sinking!!!

there are days... when i am so close to Jesus that I know if He asked me to come out of the boat onto the water I would go.

today, well today is not one of those days.

tonight, i am crying and eating cookies. cuz i'm so frustrated.

i'm not good at keeping secrets, or being something i'm not.

this is me:

open.

honest.

crazy.

loving.

real.

i'm not perfect tho. i'm obsessive, i'm bitchy at moments, i'm selfish- the list goes on...

i am loved perfectly. which is good, cuz i'm sinking and if Jesus didn't love me, He'd stand there on the waves, and watch me sinking and say, "Sheesh Mary, why didn't you trust Me?" And walk away.

NO! He's here, sitting beside me as i munch on milano cookies and tell Him that tonight, I'm frustrated. I'm thankful He's here, that He loves me enough to listen to my selfish complaints.
He doesn't say, "You don't have a husband because you're not loveable."
Whoa, whoa... no that'd be the devil...
Jesus says, "Mary, you don't have a husband because every man out there, no matter how good and how holy- will fail you. Let Me be your Husband, I will never fail you. I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Ok, this is a huge struggle for me, (all of you honest single people can raise your hand if it's you too...) BUT i know when we die we aren't given in marriage, there's no men or womenn- we are glorious spiritual beings who are the Bride of Christ.
Frankly, i'm kinda relieved. I'd like a break from this!

My truest fantasy... is to rest with Jesus in the bottom of the boat while the storm is raging. Just be there with Him and to know He can rebuke all those waves, and He loves me so much He'll let me rest there with him.
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.
"Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6,7
 
Instead of worrying, I need to constantly thank my sweet Jesus for how much He loves me and all that He saved me from.
 
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Phil. 4:8
 
I may be sinking... but Jesus is standing right there and when I cry out, "Lord, save me!" He reaches out His hand and mercifully pulls me out of the water. Thank You Jesus, for pulling me out of many waters and not letting me drown.

"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters." Psalm 18:16