Fulfilling His Word in me

I've been writing a lot because I'm not in school and I don't have a job. School starts this monday tho and I get the call today as to whether or not I got the second interview at Jamba. I hope I got it!
Talked to a few friends last night, Javi surprised me and stopped by but didn't stay long. Then I got a call from my long lost friend Joanna! It was awesome to talk to her, I felt so encouraged, she let me do almost all the talking, which was sooooooooo nice. I mean, don't get me wrong, the guy I was seeing was wonderful, but he talked as much as my big brother! IE, a lot. Hahaha...

I got this song/psalm stuck in my head last night and was singing it to Dominic, thought I might share it.
"I will call upon the Lord, Who is worthy to be praised, so shall I be saved from my enemies. The Lord liveth and blessed be my rock and let the God of my salvation be exalted! The Lord liveth and blessed be my rock and let the God of my salvation be exalted. Who is God save the Lord? Or who is a rock save our God? It is He that girdeth me with strength. The Lord liveth and blessed be my Rock and let the God of my salvation be exalted!" Psalm 18:3, 31, 32 & 46. I sang that song/psalm and was filled with peace. Had no nightmares last night, no demonic nothing... God was my strength, He saved me from my enemies. Felt really excited when I woke up this morning that He was fulfilling His Word in my life.
Last night I was praying and was remembering another verse, "Who shall ascend unto the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in His holy place? He that has clean hands and a pure heart; who has not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation." Psalms 24:3-5 When God brought Jason into my life a week ago, I promised, I SWORE, that I would follow Him even if that meant NO JASON.

At first when I realize Jason was gone, I was mad, frustrated, defeated... wanted to give up, become numb again and just go back to my old ways. Then God pressed so hard on my heart and, idk, it just, gave me strength. I know God has cleansed my hands and my heart, lifted my soul unto Himself, so the one thing that can hold me back from his HOLY PLACE... (wow... only one thing, and He did the rest of the things!!) is to not swear deceitfully. I have to keep my word to God and then He will fulfill that amazing promise. I prayed and I told God I was ready to keep that promise I made to Him and that I meant it. Besides, I already know He is my strength so I'm not keeping any promise to Him in my strength, in fact, well, He is doing that too. So to have those songs in my heart, and then to have no demonic dreams, well, it was just confirmation that God is gonna fulfill His Word in me... Pretty good deal. I throw myself onto Him and say ok, i trust You to do this and believe you can come through and He brings me into His presence, showers me with blessings, and gives me His righteousness. Wow. God is good.

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!!

I'm not usually an angry person.
Not gonna lie, right now I'm ticked.
Why?
Cuz I thought for once something good and real was happening in my life and it isn't. I thought hey, a man who loves God loves ME? Whoa, wow ok...
I was stupid enough to get my hopes up. I dared to hope that I deserved the guy i was seeing. I was wrong. He isn't ready. He can't let go of his past and because of it I don't get to hold onto him. I know, I know I said I'd follow God even if he (dude i was seeing) was out of the picture but, already? He's gone out of the picture already!??! What did I do? I thought for once I was doing everything right. I thought we got blessed for that not cursed. Ugh. Argh. BLAH.
"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away." Some verse somewhere.

I broke it off with him, so why am I mad??? Because I knew it'd end, his heart was getting farther and farther away from me... i was just cutting my losses. Cried and cried with him last night and cried all day today. Feel like I'm lost, just like I'm floating out in the middle of the ocean with nothing in sight. No land, no life vest, no boat, nothing. Just me and the waves.

Had nightmares all night last night. Dude i've been seein/datin, was in every dream. Woke up with my ears ringing so loud I thought I was gonna scream. He said I could call him if I had demonic dreams again but I tried three times and no answer... he was fast asleep.

Why do I feel things so deeply? Why am I so emotional? Why can't I just live and get by and fake it. No. I feel. I feel so much... every part of my flesh is screaming at me to forget God, to forget the guy i was dating, to go back to being numb. I know if I go numb... I'll go numb to God and I don't want that.

I feel so empty.

Breif summary of my hectic existence

Before reading any of my blog there are a few things you must understand:

1. I am a single mom of a beautiful baby boy, he will be 1 in February
2. I am going to school full time to become a nurse- just taking prerequisites right now
3. I am a pure romance consulstant
4. I have an interview today at Jamba Juice and should get the job (WOO!)
5. I once loved Jesus and followed Him but then fell away
6. After 3 years of disobeying God I am now seeking Him again- this is the reason for my blog to journal my journey with Him so others can see how good He really is
7. I am seeing a very nice man who loves God- something I never thought could happen

Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's begin.

I don't know where to begin.
It is not easy to drop old things, to stop having sex, smoking cigs and other substances... it's not easy to follow God in your own strength. Thankfully I'm not doing that... I have no strength to do any of those things so i'm not going to do any of them.. on my own. Hahaha... He has already given me victory over two out of those three things... quitting cigs on the 1st. ;) I know it's only been a week and the battle is gonna get heated, but well, He already won the war. Because of that I know He'll keep giving me victory.
I used to be scared of so many things... now I have peace that passes all understanding guarding my heart and mind. God changed my heart. That's the only reason I can find for all of this. "The Lord will give strength unto His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace." Psalms 29:11 I guess that doesn't mean much until it's happening to you. Until you're hearing demons scream in your dreams and wake up and with one small prayer, "Jesus help me..." Peace washes over you.

What we have all forgotten to do is to be THANKFUL. God pressed this on my heart before I ever came back to Him. Let me tell you when He pressed that on my heart. Here's the short story of how God got me back.

About a month ago my food stamps had been cut and I was out of money. No way to pay rent, to get gas, diapers, food... anything. For the first time in a long time, I screamed, and I mean SCREAMED, kicked, shouted, threw a little fit... at God. For some strange reason, in the midst of my sin, He heard me. Then He did something crazy. He blessed me. Blessings literally were pouring out from heaven. People bought us food, diapers, wipes and gas cards that night and that week. I stopped and realized HE had blessed us. I thanked Him. Over and over I thanked Him because I knew I didn't deserve it and that only He could bless us so completely. Then He did it AGAIN. Gas card, diapers, wipes, my food stamps came through and someone gave us a $50 gift card to Wal*Mart all on the same day. That's when I gave in. If God could bless me then, when I deserved NONE OF IT, then how much more can He bless me when I surrender to Him?

I have surrendered to Him. Not saying I'm gonna be perfect, just saying I'm gonna surrender to Him on a daily basis. It's nice to be without strength, cuz then you start to see how strong God really is.
"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalms 27:14