meow :(

ok guys... let me break it to you easy,...

I SUCK AT LIFE

i really love you Katelyn :) and i still haven't read those verses cuz dominic was trying to climb on things and eat things he shouldn't! I will read them... probably after i write this, maybe i should've read them before. Hahaha.

after everything that happened this weekend- i am so tempted to run right back to egypt. sigh. kinda halfway have. i don't know guys... i'm just really glad that Sandy and them are gonna pray over me this saturday cuz i need it. On the other hand, I don't wanna give Noah so much power. Last time he did this to me I was so mad that I walked away from God- what would that say about me if I let his actions affect my emotions so much that I walk away from God again? This is also why I told him not to contact me ever again... sounds dramatic but, it isn't; if the way he treats me makes me feel so bad about myself and God that I contemplate turning away from Him out of disappointment in myself and despair for improvement. No thank you... I want people who look at the positive side of things as much as the negative, and people who can encourage me not just point on my flaws. I need both... but one without the other isn't a whole relationship.

i hope i get out of this funk, that i can shake these damn emotions and walk away from Noah and into Jesus' arms. I feel like I have shoved Him away the last few nights- being selfish and stupid enough in my anger to blame Jesus for allowing Noah to come back into my life. Wan't I the one who let that happen? Not Jesus? Wasn't I the one who contemplated dating Noah when I hadn't even really prayed about it? That um... yeah no that is NOT Jesus' fault. It's mine. "So what now?" said the kitten...

What am I going to do about this? I could go back to my ex Mike... have a one night stand with him and then feel like poo, wish i hadn't done it, feel embarrassed about it.... sigh. No, no I can't do that. Part of me wants to... it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't used sex like a drug. People see it as this deep spiritual, beautiful, sacred connection and it IS but um... not to me.  To me it's just a fix, a stress reliever- it's nothing personal, but it is something that after i go without it for a certain amount of time my stress level gets really high and all of a sudden it's all i think about, i just wanna get my fix and then i'll be good for another few months... i can't even believe i made it passed two months, and I don't wanna stop moving forward. Making it to six months would be a miracle, even that would amaze me. Like I said, if you have had an addiction before you'll understand it, the same thing goes for cigarettes... I've been craving them like crazy. Maybe my mindset has shifted back just enough and I've been slowly allowing things back into my life, tolerating little evils so that now I'm thinking I can't make it... but that's silly cuz it isn't ME making me... it's Jesus, but I have to let Him make it. I have to let Him finish the work He started in me. If I tell Him to knock it off and stop... well, i dunno... He just might. He never forces Himself on us it seems. I got a lot of thinking about praying to do. Pray for me guys... I feel like I'm on the edge of a slippery slope... I need more than a few words here and there... pray i can find a mentor, even just for a little while. I'm not perfect... I need so much help. Ok, thanks.... love you all- and your comments help a lot more than you know. :)