the year of change

(A letter mostly to myself...)

The Year of Change

New beginnings spring up just as the summer flowers begin to fade and the first few frosts cover the windshield of my small, silver, worn out car. I can almost hear my car sigh out as I open the door and throw in book bag and diaper bag, my lunch and my son's lunch. My car is weary, but has not given up yet. Yesterday I chose to fill my water bottle with water instead of juice, which was a good thing, since my poor, weak old car ended up needing a drink before we were even 5 minutes down the road. I wish I had more time and money to help this old car, but I only have so much. Removing the dusty lid of the coolant tank, I poor the water in to quench the thirst of my tired car and give it a pat and say thank you for bringing me this far. I hope you are able to finish this journey with me, but I do not know if that is what will be, after all, this is the year of change.
Hope like an autumn flower beats within my chest and wakes me up at night, what a sweet reason not to sleep! Remembering the passion that burned deep from years ago, passion hotter than the ice, hot enough to melt the snow. Not a lustful passion, one that burns brighter and deeper than sensuality could ever go, I remember what it means to love, to have compassion. This is what I was made for! Not to chide, not to chasten, not to instruct and toot my own horn, but to lean over to those who need a gentle touch, and gently, genuinely, work in geriatrics. What if this were my mother? This could be my father... this could someday be me. If my brain ends up twisted, warped, aged, malfunctioned, due to over use over the years- would anyone love me? Wipe away waste, snot and tears? Not cringing at my lack of teeth or the snarl I could not control, would someone stroke my hand, and look deep into my soul? What nurses are out there who LOVE their patients? What nurses out there who care? This is a call to those who work in the medical field, our mission should be clear. It could be you, you never know, just what curve balls life will throw. Be thankful for the things you have, small, silver, worn out car and beautiful innocent children.
You never know what tomorrow brings, so bring what you can to tomorrow and have compassion for each other's sorrows. Let us remember why we chose to put our hands to this type of work, I pray it was for more than monetary gain, I hope it was because we know that this world is full of pain. If we can ease that pain in others, then we have accomplished the purpose, the call in our hearts that brought us to where we are now.
So saddle up your small, silver worn out car, be thankful it's taken you this far, and get ready for the year of change.

old song of mine :)

I don't have much time, like 10 minutes so please excuse any typos, but I found a song I had written a long time ago and it touched my heart. I don't know when I wrote it since it's not dated, but I remember writing it.

Here it is:

Dream
When I was little, I built up a dream,
Like bare feet kicking in a cool stream.
He would be handsome and tall,
He'd be strong, he'd love God, he would have it all.
My prince charming, my knight in shining armor,
He'd be romantic, not dramatic, someone I could care for.
As I grew older I became afraid,
That this I had made,
Was far too grand, my request far too tall,
So I planned to change it a little, but not all.
He didn';t have to understand my poetic, artistic side,
It may important to me, but I let it slide.
Like bare feet kicking against an empty stream,
This was my wish, this was my dream.
My bare feet kicking against the stones,
But if I'm too picky, I'll end up alone.
More and more, I took parts of my dream away,
He didn't have to be tall, or look a certain way,
He didn't need to be gentle when he spoke,
He didn't need patience, all men are provoked,
He didn't need to be a gentleman,
He didn't to fight for my affection.
Like bare feet kicking in an empty stream,
This is my wish, this is my dream.
Bare feet kicking against the stones,
But if I'm too picky I'll end up alone.
Before I knew it, this dream had come true,
A man that fit my new dream came through,
He said he loved, he swore that he cared,
Our deepest thoughts and emotions we shared.
Barefeet kicking in an empty stream,
This is my wish? This is my dream?
I kicked and kicked, hoping the water would come,
The pain so strong, my feet became number,
My ankles, bleeding, raw and sore,
And then he decided not to speak to me anymore.
In His mercy, Jesus scooped me up into His arms and bandaged up my feet,
He help my close, showered my ankles with kisses, oh so soft and sweet,
He walked me from the empty stream I'd wanted so long to be filled,
To the shore of a grand ocean, blue, calm and stilled.
The sun rising, what will come in this new day?
Will me feet ever heal? Has He brought me here to stay?
Yet I am in His arms still, as the sky begins to light,
In my Jesus' arms, held close and tight,
I realize it's not the ocean, or it's sparkling waves that I love,
It's my Jesus holding me so tender, that I've been dreaming of.
My Jesus is more than the ocean, so wide and so full,
He holds this ocean in His hand, He causes its gentle lull,
I will look to this ocean and enjoy the view,
And wherever You bring me from here, my Jesus, I love you.

trust and obey

when God says, "let go" and you are sure that you already have it figured out, it's not easy to loosen your grip and trust. when God stands closely next to you and whispers, "move..." and all you want to do is stay, it is not easy to obey.
but when we obey, when we trust- then God can intervene and do what He had been wanting to do all along. I have never been good at stepping aside, letting go and obeying God, especially when it is something intertwined in my heart, something that has become a part of me. To tear it from my heart and lay it before God is no easy request, but almost at the very second i laid it down, He swooped in with His angels and picked it up and did so much more than I ever could have, He also wrapped His arms around me so tight while I cried and cried and reassured me that He was big enough to take care of everything. It's like as soon as I got out of the way God was able to work- I have never seen that before. I've also never FULLY obeyed Him. I also have realized through spending time in His Word how much I have to learn, like talking about people behind their backs. Ummmmm, YEAH. So, so, so guilty of that, you don't even realize you're saying something bad until you think about what that person would think and feel if they were in the room. I know a few people who are VERY good at speaking their mind to people and not gossiping, but I would prefer to avoid confrontation and gossip. Not very Christ-like if you ask me. I thought all I would need to do to be walking perfectly with Him was this one big thing, then I realized how much I still have to work on. basically i wanted to put out a praise, that God is doing something huge all around and inside of me and I am in complete and total awe. I also wanted to remind people that I am human, that I am flawed and still working on following God and I do not think that I'm better than anyone. Not even kind of sorta! This is the first time in a long time that I have obeyed God oh and trusting Him is something I have to work on ALL THE TIME.
Okay, Dominic is up and wants some attention. I love all of you and I'm excited to see what the future holds!

Progress

I haven't smoked a full cigarette in almost two weeks. I had half a cig last week on Monday, and a drag on Sunday of this week but that has been it since Friday the 13th. Pleasantly ironic? I think so!
School has been a little overwhelming lately as some of you may have seen on my Facebook. I emailed my teacher and she is letting me turn in assignments that I missed and giving me partial credit for them and my friend from Mission church Kara is helping me study for the final tomorrow. *whew* What a relief!
I have A's in all of my other classes thankfully, and hopefully I can bring this other one up to a B.
I have been dating Jesse Fox since June 8th and was officially dubbed his girlfriend July 15th, right after I almost broke up with (even changed my fb status!) because he'd made it sound like he would never claim me as his girlfriend. THANK GOODNESS for communication. We walked down to a grassy plateau at the end of my street, you can see the old mill and all of the mountains; the sun was setting in a beautiful golden orange. The only other time that I have gone to that plateau was when I was pregnant with Dominic. It was my thinking spot where I made important decisions about keeping and raising Dominic. I have never brought any guy/man there. I'm glad we went, it was a good place to talk through every little uncertainty each of us had and what it meant to be "boyfriend and girlfriend". I will spare you the gushy details but he has been more than true to his word. He promised that this was not a meaningless relationship to him and that he would invest time into it. He has since stopped by to surprise me multiple times, and calls me every now and then during the week. I was not expecting that at all!! I was very surprised when he was willing to listen to me and compromise.
That is all going tolerably well still, Jesse works during the week, I go to school and take care of Dominic, and on the weekends (I still have to take care of Dominic) we get to spend some time together.
During the week I have been trying to implement mealtimes. Structured, sit-down, mealtimes. Providing fruits AND veggies, whole grain, dairy and protein. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Who in their right mind would have thought that doing this was such a huge undertaking?!?!?! I have been able to do almost every meal but I am still struggling to get him to choke down those veggies. Unless they're tomatoes and green beans, so for now, that is what his portion of veggies consists of.
I have noticed that the more I have sit-down meals the more he complies to it, I know he needs this structure and I'm glad that I'm trying to implement it now BEFORE I start going to school for my CNA Certification this fall.
I applied for a low-income grant that I'm hoping to get to help cover babysitter costs during fall term, I'll be going to class 5 days a week all day every day. YAY!! Really crossing my fingers that I get this grant because I do not know how I would get a babysitter(s) for free for all the time I'm gonna be in class.
Last night I woke up at 4am feeling completely overwhelmed by life, I wished and prayed for some escape. When I woke up I realized that there is no escape, no vacation from life and all of its responsibilities. I've been struggling with some severe anxiety this year, but I will not succumb to it- giving up is not an option. Today after learning how behind I was in a class I completed three full assignments I was behind on, on top of ACING a midterm and completing 2/3 of my LIB 127 homework. Take that self-destructive impulses, I may get stressed and become forgetful but I will not let that part of me dictate and destroy my future.
Ahem, I still have a few hoops to jump through before the CNA class begins, vaccinations, criminal background check, nursing orientation, etc. Then I get to begin studying for the TEAS test, which is what I really need to ace.
My grandpa Web has been babysitting Dominic Mon/Wed mornings and it is the biggest blessing in the world to see Dominic spend time at the same house I went to as a kid. Dominic is so smart and knows which days he goes to Great Grandpa. And on the days that he knows he gets to see his Great Grandpa... he lights up and asks, "Big Papa?" Then he runs to the door when we finally get there, oh man, it is the best feeling in the world to see my son spending time with my Grandpa.
Dominic is also getting really used to having Nolan live with us; I'm afraid Dominic will be devastated when my brother moves out, but there's not much I can do about it now except explain that Nolan is just an uncle not a dad. Try explaining that to a 2-year old, psssh, good luck!
I'm surprised you read all of that nonsense crazy! Thanks to all of my friends and family who read these updates and respond with comments and prayers and loving thoughts.

~ Mary ~

Reasons why I ENJOY quitting

Okay so I've made a list of reasons why I should quit but now that I've made it since Tuesday and only smoked a total of 4 cigarettes (better than my 10-15 a day) I've decided to list reasons why I enjoy quitting, that way when I am tempted to pick up a cigarette I'll remember things that I could be doing instead and why i ENJOY them MORE than smoking.

1. I LOVE taking walks with Dominic, we will walk for 1-2 hours at a time, leisurely looking at plants growing along the different paths we take, explaining to him all the different things we see. I love lifting him up on my shoulders to see mountains, the river, or the cars racing under the overpass. I've never felt more relaxed or calm than when I am on a walk with my son. SOOOOOOO much more enjoyable and rewarding than cancer-causing cigarettes!

2. I love inhaling and exhaling fresh air without feeling tired, walking for hours without getting winded

3. I love smelling GOOD, no smoke in my hair, on my skin, clothes, face, Dominic likes snuggling much more now I've noticed and gives me lots of kisses

4. I love the freedom of not needing to have cigarettes or a lighter on my at all times

5. Everything tastes and smells better and I feel better, mentally, emotionally and physically. Not smoking makes me realize how strong I am mentally and emotionally and how many people out there love and support me. It has been a very positive experience!

6. I love brushing my teeth and smelling how clean my hands are, and knowing that my teeth are going to stay clean, or getting out of the shower and knowing that I will smell clean ALL DAY.

Okay, those are the reasons I can think of off the top of my head, but I know there are more. Thanks again to everyone who has been encouraging me and praying for me, I know that there are a lot of you, you guys rock!

Update :)

             For those kind souls who have been rooting for me to quit smoking cigarettes   THANK YOU! Every time I check my Facebook and see all the encouraging comments I remember that I am doing this for lots and lots of good reasons. I did smoke one cigarette earlier this evening but that is all I've smoked in the past two days... I'm hoping to be completely done by the end of the week.

             I found out that I did in fact get all A's this term- this is the first term of 12 credits that I managed to get ALL A's in! I usually get two A's and a B+ so this is a big deal for me, I worked really hard and am so glad I was able to accomplish this.  Now all I have left for school is to,
1. Get my CPR certification
2. Get my CNA certification
3. Pass the TEAS test
4. Apply to the nursing program in spring 2013
Since I drank coffee to curb my nicotine craving, I am going to tell all of you lovely people my tentative plan on how I am going to accomplish those 4 things.
First of all, I owe back utilities, have to pay car insurance, get eye contacts, pay money to get my CPR certification since I need that to do the CNA certification this fall, blah, blah, blah, and this term I get less financial aid AND I can't do work study up at the college for extra income. SO- I am going to try to get a job for the summer. I will get my CNA-1 certificate fall term and my CNA-2 certificate winter term. I can then work as a CNA-2, take the TEAS test, apply and pray that I get into the nursing program. I'm debating applying to the nursing program in Portland as well as here in Bend, but even my adviser said it would be best if I could stay where I have a support group.
I agree, especially since my support group is so awesome. (AKA you people who have read this far! WOOO!!! I love you guys!!!! I could not do all that I do without having so many people rooting me on, praying for me, and encouraging me every step of the way. Thank you.)
         
           Dominic is getting enormous, as you may have seen on my Facebook he got his first bike, which he loves. I need to start potty training him, which will be difficult since I will hopefully be working this summer, but we'll work on it these next two weeks and see what we can do to get him started in the right direction. I'm kinda bummed that I have to work and miss out on spending time with Dominic, especially since this fall and winter term will be ridiculous... He's growing up so fast and it feels like I never spend enough quality time with him. I wish I had a clone that could go to school and work for me so I could stay home and enjoy my son and make sure that he is being raised right. I know that I am my most severe critic, but no matter what any of my friends try to tell me, material wealth is NOT as important as time with my son. He doesn't need fancy things, all that matters are that his basic needs are met (which I have been doing), beyond that he needs his MOM more than nice clothes, more toys or a bigger house.
           Unfortunately I don't know that I can meet those basic needs without a job this summer, even with school loans/grants and borrowing money from my parents, (my absolute favorite thing to do, sigh) it's really frustrating.   Please pray that I can get a job! The state will help with daycare if I'm working 20+ hours a week, let's hope I find something soon.
          Remarkably I have run out of things to write about, but not energy. I best try and sleep since I am working tomorrow, I hope you all have a lovely day. Keep it real folks, keep it real. 
  

Reasons to NOT SMOKE

Okay, I'm posting this here so that I can look back on it and remember all of the reasons why I made the choice to quit smoking cigarettes, that and i'm running out of activities to keep my mind off of smoking so I'm going to do this, I think it will help.

Reasons Why I Choose to Quit Smoking

1. I do not want Dominic to smoke later in life
2. I cannot afford any extra expenses, especially ones that are detrimental to my health
3. I hate smelling like smoke all the time
4. I hate the way my mouth and throat feel after smoking
5. I hate being dependent on cigarettes for stress relief
6. I hate being a disappointment to my friends and family
7. I enjoy smelling good
8. I have more energy to go on long walks
9. I don't get winded when I walk up hills
10. I'll have more money for important things like diapers and gas and be less of a drain on everyone
11. I will be a more reputable health care worker as a non-smoker by practicing what I preach
12. I will be at a lower risk for stroke
13. Lower risk for heart disease
14. Lower risk for osteroporosis
15. Lower risk for hypertension
16. Lower risk for lung, throat and mouth cancer
17. Lower risk of all cause mortality
18. My hair will smell good again
19. I won't be embarrassed by someone catching me in the act of smoking a cigarette if I never smoke at all
20. I will set a good example for my son
21. It will be one less thing to stress about, feel guilty about and talk about; one less burden in my life