Moving Forward- Not looking back

In this blog you have all seen my failures. I've been open and honest with you at my weakest points. I'm not proud of a lot of the blogs I've posted, but I know that with honesty comes healing. (James 5) Especially for me. I don't want these things hid in the dark so that I think that it's ok for me to do, feel or think certain things.
What Rachel was saying a couple of posts back in her comment is something I've been learning by experience. We have to choose things. Good or bad. We choose to let God change us. We choose to not do certain things even when we want to. When we make a choice and take a step in what we know is the right direction, I believe then God helps us to keep walking in that right choice, in essence, giving us the strength to walk on the raging waves.
I'm still sick- at my parents house right now about to sit down for some delicious dinner. God is working in my heart and I'm happy. I have seen a HUGE change in my life ever since I decided to follow Jesus again- or really, ever since He came and changed my heart. I would have never been able to do this if it hadn't been for that. I'm so thankful that it finally happened. I have so much freedom now, it's awesome.
Ok, "grampa" is kinda grumpy. Gotta go!

Teaching Math? Are you crazy?

Woke up this morning to discover I have my son's cold- sweet.  Haha. It's ok, 'cause it's giving me time to contact teachers and advisors and make dr. appointments.

I am seriously considering changing my major from nursing to becoming a math teacher.
Here are all the reasons why-
1. I LOVE MATH when I understand it
2. I love explaining an equation to someone so that they understand it and don't hate it anymore- super cool feeling
3. To be a nurse you cannot be emotionally palpable... *ahem* yeah that's NOT me
4. I haven't even been taking classes for a year yet, so it's earlier enough in that switching my major shouldn't hurt me too badly- I hope.
5. I'd have weekends off and regular hourse
6. Nurses have crazy ass hours!
I emailed all the math teachers I have to see what they think, I seriously enjoy math. Like, get excited and dance around in my seat,  excited. That and I wanted to be a teacher when I was younger- it makes me happy to help people. I spent a couple hours with a fellow student yesterday and helped her understand how to factor out equations. I went home and realized that every math class I've been in, I helped someone to understand an equation or a concept.

I'm really excited because, quite frankly, I don't wanna be nurse. I don't. I just wanted to work at the red cross and poke people, make them laugh and not feel so nervous while they were doing something awesome. I hope I can do it, switch my major. I'd be so happy if I did. Baby is up and coughing, we are going to be sick together all day today! Yay!

SO ANGRY!!! Wait... oops... oh, haha. ^_^

Have you ever gotten REALLY angry about something like oh say... an online open book test... just to find out all the answers you'd been looking for were RIGHT THERE in an article on the SAME PAGE... Haha... oh yeah,  I'm so tough. Not really.

Speaking of anger... I'm definitely not quite so full of raw emotion as I was a few days ago. Definitely accounting that to God's graciousness. Met with some women to pray and it really helped- I was able to give some stuff up and i don't hate Jason- I don't hate anyone. I'm more hurt and sad than anything.
I don't give much thought to it anymore, just wanted to let everyone know since my last blog was um, pretty harsh.

I don't know why everything happened like it did- just like earlier today i had no clue there was an article for the quiz i took today.

Dominic has been sick  but is feeling much today.  He needs some mama love so i gotta go!

hypocrites and liars

I have so much anger in my heart right now- so much pain buried beneath it.
It doesn't help that Dominic is screaming in the background- sigh.
Hypocrites and liars get under my skin more than anything else. It's the whole reason I stopped going to church- because I felt like a hypocrite and a liar. I'd rather be honest and live honestly than say I'm following God when I'm not.
Other people are too proud and stubborn to admit to any wrong doing.
When a man does something that any other sinful man would do and says it's nothing- it just makes me angry.
Ok, I'm just dancing around it-
Jason had been saying all this time how he could not date ANYONE... but he could have sex with me apparently.
Now, right now as I write this, he is out on a date with a girl. Lying, hypocrital, unfeeling, selfish beast that he is, cannot understand for one second why I'm angry- because he only sees his own lust. When I called him out on how he had been deceitful, how what he's doing to this new girl, is completely wrong and selfish- he called me mean. Told me he'd "never done anything mean" to me and I was angry and irrational. *exhales* He told me that "God told him" to date this new girl... God has also told him to go to Texas. God seems to tell Jason a lot of things that cator to Jason's lusts. I told him that I hate him, I hate myself, I hate God (i don't really hate God but I am angry that He allows this) and I told Jason to have a good date, hope he 'gets some' and that he's a fucking hypocrite. I didn't mention that he has no right to say he follows God when he clearly only follows his own lusts. I want to tell every person in the whole world what a misleading, lying, two-faced, double-minded man he is. He leads me to God and then leads me away to fulfill his own lusts and then blames me for it- disgard me like a piece of garbage and chases after yet another girl.
He says he's sorry for everything he's done- but his actions prove that he is going to keep doing the same thing to me and to other girls. I don't even know what to do right now- I am furious with him. Apparently he is ready to date- just not me. He does what he wants and then slaps God's name on it and calls it good. People like this DISGUST ME. I will have nothing to do with a man who walks so blasphemously. I hate him. People like him are the reason I walked away from God and the church- I have so much anger in my heart right now. I hope to move forward... I know God has forgiven me and I must forgive my brother- but there's also scripture about cutting out certain people from our lives and if I am gonna NOT walk in sin then I have to cut him out of my life. I told him the "God told me" to forget him... Pray for me, that this hatred does not consume me.

stolen mail and stolen hearts

Ok, if I said I've been having a great week and I love my life and flowers and sunshine and BLAH! I'd be a liar. I've been having a no good, very bad week. I honestly don't even wanna get into details, but basically, Jason turns my stomach.  I think of him and actually get physically ill. So for those of you who've been praying fervently that God would remove him out of my life- your prayers have been answered. I think this is how it feels to hate someone.

There are a lot of other little things going on too, like my mail being stolen, so i don't have my W-2 forms so I can't file taxes or reapply for financial aid. Other things like waking up late for class yesterday and being so mad about everything that i thought my head may actually explode-  that would be interesting now wouldn't it! Sigh. It's been good to have him out of my life i guess, been focusing on my homework which i'd been neglecting way more than i even realized. My grades are improving and I'm not as miserable, since my focus has something to shift to.
Been spending much more time chasing Dominic around the house, tickling him, reading books to him... and less time texting Jason.

Today I've got to go talk to property management and the post office about the mail situation and then i need to go and apply at a couple places. Really am hoping on geting the job at Staples but I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.

I've been thoroughly depressed and frustrated but i'll get over it eventually.

just lil' ol' me

Where to begin? *exhales*  Breathing is always a good place to begin, I think I've kinda forgotten to just breathe.  It's fairly vital to my existence, so I best start remembering!

Today was a fairly good day, wasn't able to make it to my psychology class this afternoon cuz my dad was in portland and could not find anyone able to babysit. Oh well. I gotta hang out with Dominic instead, which was nice. We took a little nap, had some lunch, ran around the house- it was fun. Then we went to the grocery store and I bought him a balloon!  He absolutely loves it. He was walking around the house holding his balloon and bottle with a huge smile, just totally made my day.

Tonight I got pizza with my food stamps at Papa Murphy's! *yum* My roommate (and best friend!!!) Kelly and her bf ate it with me. Then Naomi came over and we had brownies and chatted. Then all of us played poker  and I am proud to say I creamed everyone with two full houses.  Hahaha. Yay me!  Felt good to win, I love playing and don't usually win, too bad we don't play for real money. Lol! Just kidding.

I've been pretty serious  the last few weeks and I know I've been set free, so why would I beat myself over the head  because I still cuss, or because I have one guy I still can't get over? I stopped smoking cigarettes and pot... I stopped drinking on a daily basis, I stopped talking to all those random guys from my past!!! Jason at least WANTS to serve God, yeah it needs to get out of my life, but, I have taken some huge steps and I'm not gonna feel discouraged about it. I forbid myself from that. I'm gonna focus on what God has done, praise and thank Him for it and believe that He will lead me to be free from the last few things still desperately clinging to me. The difference is, I'm gonna go down fighting. I'm not gonna curl up in a ball and give up, even when everything is pressuring me to, it's not gonna happen. I've been revived, my heart is not numb anymore. God has brought me so far out of Egypt and I refuse to go back. I may dig my heels into the sand, cry and complain,  but at the end of the day when i'm alone, I curl up in God's arms and tell Him all that is within my heart- and then He speaks to me through His Word. Isn't that what this is all about? Yeah, I'm far, FAR from perfect, but I'm not ignoring it, denying it, or saying it's ok. Unfortunately I'm human, and can only take so many steps at a time before completely falling over my feet and onto my face. I'm glad I serve a righteous and just God. If I worried about what everyone thought of me then well, I'd be serving them. Guess what- I'm not! Whew!! So glad!

Just thought I'd say that God has kinda lightened my load a little, getting my focus off of what ISN'T and what IS. He has done miraculous things in my life- why would I ignore that and look at the little pieces of garbage He's already working on getting rid of and get discouraged about it? Will God forsake me? Will God stop working in me? Has He forgotten me? NO! A thousand times NO! I'm so glad that I follow Jesus and not anyone or anything else, Jesus is way nicer than other people.  Seriously, He is... He's more understanding because He was there with me through everything, and can see the big picture. I'm glad I serve a loving God.

Love you all, thank you so much for holding me up in your prayers, it means a lot to me.

ice cream and 30 rock

Ok, i never eat ice cream... i don't usually like it but tonight, i broke out the cherries, the cashews, the chocolate syrup and the tilamook vanilla ice cream. Yum.

Honestly i haven't been writing in my blog because it's just the same old blah rainy day crap. I can't get over Jason, Jason is leaving. I hate that he's leaving. You know. Jason, jason, jason... ERG! Why can't I just flip a switch and be over him. FOR GOOD.  Like forget it happened, shove it down with the rest of the men who hurt me and just MOVE THE BLEEP ON! (like my censor? you should be proud. )
Been watching 30 rock for a long time too, makes me smile. I had a totally free day today, test are over, homework is a little lighter, just had to do laundry. It literally felt like a cloud was following me all friggin day.  stupid cloud.

I've still been reading my Bible and praying but I feel so empty and I don't wanna church or anything. I dunno just feel really hopeless. Havin a hard time keepin my chin up folks.

I wrote most of that awhile ago... I bathed the baby and cleaned the whole house and listened to 89.3FM. Totally feel like the cloud has lifted a little bit.  this song makes me cry every time i hear it- it's good.

Nothing Does it Like a Blueberry!

Ok, so we've had a deep, serious past few blogs. Let's lighten up a bit and think about some good things- like blueberries. Have you recently grabbed a handful of fresh, organic blueberries? Have you felt their sweet and slightly sour blissful juices BURST in your mouth recently? Mmm... now I know why Dominic loves them so much! Seriously, nothing does it like a blueberry.

Dominc's diet consists largely of blueberries, they are a reward, a snack, a precursor to breakfast, lunch, and dinner- yeah, blueberries are amazing. I think I should make a cake for Dominic, topped with white frosting and blueberries for his birthday. Like an angel food cake! Oh yay!!! Now I know what kind of cake we're doing for his 1st birthday, WOO! All of you have to come!  Oh yeah, it wouldn't be a party without people! We're gonna do it Thursday the 17th, 4:30pm. We're gonna light snacks and cake! With BLUEBERRIES on it!  

Did i mention that blueberries are delicious!?

Dominic has had quite a day, we cut out his bottle this afternoon and switched to the sippy cup with half formula and half almond milk. He's been doing really good. We're still gonna have baba's at night before bed, and naps, but that's it. We're trying to phase it out. I also reapplied for OHP (kinda important).

Today I was going to try and find the paper my advisor gave me with the classes I'm supposed to register for on it... but I can't find that paper so I don't know what classes to register for. I called and made an appointment to see her! I also made an eye dr. appt FINALLY! Was a hectic stressful day to be honest- but I am attempting to look at the GOOD side of things. I've been working on this song, and I really like the lyrics. At first when I was singing it, I was singing it like it was from me to Jason... but then it changed like it was Jesus singing to me... it was really cool. I went back and altered it so the whole thing is basically a conversation between Jesus and me. It's not done, but here's what I got so far, enjoy!

Lift Up Your Face

"Lift up your face, let Me wipe away your tears,

Lift up your face, forget the former years,

For I will do a new thing,

My praises you will sing,

Life up your face, let Me hold your head in my hands,

Lift up your eyes to the God who understands.

Lift up your soul, to the One who made you whole,

Lift up your heart, to the One who set you apart,

Claimed you, called you, you are mine.

Do not fear the floods, you will not drown,

Or the fire, for you will not be burned,

I am the God who turned, your heart around.

Feed my sheep, feed my sheep.

Follow Me."

Jesus I love who You made me to be,

No matter how far I fall,

I can hear you call,

"Follow Me."

I will not fear the water,

'Cuz I know I'm Your daughter,

Lord walk me through the fire,

If that is Your desire.

I can still hear You call,

Through it all,

"Follow me, mind not others nor the former years,

"Come and let me wipe away your tears,

"Lift up your face, put your hope in me,

"Lift up your face- my child, you are free."