Mary's Moving? When? Where? WHY?!

Ok, so it's kinda of hard to explain everything via facebook, and it is NOT a good idea to try and explain things at midnight after crying for hours on end. Let me try to clarify a few things.

1. I had decided a long time ago I wanted to move out of Bend to Portland to take the nursing program once I finish my prerequisites.
2. Recently, several people have suggested I move away from Bend NOW or very soon from now.
3. I am in the middle of a term, I cannot move RIGHT NOW
4. Dominic is quite young and I do not want to take him away from his grandparents yet
5. Whilst all of you have good points, you must refer to point 1. Eventually I will move
6. Right now I am trying to decifer when and where to move to
7. The reality is I have NO MONEY to move

Okay, now, only God can tell me what to do- but the fact that numerous people have suggested that I move away from Bend sooner rather than later, I am taking it into serious consideration. HOWEVER- I do not yet have peace about it, nor is it something I want to do. Doesn't mean I shouldn't, or I'm not going to, or it isn't in God's will- I'm just being honest about how I feel.
There are a lot of things I have to take into consideration:

1. Where will I live?
2. Where will I work?
3. Who will watch Dominic?
4. How will I pay for the daycare while I'm in school, since the state does NOT PAY for daycare for college students, and only CERTAIN COLLEGES have FREE or LOW-COST daycare
5. Where will I find a Christian, spiritual support group?
6. Where will I find a financial support group in case I run out of diapers, wipes, gas, etc.?
7. Who will hold me accountable?

I honestly have more accountability here in Bend than I would anywhere else, why on earth when I'm at my weakest would I move away from that? I also have an extremely strong group of believers around me. Again, where I'm at right now, why would I move away from that?
Also- is God so limited that He can't work on me and change me while I'm here in Bend? Am I so weak and feeble that I am not capable of changing in this city? That is incredibly insulting to me and to God. HOWEVER- it doesn't mean that moving isn't a good idea OR that I don't already think I should move!! I have a lot more responsibility now and I have to weigh things out, I can't just jump in my car and GO! That'd be sweet, but I do not have that freedom.

In short. Yes, I am going to move. No, I do not know when or where yet. If I move before my prerequisites are done, I'd probably move to Medford where the Hills live, not Portland where I know only one or two people. Why and I not moving RIGHT NOW?! Because I don't have peace about it and I'm not afraid to face my problems right now, right here in Bend.

It's a Process Folks...

Thank you Joanna, Nora, Erika, especially my sweet Kiya, and Matt.
Joanna, you're right. It's a pretty strong word you had, to let go of EVERYTHING. I've been holding on to everything but God and I am so scared to let go. It's really hard for me to accept that honestly, because I have so much more shit that I've been trusting in, years and years where I trusted in shit instead of God. It's not gonna be this simple BOOM! you're life is changed!!! WOW!
It's gonna be a process, a daily surrender. Please be patient with me.

I'm glad I have friends who care, who want to see me move forward, not back. I'm gonna go see Lora today, and I think it's very timely. I need to get away from everything, just like Joanna said. She said something big had to happen... but something big has happened... I know what God did in my heart and I still stand on it. Sadly, I'm still human. Not excusing my sin, just saying, I'm still human and i'm not gonna change in the blink of an eye. Please don't think I'm saying my sin is no biggie.

I have to let God cut things out of my "diet". Other people can't tell me what to cut out, only God knows what I can handle. Trust me ladies most of you have a pretty good idea of what He's been asking, and it's confirmation for me, but it has to be Him that does it. So many people have so many ideas of what i should do, what I should cut out, how I should dress, talk, walk, AHH! If I try to listen to everyone I would go insane and give up.

I need to be close to God so when He whispers gently, "You need to stop talking to Jason. You have to let that be in your past. Trust in ME and ME ALONE."
I can cry and say, "Ok God, I don't understand this, I don't like this, I hate this... But I know You are faithful and in spite of my emotions I am going to listen to You."

That's all this is... it's a process. A painful process. If you haven't experienced this kind of pain- praise God! It cuts to the core. It is completely crippling. Please try and understand that- I don't want to give in to the pain, but the pain is real, very, very real.

Erika gave me the link to this song and it is what I needed to hear. You all should read it too, it really encouraged me.

"After The World"

By Disciple

You break the glass, try to hide your face

Recorded lines that just will not erase

And buried in your loss of innocence

You wonder if you'll find it again

Was I there for the worst of all your pain?

And was I there when your blue skies ran away?

Was I there when the rains were flooding you off your feet?

Those were My tears falling down for you, falling down for you

I'm the One that you've been looking for

I'm the One that you've been waiting for

I've had My eyes on you ever since you were born

I will love you after the rain falls down

I will love you after the sun goes out

I'll have My eyes on you after the world is no more

Did I arrange the light of your first day?

Did I create the rhythm your heart makes?

Could you believe when your candle starts to fade?

I want to be the One that you believe

Could take it all away, take your heart away

Isn't My life a clear sign since I have crossed over this chasm

To fill the space between Me and you?

And I will do it all over again

Just look for Me, just wait for Me

The One you've been looking for

The One you've been waiting for

You won't have to look anymore

back to egypt

I wish I had never met Jason. I wish my heart had never been touched. That I had stayed in my numb little shell and been left alone. At least I didn't feel worthless, stupid, unloved, and now, unforgiven, defeated and completely hopeless. I hate him. I know you're not supposed to hate people but I hate him. He has hurt me so many times and I don't even wanna see him or hear his name or be friends with people who know him. i wanna disappear and never come back. I told him he loved his pain, he loved his past and chose it over me. He got so mad at me said I didn't know his heart. Yeah i don't but I see him clinging to all his pain and hurt. I just wanna go back to being numb. Before people were watching me. Before anyone cared what I was doing or how I lived. I feel like the whole world is watching me and now that I've slipped and fell, returned to my vomit, they're all turning away from me. Saying, "I knew that wouldn't last long... too bad." Everyone left. I'm alone with my tears and anger now. It's all my fault too. I wish I'd never met him. I wanna go back to egypt, where nobody bothered me or cared how completely dead i was inside. Before it took me a day or two to get over someone cheating on me. Now it's been a month and I still can't get over a stupid boy I dated for a couple of weeks. I want the pain to stop. I want people to stop watching how much of a complete failure i am. I wanna disappear. I'm not a strong person. I'm not a good person. I don't feel like i have the right to even speak of anything of God

Frustration, frustration, frustration!

I'm not frustrated right now... this week however has been quite trying. I feel defeated. All the little things keep going wrong and get under my skin. Now I just feel like sighing and giving up, 'cause when we mess up that's the easiest thing to do. I should not talk to certain men... even if they are a professing Christian... a double minded person is unstable in all his ways. I don't want to be that person! I've been pointing fingers and getting angry at a certain person for his unbelief, for the way he asks why instead of trusting God... now I'm mad at myself for still lusting after him... and for giving in. Stupid-face flesh, go die, you're dead, stop trying to come back and overtake me.  I honestly don't know how to feel... Jason says we shouldn't talk to each other anymore... which he says every time this happens. He's really gone off the deepend this time though and I'm at my wit's end.
Unfortunately I know that I have to stop saying I'm weak and use the strength God has given me to remove myself from being anywhere near Jason, or letting him tempt me when he's lusting after me. I have to stop myself from giving in and allowing myself to fantasize about marrying him... it's not gonna happen Mary!

The thing that sucks is it's so easy for me to go from one extreme to another... like, "God doesn't want me to have Jason so He obviously wants me to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life. I obviously don't deserve to be loved by anyone... blah, blah, blah more lies from the devil..."  Ahem. *spits in the devils face*
God wants Jason out of my life because I'm tempted and distracted by him. That's it. Nothing more... and nothing less. He helped bring me back to God sure- but he is just as steadfastly keeping me from staying near God. I need to get him out of my life. It's not anyone's fault but MINE and I have to own it, confess it, repent of it and move forward. I hate that those things which I would not do, are the very things I do. God deliver me from the body of this death!!! (Romans 7 reference) God be thanked, for Jesus Christ my Lord- He redeemed me, I just need to stop saying it's true and start living it out. Waaaaaaaaaaaay easier said than done. I'm sorry everyone, I failed all of you as well as Jesus, I pray you'll forgive me- please pray that I'll turn away from this sin for forever.

iPad- is it worth it? The Good, The Bad and the UGLY!

This week's homework is about Apple's new iPad. Having indirectly worked with Apple for a non-disclosed third-party organization, at an undisclosed location (I don't wanna get in trouble here folks), I feel that I have a good grasp on the product.

Before discussing the good, bad and ugly- let's answer an important question: What IS the iPad?

The iPad is basically an over-glorified iPod touch. If you don't know what that is... where have you been for the last 5 years?!?! 

Now that we've established that, let's move on.

THE GOOD:

Sleek design, high paced technology and a touch screen that will blow your mind!

"The high-resolution, 9.7-inch LED-backlit IPS display on iPad is remarkably crisp and vivid. Which makes it perfect for web browsing, watching movies, or viewing photos. With iPad, there is no up or down. It’s designed to show off your content in portrait or landscape orientation with every turn." (Apple iPad Design)
This bad boy comes at a price though.
Starting at $499... and going all the way up to $829 if you want the 64GB with WiFi AND 3G capabilities. (Apple iPad BUY NOW page)

Can you believe someone would spend that much on a little gizmo? Believe it folks! Oh, and that's not including the keyboard dock, iPad case, the iPen, and much more... take a look!

 

 However, it wouldn't be expensive if it wasn't worth SOMETHING, right?

"One of the first things you’ll notice about iPad is how thin and light it is. The screen is 9.7 inches measured diagonally. So overall, it’s slightly smaller than a magazine. At just 1.5 pounds and 0.5 inch thin,¹ you can use it anywhere. And a slight curve to the back makes it easy to pick up and comfortable to hold." (Apple iPad Design) It has 10 hours of battery life, is multi-touch capable (which means it recognizes multiple movements on its screen) and not only WiFi capable but also 3G capable- if you spend a little more. The iPad does have a lot of features people have been asking for... but in a new iPod touch. That being said, the WiFi capability on the iPad is phenomenal! Just so long as you don't go to any sites that use adobe flash... I'll talk more about that as I go into the bad and ugly side of the iPad.
THE BAD:
This revolutionary device has one small setback... No USB port. Yes, you fellow geeks and nerds know what that means! It means you have to buy specific (and not cheap!) Apple products if you want to connect your precious iPad to anything other than its dock. They even advertise a special kit if you want to import pictures from a camera to your iPad. Yeah.
The hugest problem with all Apple mobile products (iPod Touch, iPhone and iPad) is the fact that they cannot use Adobe Flash Player. There's even an apple article about it here. This means most pictures and videos on the web will not work on the iPad- which is kinda ironic since they advertise it for its web capabilities.
THE UGLY:

There are a lot of things not so convenient about the iPad, such as its size. It is the most inconvenient size imaginable. Too big to put in your pocket, to big for your purse, too small for any computer case... which means you have to buy a case from Apple. Another thing is if your precious iPad slips out of your hands and *KABOOM!* Shatters into pieces... or perhaps you are in the park and lay your iPad down to kiss your sweetheart, turn back and *OH SNAP!* It's been stolen!!!! Well my friend, you are out of luck. There is no Apple provided insurance for this puppy. You will have to buy a new one- for the small price of $499. That my friends, is pretty ugly. There's been so much hype about this that I doubt it'll flop, but my personal opinion.
The iPad is not the only tablet out there, there is also the Samsung Galaxy which so far is the only real competition. This device is smaller, lighter- has two cameras AAAND *drum roll please* supports Adobe Flash, mulitasking oh and it has phone capabilities too. The price has yet to be released, but if you check out the above link you will see a comparison table. This is claiming to be the first "iPad killer". It'll be interesting to see what happens once the price is released. Here's a picture of Apple's newest competition:

My honest opinion, save your money and buy a real computer! Macintosh computers ROCK- iPads... well, I'll leave these last few photos to show you how people view this interesting new piece of technology.

Hear Me

God I'm so weary,
Please say You hear me.
You are tearing the devil apart,
Breaking his chains off my heart,
I know he's angry, waging war against my soul,
Still I know Who's in control.
Every night I fight,
Right? Let my light shine bright,
Light bright, not like the toy,
Like something you can't destroy,
Like a city up on a hill cannot be hid,
I will not hide,
What God has done inside,
Of me.
He's won the victory.
God I don't know what to do anymore,
Throwing my weapons on the floor,
I lift my hands up to You,
'Cause You know what to do.
God I'm so weary,

Please say You hear me.
Be near me.
Teach me to rest, not the wrest with a "w",
Teach me to be still, to be at peace, to trust You.
I will not hide what You have done,
You have won,
Christ crucified, in Him I boast,
I will not fear for I serve the Lord God Almighty,
The Lord of hosts.

in awe of the One True God

Where do I begin? How can I even write about all that He has done in my heart?
The verse that has been pressed on my heart is, "Come out from among them, and be ye seperate." 2nd Cor. 6:17
The reason I walked away is because I began to accept the things, the sin of this world, as "normal" and "ok". It isn't though.
I know that we are supposed to come alongside people and minister to them- and I do not plan to stop doing that. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone either. I'm saying I'm worse. I'm saying if I surround myself in sinfulness, I will sin. Why would I submerge myself in what God has freed me from? Why would I take delight in it, or even make light of it? I want to get as far away from who I once was as possible and cling to the cross or Christ Jesus my Savior. It's hard for me to not sound preachy apparently- I'm really not trying to, I just get so excited about what God is doing and has done. The other night He freed me from the spirit of unforgiveness and self loathing. Quite dramatically too. I asked for prayer Saturday night for healing- if God wants to, i know He will heal me.

May I never forget how full of sin I was and that God is the One who saved me. Nobody and nothing else could have. Not Jason, not any book, not any accomplishment... Only Jesus Christ- my risen Lord!

This fight we're in isn't in the flesh, it's in the spiritual world- we would be foolish to ignore it. When we stand before God, what will be our excuse for comprimising? That we didn't know better? Or that we just didn't care? God is convicting my heart to the very core... I've wasted the last 3 years of my life giving place to the devil. Now God is doing a new thing, He is tearing out all that was once in my heart and doing a new thing. He is reclaiming His children, He is calling us to a higher calling... to be seperate. I know I'm a lil' baby Christian and all of you may think I'm just gettin excited. It isn't that... people who have been steadfastly following God are feeling the same call... to turn off our tv, to turn off secular music, to turn our faces from our sin to the One True God. Is He not worthy of that? My heart is aching to be close to Him, to honor Him. I still struggle, God is still in the process of breaking off these chains, but He is breaking them off and I am free. I will not be ashamed of the Gospel of Christ for it is the power of God unto salvation! Be encouraged, God is awesome and sees us in our pathetic, selfish state, and loves us. He is worthy of my life, I will not hold it back.

CIS 120 WK3

This week for my homework assignment I'm writing, err, "blogging" about a fellow blogger, who died. The story I'm writing about can be read here if any of my readers are interested in doing my homework with me! Hahah!

Firstly, this article was really long. Secondly, it brought me to tears. We as Americans take for granted the freedom we have and disgrace our country by forgetting our toops and veterans who fight and have fought so that we can keep this freedom! Not just one blogger died, but many, for saying things people in America say all the time about their government. When was the last time you heard someone, or read someone's blog that bad-mouthed our president, or our government? Was their house raided? Personal possesions taken? Were they put in prison, beaten? Did they- due to imprisonment, neglect, and abuse- die for writing or talking about something they believe in? No. Because our forefathers fought for freedom, and we have this awesome law of "freedom of speech". Yes, there have been steps backwards in our country, such as the taking down of the ten commandments, or kids not being allowed to pray in schools... but honestly, kids CAN pray in school. I hope my son learns that he has the freedom to pray and speak the name of Jesus wherever he is because we are protected in this country. Nobody is gonna imprison or kill him if he prays in school, or talks bad about the president. We have so much freedom in our country! I wish we would stop forgetting that. It really broke my heart that so many people want freedom in Iran- yet they are being silenced. I hope and pray that their country does become free... and that us as Americans would get our heads out of our *** and begin to be thankful for the freedom we have.

Then reality smacks you in the face

After this weekend, when I got baptized, a lot of not so exciting stuff happened. Seriously felt like two days ago 'reality' popped up and smacked me in the face.  Like, "Wake up! I'm still here!" I'd forgotten to do homework... argh. Oh and found out I have three life-long stds. Also have a test to make sure I don't have cervical cancer, done on Monday... a biopsy of my cervix. Wasn't too painful, but definitely wouldn't wanna do it again. On Monday I took Jason's number out of my phone, because almost overnight he completely changed from this man who was strong in the Lord, to someone struggling to keep his head above the crashing waves of depression, regret, etc. I know God will give him victory, but I'm a lil' baby Christian, I can't help him, it was just dragging me down. Letting go of Jason has been really rough, mostly cuz I see him being sad a lot. I hope with all my heart he is forgetting the former things and watching God do a new thing in his life.

Stupid reality. I wanna smack YOU in the face. (That smiley makes me life... I don't know why!)

Good news... got my FASFA check (financial aid/loans for school) and it was $1000 more than what it usually is! YAY! I think it's cuz so many people gave me school books. Now I can pay almost all the bills instead of some of the bills! Being a single mom is so fun financially... like a roller coaster! *being excessively sarcastic*

I know God will take care of me, He has in the past and that's not gonna change. Just wish I could be in two places at once.

I've got a lot of other thoughts and things on my heart about how God is working, but I'll save that for another post, I don't think the thought is quite complete. God is a jealous God... He wants me heart all to Himself and He deserves it... It kinda goes along those lines. Well folks, thanks for all of your prayers and time and love... you all are so wonderful. I couldn't do it without you!!

Remember not the former things!

So, so much has been happening. God is doing stuff every day, yet there's this reocurring theme I've begun to notice... God is calling His people apart, to be fools for Him, to follow Him in ways people say is "extreme" or "unnecessary". It's interesting that God has been putting this in so many people's hearts.

God had me "clean house" the last few days. Got 5 garbage bags full of things that I knew were not godly or things that I used to cling to my past or past men. I also got rid of other junk too... but mostly that kind of stuff. I even got rid of my pure romance stuff... not because it's "evil" but because I know where my heart is and I cannot do that anymore.

God has been giving me (and Katelyn) a ton of promises out of Isaiah 43.

Is. 43:10-13 reads as follows:
10 Ye are my witnesses, saith the LORD, and my servant whom I have chosen; that ye may know and believe me, and understand that I am he: before me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour.
12 I have declared, and have saved, and I have showed, when there was no strange god among you: therefore ye are my witnesses, saith the LORD, that I am God.
13 Yea, before the day was I am he; and there is none that can deliver out of my hand: I will work, and who shall let it?

The last part of those of you who have a hard time understanding KJV, God is saying that HE started a work, who can stop it? Pretty awesome promises. He also gave me this one a long time ago, and now He's really given it to me afresh:

Is. 43:18-20
18 Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.

19 Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
20 The beast of the field shall honor me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen.

God is doing great and amazing things in my life. If you wanna read the whole chapter here's a link to it: Isaiah 43 KJV

Change of topic:

I am pretty sure I'm getting sick, mostly cuz i could bark when i was reading dominic his barking doggie book, i just squeaked.  Slept in and missed class 'cause I was up late.  Sigh. Now I have to study online, argh. I hope I didn't miss anything important in class today. My heater died last night, so Dominic and I were really cold, he kept waking up, so I finally took him out of his bed and snuggled him up so he would be all warm and cozy. Oh and for those of you who didn't know, I'd been smoking half a pack a day and quit Sunday... I feel so free. God is good. Love you all.

God is faithful

God is so faithful. Through the temptations and pain, He is there with us.
"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27:10

God has put certain women in my life who feel the need for freedom, who have opened up their heart to me. It gives my heart so much joy! I'm still such a baby Christian though, and all I can tell them is that I'll pray for them and Jesus loves them just as much as He loves me and He wants freedom for them just as much as He wanted it and gave it to me!

Last night I prayed over Jason and he still would not let go of his past. He's been spending time with his ex Sky, saying it's ok. It isn't ok. I told him so and told him until he puts that part of his life behind him 100% I can't spend time with him. I'm too weak. I took his number out of my phone. My dad thinks God can raise up someone else... I told my dad that I need God to be Husband. God has to fill that void in me.

God is moving in people's hearts, in this city.

Ok, for those of you who read my blog and didn't understand why- I got baptized to signify that the old me is dead in Christ and I'm a new creation. I'd never had the freedom to make that step or say that. For those of you who've seen me try, try and try to come back- stop doubting God's power!!! Is His arm shortened? Can God not save even to the uttermost?? I've been tempted like crazy, had a witch in my house today and re-blessed my house. Not gonna let her over again, have no peace about it. Someone stronger can minister to her, I need to keep my heart safe. God is so much bigger than that stuff, doesn't even spook Him. He was before all things, He is from everlasting to everlasting. God created everything. Jesus holds the keys to hell and death. Pray for me fervently, more than you did when I was disobeying, I beg you to pray. God has given me victory!!! Pray that God would keep me covered in the shadow of His wings. He is faithful, don't doubt His faithfulness!!!

Set free, redeemed, recalimed, baptized, sanctified... I belong to JESUS

Ok, for those of you who don't believe in God, the devil, or physical manifestations of the spiritual world, wake up, stop being NUMB!!! God is ALIVE and living!

Last night I had set up a meeting with two older godly women, it just supposed to be an "interview" to see if it was a good fit for us to meet and pray on a weekly basis. Oh God is so much bigger than we are!! Haha! I began to tell them about my past and the opression and the way I felt I was addicted to sexual sin. I told them about my demonic encounters in the past and how I knew there were spiritual ties that needed to be broken. The more they prayed over me and talked with me and as I went through EVERY person I'd ever slept with and renounced them in God's name, breaking the bonds by HIS blood... well the more they knew this meeting had a different purpose. Right before we were going to part they wanted to pray over me. As soon as they told me I needed to stand I could feel something rising up in me that was... not me. They began to pray freedom from all my sin from every single sexual act I'd done, GOD FORGAVE ME. As they began to pray a spirit I gave hold to years ago began to scream and kick and tried to get away from them... they held me fast and rebuked that spirit. I curled up in a ball and cried like a baby. I never imagined something like that would happen yesterday- oh i knew there was an evil spirit in me... weirdly enough... I just never thought I could be rid of it! The best part, they prayed God would FILL THAT PLACE with HIS SPIRIT. Praise the Lord!
I went to church with Jason last night at Westside, I didn't wanna just leave and pretend like nothing happened, I wanted to be surrounded by God's people. Beautiful message about healing and beautiful freedom from being attached to Jason.
This morning went to my new home church, The Fellowship At Bend, or TFAB. They were baptizing people and I could feel the Holy Spirit everywhere, I started to tremble. I felt this pressure this pulling, this immense tugging to get baptized. To proclaim to everyone that God set me free from the snare of the devil and that Mary, the Mary who loved being a sinner, she died with Jesus at the cross. That Mary is buried with Jesus in His death and is risen by the power of His blood as a new creation.
I got rid of my pure romance kit- got gas money for it. Anointed my house, prayed out loud over my house. God actually woke me up right as the lady was coming to get the kit, I'd fallen asleep and my phone was on silent. He woke me up to rid me of it forever. I could write a hundred more pages of what God is doing in my life. Been in the Word like never before and there is this peace and joy washing over me. I do not belong to the devil anymore- i NEVER DID. Jesus claimed me before the world was formed and HE NEVER FORSOOK ME. He never has forsaken you either... Praise God for His mercy, His faithfulness. I belong to Jesus. Hallelujah!

It's time for some CRACK! WOO!

Ok, ok, i mean pepsi!  Hahaha! Oh wow, inside jokes aren't as funny online.
Anyway...
The Bible is so confusing. I was reading 1st Jn 3 (go read it you lazy lump! Hehehe... just kidding) It was saying whoever sins is of the devil. I was like, "Great, I was right... I'm of the devil." Then I started to cry and was super emotional. Don't want my son to be like me then right? What if I should give him to someone of God? Oh man, it was bad I was super upset, I thought, "It has to be true it's in the Bible." Oh and it is true, but not like I took it I don't think. I started reading some more just flipping, and I kept getting mean verses!!! Like, "Stop being angry, stop hating your brother. Whoever hates his brother has not seen God or known Him." I was FREAKING OUT like, "God doesn't love me, He knows my angry hateful heart and hates me..." Then I read these verses, saying God chastens and punishes the child that He loves... only fathers who don't care about or love their children don't. Oh. Wooops. That and the entire time i was thinking, "God doesn't love me, I'm of the devil." This little part of me... ok I think it was God... kept almost SCREAMING at me, "You are God's!!! Stop saying that!"
Then I read in Psalms and fell asleep. Ok, Dominic woke up, remember guys. Don't hate your brother. Don't be angry with people. BE HUMBLE. I think I've been proud... of all my humility no less. I need to knock it off. Only God is great. Love you all!!

Confound it Raja!!!

ARGH!!! I was just about to write a happy little post about my son turning 1 year old, now all I wanna do is bang my head against a wall. Today friggin SUCKS. Sigh.

Was supposed to go to a Pure Romance retreat this Sunday but my dad has bronchitis, AND he hates that I'm a PR consultant. My pure romance 'mom' already paid the $40 so i'm super frustrated, means i can't go AND i have to pay the $40 back. Stupid friggin bronchitis! I HATE YOU!
Hahaha, smileys make me laugh. Already called Maci and hopefully we can work something out... my dad said he will watch Dominic if I can't get out of the retreat, but I have to spend Saturday night there, which is whatev. Have to be to Target at like, 4am Sunday and they don't want Dominic to be there without me during the night in case he wakes up I guess. I dunno... I'm super annoyed about the whole thing, just wanna make it all disappear.

Ok, gonna try and switch gears here and write about something cheerful, my beautiful son.

One month, three days and counting... Dominic will be 1 year old so soon! I'm so excited.  He had his first eye exam yesterday. He's a litte far-sighted which she said is normal for his age and that both his eyes are at the same level of far-sightedness, which is a very good thing. They can still change over time. Dominic will have his 12 month exam in February and we just called Zooka to make an appointment there. Eyes, body and teeth. Yay! Dominic has been walking like crazy lately and he has six teeth. My little man is so awesome. I love him.
He just fell asleep, ahh... mommy time! Gonna sit back and have a pepsi or three... hehehe...

Ok folks, a little more light-hearted post this time. Went to Bible study last night and am super frustrated with myself, I know so much stuff but it's just in my HEAD- I'd rather know nothing and have Christ in my heart.

Love you all!!!

a little part of my story

My AVG software is downloading and Dominic is a sleep, so i have a bit of time.
This story has been on my heart but I'm apprehensive to post it, I know a lot of people read my blog and I'm scared what all of you will say. *deep breath* Here goes nothin...

When I was 15 years old, I loved Jesus. I wanted to serve Him, worship Him, follow Him, but I kept holding back this little thing... my flesh. I wanted a husband and I didn't believe God wanted good things for me, so I held onto that part of my heart, telling myself I'd find a husband no matter what.
Around that time I met a young man, his name is Noah. Some of you know him and know this part of the story, other people have no clue.
I immediately fell in love with his HEART. He isn't the most attractive person, but his heart was so beautiful. He lived on the coast of Oregon and we started emailing and calling back and forth. He was very depressed and even tho he was in his twenties, he still knew I liked him and always came to me for emotional support. Often times he'd say God might want us to marry, always raising my hopes. He told me he loved me and that I was beautiful- I gobbled it all up. This went on, off and on really, for three years and after awhile I was sure I was supposed to marry him.

Nearing my 19th birthday I began to work at Macy's and was deep in a world focused on the physical. I began to have demonic nightmares... I prayed and prayed and tried so hard to fight it all off. I felt like I was losing my mind. I discovered one night that if I let myself think about sexual things, the demonic stuff would go away. I was trying to fight in my own strength and was too foolish to ask God for help, eventually I didn't wanna fight anymore.

Right around that time while I was struggling to not give into sin but to fight, fight, fight (thinking I had to do it all) Noah called me. He told me he had never loved me. He had never thought I was beautiful. He had done similar things in the past, not allowing me to contact him for months at a time and then he'd randomly call just to get a little ego boost... but this was different... he was dead serious. He did not love me.

I was full of anger.

He had always told me my virginity was a blessing, a gift from God to be guarded.
Without realizing it 'til afterwards, I went to do the one thing that could hurt Noah the most.
I gave away my virginity, my first kiss, to some random guy.
I called Noah, I told him what I'd done. I wanted to shove it in his face and make him hurt.
I will never for the rest of my life forget the sound in his voice. Like someone had punched him in the stomach and he was left gasping for air but was not able to get any. I cried, and cried... but part of me was glad I'd hurt him.
To this day Noah blames himself for me walking away, but it wasn't his fault at all. He is not responsible for my actions.
I tried to reconcile to God but I refused to let go of my flesh, I wanted to feel good and I thought, "What if God doesn't want that for me? What if He wants to make me suffer? What if He doesn't want me to have children?" I made a decision to not take that risk.
I slept with guy after guy after guy... til I'd lost track. It didn't matter. In fact, after a couple of years, I was proud of my sin. I'd boast that I was an expert at it and that my heart could not be touched. I boasted about how unfeeling I was and how easily I dismissed men. They at first played with my heart and broke me, then I turned the table and used men and made them cry. I was cold, completely numb. Boyfriends never lasted long... 4 months tops. I always broke up with them because I would not let myself risk the pain I felt that day when Noah called me to tell me he didn't love me and never had.

*sigh*

History repeats itself... or so i thought a few nights ago.

Jason sat me down and told me he had to leave for Texas, that he needed to be healed. He said he loved me and wanted to take me with him and had even prayed about taking me with him but...
"But"... such a tiny little conjuction aren't you? Look at all the turmoil such a conjuction can ensue!
...But he could not because God had called him to go without anything from this place. That included me and my son.

I was so, so angry. Why would God do all of these good things in my life? Bring this man who I truly loved, just to take him away?

I wanted to be numb again, I wanted to stop feeling all the pain in my soul... so I decided i'd do what i was good at. I would sleep with someone, maybe throw it in Jason's face, then see how godly he really is.


Oh man I don't know how to recover from that. Wow. I will never understand how God could want me. Even with all my anger and all my pride and selfishness... He loves me.


I did. I slept with someone, someone Jason knows and does NOT like at all. I was sure I'd be numb and just throw it in Jason's face and laugh as he cried. That is not at all what happened!!!
The "someone" came, did the deed and left. No love, no affection. Nothing.


Once Dominic was asleep and I began to process everything, I began to sob like a little child. Not just like little tears trickling, i'm talking boogery-goo everywhere, it was "WHAT-THE-FUCK-DID-I-DO?!?!" crying. (excuse the language). I had been angry-texting Jason and then after that person came and left I started texting him saying how sorry I was and that he deserved someone better than me. I told him I had just stumbled him and if it wasn't for me he would not have had sex again at all. Somehow he knew- I don't know how, but he knew. He asked me if I'd slept with someone and I told him yes and who it was. Then I started just wishing I could tear off my skin and run away and hide for forever.

Jason was mad, furious... but not at me.

He came over and rushed to me, a little snotty, selfish lump on the couch, wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me and he forgave me. Then he prayed and prayed and prayed. I sobbed and wept and got snot AAAALLLLLLLLL over him. He didn't care. He told me he was sorry he'd made me so angry, that he never ever meant to hurt me.

I know if he had known that God was gonna call him so far away that he would have never ever begun this relationship with me.

He held me, and I know he and I messed up before... that night, two nights ago... it wasn't even like that. We didn't even kiss... he just prayed and held me. He prayed until 2am until we both fell asleep hand-in-hand sitting up straight. If that isn't the love of God I do not know what is. Yes, yes Jason and I had sex before and it is NOT RIGHT and I was hurt because of it- but he has shown me God's love when no one else was able to. I can't explain it.


Long, long ago when Shepherds had little lambs that strayed and wouldn't listen, they would take them and break their legs. Then they would carry the little lambs on their shoulders until the lamb knew their Shepherd's voice. I am that stupid little lamb, never listening. Now I understand the verse, "Make these bones which you have broken rejoice."

The demonic nightmares have been coming back. This time I won't give up, because my bones are already broken. God is carrying me, until I know HIS voice. I've been reading in Romans and God always is there with me, He always saves me. He has given me promises, telling me that sin should not reign in my body because He has freed me from it.

This is my story... so far. Pray for me. I don't want sin to reign in my body anymore- we have victory over sin and I need to start living like that's true.

45 minutes...

Just got 100% on a little open book test! Woo! I have 45 min tho til my next class, so i'm writing a little blog.
My life is so crazy. Haha oh well. School is good, busy but good. Lots and lots of homework! Kinda nice to be kept so busy tho honestly. Jason and I are just friends now, I think. He said he'll be my valentine, but only cuz i asked. I've never had a real valentine, and i dunno if he really is a real valentine since we're not together. What can ya do? Haha, I'm happy he said yes tho.

I'll write more later... Love you all!

Second Life picture for CIS 120

Second Life is a virtual world. You can meet new people online, go "shopping" and all sorts of things. By joining you will be able to choose an avatar, change your appearance and even shop for a new better look. After joining they send you an email and you will be able to access your second life account and be able to engage in the online world!



In class we talked about what things make your computer run slowly. Things such as low RAM, needing to defrag and the evil VIRUSES. You need to scan your computer for a virus, your computer finds the virus when it finds a virus pattern. Programs are written in 1's and 0's, when a sequence of 1's and 0's runs in a certain order, a "virus sequence" your computer will alert you. That's the reason why we update our virus software, so that our computers can have the new list of "virus sequences". That's all I'm gonna say about that because it's beginnnig to go over my head, hahaha. This is my week 2 blog for my CIS 120 class.

balloons and baby bottoms

Where shall I begin? Saturday, Friday? Golly... well, I dunno.

Saturday night, finally told him i couldn't talk to him at all anymore (we'll see how long that lasts). After he left I went to get my laundry out of the car and there was a helium balloon that I'd forgotten about, i was just gonna let it float away so i threw it out of the car. *ThUnK* Hmm. It's floating but not going anywhere. Brought the laundry inside and grabbed some scissors... The tiniest little clip was keeping the balloon here on the ground. *snip, snip* Away it went! It didn't shoot off like a rocket, it didn't go in a perfect line, it flitted, floated, danced through the night sky until it disappeared into the stars. I don't know if it popped, or what happened, but I know that if balloons could feel, that balloon felt FREE.

you see, i want to go with Jason to Texas, and marry him, but God asked me to let him go. Went to church yesterday and the pastor was preaching out of Nehemiah 9. He kept coming back to how there is ONE God, that the Lord is God alone. Nothing else in my heart should take precedence over God- not even a man of God. Afterward I decided it couldn't hurt to go and pray with someone, since they had people available. One of the men prayed that God would be a Husband to me and a Father to Dominic and that HE would fill that void. Then he introduced me to his wife and she invited me to a women's prayer group thursday nights. I'm really excited. Tfab is an awesome church.

Sadly- no matter how much i KNOW all of the above- I want Jason so badly, everything seemed to fit.  Yes, we messed up, but, who hasn't? I'm not condoning it, I'm just asking for prayer. I don't understand why God would bring a man who loves Jesus and me and Dominic so much, a man whose family loves me; a man who my family loves and a man with whom I just click...why would God bring a man like that, just to take him away?

Honestly, I don't even wanna pick up my phone or go to school or anything. i wanna sit in my pj's and cry and feel sorry for myself. Need to return the small group leader's call, the doctors call, oh blah. Skipped school today because Dominic kept waking up last night SCREAMING bloody murder! I could not figure out what it was. This morning I figured it out and felt like a terrible mama. He'd had a poopy diaper, I hadn't smelled it or checked or anything.
I wiped his bottom and was like, "What's the white stuff???" then he started SCREAMING again- it was his skin. His little bottom was bleeding and it was all my fault. He had huge tears running down his face. I lathered up his poor little botom with A&D ointment. Poor bubba. He isn't eating much, and keeps having the runs. That's the reason I didn't go to school. My poor Domino... pray he feels better soon.

Ok, thanks everyone for reading, love you all!!

Decisions, decisions!

Ok, so sadly I can't really elaborate on the decision I'm making, but I can say this, it is a life-changing one. A very big one. There's a 90% chance that nothing will happen though and my life won't change much at all, I'll just be a little sad. There's a 10% chance though that everything will change. I talked to my parents about it and asked them to pray, and the person who this whole change depends upon well, I will be talking to them this evening I hope. Pray, pray, pray. Not gonna let my heart get involved, just gonna trust in the Lord. I have a feeling the thing that's in the 90% chance will be what happens but... well, I don't know. I don't dare hope, do I? I need to know. I need to know because it's so soon, and I want to know where my heart, mind and body should be in regards to this whole relationship situation. It's either one extreme or the other... I wish I knew which extreme was the right one. Blah. >.<

That verse I posted last night has been running through my head all day, "The Lord is my strength and my refuge: My God; in Him will I trust." I have to hide in Him, let Him be my strength. Basically just throw myself at His feet and ask Him to do what He wants with me. I can trust He will always do what's right and good and perfect. I'm so thankful to serve a God who IS love. I can be confident in Him.

I'm getting sick. My throat has that yucky feeling and everything tastes worse, ya know what i'm talking about? Ugh. My whole family has been sick this last month, and I am not excited about catching it, or having Dominic catch it. Sick babies are so sad!!! >.< We'll get through it, one day at a time. ^_^

Thank you to everyone who's been reading, commenting, praying, encouraging me- you all are so wonderful. I'm always amazed at how many people out there love Dominic and me. It lifts me up. ♥

There's a new way springing forth in the wilderness!... but I need a map.

I want to follow God.
I want to be free from sexual sin- and all sin, but that one in particular. I don't know where in the world to start. It's not just the ACT of sexual sin either, it's just, you know... it's also my past, letting it go, not feeling guilty ALL THE TIME about it. Feeling like a whore and a slut and like I have no right to show my face in church... ugh, I know those feelings are all lies from the devil- I am not that girl anymore. But I've been that girl and believed that lie for three long, dark, dark years. Katelyn was saying she heard somewhere that we should give back to God the years we took away, like to dedicate three years to letting God heal and restore me. Doesn't mean it'll take Him that long, (He is God) but just to be able to say, "God, You deserve these years, and all of the rest of the yearsof my life."
I don't know where I'm going with this... actually i dunno where i'm going period. I'd be lying to say i had complete peace- it's like, I'm closer to God than I've ever been but something keeps my head twirling round so i can't see straight. Sigh. Lost my Bible too :( Shannon has it, gonna go get it tomorrow. I actually got online so i could read some lol. The internet is good for something after all!
"I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust." Psalm 91:2

You are more (new favorite song)

This song just, gives me chills every time i listen to it, and makes me cry. this is totally my theme song!!

Excited!

Tonight is the first time in a very long time that i'm going to an in-home Bible study. It's a college group that one of my old gal-friends, Shannon, started. She's married now which is CUH-RAAAZY but super cool and i'm looking forward to meeting her husband. Chels is on her way to come pick me and Dominic up, hope he does ok, he actually just fell asleep, poor bay-bay... hate waking him up to put him in the car.

I've been super, super busy with this being my first week back at school- taking math, psych and my computer class. On top of that I've been getting in touch with old Christian friends of mine, which has been AWESOME! I dunno what to think about all of this, my whole life is spinning in a totally different direction because of what God is doing in my heart. Last night read a psalm saying that I need to give Him the glory, because He is my strength. Sometimes I get so caught up in my emotions and all the draaaaamaaaaaaa... that I forget what's really important. It's not easy to start following Him again, there aren't many but there are some people who don't think it'll happen, that in a month or two i'll have fallen back away and this will all mean nothing. I hope, I pray with all my heart that they are wrong.

Ok Chels is here gotta go!!!

Go in Peace

I’m not proud of everything I did,
I’m not proud of everything I’ve said,
Don’t believe everything you’ve read,
‘Cause I’m not happy, that I broke up with you,
So if you hear that I am, know that it’s not true.

Flip over my pillow and I can still smell,
Soft kisses, like fresh rain that fell,
From your lips to mine,
I know I’ll be fine,
Just need some time.
Even when the sun comes out to shine,
The skies are so blue,
Raindrops flutter of my eyelashes ‘cause I still miss you,
Oh I still miss you.
No matter what I do.

Honestly, I mostly,
Want you here with me,
Honestly, I mostly,
Want you here with me,
My hand in yours resting on your knee,
As you make me laugh, now I just cry.
I don’t wanna hear you say you’re sorry anymore,
I want things to go back to the way they were before.
When you were holding my son, holding my hand,
Thought we were all going to the promised land,
Now you said you have to go,
That’s all I know.

Sit with me at the dock of the bay,
We’ll watch our troubles roll away,
Look the sun is about to rise,
Wipe those tears off your eyes.

If you must leave then go, but go in peace,
May God be the One who leads,
‘Til He leads you home.
Though he called you to roam,
You’re never alone.

Let me send you off with a blessing and maybe one last kiss,
If you ever get lonely, just remember this.
I’ve loved you like I never thought I could ever love,
You are the kind of man I’ve been dreaming of.
So go, go, go, but in peace. Go in peace.

thank you captain obvious!

someone just called me to tell me they were mad at me- sad part is they had every right to be. oh and i have no money and i feel like a failure after one of my friends posted on my fb that i shouldn't have been so weak and given into sexual desire. thank you captain obvious! one of my friends the other day also mentioned how i can't commit to a relationship and again in my head i was like, "thank you captain obvious!" i know my shortcomings, reminding me of them in a mean nasty, condescending way does not help, just makes me feel like shit.
i just suck all around. so, in short, i'm just gonna hide. gonna run away and hide from all of it cuz i feel so, so, shitty. i fuck everything up. sorry for the bad language but well, i'm on a roll might as well roll with it!
i hate when i do things that just, are wrong. i hurt people i make bad choices, i dunno what to tell everyone. please just leave me alone. if you have something negative to say, say it to someone who has thicker skin.
i'm not saying anyone is wrong for saying what they're saying, just, gimme a week or two ok? i kinda feel like i can't redeem myself in any which way right now. you telling me how i've failed here and there and everywhere just makes me wanna run away and become a stripper and make some REAL money. (that was a joke, please laugh)
Thankfully I do have a couple friends, REAL FRIENDS, who know how to tell me when i'm messing up without completely tearing me to shreds. Chels, Joanna, Katelyn, I LOVE YOU. Thanks for loving me even when i am so, yeah you get the idea.
 i'm only human, a fucked up one at that. so if you've noticed how weak, stupid, selfish and just plain WRONG i have been lately- congratulations, the rest of the population noticed as well. here's your gold star for being better than me, now please, leave me alone.
There are a few people who have a right to be angry with me, to yell at me, scold me, or simply say, "Hey, i'm mad at you and this is the reason why." Leave it to THOSE people, i don't need any extras. Thanks. *big angry mean face* Hahaha... but seriously only gonna post on here for school, taking a break from fb too... posting this blog on there to say farewell for awhile. ttyl

regret.. cant sleep so i'm blogging

i can't sleep. my pillow smells like him. i want him back... i don't want it to end like THIS me feeling hurt and angry and feeling like we did each other so wrong. i fill my pillow with tears and just wanna kick and scream and tell myself this was all wrong. it ended so wrong. it shouldn't have ended like that, not like that.
i shouldn't have posted about him on here at all. i'm just too honest with these things. i think he's mad at me.
i know if i'm gonna put God first i have to let J go, but all my heart wants to do is to cling onto him. it's easier NOT to have sex with random men when there's this awesome man who (in spite of his imperfections) loves God, constantly saying how much he cares about you and how he doesn't see you as a slut at all. now that he's gone, i'm so scared i won't lean on God... every time i open my Bible it keeps saying how God is the strength of His people. they never do anything on their own, it's always Him. but i've been leaning partly on God and mostly on J. even tho i know better. i tried not to. but i was- i was leaning on a man instead of God. sigh. i suck at this. just gonna go back and cry cuz it ended so wrong. it ended so wrong. i wanna go back and erase that night. i wanna erase my heart's pain. i wanna erase the post about him, but i know what's done is done. i can't undo any of it. erasing it would just, not change anything at all. although i wish it would. i wish it would erase that night and all these feelings i have all over the place now. idk what else to say. idk who to text, who to call... just keep reading through psalms and crying and feeling defeated and angry and yet, i know God loves me. God still loves me. why on earth would He still love me? i am so baffled.

God save me

I have this weight on my chest,
It's there even when I rest.
Even in my dreams I'm praying, "God I'm weak."
I don't even know how to speak.
It's be a crazy, wild ride,
Yet You've always been by my side.
You recaptured my heart,
Said you set me apart.

What do You wanna do?
What do You wanna do with this little life of mine?
You say, "let your light shine"
But God I feel so dim,
I feel so grim,
Feel the darkness closing in.

God save me, from myself,
And everything else,
That keeps clamouring and yammering,
At me, to not do what Ya called me to,
Which is simply to follow You.

There's this pounding, this ringing sounding,
In my ears,
Floodgate opens, full of tears,
This pressure, this all encompasing pressing,
Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just stressing.

God save me from myself,
And everything else,
That keeps slipping, and tripping,
Me up, so I can't get my footing straight,
You told me to patiently wait,
For You, to do what You're gonna do.
Lord do what You wanna do, with me.

This one's for the teacher

This is for my class assignment, I have to write at least three sentences about my computer class.
I'm excited about class because I did tech support on computers at my previous job and loved it. I am also looking forward to learning how to use excel, I've never used it before and I know it'll be really useful. So far this class seems like it's gonna be a ton of fun- oh and my teacher is the husband of my advisor. My old friend Holly is in the same class, I haven't seen her in 6 years I think. Crazy how life works.
That's it for this post, like I said, this one's for the teacher.

All men are liars

You think you've found the one... he's everything you've dreamed of. You meet his parents, he meets yours. You talk about God together, he says he thinks he could even maybe marry you if things kept going the way they were.

Then it blows up in your face.
When it blows up you don't know what to say. You get angry- your mouth stays shut and tears fall. You keep your mouth shut 'cause if you say what's really on your mind you know he'd crumble, he'd cry, he'd cry like you're gonna cry tonight as you try to sleep- as he passes out across town without a care in the world. He got what he wanted.

All men are liars. Or at least the majority of them are. I'd rather be with a sinner that admits he's a sinner than a man who says he obeys God and then turns around and acts like every other wretch out there... oh and then leaves you to cry yourself to sleep. Piece of work.

I don't wanna be friends. I don't wanna talk to him. I want to forget this ever happened. I wanna be numb. I wanna scream at the heavens and ask God why He would put such a fucked up person in my life. How on earth did this better me? What was it all for? Yeah we talked and he says he cares. Words are just words. Actions speak louder.

He says he's different than all those other guys. How? Show me how. Stop SAYING you're sorry. Stop SAYING you follow God. SHOW ME.

Sigh. Why can't I say this to his face? Why can't I look him in the eye and tell him he should feel guilty. That he did use me. That he acted like every other *insert bad word of your choice here* that i've ever been with. I know he didn't mean it to be that way but that is what he did. Whatever his intentions were, that's what his actions were. I am angry, and so, so disappointed. Not just in him, but in myself for believing if I slept with him he'd stay with me. For letting myself go back to that instead of trusting God. I did it my way instead of His. God, may my life show how sorry I am for that. This is not gonna be easy, I've been doing things my way for so long... sigh. Pray for me, I am so weak and this just totally makes me feel defeated.