disclaimer: mom, dad, grandpa and others who get uncomfortable when i write about one of the most prominent sins that my generation deals with, be forewarned, i am once again going to write about sex.
for many people, abstinence is something that they believe very strongly in. for a lot of those people it comes relatively easy, people who have had either little to no sexual experience tend to find it easier to be abstinent, i know this from personal experience to be true.
Not to say that those people are never tempted, but once a person gives in to the same sin, over and over and over and over... the harder it is for that person to break free.
i am one of those people who has a tough time breaking free.
there are countless reasons to have premarital sex:
loneliness
stress
hopelessness
lust
defeat
confusion
a feeling of helpless and despair
boredom
curiosity
pride
anger
rebellion
selfishness
bitterness
apathy
ignorance
These are just a few things i can think of off the top of my head... now the root cause for giving in to the temptation of fornication is simply this:
not giving those things over to God
even though i gave my sexual sin over to God, repented and turned away, i held onto the things that caused me to fall in the first place. Loneliness, a feeling of helpless and despair, lust, hopelessness, confusion, stress beyond my ability to carry etc...
if I had immediately given these things to God, laid them at His feet and recognized their destructive power, perhaps I would not be sitting here feeling so completely ridiculous and ashamed.
what made me want to turn away? was it something that was too much for me to handle that God could not provide a way for escape? No. Nothing is. Unfortunately I was blind to all of the precursors of sin. Holding onto stress is the biggest thing... it doesn't seem like a blatant sin but it is. Not trusting God with our lives is what draws us away. Thinking that we know what to do with our lives more than God does, that our plan is better than His, is very dangerous. in fact, it was the downfall of an infamous angel, who we all now know as Satan.
This is my latest discovery and I think it may be a crucial one. If i want to stay abstinent, to live holy and blameless in His eyes, to pursue God with all that I am- I have to give Him everything, even things that don't seem to matter. It's the little things we love holding onto that are our downfall. for if we are holding on to anything other God, when we stumble, our hands will be full of little, itty-bitty things that we cherish. Nothing but Christ has any foundation. When we stumble and are holding onto anything other than Christ- we fall. We will fall if we hold onto our lust, our stress, our pride, independence, feelings of superiority, hopelessness, confusion. Many of us enjoy those things, or feel the need to hold onto them.
"let go to be held up child"
this is what needs to happen before we can truly be free.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Facebook and anger
My friend Kara had this as her status today:
I hope you can all understand my anger and frustration when receiving the message from David, saying, "TESTS SHOW THAT I AM NOT YOUR KIDS FATHER stay out of my life"
He might as well have come over and spat in my face.
Should I return evil with evil? Probably not, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness..."
However, I am not perfect. "Be angry and sin not, do not let the sun go down on your anger." (Ephesians 4:26) God knows how frail we are and that there are things in our lives that will make us angry, it's what we do with our anger that matters. Yes, I said some mean things about David and I'm not justifying those things- I'm saying that I'm a sinner by nature and when someone does something so incredibly hurtful it is difficult not to respond.
I have been thinking a lot about life in general, about all the ugly hateful things that are out there. I have encountered some of those things, I have endured some of those things, but at this moment I am free from them. I have a house, family and friends who love me, food, a bed, comfy slippers- I am very blessed. Even though Dominic will never know his biological father and even though I have no idea how to answer his questions (this is not an invitation to tell me what to say, it's a very personal delicate matter) but we are taken care of and for that I am thankful.
Am I still angry at David? No, he isn't worth the time or energy. He is a man, full of faults and failings, and his actions are not punishment from God. They are simply the actions of a man fallen from grace- and quite frankly, no woman deserves to be belittled and insulted like that, I doubt that God is smiling down saying, "This is what Mary deserves that's why it happened..." Far from it! I believe God's heart is breaking over the loss my son and I have, the loss of a father. Even though his biological father is not dead, he may as well be. He is a danger and threat to us and I cannot pursue it any further. We are grieving right now and to spit on our grief is infuriating, I pray God can forgive me for being so angry with David and that my heart can learn to let go and forgive. If my facebook offended anyone I apologize and have already removed the post.
I know you all love me and want what's best for me...
Dominic is very sick right now and needs your prayers. Thank you.
It's very fitting since it is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but it also brings up something that I posted on facebook yesterday. David Hastings was Dominic's alleged father and paternity tests showed that he is in fact not at all related to Dominic. David decided to message me on facebook and rub this in my face, knowing full well that this means the man who is my son's father is well, a horrible man. In fact, Dominic's conception was not consensual and it is the reason I told everyone that David was his father. There was a 50/50 chance that it was David or the man who forced me and it was easier than telling someone all the uncomfortable gory details. David knew about this and did not care, did not even flinch. He dragged the testing out, we could have done it immediately after Dominic was born, I told him I would even pay for half of it. He told me that I was a money-hungry evil person and refused. Afraid to go after the other person I did all the paperwork to get a DNA test from David.
I hope you can all understand my anger and frustration when receiving the message from David, saying, "TESTS SHOW THAT I AM NOT YOUR KIDS FATHER stay out of my life"
He might as well have come over and spat in my face.
Should I return evil with evil? Probably not, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness..."
However, I am not perfect. "Be angry and sin not, do not let the sun go down on your anger." (Ephesians 4:26) God knows how frail we are and that there are things in our lives that will make us angry, it's what we do with our anger that matters. Yes, I said some mean things about David and I'm not justifying those things- I'm saying that I'm a sinner by nature and when someone does something so incredibly hurtful it is difficult not to respond.
I have been thinking a lot about life in general, about all the ugly hateful things that are out there. I have encountered some of those things, I have endured some of those things, but at this moment I am free from them. I have a house, family and friends who love me, food, a bed, comfy slippers- I am very blessed. Even though Dominic will never know his biological father and even though I have no idea how to answer his questions (this is not an invitation to tell me what to say, it's a very personal delicate matter) but we are taken care of and for that I am thankful.
Am I still angry at David? No, he isn't worth the time or energy. He is a man, full of faults and failings, and his actions are not punishment from God. They are simply the actions of a man fallen from grace- and quite frankly, no woman deserves to be belittled and insulted like that, I doubt that God is smiling down saying, "This is what Mary deserves that's why it happened..." Far from it! I believe God's heart is breaking over the loss my son and I have, the loss of a father. Even though his biological father is not dead, he may as well be. He is a danger and threat to us and I cannot pursue it any further. We are grieving right now and to spit on our grief is infuriating, I pray God can forgive me for being so angry with David and that my heart can learn to let go and forgive. If my facebook offended anyone I apologize and have already removed the post.
I know you all love me and want what's best for me...
Dominic is very sick right now and needs your prayers. Thank you.
Monday, January 9, 2012
one step at a time... ready or not, Portland here I come!
Apparently a bachelor's degree is only a year longer than an associates, and an associates is like a prerequisite to a bachelors. SWEET! 
This means I am moving to Portland this summer! 
There is a lot I have to do to prepare for that but I am just gonna take it one day and one step at a time.
Today was my first day back at college and it was an awesome day. I don't have to write papers weekly for my sociology class!!! WOO!
Instead we just have articles to read and are going to do in class assignments which I am super excited about. Chemistry was great, gotta sit with the girls that I had lab with last term and we are all gonna be in the same lab again this term. Anatomy and Physiology was short but sweet, gotta sit with Brittany who came to our little women's Bible study tonight. It was a busy, stressful day that involved three different babysitters and a ton of driving but it was worth it. I have a feeling this term is going to be the best one yet. 
There is something that has been on my mind and I can't quite shake it and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it or what to think about it. Everyone I've talked to feels like there is going to be a great change this year but nobody really knows what it is. Will it be the beginning of the End Times? I don't know... Is it wrong that I want a normal life? All I want is an okay job, to provide for my son and live in peace. Will that all be ripped away from me and will I be all alone in Portland when it happens? Am I worrying about nothing? I just wish I knew... Do I love this life more than Christ? I'm beginning to think that may be the heart of the issue. I want to put Him and His will first in my life, but there are some verses that I struggle with. Like being enemies with family and forsaking them for God's sake. Can I put Christ before my son? That feels so impossible. I have built my life, my dreams and career around Dominic. The closer I get to Jesus though, the more I realize that it is all about Him and that I need to build my life, dreams and even career around Him. This is not an easy thing for me to swallow but I know that it's true.
Okay, that's all I have to say about that. Thanks to everyone who reads this and a shout out to all my followers!!! Love you all...
This means I am moving to Portland this summer! There is a lot I have to do to prepare for that but I am just gonna take it one day and one step at a time.
Today was my first day back at college and it was an awesome day. I don't have to write papers weekly for my sociology class!!! WOO!
Instead we just have articles to read and are going to do in class assignments which I am super excited about. Chemistry was great, gotta sit with the girls that I had lab with last term and we are all gonna be in the same lab again this term. Anatomy and Physiology was short but sweet, gotta sit with Brittany who came to our little women's Bible study tonight. It was a busy, stressful day that involved three different babysitters and a ton of driving but it was worth it. I have a feeling this term is going to be the best one yet. There is something that has been on my mind and I can't quite shake it and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it or what to think about it. Everyone I've talked to feels like there is going to be a great change this year but nobody really knows what it is. Will it be the beginning of the End Times? I don't know... Is it wrong that I want a normal life? All I want is an okay job, to provide for my son and live in peace. Will that all be ripped away from me and will I be all alone in Portland when it happens? Am I worrying about nothing? I just wish I knew... Do I love this life more than Christ? I'm beginning to think that may be the heart of the issue. I want to put Him and His will first in my life, but there are some verses that I struggle with. Like being enemies with family and forsaking them for God's sake. Can I put Christ before my son? That feels so impossible. I have built my life, my dreams and career around Dominic. The closer I get to Jesus though, the more I realize that it is all about Him and that I need to build my life, dreams and even career around Him. This is not an easy thing for me to swallow but I know that it's true.
Okay, that's all I have to say about that. Thanks to everyone who reads this and a shout out to all my followers!!! Love you all...
Saturday, January 7, 2012
a song
After posting my last blog, I sat down at the piano and wrote this song. This is where my heart is, completely surrendered and waiting for Him to show me what to do next... Lord lead me!
Lead me
I commit my life into Your hands,
I choose to trust Your plans,
I may not know what they are,
and sometimes You feel so far away,
I believe
That You know the plans You have for me,
I will follow wherever You lead.
I commit my steps into Your hands,
I choose to obey Your commands,
You said You would write them on my heart,
You promised that we would never be apart,
I believe,
That You finish what You start,
Complete the work that You began in my heart
You gave Your life up for me,
You chose to die to make me free,
I will follow You to the cross,
Count all else but loss,
I lay my life down,
Casting my crown,
At your feet,
Mysteries so sweet.
Take me by the hand,
Lead me to the promised land,
I am Yours.
Lead me
I commit my life into Your hands,
I choose to trust Your plans,
I may not know what they are,
and sometimes You feel so far away,
I believe
That You know the plans You have for me,
I will follow wherever You lead.
I commit my steps into Your hands,
I choose to obey Your commands,
You said You would write them on my heart,
You promised that we would never be apart,
I believe,
That You finish what You start,
Complete the work that You began in my heart
You gave Your life up for me,
You chose to die to make me free,
I will follow You to the cross,
Count all else but loss,
I lay my life down,
Casting my crown,
At your feet,
Mysteries so sweet.
Take me by the hand,
Lead me to the promised land,
I am Yours.
overwhelmed
I stayed up til 2am last night, took a Tylenol PM around 1am. I have so much on my mind that I couldn't sleep. (I know melatonin would help but I don't have money for gas and diapers... or rent or bills or anything, until i get my grant, which is only a few weeks away.)
Here's why i am overwhelmed:
I have to decide where I'm moving to by Monday when I submit my HUD (housing assistance) application. Originally I was going to move to Portland to attend OIT and obtain my associates degree in dental hygiene. For those of you who read my last post you know that I didn't have peace about Portland. My roommate Brenna suggested I move with her to Washington and finish my associates degree there. I have family and some friends in Spokane so I decided to look into it. What I discovered is that all of the colleges in Washington only offer a 4-year bachelors degree in dental hygiene and one of my friends who works at a dental office informed me that they only hire dental hygienists with a bachelor. Spokane is out of the question, I would not receive housing assistance, I would have to pay university tuition and out of state tuition. Now I just have to figure out what to do about this whole bachelor degree thing... do I stay in school another four years? Probably more because all of the prerequisites are completely different than the ones I was taking to transfer to OIT. Or do I pick a different degree and stay in Bend? If I pick another degree I will most likely have to submit an appeal because any technician (radiology tech, ultrasound tech, etc.) degree would have a lower credit limit than the amount of credits I have already taken. I stayed up praying, crying, thanking God for letting me find out about needing a bachelor degree now instead of AFTER wasting two years earning an associates. I will probably stay in Bend and settle for a technician job. I am so disappointed and frustrated. It won't pay nearly as much, but it'll be better than what I'm making now with college grants and loans.
Quite frankly, I am sick of acquiring more and more debt- I want to finish school and start paying all of it off. I'm done. I feel like I've given up. I had such huge dreams and I feel deflated; like all of my effort and good grades don't mean squat. This term is going to be difficult and chances are for a technician degree, I won't need chemistry or sociology. that's 8 credits I could've used for something else... oh well. I'm going to finish up this term and use it to figure out what to do next. This means I won't be moving anywhere... there's no reason to. Which, I suppose, is an answer to prayer. It is far from what I was expecting but God knows what's best for Dominic and me.
Thank you all for your love and prayers...
Here's why i am overwhelmed:
I have to decide where I'm moving to by Monday when I submit my HUD (housing assistance) application. Originally I was going to move to Portland to attend OIT and obtain my associates degree in dental hygiene. For those of you who read my last post you know that I didn't have peace about Portland. My roommate Brenna suggested I move with her to Washington and finish my associates degree there. I have family and some friends in Spokane so I decided to look into it. What I discovered is that all of the colleges in Washington only offer a 4-year bachelors degree in dental hygiene and one of my friends who works at a dental office informed me that they only hire dental hygienists with a bachelor. Spokane is out of the question, I would not receive housing assistance, I would have to pay university tuition and out of state tuition. Now I just have to figure out what to do about this whole bachelor degree thing... do I stay in school another four years? Probably more because all of the prerequisites are completely different than the ones I was taking to transfer to OIT. Or do I pick a different degree and stay in Bend? If I pick another degree I will most likely have to submit an appeal because any technician (radiology tech, ultrasound tech, etc.) degree would have a lower credit limit than the amount of credits I have already taken. I stayed up praying, crying, thanking God for letting me find out about needing a bachelor degree now instead of AFTER wasting two years earning an associates. I will probably stay in Bend and settle for a technician job. I am so disappointed and frustrated. It won't pay nearly as much, but it'll be better than what I'm making now with college grants and loans.
Quite frankly, I am sick of acquiring more and more debt- I want to finish school and start paying all of it off. I'm done. I feel like I've given up. I had such huge dreams and I feel deflated; like all of my effort and good grades don't mean squat. This term is going to be difficult and chances are for a technician degree, I won't need chemistry or sociology. that's 8 credits I could've used for something else... oh well. I'm going to finish up this term and use it to figure out what to do next. This means I won't be moving anywhere... there's no reason to. Which, I suppose, is an answer to prayer. It is far from what I was expecting but God knows what's best for Dominic and me.
Thank you all for your love and prayers...
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
direct my steps!
I've had a lot of decisions to make lately, one of them has to do with moving to Portland. I really don't want to move. I don't know if it's because i don't have peace or if i don't feel peaceful because I've never moved away from Bend before and it would be really hard on me and Dominic to uproot and move away from everything we've known. I've finally been able to walk with the Lord for the first time in four years, and I don't know that I wanna risk moving away to someplace where I have no support system at all. I also am going to start potty training Dominic next month and moving to a new place would make that really difficult on him. I still have peace about becoming a dental hygienist, so I am going to see if I can do the year of school online and if there's any place in Bend that accepts interns and would hire me once I'm done. I also would still need to work as a receptionist at a dental office while going to school to help pay bills, but it'd be much easier to do so if I was doing school online. I really need prayer about this because I'm not sure what God wants. I have to figure it out by Monday because that is the date that I have to submit my HUD form for housing assistance and I'll need to know what area I need to apply for. I've decided to drop my nutrition class this term for multiple reasons, one I will still have 12 credits if i drop it and two I heard that microbiology is not that difficult whereas my sociology class is.
I also got paternity results... they were not what I had hoped. This is a tough subject for me. I cried a lot. I am heartbroken that Dominic will now never know his father and the only things I know of his biological father are horrible, frightening things. I made the decision to not pursue child support or press charges. I will not put the biological father on the birth certificate. I do not understand how something so beautiful and innocent came from something violent and ugly. I love my Dominic no matter what and always knew this was a huge possibility, but I'm having a difficult time accepting it. Pray for me... I need wisdom.
I know that a man devises his way but the Lord directs his steps... and I really need some direction for what steps to take concerning college and moving.
Love you all!!!
I also got paternity results... they were not what I had hoped. This is a tough subject for me. I cried a lot. I am heartbroken that Dominic will now never know his father and the only things I know of his biological father are horrible, frightening things. I made the decision to not pursue child support or press charges. I will not put the biological father on the birth certificate. I do not understand how something so beautiful and innocent came from something violent and ugly. I love my Dominic no matter what and always knew this was a huge possibility, but I'm having a difficult time accepting it. Pray for me... I need wisdom.
I know that a man devises his way but the Lord directs his steps... and I really need some direction for what steps to take concerning college and moving.
Love you all!!!
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