Stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!!

I'm not usually an angry person.
Not gonna lie, right now I'm ticked.
Why?
Cuz I thought for once something good and real was happening in my life and it isn't. I thought hey, a man who loves God loves ME? Whoa, wow ok...
I was stupid enough to get my hopes up. I dared to hope that I deserved the guy i was seeing. I was wrong. He isn't ready. He can't let go of his past and because of it I don't get to hold onto him. I know, I know I said I'd follow God even if he (dude i was seeing) was out of the picture but, already? He's gone out of the picture already!??! What did I do? I thought for once I was doing everything right. I thought we got blessed for that not cursed. Ugh. Argh. BLAH.
"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away." Some verse somewhere.

I broke it off with him, so why am I mad??? Because I knew it'd end, his heart was getting farther and farther away from me... i was just cutting my losses. Cried and cried with him last night and cried all day today. Feel like I'm lost, just like I'm floating out in the middle of the ocean with nothing in sight. No land, no life vest, no boat, nothing. Just me and the waves.

Had nightmares all night last night. Dude i've been seein/datin, was in every dream. Woke up with my ears ringing so loud I thought I was gonna scream. He said I could call him if I had demonic dreams again but I tried three times and no answer... he was fast asleep.

Why do I feel things so deeply? Why am I so emotional? Why can't I just live and get by and fake it. No. I feel. I feel so much... every part of my flesh is screaming at me to forget God, to forget the guy i was dating, to go back to being numb. I know if I go numb... I'll go numb to God and I don't want that.

I feel so empty.