I know it's been just shy of eight years since I posted, but I'm going to skip the pleasantries and jump right into what is on my heart.
As many of you know I got married last year in September. My husband and I agreed that a traditional family is what we believe in and what we want.
Now, after 20+ years of working, staying home full-time with my son and home schooling is... hard. Harder than any job I've ever had. You know why? Well there are a lot of reasons, but the one that is getting the better of me is what I want to write about, because I have a hunch that I'm not alone.
There is this incessant nagging feeling inside of me that says, "You are not enough. You are not doing enough. You are of no value to this world."
*Insert swear words of your choice here.*
There is this weight, as the thoughts continue, "You are not living up to your potential. You could be a doctor! A writer! Anything you want to be!" This constant dialogue continues its unabashed barrage as I continue to push through and do the daily tasks at hand. It continues through the dishes, the laundry, the meal making, the constant cleaning and finally, I break under the weight of these words.
I lay in my bed thinking of the things ahead of me tomorrow, they seem so small, and yet my cute little anxiety and PTSD rear their ugly heads, making me feel completely worthless for not wanting to leave the safety of my home. For wanting to be safe. Then the tears come as I pray desperately for relief.
Then He comes and speaks life into my soul, "Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28)
I then imagine heaven as a great sifter, or noodle drain if you will, where the substance of me will remain, but all of the anxiety, depression, PTSD, all of it, will be gone the moment I walk through those pearly gates. This brings on more tears as I ask God to give me deliverance here and now on this earth.
I hear that still small voice in my soul ask for a song. I am weary. Crying. All that comes to mind is: "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me..." I sing the song and grow silent.
As I meditate, I hear in my heart a question, "Why are you looking to the world for validation and approval? You will never find it there. You will always feel this way if you look to the world for those things."
It dawns on me that, I am not of this world, so, why should I be holding myself to worldly standards?
What does God say is required of me? Have I labored today? Yes. Yes I have. Have I done what He has asked me to do? Yes. Yes I have.
Would the Blessed Virgin Mary tell me I should go out and get a job? Would she look at me, and shake her head?
No. She would look at me lovingly and tell me not to give up, and to continue to nourish the souls and bodies of my child and my husband.
This is what I was created to do. I do not have to live up to anyone's standards except for God's. I do not need to look to the world for approval. I do not need to look to the world for validation. I will not find it there. I will look for it in the eyes of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will remember his wounds and find refuge in Him.
I am weak, but you know what? He is strong.
