Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Panic Attack Poem

Something many of you may not know is that I have been diagnosed several times by medical professionals as having PTSD, anxiety and depression. I have struggled immensely with these diagnoses and have been immensely ashamed, guilt ridden and trapped by fear. I began seeking help when I found myself having panic attacks multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times in a day. Trauma causes what is called complex PTSD which causes panic attacks, disassociation and avoidance. Disassociation means that I will black things out of my memory permanently so that I do not have to be traumatized over and over again, however, constantly blocking memories and not processing painful experiences often leads to panic attacks. I have been working to face some of my memories little by little, and in the midst of this was at war with myself and God- today I finally screamed for help during a panic attack and help came from many, many avenues. When driving home tonight I felt another panic attack set on, I began to pray and immediately felt the presence of the Lord wash over me. My close friends know how angry I've been with God, how hurt I've been by Christians not understanding my diagnoses, and how hesitant I've been to humble myself before God. I am not perfect and I am a work in progress- but on the way home from my cancelled swim class, this song came to me. I hope you all are encouraged, challenged and motivated to be open and bare before your Maker by what He gave me to write:

Panic Attack Poem

I feel the pressure wrap around my heart,
Rip through my life and tear me apart,
I feel the devils feet stand on my chest,
His fingers shred through my brain so I can't rest-

Condemned to live with anxiety and depression,
Sent me spinning into regression,
So angry I let my pride
Take me on a downhill ride
Told myself I was strong,
They had it all wrong.
Til my world came crashing down,
Falling all around,
Til I was screaming for help,
Screaming, felt like no one could hear me.
I was screaming, screaming...

Every memory that's been lost in the blackest void,
Torn away and destroyed,
Every thought I can't remember, You hold each in Your hand
You were there when it happened and You, YOU understand.

I know I've been wrong,
I know I'm not that strong,
I was furiously writhing against the One who formed me in my mother's womb,
The one who will gather my soul from my ashen tomb,
Kicking and cursing away the One who bled out naked and tortured on a tree,
The One who went to hell and ransomed me,
HE heard me screaming, 
woke me when I knew I was dreaming
but could not bring myself to wake,
You are the thunder in my bones
You are the ominous earthquake
That settles me down and fills me with peace,
Making the devil's panic cease.

I feel the pressure clench around my heart,
Shred through my life and pull me apart,
I feel the devils feet crushing my chest,
His fingers claw through my brain so I CANNOT rest-

Who do I turn to? I turn to You.

Humbled by my own humanity- frailty-
failures- unfathomable fallibility
Hallelujah You heard my cry!
Hallelujah I didn't die,
For the Lord God Almighty,
My Sweet, Omnipotent Jesus, King on High,
Had mercy on me and HE heard my cry.

Though the devil spreads his claws
and lifts his feet above my chest,
My God does not sleep,
My God does not rest.
He is my protector,
HE is my shelter.
Hallelujah I am brought up from out the belly of hell!
Hallelujah! Of His love and peace I must tell.

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