Friday, January 28, 2011
back to egypt
I wish I had never met Jason. I wish my heart had never been touched. That I had stayed in my numb little shell and been left alone. At least I didn't feel worthless, stupid, unloved, and now, unforgiven, defeated and completely hopeless. I hate him. I know you're not supposed to hate people but I hate him. He has hurt me so many times and I don't even wanna see him or hear his name or be friends with people who know him. i wanna disappear and never come back. I told him he loved his pain, he loved his past and chose it over me. He got so mad at me said I didn't know his heart. Yeah i don't but I see him clinging to all his pain and hurt. I just wanna go back to being numb. Before people were watching me. Before anyone cared what I was doing or how I lived. I feel like the whole world is watching me and now that I've slipped and fell, returned to my vomit, they're all turning away from me. Saying, "I knew that wouldn't last long... too bad." Everyone left. I'm alone with my tears and anger now. It's all my fault too. I wish I'd never met him. I wanna go back to egypt, where nobody bothered me or cared how completely dead i was inside. Before it took me a day or two to get over someone cheating on me. Now it's been a month and I still can't get over a stupid boy I dated for a couple of weeks. I want the pain to stop. I want people to stop watching how much of a complete failure i am. I wanna disappear. I'm not a strong person. I'm not a good person. I don't feel like i have the right to even speak of anything of God
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You know what? You don't have a right to speak of anything of God--that is, without HIM. On our own, we are nothing. Every fiber of every one of us is a sick, disgusting mess without Jesus. Something dramatic and big has to change in your life; step away from everything you've known in the past several years. It's not about quoting Bible verses or having Dominic dedicated (not that those things are wrong)...it's about dumping everything that's ME and letting Him fill those holes. I know it's easier said than done, and it doesn't seem to make a whole lot of practical sense. But I guess I'm just saying to drop everything except God. Dreams, hopes, friendships (that aren't profitable), everything. The same thing is asked of me.
ReplyDeleteAnd, now that I've said all that, please know that I'm not saying it with even an ounce of condemnation or hate. I love you Mary, and I want more than anything to see you free. For some reason this reminds me of a diet. It's really easy to get excited about something when it's new, but then the same old dry, healthy bread starts to taste AWFUL. We want the donuts back. But once we get one, our diet is blown so we get upset and discouraged. Don't get discouraged. Don't go numb. You've been given feelings for a reason!
Okay, I'm kinda rambling. Call me when you get a chance. I don't want to see you alone and discouraged. *hug*
Joanna S.
Haha, I just realized my comment is longer than your original blog. LOL
ReplyDeleteHi Mary! Its been awhile....
ReplyDeletePoking through facebook posts, I stumbled across your blog. I just felt to share with you a verse we talked about at our girls study "She is clothed with strength and dignity." It just came to mind so I am passing it on to you with a prayer that you Will be clothed with the strength and dignity that comes with being HIS child.
love and prayers --nora--
*hug* It should come as no suprise that the Devil will use any means to make you feel alone, worthless, and so on. But God is so much bigger than him, so much bigger than those feelings. You're not alone Mary. None of us are perfect, we all fall, and true friends aren't waiting to point a finger at you and tell you "I told you so" they are there with arms wide open waiting to help you up, waiting to help you continue taking the baby steps forward. Feel angry, feel frustrated, God gave us those feelings for a reason, just know where it is coming from. It is coming from your focus on a boy, and the from the Devil. God is a jealous God, He wants your love and attention first, so He can continue to fill you up with His unending love, His perfect love, a place where you will feel full, loved, and not alone. Let that boy go, you can't change what has happened. Move on, move forward, you have something greater to look forward to. You can't change him. So vent dear sister, and know there are still those of us waiting to catch you when you fall and give you really big hugs.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love,
Kiya