Your Love

I was gonna wait to post this, to make sure everyone had read my blog from last night, so STOP if you have not read my previous blog posted at 12am this morning please do so before reading the following song, because it'll make much more sense if you do.

Your Love

Jesus Your love is amazing,

You never stopped loving me. (2x)

You heard me as I was crying,

You heard all my prayers and my sighing,

And though I am least deserving,

You still comforted me,

He comforts me,

My Jesus comforts me.

Like as a Father pities His Child,

You are the Great I am, yet tender and mild.

The Almighty God stooped to hold me tight,

The King of kings, stayed my fears that night.

(Chorus)

You saw me as I was dying,

You saw all the vain in all my trying,

And though I am least deserving,

You saved me,

He saves me,

My Jesus saves me.

He holds all my tears in a bottle,

He holds my heart in His hand,

And though my life is but a vapor,

Just a grain of sand,

He died to pay for my sin.

(Chorus)

You saw through all my lying,
You saw all the truth I was denying,
And though I am least deserving,
He loved me,
He loves me,
My Jesus loves me.

Though my sins were as crimson,
You make me white as snow,
Though I'd been trapped by my fears,
I watch as You make them go.
(Chorus) 

the ugly truth

I am afraid of disappointing you
I am afraid you'll know who I really am
I am afraid you'll see my failures, past and present and turn away in disgust
I am afraid I will fail
I am afraid you'll realize that i am a game player
i am afraid you will see my sin, all the disgusting things I have done to please myself and that you will run in the opposite direction or tell me to never speak to you again.

I know ALL the right things to say and that scares me because i can look you in the eye and convince you that I am okay spiritually; that I am strong, happy and brilliant when really i am a lying, miserable, greedy, selfish human who does what is best for me.

Thankfully, you're my dad. You told me that God helped you through the same stuff, the EXACT same stuff that I'm going through right now. You told me that even though it feels futile, to not give up. Besides, I was honest with you, and finally i'm making a step in the right direction. You know that I BS people and myself because I'm scared that I'll lose them. I know that I've let God down. He's done everything for me and I have run away and hid from Him because I'm ashamed and I don't know how to get up. The thing is, tonight I realized out of all of these friends that I have bullshitted so efficiently, not a one knows me, knows the real me. The ugly me. We all have an ugly side, that part we bury down so deep we think maybe it's gone, maybe it never existed, but when it rears its ugly head we realize how alone we really are. Not because people didn't want to get close, but because we didn't let them get close. I'm alone because I was scared to be honest, with anyone. I would be honest in little bits and pieces, but living a double life is what i do best. It's who I am, but you know that. You're my dad. You've done the same thing. You've said all the right words to all the right people even while you're cringing inside as you speak, knowing you're heart is so far from the things coming out of your mouth.

The thing that I hate to think about the most, is that I've let Him down, you know, Jesus. I have even come to the point where if I died today and saw Jesus and He told me i didn't make it in, I would understand. He is right and I love Him. It doesn't make sense, maybe it's because my heart has believed so many lies... you understand that too, don't you?

What amazes me is that while I was sitting on the floor crying because I feel so completely trapped in my sin, I cried out to Him, to Jesus, and told Him I needed so desperately for someone to talk to, someone who understood how trapped and frustrated and hopeless I feel. Someone who not only understood but who could help, and who would've thunk it Dad, he brought me you. He also brought me Pete... who is like a second dad. Okay i'm officially the luckiest girl EVER to have two father figures who have not given up on me even though they know what a complete hypocritical failure i am.

A lot of kids don't know their dads, some have abusive dads or ones that are barely around. Not you, Dad. Even in all your imperfection, you love Jesus and when you called me about the laundry and heard me crying, you knew just what to say and not because you were saying what I wanted to hear, but because you've been through this yourself.

Being honest and vulnerable is the most terrifying thing in the world, and I am so blessed to have a dad who understands, and a God who cared enough to get my dad to pick up the phone and call me. I have believed for so long that I was Esau; that God had given up on me, but after you and Pete talked to me, I'm beginning to see that maybe God never gave up on me, I just got tricked into thinking He did. So Dad, this is what I'm gonna do: Before I go making radical changes and try to go be super righteous and above all my sin, I'm gonna start reminding myself every day that God made me, called me, and has not once EVER given up on me. If He had, then why would you have called? Why would Pete have been online and talk to me even though it has literally been almost a decade since we've had a heart-to-heart?
It is completely undeserved, yet Jesus never stopped loving me. He NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME. I want to scream it out loud until it gets from my head into my heart. Thank you Jesus, for never giving up on me. You are truly beyond what I can even describe. Thank You... Thank You.

Sun Shine Again

The best part about this song, is that as I was playing the final note, it began to snow.

Sun Shine Again

Winter and rain,

Oh sun please shine again,

I don't know how much more I can bear,

Oh sun what are you doing up there?

Snow and ice I feel,

Your cold breath is far too real.

I don't know how much more I can face,

Or how much more pain my heart can embrace

Oh sun please shine again,

Melt all the snow and disappointment

I've been trying to brave this storm,

But I'm dying to once more feel warm.

My soul is covered in snow,

Oh sun where did you go?

What did I do,

To so anger you?

The cold wind blows all around,

I'm sitting here, freezing on the ground

I can't move, can't even breathe,

Oh sun won't you make the winter leave?

Sun shine again (x3)

Melt these icicles off of my skin

Help!

This song has been stuck in my head and before reading any further please listen to it



I have been so down lately and i do appreciate all the people who have stood by and helped me along the way. I never used to need anybody's help (pre-Dominic) or at least i thought that i didn't need anybody's help. Now that money is always tight and i'm always stressed and worried I need help from so many people and amazingly people keep helping me. My sister Katie is the best at pushing me through the door when i want to be recluse and cry all my troubles away and my sister Joanna is the best listener when i begin to share my "verbal vomit" and my parents are AWESOME sounding boards when I'm making important decisions about my living situation, disciplining Dominic, school, and relationships. They have also sacrificed their time on a regular basis to babysit Dominic so that I can continue my education. My brother Nolan may vex me at times, but he loves Dominic so much and also helps babysit on a regular basis.
I cannot even begin to describe the extended family i have found at Mission church and even though i've been hiding from them i know they're still praying for me. My extended family goes beyond that to so many people that I have known for years and years and even through all of my ups and downs are still here cheering and praying for me. You know who you are!!! (Chelsea Z., Joanna Stoops, Sarah Klacik... though i think that's your maiden name now!! CRAZY! and many, many more)

This blog is a quick thank you to everyone of you who has not given up on me, who has stood by my side through thick and thin, supported me with your love, time, finances, prayers and friendship. I am so glad that when I start singing, "HELP!" I have a family and extended family that comes running to my side.
Love you all so very much, oh and Dominic says hello. He has a little cold but otherwise is doing wonderfully and saying so many new words! Take care and know that if you ever need me I'm just a song away.

recognizing the obvious

I'm a single mom. I don't really like identifying myself as this but now that it's been almost two years i think i'm finally able to realize that there is no knight in shining armor and i may be doing this alone for awhile.

Dominic turns 2 on Friday, i had told everyone that as soon as he turned 2 i would start potty training. I got the pull ups, have been browsing training toilets asking him to tell me when i poops (he can sign and say "poop"!) and teaching him to pull his pants up and take them off. If i have had this set in my mind to do then why am i so unsure now that Friday is only three days away??

My brother Nolan agreed to help teach Dominic how to pee but I don't think that'll come til Dominic can sit on the potty and go at the appropriate time. I don't know the first thing about starting this or how to get him to actually PEE on a little toilet.

Chemistry starts in 20 minutes so I better hurry and finish getting ready... love you all!

defeated

disclaimer: mom, dad, grandpa and others who get uncomfortable when i write about one of the most prominent sins that my generation deals with, be forewarned, i am once again going to write about sex.
 
for many people, abstinence is something that they believe very strongly in. for a lot of those people it comes relatively easy, people who have had either little to no sexual experience tend to find it easier to be abstinent, i know this from personal experience to be true.
Not to say that those people are never tempted, but once a person gives in to the same sin, over and over and over and over... the harder it is for that person to break free.
i am one of those people who has a tough time breaking free.

there are countless reasons to have premarital sex:
loneliness
stress
hopelessness
lust
defeat
confusion
a feeling of helpless and despair

boredom
curiosity
pride
anger
rebellion
selfishness
bitterness
apathy
ignorance

These are just a few things i can think of off the top of my head... now the root cause for giving in to the temptation of fornication is simply this:
not giving those things over to God

even though i gave my sexual sin over to God, repented and turned away, i held onto the things that caused me to fall in the first place. Loneliness, a feeling of helpless and despair, lust, hopelessness, confusion, stress beyond my ability to carry etc...

if I had immediately given these things to God, laid them at His feet and recognized their destructive power, perhaps I would not be sitting here feeling so completely ridiculous and ashamed.
what made me want to turn away? was it something that was too much for me to handle that God could not provide a way for escape? No. Nothing is. Unfortunately I was blind to all of the precursors of sin. Holding onto stress is the biggest thing... it doesn't seem like a blatant sin but it is. Not trusting God with our lives is what draws us away. Thinking that we know what to do with our lives more than God does, that our plan is better than His, is very dangerous. in fact, it was the downfall of an infamous angel, who we all now know as Satan.

This is my latest discovery and I think it may be a crucial one. If i want to stay abstinent, to live holy and blameless in His eyes, to pursue God with all that I am- I have to give Him everything, even things that don't seem to matter. It's the little things we love holding onto that are our downfall. for if we are holding on to anything other God, when we stumble, our hands will be full of little, itty-bitty things that we cherish. Nothing but Christ has any foundation. When we stumble and are holding onto anything other than Christ- we fall. We will fall if we hold onto our lust, our stress, our pride, independence, feelings of superiority, hopelessness, confusion. Many of us enjoy those things, or feel the need to hold onto them.

"let go to be held up child"

this is what needs to happen before we can truly be free.

Facebook and anger

My friend Kara had this as her status today:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that." -Martin Luther King Jr.

It's very fitting since it is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but it also brings up something that I posted on facebook yesterday. David Hastings was Dominic's alleged father and paternity tests showed that he is in fact not at all related to Dominic. David decided to message me on facebook and rub this in my face, knowing full well that this means the man who is my son's father is well, a horrible man. In fact, Dominic's conception was not consensual and it is the reason I told everyone that David was his father. There was a 50/50 chance that it was David or the man who forced me and it was easier than telling someone all the uncomfortable gory details. David knew about this and did not care, did not even flinch. He dragged the testing out, we could have done it immediately after Dominic was born, I told him I would even pay for half of it. He told me that I was a money-hungry evil person and refused. Afraid to go after the other person I did all the paperwork to get a DNA test from David.
I hope you can all understand my anger and frustration when receiving the message from David, saying, "TESTS SHOW THAT I AM NOT YOUR KIDS FATHER stay out of my life"
He might as well have come over and spat in my face.
Should I return evil with evil? Probably not, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness..."
However, I am not perfect. "Be angry and sin not, do not let the sun go down on your anger." (Ephesians 4:26) God knows how frail we are and that there are things in our lives that will make us angry, it's what we do with our anger that matters. Yes, I said some mean things about David and I'm not justifying those things- I'm saying that I'm a sinner by nature and when someone does something so incredibly hurtful it is difficult not to respond.

I have been thinking a lot about life in general, about all the ugly hateful things that are out there. I have encountered some of those things, I have endured some of those things, but at this moment I am free from them. I have a house, family and friends who love me, food, a bed, comfy slippers- I am very blessed. Even though Dominic will never know his biological father and even though I have no idea how to answer his questions (this is not an invitation to tell me what to say, it's a very personal delicate matter) but we are taken care of and for that I am thankful.
Am I still angry at David? No, he isn't worth the time or energy. He is a man, full of faults and failings, and his actions are not punishment from God. They are simply the actions of a man fallen from grace- and quite frankly, no woman deserves to be belittled and insulted like that, I doubt that God is smiling down saying, "This is what Mary deserves that's why it happened..." Far from it! I believe God's heart is breaking over the loss my son and I have, the loss of a father. Even though his biological father is not dead, he may as well be. He is a danger and threat to us and I cannot pursue it any further. We are grieving right now and to spit on our grief is infuriating, I pray God can forgive me for being so angry with David and that my heart can learn to let go and forgive. If my facebook offended anyone I apologize and have already removed the post.
I know you all love me and want what's best for me...
Dominic is very sick right now and needs your prayers. Thank you.