it is well with my soul

This last week, well, the last few weeks I've been more than slightly overwhelmed.
God did this great work in my heart and immediately following, everything overwhelming and frustrating and completely out of my control happened. Neighbors yelling at me, no money for things like TP, paper towels, pull ups- AGAIN- broke again? Sigh. Then the state contacting the biological father of my son- me wanting to move... not being able to move because i didn't get the job I wanted. On top of that I have been so depressed and unmotivated that I find it hard to leave the house... especially when i have a tank of gas to last me through mid-January. Not really wanting to waste it.

I feel like every time I try and do something to better my life that I'm just STUCK or hit over the head and told no.
Because of this I was frustrated and upset and feeling sorry for myself... haha... so when my dad called me I told him all about it and  in reply he read me Psalm 143:

"Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness. 2 And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified. 3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead. 4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate."

I had been trying all day to hold it together, to not cry, to somehow retain my dignity and composure and be angry that things were not working out AT ALL- but when these words hit my ears, i didn't feel angry anymore.

He kept reading:

"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands. 6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsts after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.7 Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit fails: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit. 8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. 9 Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me."

I liked this part, because I've been hiding in my house but I should be hiding in the Lord.

"Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness. 11 Quicken me, (make me alive) O Lord, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble. 12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant. "

I really want to know how to do His will, it's been way too long since I've wanted that and I got discouraged when i mess up AGAIN and the AGAIN- but this Psalm really comforted and encouraged me to not give up- but to ask God to bring my soul out of this trouble. I have yet to ask for His help honestly... could be the problem!

Last night I was praying and thinking to myself how badly I want a friend. Not just the friend who talks to you once a week or once a month... but the friend that sticks closer than a brother.
Last night after praying I had this dream that one of my childhood friends (who is currently following God quite fiercely) came up to me out of nowhere and embraced me. This person, more than any person I know, reminds me of what Christ would look and feel and be like... this person is not perfect, no, but they love like Jesus does and, oh it sounds strange, but this person reminds me of Jesus. When you talk to this person, or are near this person, you can feel Jesus' presence... so in my dream when this friend of mine embraced me and held me tight, it wasn't my friend, it was Jesus. It felt as if in one sigh in my dream- without words- I told Him all my trouble and He loved me and He was a friend to me. When i woke up today I felt at peace and even though it's weird, i thought i should share my dream. Jesus really is our friend if we let Him be.

Also- my dad sang this song to me last night, it is written by a man who lost his children in a shipwreck, he wrote this song on his way to retrieve his wife, who was the only one who'd survived. and i thought i had troubles! God is with us in good times, but He is also a very present help in time of need.

speechless

speechless

(ironic because this is a really, really long blog entry!)

i'm at a loss for words- and for the those of you who know me that's a rare thing!

my son's heart is broken- which means so is mine.

the nations' heart is broken over the innocent lives lost.

and honestly, i am such a tender person, this breaks my heart so deeply... it's something most people don't "get" about me- when i hear about a little 2 year old girl being raped or someone in another country being viciously tortured- i WEEP, i beg God to intervene and shew His righteous power.

Lately though, Job and I have recently been saying very similar things- which isn't actually a great thing.

God has been doing some awesome things in my life as many of you know, "this poor girl cried and the Lord heard her and delivered her out of all her troubles." Psalm 34:6 (i changed the "he's" to "she's" because i really felt like God spoke this to me tonight)

but, at the same time, I look around and i see all of this pain and suffering and i'm with Job saying, 

"Why do the wicked live on,
    growing old and increasing in power?.. Their houses are safe from fear, neither is the rod of God upon them..." and even "their children dance..."! 

Basically Job and I are like, HEY! Where is God's judgement? Where His righteous indignation and squishing of evil people who persecute the innocent? I don't get it? I just don't get it! 
Then Elihu jumps in and looks at us and says,

8 "But you (Job) have said in my hearing-- I heard the very words-- 9 'I am pure and without sin; I am clean and free from guilt. 10 Yet God has found fault with me; he considers me his enemy. 11 He fastens my feet in shackles; he keeps close watch on all my paths.' 12 "But I tell you, in this you are not right, for God is greater than man. 13 Why do you complain to him that he answers none of man's words ?"

He goes on and on and then on a little bit more... very poetically stating God's authority and pretty much says, "Who are you to say God did this wickedness?" (Job 34:10) He also points out that God is so much more majestic and glorious and powerful than we are and in fact, if God wants to stop talking to us, there isn't much we can do about it.

"When he is quiet, who can condemn?

    When he hides his face, who can behold him,

    whether it be a nation or a man?" Job 34:29

Okay, okay, all the cream puff Christians are cringing- but WOW- Elihu makes a good point. Were we there when God laid the foundations of the earth? Who are we to say, "Hey God i've been noticing the way You've been doing things and I'd like to add my two cents." Yeeeeeeeeeeeah, not so smart. I think for a long time I was really stubborn and proud and like, "Life isn't fair, i don't get it. I don't like it, I don't want to look at it and understand why God lets this happen!" So then God has me read Job. Interesting... isn't it?

So I call my dad and I tell him all of this and I'm like, "Wow, God is super big and I'm super puny and who was I to ever open my mouth against the way He does what He does!?" 

My dad over the phone says, "Job is one of my favorites but, Mary, read Ephesians. I don't want you to get discouraged by only reading in the old testament- don't forget about the promises for those in Christ." 

So i flip over to Ephesians and BAM! There is the greatness of God AGAIN only now it's being shown through His... well... just read this: 

"(4)He (God/Jesus) chose us in Him (Jesus) before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love... (7) In whom WE HAVE REDEMPTION THROUGH HIS BLOOD, the FORGIVENESS OF SINS, according to the RICHES of His grace." Eph. 1:4 & 7

Sorry I had to bold all of that because to me the Holy Spirit is shaking me up inside and opening my eyes to the wonder of all of this... HE CHOSE US BEFORE THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLD!!!!!!! Can we please just dance and cheer and pop some champagne? Because- WOW!

I totally forgot how big my God is... I took Him so for granted. I am just... amazed. He loves ME? What? Really? Crazy. 

Now... back to my little one, sleeping peacefully in his bed. He has no earthly dad to speak of... none that will claim him- but my God is not just this distant POWERFUL God who holds the lightening, snow, hail, and all of creation in His hands... but He is also the Father to the fatherless... that would be my boy. Which means MY GOD is wrapping my baby in His Holy Spirit right now, comforting him.
My boy, all day, was so saddened to learn he had no earthly father that he could see or feel or see- but

because of JESUS my Mediator, I can plead the blood of Jesus and ask the Ancient of Days to not forget His promise to be a Father to the fatherless, and to be near to my baby. 

Just sayin', my God is unspeakably wonderful beyond any possible earthly expression of praise. He is worthy of our lives, our praise, our adoration, our love, our hearts, our souls... He is worthy.

i could keep going on, like how we are seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus. Wait, WHAT? Oh man. I'm glad that I took the time to pick up my Bible tonight- and I'm so glad that my Jesus lives.