Don't judge!

When you see someone doing something that's wrong, how quickly do you condemn them? Why are we so quick to judge and condemn when it isn't our place at all to do so.

¹¹Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaks evil of his brother, and judges his brother, speaks evil of the law, and judges the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.
 ¹²There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judges another? (James 4:11-12)

My lovely friend Chelsea Z. was just over and we were talking about this, about our old church and how we see some problems, but as we talked we encouraged and reminded each other that it is not our place to judge them but rather to pray for them and to pray that we would not condemn our brothers and sisters in Christ. I personally feel like I have no right to point the finger at anyone but myself. I am accountable to God only for the things that I do and say- I'm not accountable for anyone else and I do not know their hearts. Who am I to speak evil of my family in God? Who am I to say that I'm better than them or have it more figured out? Maybe I'm wrong and they're right... or maybe what really matters is where my heart is. That's how God judges us, on our hearts. If our hearts are right then the rest of our life will come into alignment for, "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matthew 12:34) and all of our actions follow what is in our hearts.
One key thing I want to say before I move on is this, judging and discernment are two different things. If we see the fruit of someone is bad we know to pray for them and love them and be careful around them. For me this is very important since my walk with God is not as strong as it should be and it is easy for me to fall prey to sin if I surround myself with sinful people. Being wise is a good thing, making boundaries about the things you should and shouldn't do can be good, especially if you're in the place that I'm in. However, if you have the strength to be around those people and show them Christ's love then it is your job to do that. It is selfish and wrong to hold in the Word, grace and love that God has given you.
"Therefore to him that knows to do good, and does it not, to him it is sin." James 4:17

We were also talking about our lives and just following God on a day to day basis. If you've been reading my blog you know that I've made plans for college and originally did it without any blessing or permission from God but He has given me grace and not told me to stop on the path that I've headed down.
This is the verse God gave me concerning my future, "A person may plan his own journey, but the LORD directs his steps." (Prov. 16:9)
Going right along with that I read these verses today in my quiet time,

"Go to now, you all that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:

 Where as you all know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor, that appears for a little time, and then vanishes away.

 For that you all ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that." (James 4:13-15)

It is a great comfort to know that my life is resting safely in God's hands; I don't know what tomorrow will bring or if there will even be a tomorrow, but I do know that I belong to Jesus and that He is faithful to guide my steps.

"⁶But He gives more grace. Because of this he says, God resists the proud, but gives grace unto the humble.
 ⁷Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
 ⁸Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
 ⁹Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.
 ¹⁰Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up." James 4:6-10

If we put ourselves in alignment with God, humble ourselves before Him, draw near to Him, obey, honor and submit to Him; He is so faithful to give grace, to draw near to us, to send the devil running away with his tail between his knees, to lift us up and direct our steps. Besides all of that, He gives us His love of which we are so unworthy. He has called us His children now! What an awesome God we serve!


I'm really encouraged and it was cool that in my quiet time James 4 was the chapter to read because that's what Chelsea and I were talking about. Made my heart happy and I thought it would encourage all of you as well. I know that it's easy to talk about all of this and some people may say it's easier to talk about than to do, but talking about it encourages our minds to stay on these things. I'm not perfect, and I don't always submit, obey or draw near to Him, but remembering His promises and sharing them with the world helps me to act upon His promises.

Stay strong my sisters and brothers... we serve a wonderful Savior, an Almighty God who loves us. Let us  remember our place, that we were never called to judge or condemn, but to lay those things at His feet and trust that He is a big enough God to handle other people. Love you all!!!! Leave me any comments/thoughts that you have on this subject.

Welcoming in the New Year- Mary-style!

The new year is almost here... I believe New Year's week is a good time for reflection and a time to make sure you're walking in the direction you want to be walking in. Last year in December I had just started going back to church, my heart and life were a mess. I was depressed, angry, bitter, etc.
Now a year after admitting that I needed God, I find myself calm, collected, anticipating the adventure He is going to bring me through this next year.
I may have piercings, pink hair, a sweet tattoo and big boots, but just as He promised, my heart is growing softer and softer and I'm learning to listen to Him more and more. My New Year's resolution is simply to start reading my Bible again, even if it's just once or twice a week, something is better than nothing.
When i decided to change my major to dental hygiene I wasn't walking with God at all, and I'm concerned this isn't what He wants for me but I've started on this path and He has not told me to stop.
I am willing to do whatever He asks of me with my degree, go wherever...
I'm so worried about moving to Portland, now that it's coming up faster and faster I feel my stomach flutter with nervous butterflies at the very thought of packing all of my belongings up and going to a new house, a new job, a new school, placing Dominic in a daycare and being so far away from the friends and family that I love so dearly.
Well, with all this contemplation I know I must learn to lean on God much, MUCH more than I have been.
Everything is going so well right now, my roommate Brenna is an absolute sweetheart and my best friend. My relationships with all of my Bend family have gotten better and better... money is tight but somehow all of the bills are getting paid. Of course, a lot of it has to do with all the financial help my family and friends give me. What would I do without all of you? Mom, Dad, Joanna... you all give so much for me; more than just money-wise. Thank you for all of your love and support. I could not do any of this without you. And Dan Frank... You have been a huge blessing in my life and pray that you will be rewarded in more ways than just material possession.
Welcome in the new year and live like today is your last day... "For what is your life? It is but a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away."
Love all of you!!!

The Spinster... hehehe... we're gonna talk about sex!

What is it about being single that makes me feel stronger? I think it's because I don't feel like I have to have sex with someone and honestly... I don't want to have sex with anyone ever again! I feel having sex is giving up your power, and that is not what it is supposed to be. I want to be married before I have sex again... I want it to really, truly mean something. I know this is graphic and that my parents and grandparents read this so i apologize if this candid talk is uncomfortable for you. Unfortunately it is something that my generation deals with on a regular basis; premarital sex is just a part of life and I do not know how this became a norm but it isn't right. I wasn't really sure how I felt about this until last night, and now I know for sure that I want to marry a God-fearing man who won't push me or ask me to do things I never wanted to do and make me feel uncomfortable or unsure or confused or obligated. No. Hell no. I know that I've wandered off the path quite a ways, but I've been deliberately walking back to that one true path, towards Jesus and this is for sure... His Holy Spirit does not like premarital sex. No way! I'm glad I've been abstinent for awhile, last night was interesting but I'm glad it didn't go further than where it did. Never again... I want a relationship and a family and a home that is full of love and truth.
If i have learned anything from walking away it is simply that premarital sex is almost always destructive and selfish. STDs are common and unwanted pregnancy occurs and then tough choices have to be made... choices that multiple friends of mine have had to make. This is not what we are made for ladies, we deserve a man who WANTS to WAIT! We do not deserve someone who we have to shove off of us because he can't keep his hands to himself.
I may never find such a man, a man full of the Holy Spirit, slow to speak, slow to anger and quick to listen... but right now that is okay! Right now I am trying to learn how to be slow to speak, slow to anger and quick to listen. I still have some things in my life that I know aren't right that I need help with- I need to learn to be filled with the Holy Spirit again, to be determined and dedicated in my walk with God- not just an inactive lump in the back pew.
Pray for me that my heart will be fixed on this and that I won't waver... and for all of my sisters struggling with the decision to remain abstinent until marriage, who have fallen before and wonder, "What's the point? I'm not a virgin anymore so what does it matter if I sleep with my boyfriend, he loves me after all, doesn't he?" Ladies, if he loves you, truly loves you as Christ loves the Church, then he will not expect you to sleep with him before he has said those vows before God and man. Keep the faith sisters, do not quit, do not let sin keep you from your true Husband, your Maker, the Holy One of Israel, Jesus.

Merry Christmas!!!

Hello everyone, how are you all this fine Christmas week? Present wrapped? Tree decorated? Cookies made? Well... we're getting there and I'm so excited! Besides the excruciatingly painful and annoying tingling sensation my carpal tunnel provides whenever I attempt to anything artistic; I have been practicing playing Christmas hymns on the piano my dad gave me. I never knew how challenging or enjoyable "Joy to The World" is to play and sing... it's the bass and tenor parts that I find most enjoyable, and have been singing the tenor part an octave higher than it is written... absolutely beautiful! It is worth the pain to play something so well written.
I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve more than Christmas morning... my grandpa, mom, dad, younger sister Joanna, younger brother Nolan and my older sister Katie and her husband and two children will all be over at my house. This will be my last Christmas in Bend for awhile... and I'm going to enjoy it to its fullest. I asked my Grandpa to read a passage from one of the gospels about Jesus' birth and to give a little history about the date and time he was born. I'm really looking forward to it.
My roommate Brenna is helping me come up with new traditions for Dominic and I- we decorated stockings and are going to decorate cookies on Christmas eve. She bought us both a TON of presents yesterday... thank you Brenna for making our Christmas so very merry. You are such a blessing!!! I'm so glad you are my friend.
Dancing over the weekend was fun. Brenna came with me Saturday and Sunday night and is falling in love with west coast swing just as much as I am. I won't be able to do lesson in January because of financial restraints but I should be able to start again in February and I'll still go to practica Sunday nights.
Dominic is getting so big, and I think he's entering the terrible 2's. He throws the most glorious fits for no reason at all... I can usually calm him down by counting and breathing but if not he ends up in time out, which is working so far. Today I found him taking all of the shoes out of the closet, thankfully he was a sweet boy and helped me put them all away.
Well... I've run almost all my errands, brought Katie her shoes, picked up Brenna's package from the post office and now I just have to go and drop off some paperwork at the DHS office and then my mom and I are going to go do some wine tasting!!  Nom, nom, delicious.
Well folks, I've gotta wake that baby up and run my last errand. Keep it real and have a very merry Christmas!!!

Internet!!! WOO!

We have internet again!!! WOO! I feel as if we have emerged from the deep silence of the dark ages and into the 21st century- and I don't even know what to do with all of this now that I have it. It's truly mind boggling.
Dominic is taking a super long nap,which is ok by me since my sister Joanna will be babysitting tonight while I go dancing at Mavrick's. Hehehe... I love you Joanna!
This is a super busy weekend dance-wise, last night we had our weekly class for beginner-plus West Coast Swing, and tonight there's a country dance at Mavrick's, tomorrow there is the monthly west coast swing dance and beginners' at Azure and then Sunday night is practica! Whew... my feet may fall off before Monday comes around but I'm excited to get to go out so much. Thanks to my sister Joanna, my friend Dan Frank, and my lovely roommate Brenna for taking turns babysitting my lovely little Domino so that I can go and dance WOO!
I've been kinda going a little crazy on my Christmas break, totally ready for school to start again, ugh, January seems like a million light-years away. That first week of January I'll be applying for housing assistance in Portland, where I'll be moving to in July. School will start again and I'll have the paternity results back. I'm excited for that week and it can't come fast enough!
I've been able to keep on my bills a little better than I have before but of course, it's the in-between-term-crunch... bank account has $1 in it and I have $1 to get Dominic a Christmas present. Haha... Mom and Dad have been helping with gas and diapers... I dunno what I'd do without them. People always tell me that I should just get a job but going to school full time, working at the college and being a single mom is enough for me... when I move to Portland however i will have to obtain a job. Hoping that since I've been working up at COCC in the CIS (Computer Information Something-err-other, not Criminal Investigation Something-err-other, haha) department that I might be able to get a job at OIT. Keep your fingers crossed!!

Been going to Mission church and attending the Bible study that my brother-in-law leads. It's been really awesome.
I am single, plan on staying single... I mean, I will be moving in six months, why would I try to start a relationship now? Besides, I'm happy and content to be single, which is weird for me, but it's been 3 months since I broke up with John and I'm just so happy to be free!!!!! Haha... love you all. Keep it real, leave me a comment and let me know how much you missed my blogs- will try to post a Dominic blog soon but I gotta get that kiddo up!

to dominic's dad

I used to be so mad at You... thinking You didn't care that Dominic had no dad. I thought You were punishing me by not giving me a husband- a dad for Dominic. I knew You'd told me You are his Father, and my Husband, but I was still dissatisfied, because I was sure that meant You'd never bring me a husband, never bring Dominic a dad. I'll never be able to thank You enough for having Jodie talk to me on the chat on facebook that one night... she pointed out that You love me, You want good things for me, and yes, someday You will provide a husband for me, a dad for Dominic. I was sooooo mad at You, bitter, angry, sliding back because of it... because of something You never even said.

This Father's Day, Dominic's biological father is out there somewhere... not thinking about him at all... or hoping Dominic isn't his son maybe. Yet YOU are his dad right now. I don't have to look into the future and hope for some physical man who will fail us... because I have You right now. Right now I have is YOU to lead my family, YOU to be the head of my house, YOU to keep us well, leaning on God. Since You are God that is always going to be Your goal... kinda mind boggling to think about.

I just wanna say thanks, thanks for not making me wait for a husband and a dad for Dominic, but for being those things right NOW. We need You. My Provider, my Comforter... the Authority and Head of this little family... Happy Father's Day, to the only True God, the Father of all the Fatherless.


Amen.

Before, During and After

God was... He is... and is to come.

He was before anything and without Him was not anything made that was made.

He was before all things.

He is also in all things... right here... right now, as I'm typing this He's sitting here with me listening to music.

He is the Omega. When time stops... He will remain.

The question begs to be asked... what does this have to do with me? with you?

Lord, what is man that you are mindful of Him?

If you sing over me, rejoice over me singing... did you know then what I would do now? If you loved me then, rejoicing, singing, loving me... You must still love me because You knew then what I didn't know... that I would fall, that I'd go after guys, cigs, drinking, drugs, all of, all over again, just because I'm but dust and do stupid, selfish, narrow-sighted things. You knew when You stretched Your hand out to receive the nail, and then Your other hand, Your legs nailed to the cross. Your head bruised and beaten for my lustful, selfish sin. You loved me when I was yet in sin. Revelling, dwelling, loving and hating it, trapped and tangled, suffocated and enthralled in my sin. You broke through the chains of hell and death not so I could run back to those things that once enslaved me, You led captivity captive not so I could go dabble in sin here and there... You died to give us VICTORY over sin to show the world YOUR GLORY not ours.

I used to wallow in self-pity, loathing myself and asking how God could ever forgive me. Now I know... He was, He is and is to come. So that means those nights when He whispered in my ear, 'Follow Me' and gave me visions of Himself, dreams of things unknown, all these gifts, blessed me with a son, gave me life when I deserved death, He did that knowing what I would do with it, and He gave it to me anyway. Oh the depth, the width, the length and the breadth of His love!!!! It is unsearchable. I abhor my sin... I turn away from it, spit on it and called it cursed. I will kneel at the name of Jesus- not just because I need Him (and oh how I need Him!!!) but because I WANT Him and i MISS Him. Wait expectantly, for the Lord, wait I say, on the Lord. For He was before time, He is with you now, and He will be there long after time has vanished away...

All the lonely people...

Ugh. I hate being such a stupid ambivalent person. I know that Dane didn't do anything wrong, was totally sweet and wonderful and yet, I had no peace about being with him. Now that he isn't here rubbing my shoulders and playing with me and Dominic... I feel really lonely. It was only from like, Fri to yesterday... or today really... this morning. I called him. I told him we should just be friends cuz no matter how much I keep trying to convince myself he's a good guy and i should be with him, I just, can't be.

I think I'm better off single... except that I read this article about loneliness and people... i'm in for some serious health issues. Haha... Apparently lonely people are more likely to die young.
Of course... I'm not really lonely, (thank you Kelly for pointing that out) but i feel that way every now and then. Especially after having this super sweet guy... argh. I know I made the right choice, I felt like I was just using him to get amazing back massages and someone to help me out with Dominic. Sigh.

Now I'm single, again. I guess I never really wasn't but I like to think that for a little while I was special to someone. He wasn't even mad when I said we should just be friend because I know I'm just gonna keep being ambivalent which isn't fair to him. Ok i'm gonna go eat cuz i'm starving. Yay for being single til i die!!!! Lol. Oh well, I have AWESOME FRIENDS (that'd be you gorgeous people reading this) and my beautiful little son.

craaaaaaaazy weekend... wow.

I don't think i've had a weekend like this one in a loooooooong time and i don't know how to feel about all of it. Stayed over at a friends house Friday night... we all were havin some drinks and chilling and man... I don't know. She'd been tryin to set me up with one of her friends for awhile and I decided to give him a shot. He is very sweet and very funny, very good with all of the kids there and makes me feel awesome.  Sadly, it only lasted the weekend... and I just don't know how to feel about it. Don't really wanna go into details about any of it... cuz i don't know how to feel.

Stayed home from church yesterday and did laundry all day, hung out with my dad for the first time in what felt like centuries. I think Dominic was happy to hang out with his grandpa and play in what little sunshine there was yesterday. We made lunch and chatted... the house feels so empty. I wish i wasn't such a girl, sometimes I catch myself getting all teary eyed when I see stuff missing. Think I'm just gonna stay home... hahahaha... like i have a choice. Already feel lonely.

On a much brighter note... Thanks to Shannon, Dan and Naomi, I have babysitters for while I'm in school!! This is a huge relief... People I love and trust taking care of my most important baby boy. It's gonna make finals do-able.  After finals I'm gonna get rid of the pink and job-hunt like crazy... you guys have all been so supportive not just in word, but in deed and in truth and I love you all for that. I could not ask for better friends!  <- That's you guys cheering me on as I try to make it through this crazy thing we call "life". I could not have gotten this far without you.

Dominic and I have had a lovely day thus far, we're chilling, waiting for our mashed potatoes dinner to finish. Should be delicious!  Love you all, take care!

Time to get a hair cut and real job...

When life changes, it changes everything, all at once. Mom moved out of Dad's house... Dad got a job... Dad is going to be moving out... house is so empty it makes me cry.

Kelly got accepted to U of O and is moving out in August.

HUD (housing assistance) is not accepting application til January 2012

I have hot pink hair, no job, a house with rent that is over $500 (not including utilities) and I have to attend college full time summer to term to finish up my prerequisites by this time next year. Oh and i won't be getting the pell grant for spring term 2012, neat-o, huh?

I know you all are going to try and rush me to some home with roommates... Sadly Kelly has ruined me for all other roommates! Also, first thing's first. I need to get a job, oh and get a babysitter to watch Dom while I work at said job, oh and then I need to get another babysitter or convince the same babysitter to also watch Dom while I'm at school. Oh and then I have to find this magical pillow of time to do my homework. Aren't you excited for me? I know I am! Meanwhile I will have to be looking for a new apartment since there has GOT to be a cheaper and nicer two bedroom place, right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... ahem.

The best part about all of this... I don't have time right now to look for a job, gonna just try to wait until my break in June and spend that entire time trying to find a job that will work with my college schedule and pay me enough that I can pay rent, untilities, misc bills, oh and afford diapers, gas, soap, etc.

Thank goodness Dan is watching Dominic for free at my house. I could stay in this house but i hate it here and the deposit here was $800 and I wanna be able to give Kelly her deposit back but they won't give it to me unless i move out. Yay? I'm so overwhelmed but there's not much I can really do about it except watch as the sky falls downward... WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

oh baby...

wheeeeeere do i begin?

today sucked.

yesterday was actually kinda good tho... made some steps in a good direction. it was weird because night before last i dreamt about Noah... some vague happy dream... like we were good friends... maybe dating or something lame and romantical, then yesterday while looking through my purse at Jenn's house to find something to write a list on... I found the map he'd drawn for me when I last saw him. You know, before everything got all ugly and I told him to never, ever talk to me again... yeah. about that... i have made myself the loneliest person in the world and i just... wish that people didn't suck as much as i do. but, well, we're all only human i guess. Most people don't realize how lucky they are to have FRIENDS that SPEND TIME with them... not just aquaintances who want something from you, or family who has to be there for you even tho they may not necessarily want to be... but like, people who KNOW you.

Today my mom moved out of my parents... err, i guess now it's my dad's... house... i've never known anything but that house, i've lived there my entire life. my older sister katie was born there... i know it's good for them both, i think, but, it sucks. It was rainy all day and, I'm sorry but I cannot seem to get ANYTHING productive done with Dominic hot on my heels. I usually love being with him, but for whatever reason today, it was too much for me.

He kept torturing the dog, Lilly, who is not much bigger than him. He kept tugging on her leg or putting her tail in her mouth just... not listening, got a million time outs and oh man. I wanted to go over to my parents house just so i could have someone besides a dog and a baby to talk to, but because mom was moving and dad was helping her move (which was EVEN WEIRDER) i um, had no where to go. After doing this all day, I eventually snapped. I knew it too, so I put Dominic in his bed, told him it was naughty to play in Lilly's water bowl then went into the kitchen, realized the person who'd said he was gonna hang out with me totally and i mean TOTALLY blew me off. didn't even text saying he couldn't make it, let alone a phone call. NOTHING. dude. not cool. oh and then tried calling someone and they hung up after the first ring. I understand that I'm stressed, I understand that I'm weird. But am I really so completely unpleasant to be around? Thanks guys! You suck! Anyway, so in my rush of emotion I threw my phone onto the kitchen floor and started crying. (Yes it is also almost that time of the month!) phone broke... so... don't try calling me because i broke the damn contraption.

I used to have all the coping mechanisms for stress... cigarettes, weed, alcohol, sex, boyfriends, etc. None of these things were healthy and I've cut all of them out, except alcohol... lol. Oh man guys... I wish I had people who wanted to come hang out at my boring-ass house and chase Dominic around with me, or play with him while i do homework. Granted, the last couple weeks, Dan, Trista, Naomi and Shannon all saved my butt by taking him off my hands so i could finish all my late assignments. I would also like to hang out with you guys sometime too... so I don't go crazy and break things... I cannot do this anymore. I'm about ready to get a mail order husband! Haha... anyway, I love you guys. Hope you all still love me, even when i totally lose it.

not so hot

i keep wanting to post a blog about how good i'm doin... maybe it's cuz i can't find a support group, you know. it's just me. chasin dominic. beggin dad to watch dominic so i can go to class or do homework. me texting some guy in another state desperately hoping he'll write back... i don't even care what he says as long as it isn't mean. I wish i could stop feeling desperate. I hold my head up, carry myself like i know who i am, what i want and where i'm going... but at the end of the day when all i got is facebook and netflix well, if i accidentally let myself think about it i just start crying. I don't know who i am, i don't know what i want or where i'm going... i just keep moving fast enough to keep myself from falling to pieces. I guess i figure if i keep my hands and mind occupied i'll be ok. i wish i could say more... but i'm speechless. i'm not doin so hot guys.

Lord, grant me patience, but i want it RIGHT MEOW!

When will everything make sense? When I die? Sheesh. It's all so much, sometimes I just wanna curl up and snuggle my pillow, cry and wish it all away.

My dad got a job (everybody says, "YAAAY!") i'm tryin to be happy for him, but, i don't even know where to begin with how stressed i am about finding someone to watch dominic while i'm in school and finding the money to PAY for that.

Got A's in wr 122 and math 95 (YAY) and a C in psychology (BOOO!) it's a high C, 79% so gonna do extra credit and ace the final, lol, and try to come out with a nice B, hopefully.

My math teacher finally stopped bein mean to me once he saw my grades, haha, which is kinda nice.

On top of all of this i've been hearing rumors that we won't get our pell grant money for summer term, just our loans... so i need a job now. No if ands or buts about it... start praying. Everywhere i've gone said they aren't hiring until June but that isn't too far away. Just pray i can find a job, cuz the state will pay for a babysitter while i'm working and i can use the money i make working to pay a babysitter while i'm in school. Whew. Just yeah... pray. Feel like i've given up hope in a lot of ways. At least my grades are doin good! Thanks to Naomi McDaniel and Dan and Trista... oh and my dad for watching Dominic for the passed year while i attended class. Sigh. Bittersweet indeed. Kinda like dark chocolate. Yum.

Basically I want everything to be perfect right now, and i know i need to be patient but i am so, so, so bad at it. Not giving up... takin one day at a time.

my husband's love

last night i had a rough night. i wanted to go to a movie with my Bible study group, heck i just wanted to hand my friend her present in person, but for whatever reason Dominic couldn't sleep at my parents house. Dad and Joanna texted me repeatedly until I left the study and came and got him... he fell asleep before i was even halfway home.
I was so frustrated i cried and told Kelly all about it. I love Kelly. After everyone left the house and went to the movie I went to bed. I began to have these dreams... I dreamt i was with various people from Mission church and college group Bible study, we were all praying against something. Dominic kept getting sick, then it wasn't Dominic but a 4 year old I'd adopted, this child had tattoos all over his body and I began to pray, because they hadn't been there a minute ago. Then when I started praying Dominic began to
(in my dream) get these worm infested boils that grew so huge all over his body that he began to suffocate. The others prayed against whatever was happening and i called 911, they told me to hang up; that Dom was ok. Then I woke up, not sure what I'd been praying against in my dream, so, in my half-awake state, I prayed silently for God to come protect Dominic and me. Then I heard a large crack, like a creak in the floor board in the living room and footsteps running away. it was loud enough that i woke completely up with a jump. went out to the living room, shook myself awake, took a deep breath and thought for a moment.
The night before I'd looked at these two nails on my wall, they were nails Jeff had put in the wall to hang up the painting Jason had given me. I had gotten rid of the painting and I'd told myself i should take those nails out.
For some reason I really felt like I should take them out, so i did- at 2am this morning. then i prayed and read in Hebrews 2, about how Jesus took on Himself the form of man and tasted of our death and gave us victory over the devil. i read it out loud. Then i realized something profound...
I was choosing Jesus as my Husband only when there was no physical man around to comfort me. Jesus was my "second choice" like I am/was to all of those guys. Why on earth was i choosing cheating, lying, selfish men over Jesus? I felt more than a little sheepish and also realized that Jesus has been keeping me from sinning... which is actually what the last verse in Hebrews says. Remember how I wrote about Jesus telling me HE was gonna keep me? Well... it wasn't just a reassurance, it was a prophetic word. When I wanted to go off and sin He stopped it from happening, kicked the devil's butt out, and drew me back to Himself, reminding me of how much greater His love is than all the rest.

i cannot believe how silly I've been... choosing men's "love" (more like lust) over Jesus's pure, undefiled, unrelenting, holy, never ending, agape-love! may i forever choose Him first before all others and stop seeing with eyes of the flesh, may I see things through His eyes... remembering that I am the bride of Christ, loved more intimately and infinitely than i will ever be able to fathom. Lord, be my first choice, my first and greatest Love. Amen.

His Sometimes Lady

I'm just a sometimes lady,
His sometimes baby,
Sometimes i just wish he'd marry me,
so that I could be,
his forever lady,
his always baby,
his one and only, never-ending love,
will i ever be enough?
if it had just been on man, i'd chalk up to him bein him,
but i've been thinkin...
maybe i'm just a
sometimes lady,
a sometimes baby,
maybe it just isn't enough,
will i ever have someone to hold? someone to love?
his forever lady,
his forever baby?
It's always a maybe, never staying, baby,
Comes and goes and comes and goes
And nobody knows
When he's... coming back.
I'm just his sometimes baby,
His sometimes lady...
I've tried to tell him to leave,
Told him i cannot breathe,
Yet here he comes again,
Same spirit different skin,
Tryin to tell me I'm beautiful,
That he loves me oh for sure,
But only for a little while,
With that sweet little smile,
He won't say it but I know,
He's just gonna go
Til he comes again...
Go, go, go, go away.
I've done all I can,
Said all I could say.
Go, go, go, go away.
I've done all I can,
Said all I could say...
Tears fall down my cheeks,
at the word my own lip speaks...
Will they all be like this?
So completely love-less?
I've lost hope that there is one,
made for me,
can't you see,
All the men I've known seem to have some kind of love,
Not me, i'm not enough...

Cry, cry to Jesus.
Cry, cry to Jesus.
He will love me still.
He chose to, made up His will,
to love me unto death,
with His final breath,
giving me life...
calls me His wife.
my forever Lord,
my always Savior,
my never-ending Love.

The details... as it were

This is the truth.
I'm lonely.
When I think about all the people I've cut out of my life for good I wonder if I, if I'll ever feel whole.
If I wrote a list, of all the men, and even women, I've just, blocked out of my life... do I even deserve a friend?
Saw an ex "man-friend" at fredmeyers and got the iciest glare ever... i know i deserved it too. am i really so right to be so cruel? Am I crazy? Possessive? Why did Jason tell all those girls he loved them when he had me? What was so wrong with me that he did that? Why did Mike do the same thing? Why did Noah run away... why did he come back try to steal my heart and take it and RUN when things got difficult? Am I really that bad? What's wrong with me? I'm such a horrendous sinner too... and that's prolly why i feel like this. Why is trusting Jesus to be my Husband so difficult? Why? What's wrong with me?

Monday, Monday...

If I was to be honest with all of you... like I told myself I was going to be when I started this blog, then I'd tell you I'm not doin too hot spiritually.
I wish I could blame this on someone else, or on some event but well... I can't. It's all me. I don't even wanna talk about it honestly. Kinda just wish i was perfect.
Wish I could see something happy... some good positive thing. I have Dominic... and I love him. Just, havin a hard time keepin my head above water.

all work no play, oh yay!

I've been doin alright... studying every time Dominic is asleep... cleaning the house as often as Dominic allows me, going to all my classes, getting ok grades. B's are ok, right? Sigh. I miss getting A's though, it bothers me when I'm busting my toosh and getting B's.

It's so hard to not complain and focus on negative things, in positive psychology (stress management) we're supposed to write 3-5 positive things each day for 5 days and then write about one bad thing and then "reframe it" by trying to look at it from a different and positive perspective.

In WR 122 I'm taking my Arguing to Inquire essay and turning it into my Arguing to Convince essay... basically writing an entirely different paper, to an entirely different group with a tiny amount of the same information. Oh and then there's math... my math teacher may be young, cute, funny, lets a lot of stuff slide grade-wise, but um, yeah the way he explains things... he may as well be speaking Greek. I'm not getting it.    The word problems are what KILL ME-  they're not at all like the ones I did when I taught myself through high school... no these word problems I have to somehow put into y = mx + b form and I just... sigh. Don't get. I don't understand how to figure out which is y, which is x, what that means and why... oh man my brain serious feels like it's covered in molasses when we talk about it. When we were talking about factoring yesterday tho... PHEW! Total breeze! Too bad only one question on the final is about that... yeah. Yikes.

GOOD NEWS! I spoke with my advisor and a year from now (if all goes as planned) I'll have all the prerequisites i need to apply at 5 different college for the Dental Hygiene program. Oh yeah, by the way I thought long and hard about it and that's what i'm doing. Really excited about that!

On other news... I'm so stressed my head is on the verge of exploding. I need to raise my 3.5 GPA to like, idk, 3.7 that damn C i got in Biology 101 just, totally sucker punched my GPA down a whole lot. That and I get a lot of B's. Stupid B's. I can't believe I'm getting mad about B's!!! Isn't that ridiculous!??!!? Sigh.

In positive psychology they talk about having a balance of work, play and love. Well... my life is 90% schoolwork, housework, taking care of Dominic and the other 10% are the moments I'm able to stop my head from spinning long enough to show some affection to my son. Kinda sucks for him honestly. The rest? Well... man I don't know. I get to chit chat every other week with people I used to know like the back of my right hand. I get to see my sister Katie a lot... which honestly is the only thing keeping me sane. Sometimes I get to chat with my roommate, but when we do, I don't have anything to talk about except, well, homework and Dominic. Where's the play? Why isn't there more love? How on earth can I begin to create balance in my little two-person family?

For those of you who are praying about me getting married... you're so sweet and i love you and appreciate you sooooo much, but I have given that hope up. Let it die. Faced the facts of growing old and dying alone, looked it the face and told it I wasn't scared 'cuz even on the coldest nights Jesus holds my soul. So self-pity can kiss my you-know-what. I may be frustrated, overworked, stressed... but I know who I love most. Even when I think about all the stuff I just vomitted out verbally to you all... I'm okay with it. does that make sense? Like I can look at my life, where it needs work, how frustrating it is and be okay with it? i mean, sometimes I'm not, not in the heat of the moment when Dominic is throwing a fit and I'm so sleep deprived I feel i'm about to throw my own little tantrum... but otherwise, i'm much happier than i've ever been when I was thinking about some "dude". I honestly don't wanna ever move from this comfortable spot again. Jesus won't betray me. He won't lie to me. He won't change His mind and run away when things get tough, in fact that's when He shines brightest.

Pray for me guys... I'm struggling a lot. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not. Yeah, I'm happy and satisfied... but the temptation to sin... to lose my temper, to gossip, oh man, in my face all the time. I love you all and am amazed that you have stuck it out this far!!! This was a really long blog!!! If I could, I would totally give you a gold star right now! Hehehe, no really, I would! Thanks again for keeping us in your prayers, it makes a world of difference.

i need help

1. I will lift up my eyes to the hills—

From whence comes my help?

2. My help comes from the LORD,


Who made heaven and earth.

3. He will not allow your foot to be moved;


He who keeps you will not slumber.

4. Behold, He who keeps Israel

Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5. The LORD is your keeper;

The LORD is your shade at your right hand.

6. The sun shall not strike you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

7. The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;


He shall preserve your soul.

8. The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in


From this time forth, and even forevermore.
 
Psalm 121
 
 
Last night after posting that blog i did some reflecting... especially after realizing i'd been angry cuz i was blaming Jesus for things I'd done. You see... I wanted to run away from Him and go sin, but all of a sudden the guys who I wanted to sin with, um, they began to disappear yesterday and I was frustrated... but kinda relieved and then I read that Psalm.

You see all these years whenever I tried to follow God I kept trying to keep myself from sinning. Like it was
my job to keep myself on track and if i couldn't then I deserved to go to hell.

Then last night I read this Psalm. Earlier I'd prayed to God in a song, "I don't think I can make it, and I don't want to fake it..." and I think He heard me. That last verse brought me to tears. The LORD is the One who is going to KEEP ME from my sin.

Wait, first He died on the cross to satisfy the death penalty I deserve, then He gave rose from the grave and gave me freedom & victory from my self and after promising that He would never hide His face from me in anger again AND that He would complete the work He started in me....

Now He's saying on top of all of that, He will keep me from sin.
Last night I realized I need Him to keep me from sin. Without Jesus guarding my heart, mind, soul and body, how could I keep myself from sinning?
This means that I have to surrender my heart, mind, soul and body to Him so that He can guard them for me.

Hmmm... sounds like a plan. He's been faithful in everything else, I'm convinced He'll be able to do this too, I just have to let Him.

Thank you for your prayers everyone... I think this definitely came about as fast as it did due to some knee-bending.

meow :(

ok guys... let me break it to you easy,...

I SUCK AT LIFE

i really love you Katelyn :) and i still haven't read those verses cuz dominic was trying to climb on things and eat things he shouldn't! I will read them... probably after i write this, maybe i should've read them before. Hahaha.

after everything that happened this weekend- i am so tempted to run right back to egypt. sigh. kinda halfway have. i don't know guys... i'm just really glad that Sandy and them are gonna pray over me this saturday cuz i need it. On the other hand, I don't wanna give Noah so much power. Last time he did this to me I was so mad that I walked away from God- what would that say about me if I let his actions affect my emotions so much that I walk away from God again? This is also why I told him not to contact me ever again... sounds dramatic but, it isn't; if the way he treats me makes me feel so bad about myself and God that I contemplate turning away from Him out of disappointment in myself and despair for improvement. No thank you... I want people who look at the positive side of things as much as the negative, and people who can encourage me not just point on my flaws. I need both... but one without the other isn't a whole relationship.

i hope i get out of this funk, that i can shake these damn emotions and walk away from Noah and into Jesus' arms. I feel like I have shoved Him away the last few nights- being selfish and stupid enough in my anger to blame Jesus for allowing Noah to come back into my life. Wan't I the one who let that happen? Not Jesus? Wasn't I the one who contemplated dating Noah when I hadn't even really prayed about it? That um... yeah no that is NOT Jesus' fault. It's mine. "So what now?" said the kitten...

What am I going to do about this? I could go back to my ex Mike... have a one night stand with him and then feel like poo, wish i hadn't done it, feel embarrassed about it.... sigh. No, no I can't do that. Part of me wants to... it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't used sex like a drug. People see it as this deep spiritual, beautiful, sacred connection and it IS but um... not to me.  To me it's just a fix, a stress reliever- it's nothing personal, but it is something that after i go without it for a certain amount of time my stress level gets really high and all of a sudden it's all i think about, i just wanna get my fix and then i'll be good for another few months... i can't even believe i made it passed two months, and I don't wanna stop moving forward. Making it to six months would be a miracle, even that would amaze me. Like I said, if you have had an addiction before you'll understand it, the same thing goes for cigarettes... I've been craving them like crazy. Maybe my mindset has shifted back just enough and I've been slowly allowing things back into my life, tolerating little evils so that now I'm thinking I can't make it... but that's silly cuz it isn't ME making me... it's Jesus, but I have to let Him make it. I have to let Him finish the work He started in me. If I tell Him to knock it off and stop... well, i dunno... He just might. He never forces Himself on us it seems. I got a lot of thinking about praying to do. Pray for me guys... I feel like I'm on the edge of a slippery slope... I need more than a few words here and there... pray i can find a mentor, even just for a little while. I'm not perfect... I need so much help. Ok, thanks.... love you all- and your comments help a lot more than you know. :)

shoulda, coulda, woulda...

shoulda, coulda, woulda, all hid from a little did.

oh man... such a quaint saying and yet so damningly true! haha... i'm so far behind on my homework in math... and i know i just have myself to blame. I should not have gone to coos bay this weekend, i should've stayed home and worked on my homework every night and i would've been totally fine. sigh.

my stomach is growling but i can't think of anything to eat... my brain is all mushy... i think it's melting out my ears!!!

sigh... so i've been really angry all day.

i let my hopes raise ever so slightly and then they were dashed cruelly.

i've begun to wonder how long i'm supposed to be single for... a year, or two, or three? or forever?

being called ambiguous ticked me off, and paranoid and crazy... maybe he's right. maybe i'm a psychopath doomed to singleness forever- but i really, really hope not.

i know i have issues... but i'm doing all i can to face them, to overcome them, to be honest about them and deal with them. isn't that what life is about? facing obstacles and overcoming them? not running away when things get uncomfortable... sigh.

i've been studying since 8pm... and dominic will be up in 7 hours... i want my full 7 hours of sleep because i have school from 12-8pm tomorrow... a normal work day for most i suppose. i need a job now, because i need to put Dom in daycare. i'm so sad and stressed... my stomach is still growling. silly tummy...

i'm having a hard time being optomystic... staying focused on the Prize and doing what i ought. feel like i'm slipping back into the blackness and i'm too tired to even reach out for help...

shoulda, coulda, woulda, all hid from a little did.

faster than flowers

the worst things in life are the things you had guessed would happen all along- the love that had died years ago, the love that never had a chance- such a sad weekend.

i knew this would fade faster than the flowers of the field... he told me he liked me, i went to see him, he gave me flowers... i was so happy and calm and serene but then... but then...

you see i've known him for so long that i guessed it would end this way and perhaps i spurred him a little bit to see how he would react. years ago when i liked him he did this thing- where'd he'd disappear and ignore me for months at a time. i tried to tell him if he was still prone to doing that to forget us benig in a relationship... he then said i was rushing things... but wasn't he the one who said he wanted to date me? not the other way around?

this weekend, he knows, has been especially trying on my soul, add to that the exhaustion of travelling with a baby and you've set yourself up for an emotional breakdown. i could have held it in, talked to one of my close friends, but i wanted to see what he would do. Would he stay? Would he call me up and try to work it out? Or would he do like he'd always done, assume he knew exactly what was going on in my heart and tell me he was taking a "break" for a few months? Because... any man who thinks he can abandon those he loves for whatever reason, is not a man i should even consider. Perhaps he didn't realize it was more of a test than a meltdown... i wanted him to not point out my flaws, break me down, tear me apart and then tell me he's leaving for an unknown amount of time.

maybe he's right, maybe i do need "help". Can I take a poll everyone, am I completely off my rocker? or am I just stressed beyond the norm? What's hilarious is I'd told him i was going to go see my old counsellor again to help deal with the stress but he still said he was going to ignore me until i get help... wait, i am going to do that? he said he can't respect me until i get 'help'. I can't respect him until he can face difficult problems like a man, not run away from them like a scared little boy and blame it on me being "crazy".

i went down to see him to see if he'd changed, if i could even consider him.

last night after all the things he said to me, i had to delete him out of every contact source. perhaps he has some valid points, but the way in which he expressed them was not sensitive or caring and it took a lot of their validity away.

so there you have it, the flowers he gave me still hang on the wall, not even dry yet and our entire friendship has already withered away, faster than flowers.

A new way in the wilderness...

Dear Jason, dear everyone who was affected by my relationship with Jason,
I am sorry.
I'm sorry for the selfish way I behaved.
I'm sorry for all the selfish things I said, for speaking slanderously of you, Jason.
I'm sorry for not ending it sooner and leaving it alone like I knew God wanted.
I'm sorry for being so hung up on him, for not letting it go, for not letting God be the judge.
I'm sorry for casting stones at you with my words, whether to your face or behind your back, Jason, I'm sorry.
Jason- I don't hate you. I'm sorry I said that I hated you. I'm so sorry Jesus, that I said I hated you, and everyone, I'm sorry I said I hated myself. I was so selfish, so wrong. Can you, all of you, forgive me?

Dear Jason,
I forgive you. For the pain your actions caused me, for the way your words affected my heart. I forgive you. God forgave so, so much more for me, how can I be so proud and stuck up that I would refuse to forgive you? Please forgive me for this, it was so wrong of me to withhold forgiveness from you for so long.

Dear Jason,
God gave me a vision for your life. I was telling Him how mad I was at you, how I hated you, and then he gave me a vision. He told me that you Jason, belong to Jesus. He told me you will not always be held captive to the spiritual strongholds you have given yourself over to. He told me that i will forget the evil things you did and will only speak good of you, for His name's sake. He said that He WILL be glorified through your life.

Dearest Jason,
Though I have finally come to a place where I forgive you and wish you no harm, please, I cannot be close to you. I cannot be your friend. I'm far, far weaker than I thought I was. I've gotta do what's right and that means I can't be your friend. I've spent so much time, thinking about all of the bad, but there was so much good. I can't hold onto this anymore, I need to let it go completely, so please accept my apology and my forgiveness. I know receiving it in blog form is weird, but I just want you to know that I am willing to admit to the whole world that I was wrong in the way I spoke about you. I just, I hope you understand. Follow God, He will never lead you astray.

a different kind of wilderness

I've been in "Egypt" for the past few years... now I'm headed to the "Promised Land" but somehow I've wound up in this different sort of "wilderness". Maybe because I sinned so much in the last few years, I don't know... whatever the reasons are here I find myself, wandering around in the desert with a baby hoping i can find food and shelter.

Last night I read a passage that seriously made me sit down and feel like a complete failure,

"26Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

27Neither give place to the devil.
28Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
29Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
30And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Eph. 4:26-32

Then at Bible study we talked about the same thing- about not grumbling. Which is ALL I ever seem to do.

God wants me to be content, to stop grumbling about stupid number shoulders and school and never having a second to spare to breathe. Which reminds me... I have a blog I need to be doing for school... my shoulders just got a little number. To say the last couple of weeks have tested my patience would be an understatement. I could use a lot of prayer- guys I'm only a few months into this please don't forget to pray for me. I try and remember to pray for others but mostly I feel so far away from everyone... I've been struggling with not giving into temptation and today some weird stuff happened, I just, I don't know... I don't want to grumble but I would like to humbly beseech you to pray for me if not call me, text me, ask me how I'm doing... I know I suck, suck, SUCK at doing this sometimes and I wish I was better at it... I am just rambling. Today i found these black magic books in my bookshelf, i threw them outside my ex boyfriend's storage unit, which happens to be right next to my car. keep in mind my car has no alarm, it's all manual locks etc.. When I opened the door it sounded like someone was leaning on the horn.
Kelly said she'd never heard anything like it.
That and how much I've stumbled this last week in my selfish anger... oh guys please pray for me. I don't wanna go back to Egypt, I'd rather stay here in the wilderness with Jesus, but I am too weak to do this alone.
I love you all...

Bubble Bath Anyone?

After a long, miserable, stressful, frustrating day- car needing coolant, car dying as it idled, stupid, crazy traffic at school- i took a beautiful bubble bath. Dominic was sound asleep and my internet crapped out on me; so I poured a large sum of the rose scented bubble bath my sister gave me into a hot steamy bath.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I seriously need to do that more often.

Idk what it was about today, maybe it's cuz it was my first day back at school, but it was really hard for me to keep everything in perspective. Like, remembering that i have a Husband and this world is not my home- i've been trying to get things i need with my tax return money, like garbage bags, tupperware, sponges, etc. Well it feels like as soon as I get home i remember something i should've bought like, deodorant, (i'm a stinky girl! ) body wash, cooking sherry... ugh. Then when I got to psychology I realized I grabbed the wrong book- I'd bought the one for the sad psychology class and i'm taking the happy psychology class- went to try and return it in between classes, took one look at the lines and decided to head to class. WELL! Bad friggin idea!! I was STUCK in that &;$^#^$#$@#!*$% parking lot for 20 minutes! Not okay, not okay at all. Sigh.

I need to (as my math teacher Kellyn would say), "stay frosty" Ya know... "stay cool"  hahaha! not THAT kinda cool, but seriously- sometimes i wish there was this little "emotion button" that i could flip off certain emotions when they became too strong for me. Like when I feel like I'm about to explode with anger *ding* turn anger off! Or when I become infatuated with some poor unkowing young man to the point of stalking *ding* turn infatuation/obsessiveness off! Yeah, that would be lovely.

Sometimes I don't even stop to pray like I ought, even though I know the days are evil, I know that Satan walks about seeking whom he may destroy, I know that Jesus could come back at a moment's notice. Will He come in clouds of glory as I'm flipping someone off in the COCC parking lot? Sheesh... how completely embarrassing. (I didn't do that tho, WANTED TO, but didn't). In my quiet times I'm reading in Mark and I'm nearing the end, right as Judas betrays Jesus.

People are so mean to Judas- don't they understand we are all like him? At one point or another you betrayed Jesus. None is good, no not one. It's by His mercy we receive forgiveness and by His grace we receive power to overcome the desire to flip off stupid people in the COCC parking lot. We have overcome a whole lot more than just that, but we also have the power to overcome the little things, if we would but stop looking at the world through our narrow perspective and see it as Jesus sees it. It's nothing more than a choice. I can say that because I struggle with anger and I know its root.

When I'm angry, it's not like I've been caught off guard by this sudden rush of emotion- it's because little by little i tell myself I am justified in my anger, and the more tiny pieces of anger i justify, the angrier I become, like fuel to a fire. Every time I accept anger and agree that I should be angry, I sin. The only reason I am overcome by anger is because I have been too self righteous to admit that I've no right to hold any anger or unforgiveness towards anyone- not even the mail lady who almost mowed us down yesterday.  Seriously though, I hope that my actions constantly reflect the character of Christ. I love Him, I just wish He'd hurry up and come. Even so, come Lord Jesus.

a "gossip blog" as Kelly would say

Dude... I'm gonna write a whole blog full of "Kelly quotes"... it would be an amazing blog!

Since Kelly wanted a "gossip blog" i will try to live up to that, i've been trying to not gossip, so it'll be interesting...

I have seen the infamous "Jason" like... five thousand times the last week while driving- and every time I wanna flip him off.  I have yet to do that- that or ram his stupid white jeep.

I haven't yet, aren't all of you so proud?

Ahem- am trying to get over it, trying to get passed the anger and hurt- I think I forgive him a little bit more each day, but, it's difficult when i know he's out asking other girls to marry him without any real intentions to marry any one of them. Would greatly love to show up at his door and tell him what I think of him.  But honestly, what good would that do?

Idk... maybe that's why my panties keep gettin in a bunch- it seems as soon as I've got peace and am all happy- i see him. Ugh. Stupid Jason.

I haven't written a "gossip blog" or as I call them a, "what's really going on in my crazy little head blog" because usually i hide things... like this. Nobody wants to hear about Jason anymore... but it still gets to me every once in a blue moon. I just have to not let it you know?
I still wear the sweater he gave me, and when I hear our songs by Pink, I get choked up and cry. I loved him. I think I still love him. Sigh. Stupid damn emotions. I know I'll overcome them by Jesus- but, I'll save that for another "serious Jesus blog"

School started up this week, i have 3 classes tomorrow. I'll be in class from 12pm-7:30pm. WOO! Aren't you excited? I know I am! Got all my books today, Dominic came with me. It was fun. We ran all over town today spending little fragments of my tax return. Like, $30 here and there... Thankfully I'm a smart cookie and I balance my checkbook every day.

I also have started cutting crap out of my diet and working out a bit, then i found out i'm smaller now than before I got pregnant, I'm sorry but it's so darn exciting that I lost that weight, I had to post it!!

Keep feeling this obscure pressure to go be "outdoorsy" and to get a job.

I'd love to do both of those things but there's this little thing called a Dominic- I would rather spend my time with him than making "spending cash" at some job or spending time on some silly little hobby. I wanna use all the free time I have to raise my son- SO BITE ME! Hmm... ok maybe not the best night to ask for me to write a "gossip blog". I'm in a foul disposition.  Maybe someday I'll find a dude who likes a chick with tattoos, hot pink hair, (oh yeah, i'm doin it again, nuh, nuh, nuh, nah, nuh, can't stop me!) piercings (oh yeah... that too!!) tattoo(s) and a beautiful little boy who doesn't have a daddy- oh and who also happens to be sold out for Jesus.

Ok it may take me awhile to find that dude!! Why bother lookin? Hahaha! Besides, I already have a man, and he is WAAAAY more beautiful than any others out there.

a "serious Jesus blog" as Kelly would say

i'm not perfect

i'm so far from grasping what reality is and why we've been placed on this earth

i just know that Jesus loves me

it's like i'm fighting for my life lately. nothing makes sense and it's like i'm being bombarded with desires that cannot be fulfilled and feelings that pull me here and there and everywhere making me scream, "STOP!"

"leave me be!"

let me rest in the arms of my Love! oh fretful, faithless, wandering heart, why are you so quick to anger? so slow to forgive? why do you flee to feeble, fickle, fastidious, flirtatious men?

you silly paranoid, obsessive, irrational little girl... chill the fuck out.

stop puttin your hope in men! they will always fail you. even if you were lucky enough to find someone willing to be your husband-

HE WILL FAIL YOU because he is only a man,

and you, my dear silly thing, YOU WILL FAIL HIM.

who am i to even think about a man?

what do i have to offer someone?

let me look to the One who doesn't need me to be perfect

Jesus, let me rest in your bosom, draw me so close that this whole world fades in Your brightness

and if I am in that glorious light of my Love, my Husband, how can I not be changed?

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Six months ago, I was a completely different person. I don't even wanna look back because “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14


If i looked into the eyes of myself six months ago, i would've seen no glimmer of hope for friendships with the warm, wonderful women and men who surround me now.

One of my oldest friends is in town, and I never thought he and I would be friends again. I remember when he was here, 3 years ago, I was just starting to slide into the dark abyss, and I could not bear to be around him or anyone godly. It was like this terrible pain, this weight of guilt and shame.

Now I walk with this lightness and joy because I've been FORGIVEN I'm cleansed in the blood of JESUS! I just, I dunno ever since I decided to be happy and rest in the arms of Jesus and trust Him to be my Husband and the Father of my son, there has been this overwhelming peace enveloping my heart. When I talk to people about it I am like my Grandpa Web, I get choked up because, the fact that God saw fit to stoop down and touch my heart and set me free- astonishes me.

I don't bother looking at the past, or thinking about all the guys, drugs, etc., why? Why? Heh, I dunno. I seriously look at the last three years and wonder, "Who was that girl that lived that life? That isn't me."

When we went out talking to people about Jesus, I kept makin Austin stop so we could pray, because, well, no words that one person spoke to me changed my heart. Nope. Not enough good ol' Jason. There was a distinct moment in my car when I was stopped at a red light and it was like God literally turned my heart around, saying, "I blessed you when you didn't do anything to deserve it because I LOVE YOU." For some reason, instead of that just bouncing off the inside of my cranium, it resounded in my heart so loudly that I began to walk towards Him and have completely stopped looking back. I will tell of the mercies of the Lord forever! The closer I get to Him the less I even care about money or marriage- when i die all my worldly possesion will be gone and I will only have One Husband. Why spend so much time then worrying about that other stuff if I don't have to? I'll worry about the necessity because of my son, the necessity of getting enough money to support him, but beyond that, i don't want a bunch of money, if i had it i'd just give it away.

Six months ago, I was miserable and stressed, now with each passing day i find this peace and contentment flowing through my veins and into my heart. Jesus is so merciful. I love that He is my Love- He's the best.

Give me Your Eyes

I know you are all gonna stick me into the "Bible Thumper Bin" and label me a "Goner for God". I um, went out down town with some people who love Jesus and started talking to random people about Him.

You see, I'm not doin it cuz i think i'm right- i'm doing it cuz i know He loves these people enough that He bled out on the cross and died for their sin and how can people hear without a preacher?

I just wanna see people the way Jesus does, and if people think I'm "Looney for the Lord" well, so be it. I can handle that. Jesus touched my heart and turned my life around, if I can pray for some people and tell them what He did, maybe they'll start to feel Him touch their hearts. That's all that I want.

Let me introduce you to my husband!!

my Husband, formed me in my mother's womb.

my Husband, called me, knew me, before the world began.

my Husband, looked at me in all my sin, every thought, ever action, and stretched out His hand to receive the nail that should have pierced my hand, the death i deserved, He died

my Husband descended down to hell, where i should have gone, and did what I could not have done.

my Husband took captivity captive, my Husband redeemed me.


After what I wrote last night, I wanted to read some in the Word and pray, but my regular Bible was in my car. I looked up at the stereo and saw my compact Bible and grabbed it. It flipped open to where I had last left off reading... 3 or so years ago... in Isaiah 54.

Now, I usually write big long blogs, but this time, I can't even come close to saying what my Husband, has already said:

"Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

"For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.

"For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.


"For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.


"In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD thy Redeemer.
"For this is as the waters of Noah unto me: for as I have sworn that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth; so have I sworn that I would not be wroth with thee, nor rebuke thee." (Is. 54:4-9 KJV)

Whenever I see a rainbow, I'll remember this promise. God spoke so clearly to me last night to look at the rainbow and when I see it remember that He has promised to not be wroth (furiously angry) with me anymore, nor will He turn me away from Himself anymore. I am so afraid that I'll wake up and be the old Mary again- so afraid i'll slip back into the bed of shame and terror... so when I read this, God pressed on my heart that He has redeemed me and is not ever going to let me go back to where I came from. And I cried like a baby.

"For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee.

"O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.
"And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones." (Is. 54:10-12)

To be called beautiful, by the God of the universe, for Him to look down on me and see how distressed I have been and to tell me He will build my foundation in beauty... it just takes my breath away.

"And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children." (Is. 54:13)

The last few nights I'd been praying God would cover Dominic with His Spirit and bless him and always be with him. When I read this verse it was like God was literally whispering it into my ear that He is the One teaching my son, He is his Father and has given him great peace.

"In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.


"Behold, they shall surely gather together, but not by me: whosoever shall gather together against thee shall fall for thy sake.


"Behold, I have created the smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the waster to destroy.


"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." (Is 54:14-17)

I could not keep myself from weeping even as I wrote this out again.

It's like Jesus is saying, "Mary, I am your Husband. Look to Me. I love you. Listen to my promises, they are true! Look at the rainbow and be assured that I am not angry with you anymore. For a brief moment I hid My face from you, but I have drawn you back with EVERLASTING LOVE because you are Mine. Don't be afraid of the devil so much, because I created the "waster to destroy", he listens to Me and cannot do anything except I allow it. All those who judge you can be condemned, because your righteousness is of Me."

He isn't just my Husband though- He's your Husband too. He loves you so much... look at the rainbow, His mercies are new every morning.

sinking!!!

there are days... when i am so close to Jesus that I know if He asked me to come out of the boat onto the water I would go.

today, well today is not one of those days.

tonight, i am crying and eating cookies. cuz i'm so frustrated.

i'm not good at keeping secrets, or being something i'm not.

this is me:

open.

honest.

crazy.

loving.

real.

i'm not perfect tho. i'm obsessive, i'm bitchy at moments, i'm selfish- the list goes on...

i am loved perfectly. which is good, cuz i'm sinking and if Jesus didn't love me, He'd stand there on the waves, and watch me sinking and say, "Sheesh Mary, why didn't you trust Me?" And walk away.

NO! He's here, sitting beside me as i munch on milano cookies and tell Him that tonight, I'm frustrated. I'm thankful He's here, that He loves me enough to listen to my selfish complaints.
He doesn't say, "You don't have a husband because you're not loveable."
Whoa, whoa... no that'd be the devil...
Jesus says, "Mary, you don't have a husband because every man out there, no matter how good and how holy- will fail you. Let Me be your Husband, I will never fail you. I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Ok, this is a huge struggle for me, (all of you honest single people can raise your hand if it's you too...) BUT i know when we die we aren't given in marriage, there's no men or womenn- we are glorious spiritual beings who are the Bride of Christ.
Frankly, i'm kinda relieved. I'd like a break from this!

My truest fantasy... is to rest with Jesus in the bottom of the boat while the storm is raging. Just be there with Him and to know He can rebuke all those waves, and He loves me so much He'll let me rest there with him.
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.
"Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6,7
 
Instead of worrying, I need to constantly thank my sweet Jesus for how much He loves me and all that He saved me from.
 
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Phil. 4:8
 
I may be sinking... but Jesus is standing right there and when I cry out, "Lord, save me!" He reaches out His hand and mercifully pulls me out of the water. Thank You Jesus, for pulling me out of many waters and not letting me drown.

"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters." Psalm 18:16

Love

Ok, to read more on how God loves us, check out Katelyn's most recent blog: Love, love and more love

It was cool to read this before posting what God has laid on my heart. He has loved me with this big, huge, amazing, intimate, detailed, beautiful love. Who am I to hoard it to myself?

Before I walked away from God, when I was younger, before I'd ever done anything horrendous, I remember almost getting this sense that the "lost" were my enemies. We preached at them, to them- God really pressed this on my heart- that isn't ever what He did. This huge burden is constraining me to write this... for how compassionate He was to those lost sheep! Remember how He fed them? How much He wanted them to have their eyes opened, their ears opened and their hearts softened!

Besides that, wasn't it just a few months ago that I was so lost, confused, deaf and blind, that I could not even look up to Him, could not say that I love myself, could not speak His name, or walk in righteousness? Now, by His great love with which He has loved us, He had compassion; He reached down and touched my heart.

"And when I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw everyone to myself." (John 12:32 NLT)

Jesus didn't die for a few select "lucky" people and everyone else around us, those icky "lost people" are damned to hell. NO! If you have ever for a moment let that thought into your head or heart, it's a lie. We have been COMMANDED to go and preach to everyone, because, He loves them just as much as He loves us- if not MORE! Preaching, sharing the gospel, talking about Jesus non-stop. It makes people uncomfortable. It isn't popular. I refuse let my light be dimmed in this dark world. I refuse to give the enemy a foothold by shutting up the light God has told me to let shine.

God has had compassion on me, my name is written in the Lamb's book of life- how can I not obey Him when He says, "Mary, go tell others the word I have given you. Follow me. Feed my sheep." How can I contest the word of the only One who has ever loved me perfectly?
I am constrained by love to simply say, "Yes Lord, I'll feed your sheep."

Who are His sheep? What of those who He has called, but have not yet heard?
What if it's our job to speak His word into their life? I would never have come back to my blessed Savior if they weren't people speaking His words into my life- even when I practically spat in their faces, God used those words to penetrate my soul.

Get ready for spit in your face, for profanities to be yelled at you- You follow Jesus- He was hung naked on a cross and those that follow Him have been called to lay down their lives. He promised persecution. Just don't forget that He loves you. So deeply, so passionately, that He went to hell for you and conquered death! So when He calls you to persecution, know that it isn't even worthy to be taken into account. He is worthy of your life.
I love Him so much I would follow Him wherever He calls, no matter the cost- Because HE LOVES ME so much more.

This is hard to explain, hard to write about, but it's true.

Reality- is this really real?

I've been asked to lay down my life, to pick up my cross, and follow Him. To walk out on the raging waves on the night sea and keep my eyes on Jesus so that I don't sink.
This stuff is easy to talk about, think about, but i'm not saying that's what God is calling us to do. He doesn't want us to sit around on our butts and talk about picking up the cross, loving nobody more than Him and doing whatever He tells us to. Not because He's mean, but because He is worthy. HE IS WORTHY of my life. When I become afraid at night, thinking that demons are surrounding me to tear me apart, I remember how Jesus fell asleep during a storm. His disciples were FREAKING OUT kinda like I do sometimes at night... Jesus was astonished at their lack of faith and rebuked the waves. Rebuked waves. Ok, pause. "Selah", is how the psalms puts it; stop what you're doing and think about that. Jesus rebuked waves.
Do you believe it? Do you believe you have power to tread on poisonous snakes? To rebuke demons? To move mountains? To walk on crashing waves? To lay hands on the sick and heal them? This is a reality, and yes, it's really real.
Let's see what Jesus said about it.
"And Jesus said unto them, 'I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven.
"Behold I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpians , and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing shall by any means hurt you.
"Not with standing in this rejoice not, that the spirits are subject unto you; but rather rejoice that your names are written in heaven.'" John 10:18-20
If we believe that our names are WRITTEN IN HEAVEN why are we living like we're going through hell? I often moan and complain and gossip and gripe- whyyyyyyy am I even dwelling on those things? What about my eternal purpose? Jesus stood for me, rebuked Satan to his face for my sake, (and yours) so why am I not doing something in return? Should I not be OVERWHELMED with love for my Savior? Should I not be constrained by compassion to reach out to those who have been blinded by Satan? Should my heart not leap for joy at the voice of my God and Redeemer calling me to lay down my life, pick up my cross and follow Him? To think that He would love me enough to call me; why am I scared and apprehensive to follow the only One who has ever loved me perfectly?
In simpler words, God has loosed my chains; how selfish of me to not tell the other captives that those chains they're wearing have been broken by a God who loves them deeply and passionately.
It's easy to get caught up in the mundane day-to-day tasks of household chores, work and or school... God is challenging my heart to put those things second to the call He has placed on my life. After all, He is worthy.

It is finished

I really, really, REALLY wanna complain about life and how lonely i get sometimes and hard it is to wait on God and how I don't even wanna go to church anymore cuz it seems like drama follows me- which is probably my own damn fault. *sigh* like my past, it feels like everywhere i go my past is there staring me in the face. I know I need to grab it by the horns stare it back in the face and say, "You are in the past, you cannot change me, you cannot control me, God has washed you away, BE GONE!" Instead it goes more like this:
Past stares me in the face, bitch slaps me,  spits me in the eye and says, "Just when you think you're satisfied, I will be there, haunting you. My affects are always going linger, no matter what you do I'll be here. I will be here to remind you of all the evil, horrible things you've done." I try to shut his mouth, to scream out that my sins are at the bottom of the ocean but i can't seem to stop him, "All the things I'm saying, they're not ideas or concepts, they're facts. These things happened. Things that you willingly, GLEEFULLY threw yourself into- body, mind and soul..."
About this time my hands drop from grabbing his horns... down to my side. My head is bowed and Past begins to throw things at me. Memories that I have tried to black out- things I've begged for forgiveness for- even though I know I'm forgiven...
I feel the stones of shame smacking my face, my skin splitting, blood starting to drip from fresh wounds that i thought were healed, tears fall. The stones aren't little pebbles now, they are getting bigger. Past is showing his true colors, this demon haunting me, thrusting boulders at me, breaking bones, trying to kill me... beaten by my own sin, I whisper one word, "Jesus..."

I hear a  sharp sound, a terrible, frightening screeching.
I look up with my bloodied face, laying on the ground weeping over my sin- to see Jesus, standing, guarding me. Past is the one screeching in terror at the presence of the Alpha and Omega.
I hear Him speak to Past, "Be gone. She is MINE. You have no right to accuse her, she is covered by My blood." The fire in His eyes burns fiercly as I hear the curtling voice of Past, begging for mercy as he flees His presence.
My eyes blink back tears in awe... how could He even want to be here? Doesn't He see all these things Past threw at me? They are real, they are true... they HAPPENED! I see their affects every single DAY... How on earth could He be here??? I keep silent, scared He'll see me, scared He'll see my sin... AGAIN, for the millionth time. It's not new stuff, it's the old stuff, stuff that Past won't let me forget. I keep forgetting Jesus doesn't see it.
"Once for all." He says, as He kneels down and picks me up, a pile of broken bones, bloodied and bruised body and soul. He whispers in my ear as He brushes my hair out of my face with those beautiful scarred hands. That touch, the touch that loosed the tounges of the dumb, opened the deaf ear to sound, brought the dead back to life. With one little touch all those bleeding wounds heal, the scars are there, but His healing touch is working something new in me.
He runs His fingers through my hair; I know He's counting each little hair... how He does it, I don't know. I begin to think to myself,
'Why didn't I call on Him earlier? Sigh. It doesn't matter, He's here, that is all that matters. He was just waiting for me to let Him come in and kick Past's butt. I always think I can do these things on my own...'
Tears fall afresh, knowing my thoughts, He pulls me even closer and this time He whispers in my ear so softly I can barely make out the words- but He didn't even have to say them, I already knew what He was going to say. My heart already heard His voice, my soul was purchased by His blood 2000 years ago, and Past, you can knock it off, because I know that HIS WORD is TRUTH  and HIS WORDS are LIFE.
Like a cool spring breeze, with life on its wings I hear the words He whispered to me,

"It is finished."