i can't sleep. my pillow smells like him. i want him back... i don't want it to end like THIS me feeling hurt and angry and feeling like we did each other so wrong. i fill my pillow with tears and just wanna kick and scream and tell myself this was all wrong. it ended so wrong. it shouldn't have ended like that, not like that.
i shouldn't have posted about him on here at all. i'm just too honest with these things. i think he's mad at me.
i know if i'm gonna put God first i have to let J go, but all my heart wants to do is to cling onto him. it's easier NOT to have sex with random men when there's this awesome man who (in spite of his imperfections) loves God, constantly saying how much he cares about you and how he doesn't see you as a slut at all. now that he's gone, i'm so scared i won't lean on God... every time i open my Bible it keeps saying how God is the strength of His people. they never do anything on their own, it's always Him. but i've been leaning partly on God and mostly on J. even tho i know better. i tried not to. but i was- i was leaning on a man instead of God. sigh. i suck at this. just gonna go back and cry cuz it ended so wrong. it ended so wrong. i wanna go back and erase that night. i wanna erase my heart's pain. i wanna erase the post about him, but i know what's done is done. i can't undo any of it. erasing it would just, not change anything at all. although i wish it would. i wish it would erase that night and all these feelings i have all over the place now. idk what else to say. idk who to text, who to call... just keep reading through psalms and crying and feeling defeated and angry and yet, i know God loves me. God still loves me. why on earth would He still love me? i am so baffled.
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