speechless

speechless

(ironic because this is a really, really long blog entry!)

i'm at a loss for words- and for the those of you who know me that's a rare thing!

my son's heart is broken- which means so is mine.

the nations' heart is broken over the innocent lives lost.

and honestly, i am such a tender person, this breaks my heart so deeply... it's something most people don't "get" about me- when i hear about a little 2 year old girl being raped or someone in another country being viciously tortured- i WEEP, i beg God to intervene and shew His righteous power.

Lately though, Job and I have recently been saying very similar things- which isn't actually a great thing.

God has been doing some awesome things in my life as many of you know, "this poor girl cried and the Lord heard her and delivered her out of all her troubles." Psalm 34:6 (i changed the "he's" to "she's" because i really felt like God spoke this to me tonight)

but, at the same time, I look around and i see all of this pain and suffering and i'm with Job saying, 

"Why do the wicked live on,
    growing old and increasing in power?.. Their houses are safe from fear, neither is the rod of God upon them..." and even "their children dance..."! 

Basically Job and I are like, HEY! Where is God's judgement? Where His righteous indignation and squishing of evil people who persecute the innocent? I don't get it? I just don't get it! 
Then Elihu jumps in and looks at us and says,

8 "But you (Job) have said in my hearing-- I heard the very words-- 9 'I am pure and without sin; I am clean and free from guilt. 10 Yet God has found fault with me; he considers me his enemy. 11 He fastens my feet in shackles; he keeps close watch on all my paths.' 12 "But I tell you, in this you are not right, for God is greater than man. 13 Why do you complain to him that he answers none of man's words ?"

He goes on and on and then on a little bit more... very poetically stating God's authority and pretty much says, "Who are you to say God did this wickedness?" (Job 34:10) He also points out that God is so much more majestic and glorious and powerful than we are and in fact, if God wants to stop talking to us, there isn't much we can do about it.

"When he is quiet, who can condemn?

    When he hides his face, who can behold him,

    whether it be a nation or a man?" Job 34:29

Okay, okay, all the cream puff Christians are cringing- but WOW- Elihu makes a good point. Were we there when God laid the foundations of the earth? Who are we to say, "Hey God i've been noticing the way You've been doing things and I'd like to add my two cents." Yeeeeeeeeeeeah, not so smart. I think for a long time I was really stubborn and proud and like, "Life isn't fair, i don't get it. I don't like it, I don't want to look at it and understand why God lets this happen!" So then God has me read Job. Interesting... isn't it?

So I call my dad and I tell him all of this and I'm like, "Wow, God is super big and I'm super puny and who was I to ever open my mouth against the way He does what He does!?" 

My dad over the phone says, "Job is one of my favorites but, Mary, read Ephesians. I don't want you to get discouraged by only reading in the old testament- don't forget about the promises for those in Christ." 

So i flip over to Ephesians and BAM! There is the greatness of God AGAIN only now it's being shown through His... well... just read this: 

"(4)He (God/Jesus) chose us in Him (Jesus) before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love... (7) In whom WE HAVE REDEMPTION THROUGH HIS BLOOD, the FORGIVENESS OF SINS, according to the RICHES of His grace." Eph. 1:4 & 7

Sorry I had to bold all of that because to me the Holy Spirit is shaking me up inside and opening my eyes to the wonder of all of this... HE CHOSE US BEFORE THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLD!!!!!!! Can we please just dance and cheer and pop some champagne? Because- WOW!

I totally forgot how big my God is... I took Him so for granted. I am just... amazed. He loves ME? What? Really? Crazy. 

Now... back to my little one, sleeping peacefully in his bed. He has no earthly dad to speak of... none that will claim him- but my God is not just this distant POWERFUL God who holds the lightening, snow, hail, and all of creation in His hands... but He is also the Father to the fatherless... that would be my boy. Which means MY GOD is wrapping my baby in His Holy Spirit right now, comforting him.
My boy, all day, was so saddened to learn he had no earthly father that he could see or feel or see- but

because of JESUS my Mediator, I can plead the blood of Jesus and ask the Ancient of Days to not forget His promise to be a Father to the fatherless, and to be near to my baby. 

Just sayin', my God is unspeakably wonderful beyond any possible earthly expression of praise. He is worthy of our lives, our praise, our adoration, our love, our hearts, our souls... He is worthy.

i could keep going on, like how we are seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus. Wait, WHAT? Oh man. I'm glad that I took the time to pick up my Bible tonight- and I'm so glad that my Jesus lives.

Giving praise where praise is due

Today I was listening to Air1 and I heard what Brant said on the radio: "Be Reckless with Your Money" and i REFUSE to keep my mouth shut- God is so good to those who put their whole trust in Him. You all know that I'm a single mom going to school full time to become a nurse. My car broke three weeks ago (flat tire) and then I found out it needed parts (ball joints and rack bushings). My boyfriend Jesse graciously paid for the parts and repairs. once those were put in I got another flat tire which led to needing tires. ($125) and I still needed to get the darn thing aligned. (another $60)
At this point i was literally, not figuratively, SCREAMING at God to help because I was so completely broke. I had no idea where to get the $125, and even if I had it how to get the tires. I had been angry at Him and hadn't prayed in months and as a testimony to HIS GREATNESS and HIS MERCY and HIS LOVE He gave me the "Panic Attack Poem" that I posted a few days ago.
It just so happened that I had stowed away just enough Christmas money to buy the tires and still pay for getting the tires mounted and balanced (another $35) and getting the car aligned. Sadly my car was on a spare, not aligned and the tires were in Redmond.
I asked a friend to bring me to the store so I could buy pull ups, when I filled her in on all the details she volunteered to and did in fact drive to Redmond and picked up the tires for me. What a blessing! But it didn't stop there...
That Wednesday before Thanksgiving, with a teary smile, I brought my car to the one place who could get it aligned before Thursday. The guys aligning it and "found" a broken coil spring and asked for a $500 repair. I was upset but honestly, I didn't care too much, I knew that God had heard me and I trusted Him. The next day I was given $200 by someone who was told by God to give me that amount. The following day (Black Friday, the most thankless day of the year) the place agreed to repair my car FOR FREE so long as I paid for the $30 part.

The tires, alignment and parts all equaled $250. That same day one of my friends told me she wanted to give me $100 for Christmas presents for my 2 year old son. Oh and another friend of mine had given me a good amount of $$ in gas cards... all in all to say that:

GOD TAKES CARE OF HIS CHILDREN.

So, when I went to church for the first time in months and God laid an amount on my heart to give, I gave it. When I saw a "single mom of 2 year old" on the side of the street asking for money, I gave to her what God laid on my heart to give, out of what He had given me. After all, can we claim what we have in our possession as OURS? Who enabled us to breathe? Who allowed our hearts and lungs and body to function properly so that we could go to work and earn money?
I did the math and God laid on my heart to give away just $10 shy of what I had "gained", so, I actually ended up with $10 more than what I had started with even after giving back to Him... go figure, huh?

If God has put it on your heart to give then GIVE and GIVE LIBERALLY!!!! Trust Him, He hears His children when they cry and if He doesn't use you to give then I guarantee that He will find someone else to fill that need because He is a good God. 

Choose to be blessed by obeying your Father in heaven as He leads you to give. I have to say that it isn't reckless to give liberally, it is reckless to rely on your flesh and to trust in material possessions that will eventually rot away and perish. It is 100% Responsible to trust the One who owns "the cattle upon a thousand hills". (Psalm 50:10)

"And call upon Me in the day of trouble: I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me." Psalm 50:15

Panic Attack Poem

Something many of you may not know is that I have been diagnosed several times by medical professionals as having PTSD, anxiety and depression. I have struggled immensely with these diagnoses and have been immensely ashamed, guilt ridden and trapped by fear. I began seeking help when I found myself having panic attacks multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times in a day. Trauma causes what is called complex PTSD which causes panic attacks, disassociation and avoidance. Disassociation means that I will black things out of my memory permanently so that I do not have to be traumatized over and over again, however, constantly blocking memories and not processing painful experiences often leads to panic attacks. I have been working to face some of my memories little by little, and in the midst of this was at war with myself and God- today I finally screamed for help during a panic attack and help came from many, many avenues. When driving home tonight I felt another panic attack set on, I began to pray and immediately felt the presence of the Lord wash over me. My close friends know how angry I've been with God, how hurt I've been by Christians not understanding my diagnoses, and how hesitant I've been to humble myself before God. I am not perfect and I am a work in progress- but on the way home from my cancelled swim class, this song came to me. I hope you all are encouraged, challenged and motivated to be open and bare before your Maker by what He gave me to write:

Panic Attack Poem

I feel the pressure wrap around my heart,

Rip through my life and tear me apart,

I feel the devils feet stand on my chest,

His fingers shred through my brain so I can't rest-

Condemned to live with anxiety and depression,

Sent me spinning into regression,

So angry I let my pride

Take me on a downhill ride

Told myself I was strong,

They had it all wrong.

Til my world came crashing down,

Falling all around,

Til I was screaming for help,

Screaming, felt like no one could hear me.

I was screaming, screaming...

Every memory that's been lost in the blackest void,

Torn away and destroyed,

Every thought I can't remember, You hold each in Your hand

You were there when it happened and You, YOU understand.

I know I've been wrong,

I know I'm not that strong,

I was furiously writhing against the One who formed me in my mother's womb,

The one who will gather my soul from my ashen tomb,

Kicking and cursing away the One who bled out naked and tortured on a tree,
The One who went to hell and ransomed me,

HE heard me screaming, 

woke me when I knew I was dreaming

but could not bring myself to wake,

You are the thunder in my bones

You are the ominous earthquake

That settles me down and fills me with peace,

Making the devil's panic cease.

I feel the pressure clench around my heart,

Shred through my life and pull me apart,

I feel the devils feet crushing my chest,

His fingers claw through my brain so I CANNOT rest-

Who do I turn to? I turn to You.

Humbled by my own humanity- frailty-

failures- unfathomable fallibility

Hallelujah You heard my cry!

Hallelujah I didn't die,

For the Lord God Almighty,

My Sweet, Omnipotent Jesus, King on High,

Had mercy on me and HE heard my cry.

Though the devil spreads his claws

and lifts his feet above my chest,

My God does not sleep,

My God does not rest.

He is my protector,

HE is my shelter.

 

Hallelujah I am brought up from out the belly of hell!

Hallelujah! Of His love and peace I must tell.

the year of change

(A letter mostly to myself...)

The Year of Change

New beginnings spring up just as the summer flowers begin to fade and the first few frosts cover the windshield of my small, silver, worn out car. I can almost hear my car sigh out as I open the door and throw in book bag and diaper bag, my lunch and my son's lunch. My car is weary, but has not given up yet. Yesterday I chose to fill my water bottle with water instead of juice, which was a good thing, since my poor, weak old car ended up needing a drink before we were even 5 minutes down the road. I wish I had more time and money to help this old car, but I only have so much. Removing the dusty lid of the coolant tank, I poor the water in to quench the thirst of my tired car and give it a pat and say thank you for bringing me this far. I hope you are able to finish this journey with me, but I do not know if that is what will be, after all, this is the year of change.
Hope like an autumn flower beats within my chest and wakes me up at night, what a sweet reason not to sleep! Remembering the passion that burned deep from years ago, passion hotter than the ice, hot enough to melt the snow. Not a lustful passion, one that burns brighter and deeper than sensuality could ever go, I remember what it means to love, to have compassion. This is what I was made for! Not to chide, not to chasten, not to instruct and toot my own horn, but to lean over to those who need a gentle touch, and gently, genuinely, work in geriatrics. What if this were my mother? This could be my father... this could someday be me. If my brain ends up twisted, warped, aged, malfunctioned, due to over use over the years- would anyone love me? Wipe away waste, snot and tears? Not cringing at my lack of teeth or the snarl I could not control, would someone stroke my hand, and look deep into my soul? What nurses are out there who LOVE their patients? What nurses out there who care? This is a call to those who work in the medical field, our mission should be clear. It could be you, you never know, just what curve balls life will throw. Be thankful for the things you have, small, silver, worn out car and beautiful innocent children.
You never know what tomorrow brings, so bring what you can to tomorrow and have compassion for each other's sorrows. Let us remember why we chose to put our hands to this type of work, I pray it was for more than monetary gain, I hope it was because we know that this world is full of pain. If we can ease that pain in others, then we have accomplished the purpose, the call in our hearts that brought us to where we are now.
So saddle up your small, silver worn out car, be thankful it's taken you this far, and get ready for the year of change.

old song of mine :)

I don't have much time, like 10 minutes so please excuse any typos, but I found a song I had written a long time ago and it touched my heart. I don't know when I wrote it since it's not dated, but I remember writing it.

Here it is:

Dream
When I was little, I built up a dream,
Like bare feet kicking in a cool stream.
He would be handsome and tall,
He'd be strong, he'd love God, he would have it all.
My prince charming, my knight in shining armor,
He'd be romantic, not dramatic, someone I could care for.
As I grew older I became afraid,
That this I had made,
Was far too grand, my request far too tall,
So I planned to change it a little, but not all.
He didn';t have to understand my poetic, artistic side,
It may important to me, but I let it slide.
Like bare feet kicking against an empty stream,
This was my wish, this was my dream.
My bare feet kicking against the stones,
But if I'm too picky, I'll end up alone.
More and more, I took parts of my dream away,
He didn't have to be tall, or look a certain way,
He didn't need to be gentle when he spoke,
He didn't need patience, all men are provoked,
He didn't need to be a gentleman,
He didn't to fight for my affection.
Like bare feet kicking in an empty stream,
This is my wish, this is my dream.
Bare feet kicking against the stones,
But if I'm too picky I'll end up alone.
Before I knew it, this dream had come true,
A man that fit my new dream came through,
He said he loved, he swore that he cared,
Our deepest thoughts and emotions we shared.
Barefeet kicking in an empty stream,
This is my wish? This is my dream?
I kicked and kicked, hoping the water would come,
The pain so strong, my feet became number,
My ankles, bleeding, raw and sore,
And then he decided not to speak to me anymore.
In His mercy, Jesus scooped me up into His arms and bandaged up my feet,
He help my close, showered my ankles with kisses, oh so soft and sweet,
He walked me from the empty stream I'd wanted so long to be filled,
To the shore of a grand ocean, blue, calm and stilled.
The sun rising, what will come in this new day?
Will me feet ever heal? Has He brought me here to stay?
Yet I am in His arms still, as the sky begins to light,
In my Jesus' arms, held close and tight,
I realize it's not the ocean, or it's sparkling waves that I love,
It's my Jesus holding me so tender, that I've been dreaming of.
My Jesus is more than the ocean, so wide and so full,
He holds this ocean in His hand, He causes its gentle lull,
I will look to this ocean and enjoy the view,
And wherever You bring me from here, my Jesus, I love you.

trust and obey

when God says, "let go" and you are sure that you already have it figured out, it's not easy to loosen your grip and trust. when God stands closely next to you and whispers, "move..." and all you want to do is stay, it is not easy to obey.
but when we obey, when we trust- then God can intervene and do what He had been wanting to do all along. I have never been good at stepping aside, letting go and obeying God, especially when it is something intertwined in my heart, something that has become a part of me. To tear it from my heart and lay it before God is no easy request, but almost at the very second i laid it down, He swooped in with His angels and picked it up and did so much more than I ever could have, He also wrapped His arms around me so tight while I cried and cried and reassured me that He was big enough to take care of everything. It's like as soon as I got out of the way God was able to work- I have never seen that before. I've also never FULLY obeyed Him. I also have realized through spending time in His Word how much I have to learn, like talking about people behind their backs. Ummmmm, YEAH. So, so, so guilty of that, you don't even realize you're saying something bad until you think about what that person would think and feel if they were in the room. I know a few people who are VERY good at speaking their mind to people and not gossiping, but I would prefer to avoid confrontation and gossip. Not very Christ-like if you ask me. I thought all I would need to do to be walking perfectly with Him was this one big thing, then I realized how much I still have to work on. basically i wanted to put out a praise, that God is doing something huge all around and inside of me and I am in complete and total awe. I also wanted to remind people that I am human, that I am flawed and still working on following God and I do not think that I'm better than anyone. Not even kind of sorta! This is the first time in a long time that I have obeyed God oh and trusting Him is something I have to work on ALL THE TIME.
Okay, Dominic is up and wants some attention. I love all of you and I'm excited to see what the future holds!

Progress

I haven't smoked a full cigarette in almost two weeks. I had half a cig last week on Monday, and a drag on Sunday of this week but that has been it since Friday the 13th. Pleasantly ironic? I think so!
School has been a little overwhelming lately as some of you may have seen on my Facebook. I emailed my teacher and she is letting me turn in assignments that I missed and giving me partial credit for them and my friend from Mission church Kara is helping me study for the final tomorrow. *whew* What a relief!
I have A's in all of my other classes thankfully, and hopefully I can bring this other one up to a B.
I have been dating Jesse Fox since June 8th and was officially dubbed his girlfriend July 15th, right after I almost broke up with (even changed my fb status!) because he'd made it sound like he would never claim me as his girlfriend. THANK GOODNESS for communication. We walked down to a grassy plateau at the end of my street, you can see the old mill and all of the mountains; the sun was setting in a beautiful golden orange. The only other time that I have gone to that plateau was when I was pregnant with Dominic. It was my thinking spot where I made important decisions about keeping and raising Dominic. I have never brought any guy/man there. I'm glad we went, it was a good place to talk through every little uncertainty each of us had and what it meant to be "boyfriend and girlfriend". I will spare you the gushy details but he has been more than true to his word. He promised that this was not a meaningless relationship to him and that he would invest time into it. He has since stopped by to surprise me multiple times, and calls me every now and then during the week. I was not expecting that at all!! I was very surprised when he was willing to listen to me and compromise.
That is all going tolerably well still, Jesse works during the week, I go to school and take care of Dominic, and on the weekends (I still have to take care of Dominic) we get to spend some time together.
During the week I have been trying to implement mealtimes. Structured, sit-down, mealtimes. Providing fruits AND veggies, whole grain, dairy and protein. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Who in their right mind would have thought that doing this was such a huge undertaking?!?!?! I have been able to do almost every meal but I am still struggling to get him to choke down those veggies. Unless they're tomatoes and green beans, so for now, that is what his portion of veggies consists of.
I have noticed that the more I have sit-down meals the more he complies to it, I know he needs this structure and I'm glad that I'm trying to implement it now BEFORE I start going to school for my CNA Certification this fall.
I applied for a low-income grant that I'm hoping to get to help cover babysitter costs during fall term, I'll be going to class 5 days a week all day every day. YAY!! Really crossing my fingers that I get this grant because I do not know how I would get a babysitter(s) for free for all the time I'm gonna be in class.
Last night I woke up at 4am feeling completely overwhelmed by life, I wished and prayed for some escape. When I woke up I realized that there is no escape, no vacation from life and all of its responsibilities. I've been struggling with some severe anxiety this year, but I will not succumb to it- giving up is not an option. Today after learning how behind I was in a class I completed three full assignments I was behind on, on top of ACING a midterm and completing 2/3 of my LIB 127 homework. Take that self-destructive impulses, I may get stressed and become forgetful but I will not let that part of me dictate and destroy my future.
Ahem, I still have a few hoops to jump through before the CNA class begins, vaccinations, criminal background check, nursing orientation, etc. Then I get to begin studying for the TEAS test, which is what I really need to ace.
My grandpa Web has been babysitting Dominic Mon/Wed mornings and it is the biggest blessing in the world to see Dominic spend time at the same house I went to as a kid. Dominic is so smart and knows which days he goes to Great Grandpa. And on the days that he knows he gets to see his Great Grandpa... he lights up and asks, "Big Papa?" Then he runs to the door when we finally get there, oh man, it is the best feeling in the world to see my son spending time with my Grandpa.
Dominic is also getting really used to having Nolan live with us; I'm afraid Dominic will be devastated when my brother moves out, but there's not much I can do about it now except explain that Nolan is just an uncle not a dad. Try explaining that to a 2-year old, psssh, good luck!
I'm surprised you read all of that nonsense crazy! Thanks to all of my friends and family who read these updates and respond with comments and prayers and loving thoughts.

~ Mary ~