the ugly truth

I am afraid of disappointing you
I am afraid you'll know who I really am
I am afraid you'll see my failures, past and present and turn away in disgust
I am afraid I will fail
I am afraid you'll realize that i am a game player
i am afraid you will see my sin, all the disgusting things I have done to please myself and that you will run in the opposite direction or tell me to never speak to you again.

I know ALL the right things to say and that scares me because i can look you in the eye and convince you that I am okay spiritually; that I am strong, happy and brilliant when really i am a lying, miserable, greedy, selfish human who does what is best for me.

Thankfully, you're my dad. You told me that God helped you through the same stuff, the EXACT same stuff that I'm going through right now. You told me that even though it feels futile, to not give up. Besides, I was honest with you, and finally i'm making a step in the right direction. You know that I BS people and myself because I'm scared that I'll lose them. I know that I've let God down. He's done everything for me and I have run away and hid from Him because I'm ashamed and I don't know how to get up. The thing is, tonight I realized out of all of these friends that I have bullshitted so efficiently, not a one knows me, knows the real me. The ugly me. We all have an ugly side, that part we bury down so deep we think maybe it's gone, maybe it never existed, but when it rears its ugly head we realize how alone we really are. Not because people didn't want to get close, but because we didn't let them get close. I'm alone because I was scared to be honest, with anyone. I would be honest in little bits and pieces, but living a double life is what i do best. It's who I am, but you know that. You're my dad. You've done the same thing. You've said all the right words to all the right people even while you're cringing inside as you speak, knowing you're heart is so far from the things coming out of your mouth.

The thing that I hate to think about the most, is that I've let Him down, you know, Jesus. I have even come to the point where if I died today and saw Jesus and He told me i didn't make it in, I would understand. He is right and I love Him. It doesn't make sense, maybe it's because my heart has believed so many lies... you understand that too, don't you?

What amazes me is that while I was sitting on the floor crying because I feel so completely trapped in my sin, I cried out to Him, to Jesus, and told Him I needed so desperately for someone to talk to, someone who understood how trapped and frustrated and hopeless I feel. Someone who not only understood but who could help, and who would've thunk it Dad, he brought me you. He also brought me Pete... who is like a second dad. Okay i'm officially the luckiest girl EVER to have two father figures who have not given up on me even though they know what a complete hypocritical failure i am.

A lot of kids don't know their dads, some have abusive dads or ones that are barely around. Not you, Dad. Even in all your imperfection, you love Jesus and when you called me about the laundry and heard me crying, you knew just what to say and not because you were saying what I wanted to hear, but because you've been through this yourself.

Being honest and vulnerable is the most terrifying thing in the world, and I am so blessed to have a dad who understands, and a God who cared enough to get my dad to pick up the phone and call me. I have believed for so long that I was Esau; that God had given up on me, but after you and Pete talked to me, I'm beginning to see that maybe God never gave up on me, I just got tricked into thinking He did. So Dad, this is what I'm gonna do: Before I go making radical changes and try to go be super righteous and above all my sin, I'm gonna start reminding myself every day that God made me, called me, and has not once EVER given up on me. If He had, then why would you have called? Why would Pete have been online and talk to me even though it has literally been almost a decade since we've had a heart-to-heart?
It is completely undeserved, yet Jesus never stopped loving me. He NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME. I want to scream it out loud until it gets from my head into my heart. Thank you Jesus, for never giving up on me. You are truly beyond what I can even describe. Thank You... Thank You.