Progress

I haven't smoked a full cigarette in almost two weeks. I had half a cig last week on Monday, and a drag on Sunday of this week but that has been it since Friday the 13th. Pleasantly ironic? I think so!
School has been a little overwhelming lately as some of you may have seen on my Facebook. I emailed my teacher and she is letting me turn in assignments that I missed and giving me partial credit for them and my friend from Mission church Kara is helping me study for the final tomorrow. *whew* What a relief!
I have A's in all of my other classes thankfully, and hopefully I can bring this other one up to a B.
I have been dating Jesse Fox since June 8th and was officially dubbed his girlfriend July 15th, right after I almost broke up with (even changed my fb status!) because he'd made it sound like he would never claim me as his girlfriend. THANK GOODNESS for communication. We walked down to a grassy plateau at the end of my street, you can see the old mill and all of the mountains; the sun was setting in a beautiful golden orange. The only other time that I have gone to that plateau was when I was pregnant with Dominic. It was my thinking spot where I made important decisions about keeping and raising Dominic. I have never brought any guy/man there. I'm glad we went, it was a good place to talk through every little uncertainty each of us had and what it meant to be "boyfriend and girlfriend". I will spare you the gushy details but he has been more than true to his word. He promised that this was not a meaningless relationship to him and that he would invest time into it. He has since stopped by to surprise me multiple times, and calls me every now and then during the week. I was not expecting that at all!! I was very surprised when he was willing to listen to me and compromise.
That is all going tolerably well still, Jesse works during the week, I go to school and take care of Dominic, and on the weekends (I still have to take care of Dominic) we get to spend some time together.
During the week I have been trying to implement mealtimes. Structured, sit-down, mealtimes. Providing fruits AND veggies, whole grain, dairy and protein. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Who in their right mind would have thought that doing this was such a huge undertaking?!?!?! I have been able to do almost every meal but I am still struggling to get him to choke down those veggies. Unless they're tomatoes and green beans, so for now, that is what his portion of veggies consists of.
I have noticed that the more I have sit-down meals the more he complies to it, I know he needs this structure and I'm glad that I'm trying to implement it now BEFORE I start going to school for my CNA Certification this fall.
I applied for a low-income grant that I'm hoping to get to help cover babysitter costs during fall term, I'll be going to class 5 days a week all day every day. YAY!! Really crossing my fingers that I get this grant because I do not know how I would get a babysitter(s) for free for all the time I'm gonna be in class.
Last night I woke up at 4am feeling completely overwhelmed by life, I wished and prayed for some escape. When I woke up I realized that there is no escape, no vacation from life and all of its responsibilities. I've been struggling with some severe anxiety this year, but I will not succumb to it- giving up is not an option. Today after learning how behind I was in a class I completed three full assignments I was behind on, on top of ACING a midterm and completing 2/3 of my LIB 127 homework. Take that self-destructive impulses, I may get stressed and become forgetful but I will not let that part of me dictate and destroy my future.
Ahem, I still have a few hoops to jump through before the CNA class begins, vaccinations, criminal background check, nursing orientation, etc. Then I get to begin studying for the TEAS test, which is what I really need to ace.
My grandpa Web has been babysitting Dominic Mon/Wed mornings and it is the biggest blessing in the world to see Dominic spend time at the same house I went to as a kid. Dominic is so smart and knows which days he goes to Great Grandpa. And on the days that he knows he gets to see his Great Grandpa... he lights up and asks, "Big Papa?" Then he runs to the door when we finally get there, oh man, it is the best feeling in the world to see my son spending time with my Grandpa.
Dominic is also getting really used to having Nolan live with us; I'm afraid Dominic will be devastated when my brother moves out, but there's not much I can do about it now except explain that Nolan is just an uncle not a dad. Try explaining that to a 2-year old, psssh, good luck!
I'm surprised you read all of that nonsense crazy! Thanks to all of my friends and family who read these updates and respond with comments and prayers and loving thoughts.

~ Mary ~

Reasons why I ENJOY quitting

Okay so I've made a list of reasons why I should quit but now that I've made it since Tuesday and only smoked a total of 4 cigarettes (better than my 10-15 a day) I've decided to list reasons why I enjoy quitting, that way when I am tempted to pick up a cigarette I'll remember things that I could be doing instead and why i ENJOY them MORE than smoking.

1. I LOVE taking walks with Dominic, we will walk for 1-2 hours at a time, leisurely looking at plants growing along the different paths we take, explaining to him all the different things we see. I love lifting him up on my shoulders to see mountains, the river, or the cars racing under the overpass. I've never felt more relaxed or calm than when I am on a walk with my son. SOOOOOOO much more enjoyable and rewarding than cancer-causing cigarettes!

2. I love inhaling and exhaling fresh air without feeling tired, walking for hours without getting winded

3. I love smelling GOOD, no smoke in my hair, on my skin, clothes, face, Dominic likes snuggling much more now I've noticed and gives me lots of kisses

4. I love the freedom of not needing to have cigarettes or a lighter on my at all times

5. Everything tastes and smells better and I feel better, mentally, emotionally and physically. Not smoking makes me realize how strong I am mentally and emotionally and how many people out there love and support me. It has been a very positive experience!

6. I love brushing my teeth and smelling how clean my hands are, and knowing that my teeth are going to stay clean, or getting out of the shower and knowing that I will smell clean ALL DAY.

Okay, those are the reasons I can think of off the top of my head, but I know there are more. Thanks again to everyone who has been encouraging me and praying for me, I know that there are a lot of you, you guys rock!

Update :)

             For those kind souls who have been rooting for me to quit smoking cigarettes   THANK YOU! Every time I check my Facebook and see all the encouraging comments I remember that I am doing this for lots and lots of good reasons. I did smoke one cigarette earlier this evening but that is all I've smoked in the past two days... I'm hoping to be completely done by the end of the week.

             I found out that I did in fact get all A's this term- this is the first term of 12 credits that I managed to get ALL A's in! I usually get two A's and a B+ so this is a big deal for me, I worked really hard and am so glad I was able to accomplish this.  Now all I have left for school is to,
1. Get my CPR certification
2. Get my CNA certification
3. Pass the TEAS test
4. Apply to the nursing program in spring 2013
Since I drank coffee to curb my nicotine craving, I am going to tell all of you lovely people my tentative plan on how I am going to accomplish those 4 things.
First of all, I owe back utilities, have to pay car insurance, get eye contacts, pay money to get my CPR certification since I need that to do the CNA certification this fall, blah, blah, blah, and this term I get less financial aid AND I can't do work study up at the college for extra income. SO- I am going to try to get a job for the summer. I will get my CNA-1 certificate fall term and my CNA-2 certificate winter term. I can then work as a CNA-2, take the TEAS test, apply and pray that I get into the nursing program. I'm debating applying to the nursing program in Portland as well as here in Bend, but even my adviser said it would be best if I could stay where I have a support group.
I agree, especially since my support group is so awesome. (AKA you people who have read this far! WOOO!!! I love you guys!!!! I could not do all that I do without having so many people rooting me on, praying for me, and encouraging me every step of the way. Thank you.)
         
           Dominic is getting enormous, as you may have seen on my Facebook he got his first bike, which he loves. I need to start potty training him, which will be difficult since I will hopefully be working this summer, but we'll work on it these next two weeks and see what we can do to get him started in the right direction. I'm kinda bummed that I have to work and miss out on spending time with Dominic, especially since this fall and winter term will be ridiculous... He's growing up so fast and it feels like I never spend enough quality time with him. I wish I had a clone that could go to school and work for me so I could stay home and enjoy my son and make sure that he is being raised right. I know that I am my most severe critic, but no matter what any of my friends try to tell me, material wealth is NOT as important as time with my son. He doesn't need fancy things, all that matters are that his basic needs are met (which I have been doing), beyond that he needs his MOM more than nice clothes, more toys or a bigger house.
           Unfortunately I don't know that I can meet those basic needs without a job this summer, even with school loans/grants and borrowing money from my parents, (my absolute favorite thing to do, sigh) it's really frustrating.   Please pray that I can get a job! The state will help with daycare if I'm working 20+ hours a week, let's hope I find something soon.
          Remarkably I have run out of things to write about, but not energy. I best try and sleep since I am working tomorrow, I hope you all have a lovely day. Keep it real folks, keep it real. 
  

Reasons to NOT SMOKE

Okay, I'm posting this here so that I can look back on it and remember all of the reasons why I made the choice to quit smoking cigarettes, that and i'm running out of activities to keep my mind off of smoking so I'm going to do this, I think it will help.

Reasons Why I Choose to Quit Smoking

1. I do not want Dominic to smoke later in life
2. I cannot afford any extra expenses, especially ones that are detrimental to my health
3. I hate smelling like smoke all the time
4. I hate the way my mouth and throat feel after smoking
5. I hate being dependent on cigarettes for stress relief
6. I hate being a disappointment to my friends and family
7. I enjoy smelling good
8. I have more energy to go on long walks
9. I don't get winded when I walk up hills
10. I'll have more money for important things like diapers and gas and be less of a drain on everyone
11. I will be a more reputable health care worker as a non-smoker by practicing what I preach
12. I will be at a lower risk for stroke
13. Lower risk for heart disease
14. Lower risk for osteroporosis
15. Lower risk for hypertension
16. Lower risk for lung, throat and mouth cancer
17. Lower risk of all cause mortality
18. My hair will smell good again
19. I won't be embarrassed by someone catching me in the act of smoking a cigarette if I never smoke at all
20. I will set a good example for my son
21. It will be one less thing to stress about, feel guilty about and talk about; one less burden in my life

Your Love

I was gonna wait to post this, to make sure everyone had read my blog from last night, so STOP if you have not read my previous blog posted at 12am this morning please do so before reading the following song, because it'll make much more sense if you do.

Your Love

Jesus Your love is amazing,

You never stopped loving me. (2x)

You heard me as I was crying,

You heard all my prayers and my sighing,

And though I am least deserving,

You still comforted me,

He comforts me,

My Jesus comforts me.

Like as a Father pities His Child,

You are the Great I am, yet tender and mild.

The Almighty God stooped to hold me tight,

The King of kings, stayed my fears that night.

(Chorus)

You saw me as I was dying,

You saw all the vain in all my trying,

And though I am least deserving,

You saved me,

He saves me,

My Jesus saves me.

He holds all my tears in a bottle,

He holds my heart in His hand,

And though my life is but a vapor,

Just a grain of sand,

He died to pay for my sin.

(Chorus)

You saw through all my lying,
You saw all the truth I was denying,
And though I am least deserving,
He loved me,
He loves me,
My Jesus loves me.

Though my sins were as crimson,
You make me white as snow,
Though I'd been trapped by my fears,
I watch as You make them go.
(Chorus) 

the ugly truth

I am afraid of disappointing you
I am afraid you'll know who I really am
I am afraid you'll see my failures, past and present and turn away in disgust
I am afraid I will fail
I am afraid you'll realize that i am a game player
i am afraid you will see my sin, all the disgusting things I have done to please myself and that you will run in the opposite direction or tell me to never speak to you again.

I know ALL the right things to say and that scares me because i can look you in the eye and convince you that I am okay spiritually; that I am strong, happy and brilliant when really i am a lying, miserable, greedy, selfish human who does what is best for me.

Thankfully, you're my dad. You told me that God helped you through the same stuff, the EXACT same stuff that I'm going through right now. You told me that even though it feels futile, to not give up. Besides, I was honest with you, and finally i'm making a step in the right direction. You know that I BS people and myself because I'm scared that I'll lose them. I know that I've let God down. He's done everything for me and I have run away and hid from Him because I'm ashamed and I don't know how to get up. The thing is, tonight I realized out of all of these friends that I have bullshitted so efficiently, not a one knows me, knows the real me. The ugly me. We all have an ugly side, that part we bury down so deep we think maybe it's gone, maybe it never existed, but when it rears its ugly head we realize how alone we really are. Not because people didn't want to get close, but because we didn't let them get close. I'm alone because I was scared to be honest, with anyone. I would be honest in little bits and pieces, but living a double life is what i do best. It's who I am, but you know that. You're my dad. You've done the same thing. You've said all the right words to all the right people even while you're cringing inside as you speak, knowing you're heart is so far from the things coming out of your mouth.

The thing that I hate to think about the most, is that I've let Him down, you know, Jesus. I have even come to the point where if I died today and saw Jesus and He told me i didn't make it in, I would understand. He is right and I love Him. It doesn't make sense, maybe it's because my heart has believed so many lies... you understand that too, don't you?

What amazes me is that while I was sitting on the floor crying because I feel so completely trapped in my sin, I cried out to Him, to Jesus, and told Him I needed so desperately for someone to talk to, someone who understood how trapped and frustrated and hopeless I feel. Someone who not only understood but who could help, and who would've thunk it Dad, he brought me you. He also brought me Pete... who is like a second dad. Okay i'm officially the luckiest girl EVER to have two father figures who have not given up on me even though they know what a complete hypocritical failure i am.

A lot of kids don't know their dads, some have abusive dads or ones that are barely around. Not you, Dad. Even in all your imperfection, you love Jesus and when you called me about the laundry and heard me crying, you knew just what to say and not because you were saying what I wanted to hear, but because you've been through this yourself.

Being honest and vulnerable is the most terrifying thing in the world, and I am so blessed to have a dad who understands, and a God who cared enough to get my dad to pick up the phone and call me. I have believed for so long that I was Esau; that God had given up on me, but after you and Pete talked to me, I'm beginning to see that maybe God never gave up on me, I just got tricked into thinking He did. So Dad, this is what I'm gonna do: Before I go making radical changes and try to go be super righteous and above all my sin, I'm gonna start reminding myself every day that God made me, called me, and has not once EVER given up on me. If He had, then why would you have called? Why would Pete have been online and talk to me even though it has literally been almost a decade since we've had a heart-to-heart?
It is completely undeserved, yet Jesus never stopped loving me. He NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME. I want to scream it out loud until it gets from my head into my heart. Thank you Jesus, for never giving up on me. You are truly beyond what I can even describe. Thank You... Thank You.

Sun Shine Again

The best part about this song, is that as I was playing the final note, it began to snow.

Sun Shine Again

Winter and rain,

Oh sun please shine again,

I don't know how much more I can bear,

Oh sun what are you doing up there?

Snow and ice I feel,

Your cold breath is far too real.

I don't know how much more I can face,

Or how much more pain my heart can embrace

Oh sun please shine again,

Melt all the snow and disappointment

I've been trying to brave this storm,

But I'm dying to once more feel warm.

My soul is covered in snow,

Oh sun where did you go?

What did I do,

To so anger you?

The cold wind blows all around,

I'm sitting here, freezing on the ground

I can't move, can't even breathe,

Oh sun won't you make the winter leave?

Sun shine again (x3)

Melt these icicles off of my skin