a little part of my story

My AVG software is downloading and Dominic is a sleep, so i have a bit of time.
This story has been on my heart but I'm apprehensive to post it, I know a lot of people read my blog and I'm scared what all of you will say. *deep breath* Here goes nothin...

When I was 15 years old, I loved Jesus. I wanted to serve Him, worship Him, follow Him, but I kept holding back this little thing... my flesh. I wanted a husband and I didn't believe God wanted good things for me, so I held onto that part of my heart, telling myself I'd find a husband no matter what.
Around that time I met a young man, his name is Noah. Some of you know him and know this part of the story, other people have no clue.
I immediately fell in love with his HEART. He isn't the most attractive person, but his heart was so beautiful. He lived on the coast of Oregon and we started emailing and calling back and forth. He was very depressed and even tho he was in his twenties, he still knew I liked him and always came to me for emotional support. Often times he'd say God might want us to marry, always raising my hopes. He told me he loved me and that I was beautiful- I gobbled it all up. This went on, off and on really, for three years and after awhile I was sure I was supposed to marry him.

Nearing my 19th birthday I began to work at Macy's and was deep in a world focused on the physical. I began to have demonic nightmares... I prayed and prayed and tried so hard to fight it all off. I felt like I was losing my mind. I discovered one night that if I let myself think about sexual things, the demonic stuff would go away. I was trying to fight in my own strength and was too foolish to ask God for help, eventually I didn't wanna fight anymore.

Right around that time while I was struggling to not give into sin but to fight, fight, fight (thinking I had to do it all) Noah called me. He told me he had never loved me. He had never thought I was beautiful. He had done similar things in the past, not allowing me to contact him for months at a time and then he'd randomly call just to get a little ego boost... but this was different... he was dead serious. He did not love me.

I was full of anger.

He had always told me my virginity was a blessing, a gift from God to be guarded.
Without realizing it 'til afterwards, I went to do the one thing that could hurt Noah the most.
I gave away my virginity, my first kiss, to some random guy.
I called Noah, I told him what I'd done. I wanted to shove it in his face and make him hurt.
I will never for the rest of my life forget the sound in his voice. Like someone had punched him in the stomach and he was left gasping for air but was not able to get any. I cried, and cried... but part of me was glad I'd hurt him.
To this day Noah blames himself for me walking away, but it wasn't his fault at all. He is not responsible for my actions.
I tried to reconcile to God but I refused to let go of my flesh, I wanted to feel good and I thought, "What if God doesn't want that for me? What if He wants to make me suffer? What if He doesn't want me to have children?" I made a decision to not take that risk.
I slept with guy after guy after guy... til I'd lost track. It didn't matter. In fact, after a couple of years, I was proud of my sin. I'd boast that I was an expert at it and that my heart could not be touched. I boasted about how unfeeling I was and how easily I dismissed men. They at first played with my heart and broke me, then I turned the table and used men and made them cry. I was cold, completely numb. Boyfriends never lasted long... 4 months tops. I always broke up with them because I would not let myself risk the pain I felt that day when Noah called me to tell me he didn't love me and never had.

*sigh*

History repeats itself... or so i thought a few nights ago.

Jason sat me down and told me he had to leave for Texas, that he needed to be healed. He said he loved me and wanted to take me with him and had even prayed about taking me with him but...
"But"... such a tiny little conjuction aren't you? Look at all the turmoil such a conjuction can ensue!
...But he could not because God had called him to go without anything from this place. That included me and my son.

I was so, so angry. Why would God do all of these good things in my life? Bring this man who I truly loved, just to take him away?

I wanted to be numb again, I wanted to stop feeling all the pain in my soul... so I decided i'd do what i was good at. I would sleep with someone, maybe throw it in Jason's face, then see how godly he really is.


Oh man I don't know how to recover from that. Wow. I will never understand how God could want me. Even with all my anger and all my pride and selfishness... He loves me.


I did. I slept with someone, someone Jason knows and does NOT like at all. I was sure I'd be numb and just throw it in Jason's face and laugh as he cried. That is not at all what happened!!!
The "someone" came, did the deed and left. No love, no affection. Nothing.


Once Dominic was asleep and I began to process everything, I began to sob like a little child. Not just like little tears trickling, i'm talking boogery-goo everywhere, it was "WHAT-THE-FUCK-DID-I-DO?!?!" crying. (excuse the language). I had been angry-texting Jason and then after that person came and left I started texting him saying how sorry I was and that he deserved someone better than me. I told him I had just stumbled him and if it wasn't for me he would not have had sex again at all. Somehow he knew- I don't know how, but he knew. He asked me if I'd slept with someone and I told him yes and who it was. Then I started just wishing I could tear off my skin and run away and hide for forever.

Jason was mad, furious... but not at me.

He came over and rushed to me, a little snotty, selfish lump on the couch, wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me and he forgave me. Then he prayed and prayed and prayed. I sobbed and wept and got snot AAAALLLLLLLLL over him. He didn't care. He told me he was sorry he'd made me so angry, that he never ever meant to hurt me.

I know if he had known that God was gonna call him so far away that he would have never ever begun this relationship with me.

He held me, and I know he and I messed up before... that night, two nights ago... it wasn't even like that. We didn't even kiss... he just prayed and held me. He prayed until 2am until we both fell asleep hand-in-hand sitting up straight. If that isn't the love of God I do not know what is. Yes, yes Jason and I had sex before and it is NOT RIGHT and I was hurt because of it- but he has shown me God's love when no one else was able to. I can't explain it.


Long, long ago when Shepherds had little lambs that strayed and wouldn't listen, they would take them and break their legs. Then they would carry the little lambs on their shoulders until the lamb knew their Shepherd's voice. I am that stupid little lamb, never listening. Now I understand the verse, "Make these bones which you have broken rejoice."

The demonic nightmares have been coming back. This time I won't give up, because my bones are already broken. God is carrying me, until I know HIS voice. I've been reading in Romans and God always is there with me, He always saves me. He has given me promises, telling me that sin should not reign in my body because He has freed me from it.

This is my story... so far. Pray for me. I don't want sin to reign in my body anymore- we have victory over sin and I need to start living like that's true.