It's a Process Folks...

Thank you Joanna, Nora, Erika, especially my sweet Kiya, and Matt.
Joanna, you're right. It's a pretty strong word you had, to let go of EVERYTHING. I've been holding on to everything but God and I am so scared to let go. It's really hard for me to accept that honestly, because I have so much more shit that I've been trusting in, years and years where I trusted in shit instead of God. It's not gonna be this simple BOOM! you're life is changed!!! WOW!
It's gonna be a process, a daily surrender. Please be patient with me.

I'm glad I have friends who care, who want to see me move forward, not back. I'm gonna go see Lora today, and I think it's very timely. I need to get away from everything, just like Joanna said. She said something big had to happen... but something big has happened... I know what God did in my heart and I still stand on it. Sadly, I'm still human. Not excusing my sin, just saying, I'm still human and i'm not gonna change in the blink of an eye. Please don't think I'm saying my sin is no biggie.

I have to let God cut things out of my "diet". Other people can't tell me what to cut out, only God knows what I can handle. Trust me ladies most of you have a pretty good idea of what He's been asking, and it's confirmation for me, but it has to be Him that does it. So many people have so many ideas of what i should do, what I should cut out, how I should dress, talk, walk, AHH! If I try to listen to everyone I would go insane and give up.

I need to be close to God so when He whispers gently, "You need to stop talking to Jason. You have to let that be in your past. Trust in ME and ME ALONE."
I can cry and say, "Ok God, I don't understand this, I don't like this, I hate this... But I know You are faithful and in spite of my emotions I am going to listen to You."

That's all this is... it's a process. A painful process. If you haven't experienced this kind of pain- praise God! It cuts to the core. It is completely crippling. Please try and understand that- I don't want to give in to the pain, but the pain is real, very, very real.

Erika gave me the link to this song and it is what I needed to hear. You all should read it too, it really encouraged me.

"After The World"

By Disciple

You break the glass, try to hide your face

Recorded lines that just will not erase

And buried in your loss of innocence

You wonder if you'll find it again

Was I there for the worst of all your pain?

And was I there when your blue skies ran away?

Was I there when the rains were flooding you off your feet?

Those were My tears falling down for you, falling down for you

I'm the One that you've been looking for

I'm the One that you've been waiting for

I've had My eyes on you ever since you were born

I will love you after the rain falls down

I will love you after the sun goes out

I'll have My eyes on you after the world is no more

Did I arrange the light of your first day?

Did I create the rhythm your heart makes?

Could you believe when your candle starts to fade?

I want to be the One that you believe

Could take it all away, take your heart away

Isn't My life a clear sign since I have crossed over this chasm

To fill the space between Me and you?

And I will do it all over again

Just look for Me, just wait for Me

The One you've been looking for

The One you've been waiting for

You won't have to look anymore