all work no play, oh yay!

I've been doin alright... studying every time Dominic is asleep... cleaning the house as often as Dominic allows me, going to all my classes, getting ok grades. B's are ok, right? Sigh. I miss getting A's though, it bothers me when I'm busting my toosh and getting B's.

It's so hard to not complain and focus on negative things, in positive psychology (stress management) we're supposed to write 3-5 positive things each day for 5 days and then write about one bad thing and then "reframe it" by trying to look at it from a different and positive perspective.

In WR 122 I'm taking my Arguing to Inquire essay and turning it into my Arguing to Convince essay... basically writing an entirely different paper, to an entirely different group with a tiny amount of the same information. Oh and then there's math... my math teacher may be young, cute, funny, lets a lot of stuff slide grade-wise, but um, yeah the way he explains things... he may as well be speaking Greek. I'm not getting it.    The word problems are what KILL ME-  they're not at all like the ones I did when I taught myself through high school... no these word problems I have to somehow put into y = mx + b form and I just... sigh. Don't get. I don't understand how to figure out which is y, which is x, what that means and why... oh man my brain serious feels like it's covered in molasses when we talk about it. When we were talking about factoring yesterday tho... PHEW! Total breeze! Too bad only one question on the final is about that... yeah. Yikes.

GOOD NEWS! I spoke with my advisor and a year from now (if all goes as planned) I'll have all the prerequisites i need to apply at 5 different college for the Dental Hygiene program. Oh yeah, by the way I thought long and hard about it and that's what i'm doing. Really excited about that!

On other news... I'm so stressed my head is on the verge of exploding. I need to raise my 3.5 GPA to like, idk, 3.7 that damn C i got in Biology 101 just, totally sucker punched my GPA down a whole lot. That and I get a lot of B's. Stupid B's. I can't believe I'm getting mad about B's!!! Isn't that ridiculous!??!!? Sigh.

In positive psychology they talk about having a balance of work, play and love. Well... my life is 90% schoolwork, housework, taking care of Dominic and the other 10% are the moments I'm able to stop my head from spinning long enough to show some affection to my son. Kinda sucks for him honestly. The rest? Well... man I don't know. I get to chit chat every other week with people I used to know like the back of my right hand. I get to see my sister Katie a lot... which honestly is the only thing keeping me sane. Sometimes I get to chat with my roommate, but when we do, I don't have anything to talk about except, well, homework and Dominic. Where's the play? Why isn't there more love? How on earth can I begin to create balance in my little two-person family?

For those of you who are praying about me getting married... you're so sweet and i love you and appreciate you sooooo much, but I have given that hope up. Let it die. Faced the facts of growing old and dying alone, looked it the face and told it I wasn't scared 'cuz even on the coldest nights Jesus holds my soul. So self-pity can kiss my you-know-what. I may be frustrated, overworked, stressed... but I know who I love most. Even when I think about all the stuff I just vomitted out verbally to you all... I'm okay with it. does that make sense? Like I can look at my life, where it needs work, how frustrating it is and be okay with it? i mean, sometimes I'm not, not in the heat of the moment when Dominic is throwing a fit and I'm so sleep deprived I feel i'm about to throw my own little tantrum... but otherwise, i'm much happier than i've ever been when I was thinking about some "dude". I honestly don't wanna ever move from this comfortable spot again. Jesus won't betray me. He won't lie to me. He won't change His mind and run away when things get tough, in fact that's when He shines brightest.

Pray for me guys... I'm struggling a lot. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not. Yeah, I'm happy and satisfied... but the temptation to sin... to lose my temper, to gossip, oh man, in my face all the time. I love you all and am amazed that you have stuck it out this far!!! This was a really long blog!!! If I could, I would totally give you a gold star right now! Hehehe, no really, I would! Thanks again for keeping us in your prayers, it makes a world of difference.

i need help

1. I will lift up my eyes to the hills—

From whence comes my help?

2. My help comes from the LORD,


Who made heaven and earth.

3. He will not allow your foot to be moved;


He who keeps you will not slumber.

4. Behold, He who keeps Israel

Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5. The LORD is your keeper;

The LORD is your shade at your right hand.

6. The sun shall not strike you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

7. The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;


He shall preserve your soul.

8. The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in


From this time forth, and even forevermore.
 
Psalm 121
 
 
Last night after posting that blog i did some reflecting... especially after realizing i'd been angry cuz i was blaming Jesus for things I'd done. You see... I wanted to run away from Him and go sin, but all of a sudden the guys who I wanted to sin with, um, they began to disappear yesterday and I was frustrated... but kinda relieved and then I read that Psalm.

You see all these years whenever I tried to follow God I kept trying to keep myself from sinning. Like it was
my job to keep myself on track and if i couldn't then I deserved to go to hell.

Then last night I read this Psalm. Earlier I'd prayed to God in a song, "I don't think I can make it, and I don't want to fake it..." and I think He heard me. That last verse brought me to tears. The LORD is the One who is going to KEEP ME from my sin.

Wait, first He died on the cross to satisfy the death penalty I deserve, then He gave rose from the grave and gave me freedom & victory from my self and after promising that He would never hide His face from me in anger again AND that He would complete the work He started in me....

Now He's saying on top of all of that, He will keep me from sin.
Last night I realized I need Him to keep me from sin. Without Jesus guarding my heart, mind, soul and body, how could I keep myself from sinning?
This means that I have to surrender my heart, mind, soul and body to Him so that He can guard them for me.

Hmmm... sounds like a plan. He's been faithful in everything else, I'm convinced He'll be able to do this too, I just have to let Him.

Thank you for your prayers everyone... I think this definitely came about as fast as it did due to some knee-bending.

meow :(

ok guys... let me break it to you easy,...

I SUCK AT LIFE

i really love you Katelyn :) and i still haven't read those verses cuz dominic was trying to climb on things and eat things he shouldn't! I will read them... probably after i write this, maybe i should've read them before. Hahaha.

after everything that happened this weekend- i am so tempted to run right back to egypt. sigh. kinda halfway have. i don't know guys... i'm just really glad that Sandy and them are gonna pray over me this saturday cuz i need it. On the other hand, I don't wanna give Noah so much power. Last time he did this to me I was so mad that I walked away from God- what would that say about me if I let his actions affect my emotions so much that I walk away from God again? This is also why I told him not to contact me ever again... sounds dramatic but, it isn't; if the way he treats me makes me feel so bad about myself and God that I contemplate turning away from Him out of disappointment in myself and despair for improvement. No thank you... I want people who look at the positive side of things as much as the negative, and people who can encourage me not just point on my flaws. I need both... but one without the other isn't a whole relationship.

i hope i get out of this funk, that i can shake these damn emotions and walk away from Noah and into Jesus' arms. I feel like I have shoved Him away the last few nights- being selfish and stupid enough in my anger to blame Jesus for allowing Noah to come back into my life. Wan't I the one who let that happen? Not Jesus? Wasn't I the one who contemplated dating Noah when I hadn't even really prayed about it? That um... yeah no that is NOT Jesus' fault. It's mine. "So what now?" said the kitten...

What am I going to do about this? I could go back to my ex Mike... have a one night stand with him and then feel like poo, wish i hadn't done it, feel embarrassed about it.... sigh. No, no I can't do that. Part of me wants to... it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't used sex like a drug. People see it as this deep spiritual, beautiful, sacred connection and it IS but um... not to me.  To me it's just a fix, a stress reliever- it's nothing personal, but it is something that after i go without it for a certain amount of time my stress level gets really high and all of a sudden it's all i think about, i just wanna get my fix and then i'll be good for another few months... i can't even believe i made it passed two months, and I don't wanna stop moving forward. Making it to six months would be a miracle, even that would amaze me. Like I said, if you have had an addiction before you'll understand it, the same thing goes for cigarettes... I've been craving them like crazy. Maybe my mindset has shifted back just enough and I've been slowly allowing things back into my life, tolerating little evils so that now I'm thinking I can't make it... but that's silly cuz it isn't ME making me... it's Jesus, but I have to let Him make it. I have to let Him finish the work He started in me. If I tell Him to knock it off and stop... well, i dunno... He just might. He never forces Himself on us it seems. I got a lot of thinking about praying to do. Pray for me guys... I feel like I'm on the edge of a slippery slope... I need more than a few words here and there... pray i can find a mentor, even just for a little while. I'm not perfect... I need so much help. Ok, thanks.... love you all- and your comments help a lot more than you know. :)

shoulda, coulda, woulda...

shoulda, coulda, woulda, all hid from a little did.

oh man... such a quaint saying and yet so damningly true! haha... i'm so far behind on my homework in math... and i know i just have myself to blame. I should not have gone to coos bay this weekend, i should've stayed home and worked on my homework every night and i would've been totally fine. sigh.

my stomach is growling but i can't think of anything to eat... my brain is all mushy... i think it's melting out my ears!!!

sigh... so i've been really angry all day.

i let my hopes raise ever so slightly and then they were dashed cruelly.

i've begun to wonder how long i'm supposed to be single for... a year, or two, or three? or forever?

being called ambiguous ticked me off, and paranoid and crazy... maybe he's right. maybe i'm a psychopath doomed to singleness forever- but i really, really hope not.

i know i have issues... but i'm doing all i can to face them, to overcome them, to be honest about them and deal with them. isn't that what life is about? facing obstacles and overcoming them? not running away when things get uncomfortable... sigh.

i've been studying since 8pm... and dominic will be up in 7 hours... i want my full 7 hours of sleep because i have school from 12-8pm tomorrow... a normal work day for most i suppose. i need a job now, because i need to put Dom in daycare. i'm so sad and stressed... my stomach is still growling. silly tummy...

i'm having a hard time being optomystic... staying focused on the Prize and doing what i ought. feel like i'm slipping back into the blackness and i'm too tired to even reach out for help...

shoulda, coulda, woulda, all hid from a little did.

faster than flowers

the worst things in life are the things you had guessed would happen all along- the love that had died years ago, the love that never had a chance- such a sad weekend.

i knew this would fade faster than the flowers of the field... he told me he liked me, i went to see him, he gave me flowers... i was so happy and calm and serene but then... but then...

you see i've known him for so long that i guessed it would end this way and perhaps i spurred him a little bit to see how he would react. years ago when i liked him he did this thing- where'd he'd disappear and ignore me for months at a time. i tried to tell him if he was still prone to doing that to forget us benig in a relationship... he then said i was rushing things... but wasn't he the one who said he wanted to date me? not the other way around?

this weekend, he knows, has been especially trying on my soul, add to that the exhaustion of travelling with a baby and you've set yourself up for an emotional breakdown. i could have held it in, talked to one of my close friends, but i wanted to see what he would do. Would he stay? Would he call me up and try to work it out? Or would he do like he'd always done, assume he knew exactly what was going on in my heart and tell me he was taking a "break" for a few months? Because... any man who thinks he can abandon those he loves for whatever reason, is not a man i should even consider. Perhaps he didn't realize it was more of a test than a meltdown... i wanted him to not point out my flaws, break me down, tear me apart and then tell me he's leaving for an unknown amount of time.

maybe he's right, maybe i do need "help". Can I take a poll everyone, am I completely off my rocker? or am I just stressed beyond the norm? What's hilarious is I'd told him i was going to go see my old counsellor again to help deal with the stress but he still said he was going to ignore me until i get help... wait, i am going to do that? he said he can't respect me until i get 'help'. I can't respect him until he can face difficult problems like a man, not run away from them like a scared little boy and blame it on me being "crazy".

i went down to see him to see if he'd changed, if i could even consider him.

last night after all the things he said to me, i had to delete him out of every contact source. perhaps he has some valid points, but the way in which he expressed them was not sensitive or caring and it took a lot of their validity away.

so there you have it, the flowers he gave me still hang on the wall, not even dry yet and our entire friendship has already withered away, faster than flowers.

A new way in the wilderness...

Dear Jason, dear everyone who was affected by my relationship with Jason,
I am sorry.
I'm sorry for the selfish way I behaved.
I'm sorry for all the selfish things I said, for speaking slanderously of you, Jason.
I'm sorry for not ending it sooner and leaving it alone like I knew God wanted.
I'm sorry for being so hung up on him, for not letting it go, for not letting God be the judge.
I'm sorry for casting stones at you with my words, whether to your face or behind your back, Jason, I'm sorry.
Jason- I don't hate you. I'm sorry I said that I hated you. I'm so sorry Jesus, that I said I hated you, and everyone, I'm sorry I said I hated myself. I was so selfish, so wrong. Can you, all of you, forgive me?

Dear Jason,
I forgive you. For the pain your actions caused me, for the way your words affected my heart. I forgive you. God forgave so, so much more for me, how can I be so proud and stuck up that I would refuse to forgive you? Please forgive me for this, it was so wrong of me to withhold forgiveness from you for so long.

Dear Jason,
God gave me a vision for your life. I was telling Him how mad I was at you, how I hated you, and then he gave me a vision. He told me that you Jason, belong to Jesus. He told me you will not always be held captive to the spiritual strongholds you have given yourself over to. He told me that i will forget the evil things you did and will only speak good of you, for His name's sake. He said that He WILL be glorified through your life.

Dearest Jason,
Though I have finally come to a place where I forgive you and wish you no harm, please, I cannot be close to you. I cannot be your friend. I'm far, far weaker than I thought I was. I've gotta do what's right and that means I can't be your friend. I've spent so much time, thinking about all of the bad, but there was so much good. I can't hold onto this anymore, I need to let it go completely, so please accept my apology and my forgiveness. I know receiving it in blog form is weird, but I just want you to know that I am willing to admit to the whole world that I was wrong in the way I spoke about you. I just, I hope you understand. Follow God, He will never lead you astray.

a different kind of wilderness

I've been in "Egypt" for the past few years... now I'm headed to the "Promised Land" but somehow I've wound up in this different sort of "wilderness". Maybe because I sinned so much in the last few years, I don't know... whatever the reasons are here I find myself, wandering around in the desert with a baby hoping i can find food and shelter.

Last night I read a passage that seriously made me sit down and feel like a complete failure,

"26Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

27Neither give place to the devil.
28Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
29Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
30And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Eph. 4:26-32

Then at Bible study we talked about the same thing- about not grumbling. Which is ALL I ever seem to do.

God wants me to be content, to stop grumbling about stupid number shoulders and school and never having a second to spare to breathe. Which reminds me... I have a blog I need to be doing for school... my shoulders just got a little number. To say the last couple of weeks have tested my patience would be an understatement. I could use a lot of prayer- guys I'm only a few months into this please don't forget to pray for me. I try and remember to pray for others but mostly I feel so far away from everyone... I've been struggling with not giving into temptation and today some weird stuff happened, I just, I don't know... I don't want to grumble but I would like to humbly beseech you to pray for me if not call me, text me, ask me how I'm doing... I know I suck, suck, SUCK at doing this sometimes and I wish I was better at it... I am just rambling. Today i found these black magic books in my bookshelf, i threw them outside my ex boyfriend's storage unit, which happens to be right next to my car. keep in mind my car has no alarm, it's all manual locks etc.. When I opened the door it sounded like someone was leaning on the horn.
Kelly said she'd never heard anything like it.
That and how much I've stumbled this last week in my selfish anger... oh guys please pray for me. I don't wanna go back to Egypt, I'd rather stay here in the wilderness with Jesus, but I am too weak to do this alone.
I love you all...