All the lonely people...

Ugh. I hate being such a stupid ambivalent person. I know that Dane didn't do anything wrong, was totally sweet and wonderful and yet, I had no peace about being with him. Now that he isn't here rubbing my shoulders and playing with me and Dominic... I feel really lonely. It was only from like, Fri to yesterday... or today really... this morning. I called him. I told him we should just be friends cuz no matter how much I keep trying to convince myself he's a good guy and i should be with him, I just, can't be.

I think I'm better off single... except that I read this article about loneliness and people... i'm in for some serious health issues. Haha... Apparently lonely people are more likely to die young.
Of course... I'm not really lonely, (thank you Kelly for pointing that out) but i feel that way every now and then. Especially after having this super sweet guy... argh. I know I made the right choice, I felt like I was just using him to get amazing back massages and someone to help me out with Dominic. Sigh.

Now I'm single, again. I guess I never really wasn't but I like to think that for a little while I was special to someone. He wasn't even mad when I said we should just be friend because I know I'm just gonna keep being ambivalent which isn't fair to him. Ok i'm gonna go eat cuz i'm starving. Yay for being single til i die!!!! Lol. Oh well, I have AWESOME FRIENDS (that'd be you gorgeous people reading this) and my beautiful little son.

craaaaaaaazy weekend... wow.

I don't think i've had a weekend like this one in a loooooooong time and i don't know how to feel about all of it. Stayed over at a friends house Friday night... we all were havin some drinks and chilling and man... I don't know. She'd been tryin to set me up with one of her friends for awhile and I decided to give him a shot. He is very sweet and very funny, very good with all of the kids there and makes me feel awesome.  Sadly, it only lasted the weekend... and I just don't know how to feel about it. Don't really wanna go into details about any of it... cuz i don't know how to feel.

Stayed home from church yesterday and did laundry all day, hung out with my dad for the first time in what felt like centuries. I think Dominic was happy to hang out with his grandpa and play in what little sunshine there was yesterday. We made lunch and chatted... the house feels so empty. I wish i wasn't such a girl, sometimes I catch myself getting all teary eyed when I see stuff missing. Think I'm just gonna stay home... hahahaha... like i have a choice. Already feel lonely.

On a much brighter note... Thanks to Shannon, Dan and Naomi, I have babysitters for while I'm in school!! This is a huge relief... People I love and trust taking care of my most important baby boy. It's gonna make finals do-able.  After finals I'm gonna get rid of the pink and job-hunt like crazy... you guys have all been so supportive not just in word, but in deed and in truth and I love you all for that. I could not ask for better friends!  <- That's you guys cheering me on as I try to make it through this crazy thing we call "life". I could not have gotten this far without you.

Dominic and I have had a lovely day thus far, we're chilling, waiting for our mashed potatoes dinner to finish. Should be delicious!  Love you all, take care!

Time to get a hair cut and real job...

When life changes, it changes everything, all at once. Mom moved out of Dad's house... Dad got a job... Dad is going to be moving out... house is so empty it makes me cry.

Kelly got accepted to U of O and is moving out in August.

HUD (housing assistance) is not accepting application til January 2012

I have hot pink hair, no job, a house with rent that is over $500 (not including utilities) and I have to attend college full time summer to term to finish up my prerequisites by this time next year. Oh and i won't be getting the pell grant for spring term 2012, neat-o, huh?

I know you all are going to try and rush me to some home with roommates... Sadly Kelly has ruined me for all other roommates! Also, first thing's first. I need to get a job, oh and get a babysitter to watch Dom while I work at said job, oh and then I need to get another babysitter or convince the same babysitter to also watch Dom while I'm at school. Oh and then I have to find this magical pillow of time to do my homework. Aren't you excited for me? I know I am! Meanwhile I will have to be looking for a new apartment since there has GOT to be a cheaper and nicer two bedroom place, right? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... ahem.

The best part about all of this... I don't have time right now to look for a job, gonna just try to wait until my break in June and spend that entire time trying to find a job that will work with my college schedule and pay me enough that I can pay rent, untilities, misc bills, oh and afford diapers, gas, soap, etc.

Thank goodness Dan is watching Dominic for free at my house. I could stay in this house but i hate it here and the deposit here was $800 and I wanna be able to give Kelly her deposit back but they won't give it to me unless i move out. Yay? I'm so overwhelmed but there's not much I can really do about it except watch as the sky falls downward... WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

oh baby...

wheeeeeere do i begin?

today sucked.

yesterday was actually kinda good tho... made some steps in a good direction. it was weird because night before last i dreamt about Noah... some vague happy dream... like we were good friends... maybe dating or something lame and romantical, then yesterday while looking through my purse at Jenn's house to find something to write a list on... I found the map he'd drawn for me when I last saw him. You know, before everything got all ugly and I told him to never, ever talk to me again... yeah. about that... i have made myself the loneliest person in the world and i just... wish that people didn't suck as much as i do. but, well, we're all only human i guess. Most people don't realize how lucky they are to have FRIENDS that SPEND TIME with them... not just aquaintances who want something from you, or family who has to be there for you even tho they may not necessarily want to be... but like, people who KNOW you.

Today my mom moved out of my parents... err, i guess now it's my dad's... house... i've never known anything but that house, i've lived there my entire life. my older sister katie was born there... i know it's good for them both, i think, but, it sucks. It was rainy all day and, I'm sorry but I cannot seem to get ANYTHING productive done with Dominic hot on my heels. I usually love being with him, but for whatever reason today, it was too much for me.

He kept torturing the dog, Lilly, who is not much bigger than him. He kept tugging on her leg or putting her tail in her mouth just... not listening, got a million time outs and oh man. I wanted to go over to my parents house just so i could have someone besides a dog and a baby to talk to, but because mom was moving and dad was helping her move (which was EVEN WEIRDER) i um, had no where to go. After doing this all day, I eventually snapped. I knew it too, so I put Dominic in his bed, told him it was naughty to play in Lilly's water bowl then went into the kitchen, realized the person who'd said he was gonna hang out with me totally and i mean TOTALLY blew me off. didn't even text saying he couldn't make it, let alone a phone call. NOTHING. dude. not cool. oh and then tried calling someone and they hung up after the first ring. I understand that I'm stressed, I understand that I'm weird. But am I really so completely unpleasant to be around? Thanks guys! You suck! Anyway, so in my rush of emotion I threw my phone onto the kitchen floor and started crying. (Yes it is also almost that time of the month!) phone broke... so... don't try calling me because i broke the damn contraption.

I used to have all the coping mechanisms for stress... cigarettes, weed, alcohol, sex, boyfriends, etc. None of these things were healthy and I've cut all of them out, except alcohol... lol. Oh man guys... I wish I had people who wanted to come hang out at my boring-ass house and chase Dominic around with me, or play with him while i do homework. Granted, the last couple weeks, Dan, Trista, Naomi and Shannon all saved my butt by taking him off my hands so i could finish all my late assignments. I would also like to hang out with you guys sometime too... so I don't go crazy and break things... I cannot do this anymore. I'm about ready to get a mail order husband! Haha... anyway, I love you guys. Hope you all still love me, even when i totally lose it.

not so hot

i keep wanting to post a blog about how good i'm doin... maybe it's cuz i can't find a support group, you know. it's just me. chasin dominic. beggin dad to watch dominic so i can go to class or do homework. me texting some guy in another state desperately hoping he'll write back... i don't even care what he says as long as it isn't mean. I wish i could stop feeling desperate. I hold my head up, carry myself like i know who i am, what i want and where i'm going... but at the end of the day when all i got is facebook and netflix well, if i accidentally let myself think about it i just start crying. I don't know who i am, i don't know what i want or where i'm going... i just keep moving fast enough to keep myself from falling to pieces. I guess i figure if i keep my hands and mind occupied i'll be ok. i wish i could say more... but i'm speechless. i'm not doin so hot guys.

Lord, grant me patience, but i want it RIGHT MEOW!

When will everything make sense? When I die? Sheesh. It's all so much, sometimes I just wanna curl up and snuggle my pillow, cry and wish it all away.

My dad got a job (everybody says, "YAAAY!") i'm tryin to be happy for him, but, i don't even know where to begin with how stressed i am about finding someone to watch dominic while i'm in school and finding the money to PAY for that.

Got A's in wr 122 and math 95 (YAY) and a C in psychology (BOOO!) it's a high C, 79% so gonna do extra credit and ace the final, lol, and try to come out with a nice B, hopefully.

My math teacher finally stopped bein mean to me once he saw my grades, haha, which is kinda nice.

On top of all of this i've been hearing rumors that we won't get our pell grant money for summer term, just our loans... so i need a job now. No if ands or buts about it... start praying. Everywhere i've gone said they aren't hiring until June but that isn't too far away. Just pray i can find a job, cuz the state will pay for a babysitter while i'm working and i can use the money i make working to pay a babysitter while i'm in school. Whew. Just yeah... pray. Feel like i've given up hope in a lot of ways. At least my grades are doin good! Thanks to Naomi McDaniel and Dan and Trista... oh and my dad for watching Dominic for the passed year while i attended class. Sigh. Bittersweet indeed. Kinda like dark chocolate. Yum.

Basically I want everything to be perfect right now, and i know i need to be patient but i am so, so, so bad at it. Not giving up... takin one day at a time.

my husband's love

last night i had a rough night. i wanted to go to a movie with my Bible study group, heck i just wanted to hand my friend her present in person, but for whatever reason Dominic couldn't sleep at my parents house. Dad and Joanna texted me repeatedly until I left the study and came and got him... he fell asleep before i was even halfway home.
I was so frustrated i cried and told Kelly all about it. I love Kelly. After everyone left the house and went to the movie I went to bed. I began to have these dreams... I dreamt i was with various people from Mission church and college group Bible study, we were all praying against something. Dominic kept getting sick, then it wasn't Dominic but a 4 year old I'd adopted, this child had tattoos all over his body and I began to pray, because they hadn't been there a minute ago. Then when I started praying Dominic began to
(in my dream) get these worm infested boils that grew so huge all over his body that he began to suffocate. The others prayed against whatever was happening and i called 911, they told me to hang up; that Dom was ok. Then I woke up, not sure what I'd been praying against in my dream, so, in my half-awake state, I prayed silently for God to come protect Dominic and me. Then I heard a large crack, like a creak in the floor board in the living room and footsteps running away. it was loud enough that i woke completely up with a jump. went out to the living room, shook myself awake, took a deep breath and thought for a moment.
The night before I'd looked at these two nails on my wall, they were nails Jeff had put in the wall to hang up the painting Jason had given me. I had gotten rid of the painting and I'd told myself i should take those nails out.
For some reason I really felt like I should take them out, so i did- at 2am this morning. then i prayed and read in Hebrews 2, about how Jesus took on Himself the form of man and tasted of our death and gave us victory over the devil. i read it out loud. Then i realized something profound...
I was choosing Jesus as my Husband only when there was no physical man around to comfort me. Jesus was my "second choice" like I am/was to all of those guys. Why on earth was i choosing cheating, lying, selfish men over Jesus? I felt more than a little sheepish and also realized that Jesus has been keeping me from sinning... which is actually what the last verse in Hebrews says. Remember how I wrote about Jesus telling me HE was gonna keep me? Well... it wasn't just a reassurance, it was a prophetic word. When I wanted to go off and sin He stopped it from happening, kicked the devil's butt out, and drew me back to Himself, reminding me of how much greater His love is than all the rest.

i cannot believe how silly I've been... choosing men's "love" (more like lust) over Jesus's pure, undefiled, unrelenting, holy, never ending, agape-love! may i forever choose Him first before all others and stop seeing with eyes of the flesh, may I see things through His eyes... remembering that I am the bride of Christ, loved more intimately and infinitely than i will ever be able to fathom. Lord, be my first choice, my first and greatest Love. Amen.

His Sometimes Lady

I'm just a sometimes lady,
His sometimes baby,
Sometimes i just wish he'd marry me,
so that I could be,
his forever lady,
his always baby,
his one and only, never-ending love,
will i ever be enough?
if it had just been on man, i'd chalk up to him bein him,
but i've been thinkin...
maybe i'm just a
sometimes lady,
a sometimes baby,
maybe it just isn't enough,
will i ever have someone to hold? someone to love?
his forever lady,
his forever baby?
It's always a maybe, never staying, baby,
Comes and goes and comes and goes
And nobody knows
When he's... coming back.
I'm just his sometimes baby,
His sometimes lady...
I've tried to tell him to leave,
Told him i cannot breathe,
Yet here he comes again,
Same spirit different skin,
Tryin to tell me I'm beautiful,
That he loves me oh for sure,
But only for a little while,
With that sweet little smile,
He won't say it but I know,
He's just gonna go
Til he comes again...
Go, go, go, go away.
I've done all I can,
Said all I could say.
Go, go, go, go away.
I've done all I can,
Said all I could say...
Tears fall down my cheeks,
at the word my own lip speaks...
Will they all be like this?
So completely love-less?
I've lost hope that there is one,
made for me,
can't you see,
All the men I've known seem to have some kind of love,
Not me, i'm not enough...

Cry, cry to Jesus.
Cry, cry to Jesus.
He will love me still.
He chose to, made up His will,
to love me unto death,
with His final breath,
giving me life...
calls me His wife.
my forever Lord,
my always Savior,
my never-ending Love.

The details... as it were

This is the truth.
I'm lonely.
When I think about all the people I've cut out of my life for good I wonder if I, if I'll ever feel whole.
If I wrote a list, of all the men, and even women, I've just, blocked out of my life... do I even deserve a friend?
Saw an ex "man-friend" at fredmeyers and got the iciest glare ever... i know i deserved it too. am i really so right to be so cruel? Am I crazy? Possessive? Why did Jason tell all those girls he loved them when he had me? What was so wrong with me that he did that? Why did Mike do the same thing? Why did Noah run away... why did he come back try to steal my heart and take it and RUN when things got difficult? Am I really that bad? What's wrong with me? I'm such a horrendous sinner too... and that's prolly why i feel like this. Why is trusting Jesus to be my Husband so difficult? Why? What's wrong with me?

Monday, Monday...

If I was to be honest with all of you... like I told myself I was going to be when I started this blog, then I'd tell you I'm not doin too hot spiritually.
I wish I could blame this on someone else, or on some event but well... I can't. It's all me. I don't even wanna talk about it honestly. Kinda just wish i was perfect.
Wish I could see something happy... some good positive thing. I have Dominic... and I love him. Just, havin a hard time keepin my head above water.