the year of change

(A letter mostly to myself...)

The Year of Change

New beginnings spring up just as the summer flowers begin to fade and the first few frosts cover the windshield of my small, silver, worn out car. I can almost hear my car sigh out as I open the door and throw in book bag and diaper bag, my lunch and my son's lunch. My car is weary, but has not given up yet. Yesterday I chose to fill my water bottle with water instead of juice, which was a good thing, since my poor, weak old car ended up needing a drink before we were even 5 minutes down the road. I wish I had more time and money to help this old car, but I only have so much. Removing the dusty lid of the coolant tank, I poor the water in to quench the thirst of my tired car and give it a pat and say thank you for bringing me this far. I hope you are able to finish this journey with me, but I do not know if that is what will be, after all, this is the year of change.
Hope like an autumn flower beats within my chest and wakes me up at night, what a sweet reason not to sleep! Remembering the passion that burned deep from years ago, passion hotter than the ice, hot enough to melt the snow. Not a lustful passion, one that burns brighter and deeper than sensuality could ever go, I remember what it means to love, to have compassion. This is what I was made for! Not to chide, not to chasten, not to instruct and toot my own horn, but to lean over to those who need a gentle touch, and gently, genuinely, work in geriatrics. What if this were my mother? This could be my father... this could someday be me. If my brain ends up twisted, warped, aged, malfunctioned, due to over use over the years- would anyone love me? Wipe away waste, snot and tears? Not cringing at my lack of teeth or the snarl I could not control, would someone stroke my hand, and look deep into my soul? What nurses are out there who LOVE their patients? What nurses out there who care? This is a call to those who work in the medical field, our mission should be clear. It could be you, you never know, just what curve balls life will throw. Be thankful for the things you have, small, silver, worn out car and beautiful innocent children.
You never know what tomorrow brings, so bring what you can to tomorrow and have compassion for each other's sorrows. Let us remember why we chose to put our hands to this type of work, I pray it was for more than monetary gain, I hope it was because we know that this world is full of pain. If we can ease that pain in others, then we have accomplished the purpose, the call in our hearts that brought us to where we are now.
So saddle up your small, silver worn out car, be thankful it's taken you this far, and get ready for the year of change.

old song of mine :)

I don't have much time, like 10 minutes so please excuse any typos, but I found a song I had written a long time ago and it touched my heart. I don't know when I wrote it since it's not dated, but I remember writing it.

Here it is:

Dream
When I was little, I built up a dream,
Like bare feet kicking in a cool stream.
He would be handsome and tall,
He'd be strong, he'd love God, he would have it all.
My prince charming, my knight in shining armor,
He'd be romantic, not dramatic, someone I could care for.
As I grew older I became afraid,
That this I had made,
Was far too grand, my request far too tall,
So I planned to change it a little, but not all.
He didn';t have to understand my poetic, artistic side,
It may important to me, but I let it slide.
Like bare feet kicking against an empty stream,
This was my wish, this was my dream.
My bare feet kicking against the stones,
But if I'm too picky, I'll end up alone.
More and more, I took parts of my dream away,
He didn't have to be tall, or look a certain way,
He didn't need to be gentle when he spoke,
He didn't need patience, all men are provoked,
He didn't need to be a gentleman,
He didn't to fight for my affection.
Like bare feet kicking in an empty stream,
This is my wish, this is my dream.
Bare feet kicking against the stones,
But if I'm too picky I'll end up alone.
Before I knew it, this dream had come true,
A man that fit my new dream came through,
He said he loved, he swore that he cared,
Our deepest thoughts and emotions we shared.
Barefeet kicking in an empty stream,
This is my wish? This is my dream?
I kicked and kicked, hoping the water would come,
The pain so strong, my feet became number,
My ankles, bleeding, raw and sore,
And then he decided not to speak to me anymore.
In His mercy, Jesus scooped me up into His arms and bandaged up my feet,
He help my close, showered my ankles with kisses, oh so soft and sweet,
He walked me from the empty stream I'd wanted so long to be filled,
To the shore of a grand ocean, blue, calm and stilled.
The sun rising, what will come in this new day?
Will me feet ever heal? Has He brought me here to stay?
Yet I am in His arms still, as the sky begins to light,
In my Jesus' arms, held close and tight,
I realize it's not the ocean, or it's sparkling waves that I love,
It's my Jesus holding me so tender, that I've been dreaming of.
My Jesus is more than the ocean, so wide and so full,
He holds this ocean in His hand, He causes its gentle lull,
I will look to this ocean and enjoy the view,
And wherever You bring me from here, my Jesus, I love you.

trust and obey

when God says, "let go" and you are sure that you already have it figured out, it's not easy to loosen your grip and trust. when God stands closely next to you and whispers, "move..." and all you want to do is stay, it is not easy to obey.
but when we obey, when we trust- then God can intervene and do what He had been wanting to do all along. I have never been good at stepping aside, letting go and obeying God, especially when it is something intertwined in my heart, something that has become a part of me. To tear it from my heart and lay it before God is no easy request, but almost at the very second i laid it down, He swooped in with His angels and picked it up and did so much more than I ever could have, He also wrapped His arms around me so tight while I cried and cried and reassured me that He was big enough to take care of everything. It's like as soon as I got out of the way God was able to work- I have never seen that before. I've also never FULLY obeyed Him. I also have realized through spending time in His Word how much I have to learn, like talking about people behind their backs. Ummmmm, YEAH. So, so, so guilty of that, you don't even realize you're saying something bad until you think about what that person would think and feel if they were in the room. I know a few people who are VERY good at speaking their mind to people and not gossiping, but I would prefer to avoid confrontation and gossip. Not very Christ-like if you ask me. I thought all I would need to do to be walking perfectly with Him was this one big thing, then I realized how much I still have to work on. basically i wanted to put out a praise, that God is doing something huge all around and inside of me and I am in complete and total awe. I also wanted to remind people that I am human, that I am flawed and still working on following God and I do not think that I'm better than anyone. Not even kind of sorta! This is the first time in a long time that I have obeyed God oh and trusting Him is something I have to work on ALL THE TIME.
Okay, Dominic is up and wants some attention. I love all of you and I'm excited to see what the future holds!