Bubble Bath Anyone?

After a long, miserable, stressful, frustrating day- car needing coolant, car dying as it idled, stupid, crazy traffic at school- i took a beautiful bubble bath. Dominic was sound asleep and my internet crapped out on me; so I poured a large sum of the rose scented bubble bath my sister gave me into a hot steamy bath.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I seriously need to do that more often.

Idk what it was about today, maybe it's cuz it was my first day back at school, but it was really hard for me to keep everything in perspective. Like, remembering that i have a Husband and this world is not my home- i've been trying to get things i need with my tax return money, like garbage bags, tupperware, sponges, etc. Well it feels like as soon as I get home i remember something i should've bought like, deodorant, (i'm a stinky girl! ) body wash, cooking sherry... ugh. Then when I got to psychology I realized I grabbed the wrong book- I'd bought the one for the sad psychology class and i'm taking the happy psychology class- went to try and return it in between classes, took one look at the lines and decided to head to class. WELL! Bad friggin idea!! I was STUCK in that &;$^#^$#$@#!*$% parking lot for 20 minutes! Not okay, not okay at all. Sigh.

I need to (as my math teacher Kellyn would say), "stay frosty" Ya know... "stay cool"  hahaha! not THAT kinda cool, but seriously- sometimes i wish there was this little "emotion button" that i could flip off certain emotions when they became too strong for me. Like when I feel like I'm about to explode with anger *ding* turn anger off! Or when I become infatuated with some poor unkowing young man to the point of stalking *ding* turn infatuation/obsessiveness off! Yeah, that would be lovely.

Sometimes I don't even stop to pray like I ought, even though I know the days are evil, I know that Satan walks about seeking whom he may destroy, I know that Jesus could come back at a moment's notice. Will He come in clouds of glory as I'm flipping someone off in the COCC parking lot? Sheesh... how completely embarrassing. (I didn't do that tho, WANTED TO, but didn't). In my quiet times I'm reading in Mark and I'm nearing the end, right as Judas betrays Jesus.

People are so mean to Judas- don't they understand we are all like him? At one point or another you betrayed Jesus. None is good, no not one. It's by His mercy we receive forgiveness and by His grace we receive power to overcome the desire to flip off stupid people in the COCC parking lot. We have overcome a whole lot more than just that, but we also have the power to overcome the little things, if we would but stop looking at the world through our narrow perspective and see it as Jesus sees it. It's nothing more than a choice. I can say that because I struggle with anger and I know its root.

When I'm angry, it's not like I've been caught off guard by this sudden rush of emotion- it's because little by little i tell myself I am justified in my anger, and the more tiny pieces of anger i justify, the angrier I become, like fuel to a fire. Every time I accept anger and agree that I should be angry, I sin. The only reason I am overcome by anger is because I have been too self righteous to admit that I've no right to hold any anger or unforgiveness towards anyone- not even the mail lady who almost mowed us down yesterday.  Seriously though, I hope that my actions constantly reflect the character of Christ. I love Him, I just wish He'd hurry up and come. Even so, come Lord Jesus.

a "gossip blog" as Kelly would say

Dude... I'm gonna write a whole blog full of "Kelly quotes"... it would be an amazing blog!

Since Kelly wanted a "gossip blog" i will try to live up to that, i've been trying to not gossip, so it'll be interesting...

I have seen the infamous "Jason" like... five thousand times the last week while driving- and every time I wanna flip him off.  I have yet to do that- that or ram his stupid white jeep.

I haven't yet, aren't all of you so proud?

Ahem- am trying to get over it, trying to get passed the anger and hurt- I think I forgive him a little bit more each day, but, it's difficult when i know he's out asking other girls to marry him without any real intentions to marry any one of them. Would greatly love to show up at his door and tell him what I think of him.  But honestly, what good would that do?

Idk... maybe that's why my panties keep gettin in a bunch- it seems as soon as I've got peace and am all happy- i see him. Ugh. Stupid Jason.

I haven't written a "gossip blog" or as I call them a, "what's really going on in my crazy little head blog" because usually i hide things... like this. Nobody wants to hear about Jason anymore... but it still gets to me every once in a blue moon. I just have to not let it you know?
I still wear the sweater he gave me, and when I hear our songs by Pink, I get choked up and cry. I loved him. I think I still love him. Sigh. Stupid damn emotions. I know I'll overcome them by Jesus- but, I'll save that for another "serious Jesus blog"

School started up this week, i have 3 classes tomorrow. I'll be in class from 12pm-7:30pm. WOO! Aren't you excited? I know I am! Got all my books today, Dominic came with me. It was fun. We ran all over town today spending little fragments of my tax return. Like, $30 here and there... Thankfully I'm a smart cookie and I balance my checkbook every day.

I also have started cutting crap out of my diet and working out a bit, then i found out i'm smaller now than before I got pregnant, I'm sorry but it's so darn exciting that I lost that weight, I had to post it!!

Keep feeling this obscure pressure to go be "outdoorsy" and to get a job.

I'd love to do both of those things but there's this little thing called a Dominic- I would rather spend my time with him than making "spending cash" at some job or spending time on some silly little hobby. I wanna use all the free time I have to raise my son- SO BITE ME! Hmm... ok maybe not the best night to ask for me to write a "gossip blog". I'm in a foul disposition.  Maybe someday I'll find a dude who likes a chick with tattoos, hot pink hair, (oh yeah, i'm doin it again, nuh, nuh, nuh, nah, nuh, can't stop me!) piercings (oh yeah... that too!!) tattoo(s) and a beautiful little boy who doesn't have a daddy- oh and who also happens to be sold out for Jesus.

Ok it may take me awhile to find that dude!! Why bother lookin? Hahaha! Besides, I already have a man, and he is WAAAAY more beautiful than any others out there.

a "serious Jesus blog" as Kelly would say

i'm not perfect

i'm so far from grasping what reality is and why we've been placed on this earth

i just know that Jesus loves me

it's like i'm fighting for my life lately. nothing makes sense and it's like i'm being bombarded with desires that cannot be fulfilled and feelings that pull me here and there and everywhere making me scream, "STOP!"

"leave me be!"

let me rest in the arms of my Love! oh fretful, faithless, wandering heart, why are you so quick to anger? so slow to forgive? why do you flee to feeble, fickle, fastidious, flirtatious men?

you silly paranoid, obsessive, irrational little girl... chill the fuck out.

stop puttin your hope in men! they will always fail you. even if you were lucky enough to find someone willing to be your husband-

HE WILL FAIL YOU because he is only a man,

and you, my dear silly thing, YOU WILL FAIL HIM.

who am i to even think about a man?

what do i have to offer someone?

let me look to the One who doesn't need me to be perfect

Jesus, let me rest in your bosom, draw me so close that this whole world fades in Your brightness

and if I am in that glorious light of my Love, my Husband, how can I not be changed?

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Six months ago, I was a completely different person. I don't even wanna look back because “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14


If i looked into the eyes of myself six months ago, i would've seen no glimmer of hope for friendships with the warm, wonderful women and men who surround me now.

One of my oldest friends is in town, and I never thought he and I would be friends again. I remember when he was here, 3 years ago, I was just starting to slide into the dark abyss, and I could not bear to be around him or anyone godly. It was like this terrible pain, this weight of guilt and shame.

Now I walk with this lightness and joy because I've been FORGIVEN I'm cleansed in the blood of JESUS! I just, I dunno ever since I decided to be happy and rest in the arms of Jesus and trust Him to be my Husband and the Father of my son, there has been this overwhelming peace enveloping my heart. When I talk to people about it I am like my Grandpa Web, I get choked up because, the fact that God saw fit to stoop down and touch my heart and set me free- astonishes me.

I don't bother looking at the past, or thinking about all the guys, drugs, etc., why? Why? Heh, I dunno. I seriously look at the last three years and wonder, "Who was that girl that lived that life? That isn't me."

When we went out talking to people about Jesus, I kept makin Austin stop so we could pray, because, well, no words that one person spoke to me changed my heart. Nope. Not enough good ol' Jason. There was a distinct moment in my car when I was stopped at a red light and it was like God literally turned my heart around, saying, "I blessed you when you didn't do anything to deserve it because I LOVE YOU." For some reason, instead of that just bouncing off the inside of my cranium, it resounded in my heart so loudly that I began to walk towards Him and have completely stopped looking back. I will tell of the mercies of the Lord forever! The closer I get to Him the less I even care about money or marriage- when i die all my worldly possesion will be gone and I will only have One Husband. Why spend so much time then worrying about that other stuff if I don't have to? I'll worry about the necessity because of my son, the necessity of getting enough money to support him, but beyond that, i don't want a bunch of money, if i had it i'd just give it away.

Six months ago, I was miserable and stressed, now with each passing day i find this peace and contentment flowing through my veins and into my heart. Jesus is so merciful. I love that He is my Love- He's the best.

Give me Your Eyes

I know you are all gonna stick me into the "Bible Thumper Bin" and label me a "Goner for God". I um, went out down town with some people who love Jesus and started talking to random people about Him.

You see, I'm not doin it cuz i think i'm right- i'm doing it cuz i know He loves these people enough that He bled out on the cross and died for their sin and how can people hear without a preacher?

I just wanna see people the way Jesus does, and if people think I'm "Looney for the Lord" well, so be it. I can handle that. Jesus touched my heart and turned my life around, if I can pray for some people and tell them what He did, maybe they'll start to feel Him touch their hearts. That's all that I want.

Let me introduce you to my husband!!

my Husband, formed me in my mother's womb.

my Husband, called me, knew me, before the world began.

my Husband, looked at me in all my sin, every thought, ever action, and stretched out His hand to receive the nail that should have pierced my hand, the death i deserved, He died

my Husband descended down to hell, where i should have gone, and did what I could not have done.

my Husband took captivity captive, my Husband redeemed me.


After what I wrote last night, I wanted to read some in the Word and pray, but my regular Bible was in my car. I looked up at the stereo and saw my compact Bible and grabbed it. It flipped open to where I had last left off reading... 3 or so years ago... in Isaiah 54.

Now, I usually write big long blogs, but this time, I can't even come close to saying what my Husband, has already said:

"Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

"For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.

"For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.


"For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.


"In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD thy Redeemer.
"For this is as the waters of Noah unto me: for as I have sworn that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth; so have I sworn that I would not be wroth with thee, nor rebuke thee." (Is. 54:4-9 KJV)

Whenever I see a rainbow, I'll remember this promise. God spoke so clearly to me last night to look at the rainbow and when I see it remember that He has promised to not be wroth (furiously angry) with me anymore, nor will He turn me away from Himself anymore. I am so afraid that I'll wake up and be the old Mary again- so afraid i'll slip back into the bed of shame and terror... so when I read this, God pressed on my heart that He has redeemed me and is not ever going to let me go back to where I came from. And I cried like a baby.

"For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee.

"O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.
"And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones." (Is. 54:10-12)

To be called beautiful, by the God of the universe, for Him to look down on me and see how distressed I have been and to tell me He will build my foundation in beauty... it just takes my breath away.

"And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children." (Is. 54:13)

The last few nights I'd been praying God would cover Dominic with His Spirit and bless him and always be with him. When I read this verse it was like God was literally whispering it into my ear that He is the One teaching my son, He is his Father and has given him great peace.

"In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.


"Behold, they shall surely gather together, but not by me: whosoever shall gather together against thee shall fall for thy sake.


"Behold, I have created the smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the waster to destroy.


"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." (Is 54:14-17)

I could not keep myself from weeping even as I wrote this out again.

It's like Jesus is saying, "Mary, I am your Husband. Look to Me. I love you. Listen to my promises, they are true! Look at the rainbow and be assured that I am not angry with you anymore. For a brief moment I hid My face from you, but I have drawn you back with EVERLASTING LOVE because you are Mine. Don't be afraid of the devil so much, because I created the "waster to destroy", he listens to Me and cannot do anything except I allow it. All those who judge you can be condemned, because your righteousness is of Me."

He isn't just my Husband though- He's your Husband too. He loves you so much... look at the rainbow, His mercies are new every morning.

sinking!!!

there are days... when i am so close to Jesus that I know if He asked me to come out of the boat onto the water I would go.

today, well today is not one of those days.

tonight, i am crying and eating cookies. cuz i'm so frustrated.

i'm not good at keeping secrets, or being something i'm not.

this is me:

open.

honest.

crazy.

loving.

real.

i'm not perfect tho. i'm obsessive, i'm bitchy at moments, i'm selfish- the list goes on...

i am loved perfectly. which is good, cuz i'm sinking and if Jesus didn't love me, He'd stand there on the waves, and watch me sinking and say, "Sheesh Mary, why didn't you trust Me?" And walk away.

NO! He's here, sitting beside me as i munch on milano cookies and tell Him that tonight, I'm frustrated. I'm thankful He's here, that He loves me enough to listen to my selfish complaints.
He doesn't say, "You don't have a husband because you're not loveable."
Whoa, whoa... no that'd be the devil...
Jesus says, "Mary, you don't have a husband because every man out there, no matter how good and how holy- will fail you. Let Me be your Husband, I will never fail you. I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Ok, this is a huge struggle for me, (all of you honest single people can raise your hand if it's you too...) BUT i know when we die we aren't given in marriage, there's no men or womenn- we are glorious spiritual beings who are the Bride of Christ.
Frankly, i'm kinda relieved. I'd like a break from this!

My truest fantasy... is to rest with Jesus in the bottom of the boat while the storm is raging. Just be there with Him and to know He can rebuke all those waves, and He loves me so much He'll let me rest there with him.
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.
"Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6,7
 
Instead of worrying, I need to constantly thank my sweet Jesus for how much He loves me and all that He saved me from.
 
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Phil. 4:8
 
I may be sinking... but Jesus is standing right there and when I cry out, "Lord, save me!" He reaches out His hand and mercifully pulls me out of the water. Thank You Jesus, for pulling me out of many waters and not letting me drown.

"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters." Psalm 18:16

Love

Ok, to read more on how God loves us, check out Katelyn's most recent blog: Love, love and more love

It was cool to read this before posting what God has laid on my heart. He has loved me with this big, huge, amazing, intimate, detailed, beautiful love. Who am I to hoard it to myself?

Before I walked away from God, when I was younger, before I'd ever done anything horrendous, I remember almost getting this sense that the "lost" were my enemies. We preached at them, to them- God really pressed this on my heart- that isn't ever what He did. This huge burden is constraining me to write this... for how compassionate He was to those lost sheep! Remember how He fed them? How much He wanted them to have their eyes opened, their ears opened and their hearts softened!

Besides that, wasn't it just a few months ago that I was so lost, confused, deaf and blind, that I could not even look up to Him, could not say that I love myself, could not speak His name, or walk in righteousness? Now, by His great love with which He has loved us, He had compassion; He reached down and touched my heart.

"And when I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw everyone to myself." (John 12:32 NLT)

Jesus didn't die for a few select "lucky" people and everyone else around us, those icky "lost people" are damned to hell. NO! If you have ever for a moment let that thought into your head or heart, it's a lie. We have been COMMANDED to go and preach to everyone, because, He loves them just as much as He loves us- if not MORE! Preaching, sharing the gospel, talking about Jesus non-stop. It makes people uncomfortable. It isn't popular. I refuse let my light be dimmed in this dark world. I refuse to give the enemy a foothold by shutting up the light God has told me to let shine.

God has had compassion on me, my name is written in the Lamb's book of life- how can I not obey Him when He says, "Mary, go tell others the word I have given you. Follow me. Feed my sheep." How can I contest the word of the only One who has ever loved me perfectly?
I am constrained by love to simply say, "Yes Lord, I'll feed your sheep."

Who are His sheep? What of those who He has called, but have not yet heard?
What if it's our job to speak His word into their life? I would never have come back to my blessed Savior if they weren't people speaking His words into my life- even when I practically spat in their faces, God used those words to penetrate my soul.

Get ready for spit in your face, for profanities to be yelled at you- You follow Jesus- He was hung naked on a cross and those that follow Him have been called to lay down their lives. He promised persecution. Just don't forget that He loves you. So deeply, so passionately, that He went to hell for you and conquered death! So when He calls you to persecution, know that it isn't even worthy to be taken into account. He is worthy of your life.
I love Him so much I would follow Him wherever He calls, no matter the cost- Because HE LOVES ME so much more.

This is hard to explain, hard to write about, but it's true.

Reality- is this really real?

I've been asked to lay down my life, to pick up my cross, and follow Him. To walk out on the raging waves on the night sea and keep my eyes on Jesus so that I don't sink.
This stuff is easy to talk about, think about, but i'm not saying that's what God is calling us to do. He doesn't want us to sit around on our butts and talk about picking up the cross, loving nobody more than Him and doing whatever He tells us to. Not because He's mean, but because He is worthy. HE IS WORTHY of my life. When I become afraid at night, thinking that demons are surrounding me to tear me apart, I remember how Jesus fell asleep during a storm. His disciples were FREAKING OUT kinda like I do sometimes at night... Jesus was astonished at their lack of faith and rebuked the waves. Rebuked waves. Ok, pause. "Selah", is how the psalms puts it; stop what you're doing and think about that. Jesus rebuked waves.
Do you believe it? Do you believe you have power to tread on poisonous snakes? To rebuke demons? To move mountains? To walk on crashing waves? To lay hands on the sick and heal them? This is a reality, and yes, it's really real.
Let's see what Jesus said about it.
"And Jesus said unto them, 'I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven.
"Behold I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpians , and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing shall by any means hurt you.
"Not with standing in this rejoice not, that the spirits are subject unto you; but rather rejoice that your names are written in heaven.'" John 10:18-20
If we believe that our names are WRITTEN IN HEAVEN why are we living like we're going through hell? I often moan and complain and gossip and gripe- whyyyyyyy am I even dwelling on those things? What about my eternal purpose? Jesus stood for me, rebuked Satan to his face for my sake, (and yours) so why am I not doing something in return? Should I not be OVERWHELMED with love for my Savior? Should I not be constrained by compassion to reach out to those who have been blinded by Satan? Should my heart not leap for joy at the voice of my God and Redeemer calling me to lay down my life, pick up my cross and follow Him? To think that He would love me enough to call me; why am I scared and apprehensive to follow the only One who has ever loved me perfectly?
In simpler words, God has loosed my chains; how selfish of me to not tell the other captives that those chains they're wearing have been broken by a God who loves them deeply and passionately.
It's easy to get caught up in the mundane day-to-day tasks of household chores, work and or school... God is challenging my heart to put those things second to the call He has placed on my life. After all, He is worthy.

It is finished

I really, really, REALLY wanna complain about life and how lonely i get sometimes and hard it is to wait on God and how I don't even wanna go to church anymore cuz it seems like drama follows me- which is probably my own damn fault. *sigh* like my past, it feels like everywhere i go my past is there staring me in the face. I know I need to grab it by the horns stare it back in the face and say, "You are in the past, you cannot change me, you cannot control me, God has washed you away, BE GONE!" Instead it goes more like this:
Past stares me in the face, bitch slaps me,  spits me in the eye and says, "Just when you think you're satisfied, I will be there, haunting you. My affects are always going linger, no matter what you do I'll be here. I will be here to remind you of all the evil, horrible things you've done." I try to shut his mouth, to scream out that my sins are at the bottom of the ocean but i can't seem to stop him, "All the things I'm saying, they're not ideas or concepts, they're facts. These things happened. Things that you willingly, GLEEFULLY threw yourself into- body, mind and soul..."
About this time my hands drop from grabbing his horns... down to my side. My head is bowed and Past begins to throw things at me. Memories that I have tried to black out- things I've begged for forgiveness for- even though I know I'm forgiven...
I feel the stones of shame smacking my face, my skin splitting, blood starting to drip from fresh wounds that i thought were healed, tears fall. The stones aren't little pebbles now, they are getting bigger. Past is showing his true colors, this demon haunting me, thrusting boulders at me, breaking bones, trying to kill me... beaten by my own sin, I whisper one word, "Jesus..."

I hear a  sharp sound, a terrible, frightening screeching.
I look up with my bloodied face, laying on the ground weeping over my sin- to see Jesus, standing, guarding me. Past is the one screeching in terror at the presence of the Alpha and Omega.
I hear Him speak to Past, "Be gone. She is MINE. You have no right to accuse her, she is covered by My blood." The fire in His eyes burns fiercly as I hear the curtling voice of Past, begging for mercy as he flees His presence.
My eyes blink back tears in awe... how could He even want to be here? Doesn't He see all these things Past threw at me? They are real, they are true... they HAPPENED! I see their affects every single DAY... How on earth could He be here??? I keep silent, scared He'll see me, scared He'll see my sin... AGAIN, for the millionth time. It's not new stuff, it's the old stuff, stuff that Past won't let me forget. I keep forgetting Jesus doesn't see it.
"Once for all." He says, as He kneels down and picks me up, a pile of broken bones, bloodied and bruised body and soul. He whispers in my ear as He brushes my hair out of my face with those beautiful scarred hands. That touch, the touch that loosed the tounges of the dumb, opened the deaf ear to sound, brought the dead back to life. With one little touch all those bleeding wounds heal, the scars are there, but His healing touch is working something new in me.
He runs His fingers through my hair; I know He's counting each little hair... how He does it, I don't know. I begin to think to myself,
'Why didn't I call on Him earlier? Sigh. It doesn't matter, He's here, that is all that matters. He was just waiting for me to let Him come in and kick Past's butt. I always think I can do these things on my own...'
Tears fall afresh, knowing my thoughts, He pulls me even closer and this time He whispers in my ear so softly I can barely make out the words- but He didn't even have to say them, I already knew what He was going to say. My heart already heard His voice, my soul was purchased by His blood 2000 years ago, and Past, you can knock it off, because I know that HIS WORD is TRUTH  and HIS WORDS are LIFE.
Like a cool spring breeze, with life on its wings I hear the words He whispered to me,

"It is finished."

It really worked!!!

So... I've been taking psychology classes and listening to differenting parenting advice from nurses, and all moms seem to have this "before bedtime routine". I had never really had a routine for dominic i just threw him in bed once it got close to midnight, shut the door and cried. Bein honest here... I really suck at this whole mom thing sometimes.
Over the past two weeks tho, I've been tryin really hard to pay attention to when he takes naps, eats, and goes to bed. I've also been trying this little "before bedtime routine" of brushing our teeth, reading a book and having a bottle (when we break the bottle we will go to a sippy cup of water and a book). Well, I realized Dominic was taking naps at like 5pm and thus staying up til 12pm... today I made him wait til almost two for his "early" nap and cut out his "evening" nap. i've done this before and still struggled to get him to sleep.  Tonight however, i had my secret weapon!  the "before bedtime routine". Quite happy to say he is asleep. Right now. Before 9pm!!! I'm in shock!  I'm so excited... I don't even know what to do with myself!


Gonna go to my sister's church tomorrow, I like how small it is, they split it up into two services. At TFAB I kinda ended up feeling lost if Chels and Naomi weren't there, I can tell that if I go to Mission it won't be that way. Also, I really wanna get involved in the church I attend, and I tried with TFAB but it was so complicated, someone from the church had to invite me to a site and i asked them to and they didn't... so I can't help out... which is frustrating. I could keep going and be persistent, or I could go to Mission and see if I can get involved there. That, and I like my sister Katie- I kinda miss bein around her. Been thinking about it I dunno, I guess I should pray about it.
Ok, I'm gonna go to sleep now-  oh man, goin to sleep before 9pm... wow, I feel old. Haha, oh well.  Don't forget to Spring Forward everybody!! Love all y'all!

(^ just made me giggle!!! hehehe! bouncy pirate!!)

Chill Out!! Wait, God said that?

So... keeping in mind that i'm a human and am not perfectly "chillled out" this is what God has been putting on my heart.
"The Lord upholds all that fall, and raises up all those that be bowed down.
"The eyes of all wait upon You; and You givest them their meat in due season.
"You openest Your hand, and satisfy the desire of every living thing." (Psalm 145:14-16 KJV)
I've been writing this song about rain and how if God gives the earth rain when she's thirsty, how much more will He give me drink when I'm thirsty? Just this kinda concept of looking to Him expectently, waiting for Him to open His hand, because I know He will satisfy me.
At Bible study last night we read through 1st Cor. 7 and what I got out of it was God (and Paul) was basically telling everyone to chill out and be satisfied with where He has them at that moment.
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done".(Phil. 4:6 NLT)
"But godliness with contentment is great gain.
"For we broguht nothing into the world and it is certain we can carry nothing out." (1st Tim. 6:6-7 KJV)
"Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called." (1st Cor. 7:20 KJV)
It felt like God was saying to me, "Mary, chill out, be satisfied with being a single mom, with having what material things you have, look to me, I'll provide, just be content, I love you."
Does that make any sense? I could keep going about how He's been telling me He loves me so deeply and wants to be intimately close with me- which BLOWS my mind away- but Dominic and I have a WIC appointment so I gotta go. Love you all!!

i like the rain

Ok, snow, you can go, blinding sun, i'm done! Rain, rain, swoosh down my drain, fresh drops from the sky, fall from up high, splashing my smiling face. I like the rain.
Didn't mean for that be poetic, but it's raining outside and some of my favorite times were when it was raining. Like a million years ago (ok it was only like 7) when Katelyn and I rolled down the hill at the Memorial Day conference in the rain, getting soaked in mud and rain water. AWESOME!

Now it's time for.... Guess what Mary did!!!!
When planning the time to do my taxes at the Senior Center for free, I picked a lovely date. March 15th, at a lovely time, 10am. This I just now realized, is the same date and time of my math final. *Cheers wildly* GO ME!!! Hahaha... now that I have my W2 forms tho, I can at least call around and know that I can get my taxes done whenever. Woot, woot! Pray I can find someplace soon, I really need this little chunk of cash.

Today I've gotta catch up on my math homework, gotta beg my dad to watch Dominic for extra long so I can get all 5 assignments I missed while I was sick, done. Whew. I think that was a run on sentence.

Tonight I'm gettin together with Betty and Sandy for prayer- which I'm looking forward to. I've felt distant from Jesus. When I first came back to Jesus I felt so close and happy and excited, now there's like, something keeping me from bein as close to Him as I was then. I don't know what it is, but I miss being close to Jesus. i pray, read my Bible, oops, actually, it's been awhile since i've done that- maybe that's it! Hmmmm- ok well I'm gonna go read my Bible now that I remembered.

This is a short window into a crazy woman's mind, excuse the detours, but enjoy the scenic route! Love you all.

My dad rocks- even if he's not perfect

Right now, in my little life, I've been making a pretty huge change. Out with the bad, in with the good! in every way, shape and form. With that comes removing myself from bad friendships and reconnecting with my good friends. However, I'm not close to any of my "new" good friends... even though I've known them for years. Sometimes I just want someone who understands me, will take my side and tell me I'm making better choices now and if I mess up, to just keep moving in the RIGHT direction. WELL- I guess that's what dads are for, if you're lucky enough.
My dad is far from perfect, very far. However... he loves me a whole friggin lot. I've noticed this new pattern in my life and, i'm kinda happy about it. When I get upset, hurt, angry, frustrated or depressed, instead of turning to a guy to console me (like i used to do Before Christ) I go to my dad. He lets me vent, tells me I'm doing way better than I have been in a long time and i dunno... I feel good by the time I leave. No, no... I feel LOVED by the time I leave. Sure, he has his issues- but then again, I've got mine. I'm just glad when I feel like I have nobody, that I remember my dad and he's always there for me. I know I need to learn to lean on God and all that good stuff- but let's cut the bull crap. When you just bumped into your ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend and she is pregnant by one of your best guy friends that you used to mess around with........... well, sometimes you just need someone to scream to and say, "I HATE THIS!!!!" Then you realize you're moving on from that old life and you can just keep moving on- does that make any sense, or am I just rambling? Ok I'm just rambling!!! I love you all, and if you are blessed enough to have a dad who LOVES YOU in spite of all of his short comings, tell him you love him. He may need to hear it more than you realize. Night everybody!!

Get real!

Ok... so, what do you spend the majority of your time thinking about? Not like, "important" things like bills, I mean your hopes and dreams and wishes... for me, it's a husband, a house, a family. Late last night tho, while I was praying and talking to Jesus I realized something- I've grown distant from Jesus. I bet if I spent as much working on my relationship with Jesus as I do thinking and dreaming about men and my future, I'd be so close to Jesus that I wouldn't worry so much about my future. That and I also got convicted about how I talk. When I spend my time talking shit about other people- who does it help? I don't care if it's just "discussing their doctrinal view" it's a waste of time! When I bad mouth my brothers and sisters in Christ- it's a shame! If I spent all the time I spent gossipping and bad mouthing people to encourage, build up and pray for people- how much more would God be glorified! Isn't that what we as followers of Jesus supposed to do? Build up, love, encourage, exhort, teach... LOVE ON others. That's what God wants me to do... not spend hours picking apart others, even if what i'm saying is true, how does it help anybody when I fill my mouth with those unloving things? God is calling us to do two very powerful, two very simple things.
1. LOVE HIM
2. LOVE OUR NEIGHBOR AS OURSELF
I don't want anyone judging my walk with God behind my back, I don't want people picking me apart when I'm not even there to defend myself, I don't want people guessing at my life and making assumptions... So who am I to do that to ANYONE?
Ok, just to point out, I'm not picking on anyone, this is something God showed me that I was doing and told me to stop and replace it with something good. I wanna spend my thoughts on Him and my time loving people.
Just some thoughts... still gettin over this cold but dying for some fellowship, may go to Bible study if "grandpa" watches Dominic for me. *crosses fingers*
Love you all!!