Bubble Bath Anyone?

After a long, miserable, stressful, frustrating day- car needing coolant, car dying as it idled, stupid, crazy traffic at school- i took a beautiful bubble bath. Dominic was sound asleep and my internet crapped out on me; so I poured a large sum of the rose scented bubble bath my sister gave me into a hot steamy bath.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I seriously need to do that more often.

Idk what it was about today, maybe it's cuz it was my first day back at school, but it was really hard for me to keep everything in perspective. Like, remembering that i have a Husband and this world is not my home- i've been trying to get things i need with my tax return money, like garbage bags, tupperware, sponges, etc. Well it feels like as soon as I get home i remember something i should've bought like, deodorant, (i'm a stinky girl! ) body wash, cooking sherry... ugh. Then when I got to psychology I realized I grabbed the wrong book- I'd bought the one for the sad psychology class and i'm taking the happy psychology class- went to try and return it in between classes, took one look at the lines and decided to head to class. WELL! Bad friggin idea!! I was STUCK in that &;$^#^$#$@#!*$% parking lot for 20 minutes! Not okay, not okay at all. Sigh.

I need to (as my math teacher Kellyn would say), "stay frosty" Ya know... "stay cool"  hahaha! not THAT kinda cool, but seriously- sometimes i wish there was this little "emotion button" that i could flip off certain emotions when they became too strong for me. Like when I feel like I'm about to explode with anger *ding* turn anger off! Or when I become infatuated with some poor unkowing young man to the point of stalking *ding* turn infatuation/obsessiveness off! Yeah, that would be lovely.

Sometimes I don't even stop to pray like I ought, even though I know the days are evil, I know that Satan walks about seeking whom he may destroy, I know that Jesus could come back at a moment's notice. Will He come in clouds of glory as I'm flipping someone off in the COCC parking lot? Sheesh... how completely embarrassing. (I didn't do that tho, WANTED TO, but didn't). In my quiet times I'm reading in Mark and I'm nearing the end, right as Judas betrays Jesus.

People are so mean to Judas- don't they understand we are all like him? At one point or another you betrayed Jesus. None is good, no not one. It's by His mercy we receive forgiveness and by His grace we receive power to overcome the desire to flip off stupid people in the COCC parking lot. We have overcome a whole lot more than just that, but we also have the power to overcome the little things, if we would but stop looking at the world through our narrow perspective and see it as Jesus sees it. It's nothing more than a choice. I can say that because I struggle with anger and I know its root.

When I'm angry, it's not like I've been caught off guard by this sudden rush of emotion- it's because little by little i tell myself I am justified in my anger, and the more tiny pieces of anger i justify, the angrier I become, like fuel to a fire. Every time I accept anger and agree that I should be angry, I sin. The only reason I am overcome by anger is because I have been too self righteous to admit that I've no right to hold any anger or unforgiveness towards anyone- not even the mail lady who almost mowed us down yesterday.  Seriously though, I hope that my actions constantly reflect the character of Christ. I love Him, I just wish He'd hurry up and come. Even so, come Lord Jesus.

a "gossip blog" as Kelly would say

Dude... I'm gonna write a whole blog full of "Kelly quotes"... it would be an amazing blog!

Since Kelly wanted a "gossip blog" i will try to live up to that, i've been trying to not gossip, so it'll be interesting...

I have seen the infamous "Jason" like... five thousand times the last week while driving- and every time I wanna flip him off.  I have yet to do that- that or ram his stupid white jeep.

I haven't yet, aren't all of you so proud?

Ahem- am trying to get over it, trying to get passed the anger and hurt- I think I forgive him a little bit more each day, but, it's difficult when i know he's out asking other girls to marry him without any real intentions to marry any one of them. Would greatly love to show up at his door and tell him what I think of him.  But honestly, what good would that do?

Idk... maybe that's why my panties keep gettin in a bunch- it seems as soon as I've got peace and am all happy- i see him. Ugh. Stupid Jason.

I haven't written a "gossip blog" or as I call them a, "what's really going on in my crazy little head blog" because usually i hide things... like this. Nobody wants to hear about Jason anymore... but it still gets to me every once in a blue moon. I just have to not let it you know?
I still wear the sweater he gave me, and when I hear our songs by Pink, I get choked up and cry. I loved him. I think I still love him. Sigh. Stupid damn emotions. I know I'll overcome them by Jesus- but, I'll save that for another "serious Jesus blog"

School started up this week, i have 3 classes tomorrow. I'll be in class from 12pm-7:30pm. WOO! Aren't you excited? I know I am! Got all my books today, Dominic came with me. It was fun. We ran all over town today spending little fragments of my tax return. Like, $30 here and there... Thankfully I'm a smart cookie and I balance my checkbook every day.

I also have started cutting crap out of my diet and working out a bit, then i found out i'm smaller now than before I got pregnant, I'm sorry but it's so darn exciting that I lost that weight, I had to post it!!

Keep feeling this obscure pressure to go be "outdoorsy" and to get a job.

I'd love to do both of those things but there's this little thing called a Dominic- I would rather spend my time with him than making "spending cash" at some job or spending time on some silly little hobby. I wanna use all the free time I have to raise my son- SO BITE ME! Hmm... ok maybe not the best night to ask for me to write a "gossip blog". I'm in a foul disposition.  Maybe someday I'll find a dude who likes a chick with tattoos, hot pink hair, (oh yeah, i'm doin it again, nuh, nuh, nuh, nah, nuh, can't stop me!) piercings (oh yeah... that too!!) tattoo(s) and a beautiful little boy who doesn't have a daddy- oh and who also happens to be sold out for Jesus.

Ok it may take me awhile to find that dude!! Why bother lookin? Hahaha! Besides, I already have a man, and he is WAAAAY more beautiful than any others out there.

a "serious Jesus blog" as Kelly would say

i'm not perfect

i'm so far from grasping what reality is and why we've been placed on this earth

i just know that Jesus loves me

it's like i'm fighting for my life lately. nothing makes sense and it's like i'm being bombarded with desires that cannot be fulfilled and feelings that pull me here and there and everywhere making me scream, "STOP!"

"leave me be!"

let me rest in the arms of my Love! oh fretful, faithless, wandering heart, why are you so quick to anger? so slow to forgive? why do you flee to feeble, fickle, fastidious, flirtatious men?

you silly paranoid, obsessive, irrational little girl... chill the fuck out.

stop puttin your hope in men! they will always fail you. even if you were lucky enough to find someone willing to be your husband-

HE WILL FAIL YOU because he is only a man,

and you, my dear silly thing, YOU WILL FAIL HIM.

who am i to even think about a man?

what do i have to offer someone?

let me look to the One who doesn't need me to be perfect

Jesus, let me rest in your bosom, draw me so close that this whole world fades in Your brightness

and if I am in that glorious light of my Love, my Husband, how can I not be changed?

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Six months ago, I was a completely different person. I don't even wanna look back because “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14


If i looked into the eyes of myself six months ago, i would've seen no glimmer of hope for friendships with the warm, wonderful women and men who surround me now.

One of my oldest friends is in town, and I never thought he and I would be friends again. I remember when he was here, 3 years ago, I was just starting to slide into the dark abyss, and I could not bear to be around him or anyone godly. It was like this terrible pain, this weight of guilt and shame.

Now I walk with this lightness and joy because I've been FORGIVEN I'm cleansed in the blood of JESUS! I just, I dunno ever since I decided to be happy and rest in the arms of Jesus and trust Him to be my Husband and the Father of my son, there has been this overwhelming peace enveloping my heart. When I talk to people about it I am like my Grandpa Web, I get choked up because, the fact that God saw fit to stoop down and touch my heart and set me free- astonishes me.

I don't bother looking at the past, or thinking about all the guys, drugs, etc., why? Why? Heh, I dunno. I seriously look at the last three years and wonder, "Who was that girl that lived that life? That isn't me."

When we went out talking to people about Jesus, I kept makin Austin stop so we could pray, because, well, no words that one person spoke to me changed my heart. Nope. Not enough good ol' Jason. There was a distinct moment in my car when I was stopped at a red light and it was like God literally turned my heart around, saying, "I blessed you when you didn't do anything to deserve it because I LOVE YOU." For some reason, instead of that just bouncing off the inside of my cranium, it resounded in my heart so loudly that I began to walk towards Him and have completely stopped looking back. I will tell of the mercies of the Lord forever! The closer I get to Him the less I even care about money or marriage- when i die all my worldly possesion will be gone and I will only have One Husband. Why spend so much time then worrying about that other stuff if I don't have to? I'll worry about the necessity because of my son, the necessity of getting enough money to support him, but beyond that, i don't want a bunch of money, if i had it i'd just give it away.

Six months ago, I was miserable and stressed, now with each passing day i find this peace and contentment flowing through my veins and into my heart. Jesus is so merciful. I love that He is my Love- He's the best.

Give me Your Eyes

I know you are all gonna stick me into the "Bible Thumper Bin" and label me a "Goner for God". I um, went out down town with some people who love Jesus and started talking to random people about Him.

You see, I'm not doin it cuz i think i'm right- i'm doing it cuz i know He loves these people enough that He bled out on the cross and died for their sin and how can people hear without a preacher?

I just wanna see people the way Jesus does, and if people think I'm "Looney for the Lord" well, so be it. I can handle that. Jesus touched my heart and turned my life around, if I can pray for some people and tell them what He did, maybe they'll start to feel Him touch their hearts. That's all that I want.

Let me introduce you to my husband!!

my Husband, formed me in my mother's womb.

my Husband, called me, knew me, before the world began.

my Husband, looked at me in all my sin, every thought, ever action, and stretched out His hand to receive the nail that should have pierced my hand, the death i deserved, He died

my Husband descended down to hell, where i should have gone, and did what I could not have done.

my Husband took captivity captive, my Husband redeemed me.


After what I wrote last night, I wanted to read some in the Word and pray, but my regular Bible was in my car. I looked up at the stereo and saw my compact Bible and grabbed it. It flipped open to where I had last left off reading... 3 or so years ago... in Isaiah 54.

Now, I usually write big long blogs, but this time, I can't even come close to saying what my Husband, has already said:

"Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.

"For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.

"For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God.


"For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee.


"In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD thy Redeemer.
"For this is as the waters of Noah unto me: for as I have sworn that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth; so have I sworn that I would not be wroth with thee, nor rebuke thee." (Is. 54:4-9 KJV)

Whenever I see a rainbow, I'll remember this promise. God spoke so clearly to me last night to look at the rainbow and when I see it remember that He has promised to not be wroth (furiously angry) with me anymore, nor will He turn me away from Himself anymore. I am so afraid that I'll wake up and be the old Mary again- so afraid i'll slip back into the bed of shame and terror... so when I read this, God pressed on my heart that He has redeemed me and is not ever going to let me go back to where I came from. And I cried like a baby.

"For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee.

"O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.
"And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones." (Is. 54:10-12)

To be called beautiful, by the God of the universe, for Him to look down on me and see how distressed I have been and to tell me He will build my foundation in beauty... it just takes my breath away.

"And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children." (Is. 54:13)

The last few nights I'd been praying God would cover Dominic with His Spirit and bless him and always be with him. When I read this verse it was like God was literally whispering it into my ear that He is the One teaching my son, He is his Father and has given him great peace.

"In righteousness shalt thou be established: thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear: and from terror; for it shall not come near thee.


"Behold, they shall surely gather together, but not by me: whosoever shall gather together against thee shall fall for thy sake.


"Behold, I have created the smith that bloweth the coals in the fire, and that bringeth forth an instrument for his work; and I have created the waster to destroy.


"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD." (Is 54:14-17)

I could not keep myself from weeping even as I wrote this out again.

It's like Jesus is saying, "Mary, I am your Husband. Look to Me. I love you. Listen to my promises, they are true! Look at the rainbow and be assured that I am not angry with you anymore. For a brief moment I hid My face from you, but I have drawn you back with EVERLASTING LOVE because you are Mine. Don't be afraid of the devil so much, because I created the "waster to destroy", he listens to Me and cannot do anything except I allow it. All those who judge you can be condemned, because your righteousness is of Me."

He isn't just my Husband though- He's your Husband too. He loves you so much... look at the rainbow, His mercies are new every morning.

sinking!!!

there are days... when i am so close to Jesus that I know if He asked me to come out of the boat onto the water I would go.

today, well today is not one of those days.

tonight, i am crying and eating cookies. cuz i'm so frustrated.

i'm not good at keeping secrets, or being something i'm not.

this is me:

open.

honest.

crazy.

loving.

real.

i'm not perfect tho. i'm obsessive, i'm bitchy at moments, i'm selfish- the list goes on...

i am loved perfectly. which is good, cuz i'm sinking and if Jesus didn't love me, He'd stand there on the waves, and watch me sinking and say, "Sheesh Mary, why didn't you trust Me?" And walk away.

NO! He's here, sitting beside me as i munch on milano cookies and tell Him that tonight, I'm frustrated. I'm thankful He's here, that He loves me enough to listen to my selfish complaints.
He doesn't say, "You don't have a husband because you're not loveable."
Whoa, whoa... no that'd be the devil...
Jesus says, "Mary, you don't have a husband because every man out there, no matter how good and how holy- will fail you. Let Me be your Husband, I will never fail you. I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Ok, this is a huge struggle for me, (all of you honest single people can raise your hand if it's you too...) BUT i know when we die we aren't given in marriage, there's no men or womenn- we are glorious spiritual beings who are the Bride of Christ.
Frankly, i'm kinda relieved. I'd like a break from this!

My truest fantasy... is to rest with Jesus in the bottom of the boat while the storm is raging. Just be there with Him and to know He can rebuke all those waves, and He loves me so much He'll let me rest there with him.
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.
"Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6,7
 
Instead of worrying, I need to constantly thank my sweet Jesus for how much He loves me and all that He saved me from.
 
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Phil. 4:8
 
I may be sinking... but Jesus is standing right there and when I cry out, "Lord, save me!" He reaches out His hand and mercifully pulls me out of the water. Thank You Jesus, for pulling me out of many waters and not letting me drown.

"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters." Psalm 18:16