a little part of my story

My AVG software is downloading and Dominic is a sleep, so i have a bit of time.
This story has been on my heart but I'm apprehensive to post it, I know a lot of people read my blog and I'm scared what all of you will say. *deep breath* Here goes nothin...

When I was 15 years old, I loved Jesus. I wanted to serve Him, worship Him, follow Him, but I kept holding back this little thing... my flesh. I wanted a husband and I didn't believe God wanted good things for me, so I held onto that part of my heart, telling myself I'd find a husband no matter what.
Around that time I met a young man, his name is Noah. Some of you know him and know this part of the story, other people have no clue.
I immediately fell in love with his HEART. He isn't the most attractive person, but his heart was so beautiful. He lived on the coast of Oregon and we started emailing and calling back and forth. He was very depressed and even tho he was in his twenties, he still knew I liked him and always came to me for emotional support. Often times he'd say God might want us to marry, always raising my hopes. He told me he loved me and that I was beautiful- I gobbled it all up. This went on, off and on really, for three years and after awhile I was sure I was supposed to marry him.

Nearing my 19th birthday I began to work at Macy's and was deep in a world focused on the physical. I began to have demonic nightmares... I prayed and prayed and tried so hard to fight it all off. I felt like I was losing my mind. I discovered one night that if I let myself think about sexual things, the demonic stuff would go away. I was trying to fight in my own strength and was too foolish to ask God for help, eventually I didn't wanna fight anymore.

Right around that time while I was struggling to not give into sin but to fight, fight, fight (thinking I had to do it all) Noah called me. He told me he had never loved me. He had never thought I was beautiful. He had done similar things in the past, not allowing me to contact him for months at a time and then he'd randomly call just to get a little ego boost... but this was different... he was dead serious. He did not love me.

I was full of anger.

He had always told me my virginity was a blessing, a gift from God to be guarded.
Without realizing it 'til afterwards, I went to do the one thing that could hurt Noah the most.
I gave away my virginity, my first kiss, to some random guy.
I called Noah, I told him what I'd done. I wanted to shove it in his face and make him hurt.
I will never for the rest of my life forget the sound in his voice. Like someone had punched him in the stomach and he was left gasping for air but was not able to get any. I cried, and cried... but part of me was glad I'd hurt him.
To this day Noah blames himself for me walking away, but it wasn't his fault at all. He is not responsible for my actions.
I tried to reconcile to God but I refused to let go of my flesh, I wanted to feel good and I thought, "What if God doesn't want that for me? What if He wants to make me suffer? What if He doesn't want me to have children?" I made a decision to not take that risk.
I slept with guy after guy after guy... til I'd lost track. It didn't matter. In fact, after a couple of years, I was proud of my sin. I'd boast that I was an expert at it and that my heart could not be touched. I boasted about how unfeeling I was and how easily I dismissed men. They at first played with my heart and broke me, then I turned the table and used men and made them cry. I was cold, completely numb. Boyfriends never lasted long... 4 months tops. I always broke up with them because I would not let myself risk the pain I felt that day when Noah called me to tell me he didn't love me and never had.

*sigh*

History repeats itself... or so i thought a few nights ago.

Jason sat me down and told me he had to leave for Texas, that he needed to be healed. He said he loved me and wanted to take me with him and had even prayed about taking me with him but...
"But"... such a tiny little conjuction aren't you? Look at all the turmoil such a conjuction can ensue!
...But he could not because God had called him to go without anything from this place. That included me and my son.

I was so, so angry. Why would God do all of these good things in my life? Bring this man who I truly loved, just to take him away?

I wanted to be numb again, I wanted to stop feeling all the pain in my soul... so I decided i'd do what i was good at. I would sleep with someone, maybe throw it in Jason's face, then see how godly he really is.


Oh man I don't know how to recover from that. Wow. I will never understand how God could want me. Even with all my anger and all my pride and selfishness... He loves me.


I did. I slept with someone, someone Jason knows and does NOT like at all. I was sure I'd be numb and just throw it in Jason's face and laugh as he cried. That is not at all what happened!!!
The "someone" came, did the deed and left. No love, no affection. Nothing.


Once Dominic was asleep and I began to process everything, I began to sob like a little child. Not just like little tears trickling, i'm talking boogery-goo everywhere, it was "WHAT-THE-FUCK-DID-I-DO?!?!" crying. (excuse the language). I had been angry-texting Jason and then after that person came and left I started texting him saying how sorry I was and that he deserved someone better than me. I told him I had just stumbled him and if it wasn't for me he would not have had sex again at all. Somehow he knew- I don't know how, but he knew. He asked me if I'd slept with someone and I told him yes and who it was. Then I started just wishing I could tear off my skin and run away and hide for forever.

Jason was mad, furious... but not at me.

He came over and rushed to me, a little snotty, selfish lump on the couch, wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me and he forgave me. Then he prayed and prayed and prayed. I sobbed and wept and got snot AAAALLLLLLLLL over him. He didn't care. He told me he was sorry he'd made me so angry, that he never ever meant to hurt me.

I know if he had known that God was gonna call him so far away that he would have never ever begun this relationship with me.

He held me, and I know he and I messed up before... that night, two nights ago... it wasn't even like that. We didn't even kiss... he just prayed and held me. He prayed until 2am until we both fell asleep hand-in-hand sitting up straight. If that isn't the love of God I do not know what is. Yes, yes Jason and I had sex before and it is NOT RIGHT and I was hurt because of it- but he has shown me God's love when no one else was able to. I can't explain it.


Long, long ago when Shepherds had little lambs that strayed and wouldn't listen, they would take them and break their legs. Then they would carry the little lambs on their shoulders until the lamb knew their Shepherd's voice. I am that stupid little lamb, never listening. Now I understand the verse, "Make these bones which you have broken rejoice."

The demonic nightmares have been coming back. This time I won't give up, because my bones are already broken. God is carrying me, until I know HIS voice. I've been reading in Romans and God always is there with me, He always saves me. He has given me promises, telling me that sin should not reign in my body because He has freed me from it.

This is my story... so far. Pray for me. I don't want sin to reign in my body anymore- we have victory over sin and I need to start living like that's true.

45 minutes...

Just got 100% on a little open book test! Woo! I have 45 min tho til my next class, so i'm writing a little blog.
My life is so crazy. Haha oh well. School is good, busy but good. Lots and lots of homework! Kinda nice to be kept so busy tho honestly. Jason and I are just friends now, I think. He said he'll be my valentine, but only cuz i asked. I've never had a real valentine, and i dunno if he really is a real valentine since we're not together. What can ya do? Haha, I'm happy he said yes tho.

I'll write more later... Love you all!

Second Life picture for CIS 120

Second Life is a virtual world. You can meet new people online, go "shopping" and all sorts of things. By joining you will be able to choose an avatar, change your appearance and even shop for a new better look. After joining they send you an email and you will be able to access your second life account and be able to engage in the online world!



In class we talked about what things make your computer run slowly. Things such as low RAM, needing to defrag and the evil VIRUSES. You need to scan your computer for a virus, your computer finds the virus when it finds a virus pattern. Programs are written in 1's and 0's, when a sequence of 1's and 0's runs in a certain order, a "virus sequence" your computer will alert you. That's the reason why we update our virus software, so that our computers can have the new list of "virus sequences". That's all I'm gonna say about that because it's beginnnig to go over my head, hahaha. This is my week 2 blog for my CIS 120 class.

balloons and baby bottoms

Where shall I begin? Saturday, Friday? Golly... well, I dunno.

Saturday night, finally told him i couldn't talk to him at all anymore (we'll see how long that lasts). After he left I went to get my laundry out of the car and there was a helium balloon that I'd forgotten about, i was just gonna let it float away so i threw it out of the car. *ThUnK* Hmm. It's floating but not going anywhere. Brought the laundry inside and grabbed some scissors... The tiniest little clip was keeping the balloon here on the ground. *snip, snip* Away it went! It didn't shoot off like a rocket, it didn't go in a perfect line, it flitted, floated, danced through the night sky until it disappeared into the stars. I don't know if it popped, or what happened, but I know that if balloons could feel, that balloon felt FREE.

you see, i want to go with Jason to Texas, and marry him, but God asked me to let him go. Went to church yesterday and the pastor was preaching out of Nehemiah 9. He kept coming back to how there is ONE God, that the Lord is God alone. Nothing else in my heart should take precedence over God- not even a man of God. Afterward I decided it couldn't hurt to go and pray with someone, since they had people available. One of the men prayed that God would be a Husband to me and a Father to Dominic and that HE would fill that void. Then he introduced me to his wife and she invited me to a women's prayer group thursday nights. I'm really excited. Tfab is an awesome church.

Sadly- no matter how much i KNOW all of the above- I want Jason so badly, everything seemed to fit.  Yes, we messed up, but, who hasn't? I'm not condoning it, I'm just asking for prayer. I don't understand why God would bring a man who loves Jesus and me and Dominic so much, a man whose family loves me; a man who my family loves and a man with whom I just click...why would God bring a man like that, just to take him away?

Honestly, I don't even wanna pick up my phone or go to school or anything. i wanna sit in my pj's and cry and feel sorry for myself. Need to return the small group leader's call, the doctors call, oh blah. Skipped school today because Dominic kept waking up last night SCREAMING bloody murder! I could not figure out what it was. This morning I figured it out and felt like a terrible mama. He'd had a poopy diaper, I hadn't smelled it or checked or anything.
I wiped his bottom and was like, "What's the white stuff???" then he started SCREAMING again- it was his skin. His little bottom was bleeding and it was all my fault. He had huge tears running down his face. I lathered up his poor little botom with A&D ointment. Poor bubba. He isn't eating much, and keeps having the runs. That's the reason I didn't go to school. My poor Domino... pray he feels better soon.

Ok, thanks everyone for reading, love you all!!

Decisions, decisions!

Ok, so sadly I can't really elaborate on the decision I'm making, but I can say this, it is a life-changing one. A very big one. There's a 90% chance that nothing will happen though and my life won't change much at all, I'll just be a little sad. There's a 10% chance though that everything will change. I talked to my parents about it and asked them to pray, and the person who this whole change depends upon well, I will be talking to them this evening I hope. Pray, pray, pray. Not gonna let my heart get involved, just gonna trust in the Lord. I have a feeling the thing that's in the 90% chance will be what happens but... well, I don't know. I don't dare hope, do I? I need to know. I need to know because it's so soon, and I want to know where my heart, mind and body should be in regards to this whole relationship situation. It's either one extreme or the other... I wish I knew which extreme was the right one. Blah. >.<

That verse I posted last night has been running through my head all day, "The Lord is my strength and my refuge: My God; in Him will I trust." I have to hide in Him, let Him be my strength. Basically just throw myself at His feet and ask Him to do what He wants with me. I can trust He will always do what's right and good and perfect. I'm so thankful to serve a God who IS love. I can be confident in Him.

I'm getting sick. My throat has that yucky feeling and everything tastes worse, ya know what i'm talking about? Ugh. My whole family has been sick this last month, and I am not excited about catching it, or having Dominic catch it. Sick babies are so sad!!! >.< We'll get through it, one day at a time. ^_^

Thank you to everyone who's been reading, commenting, praying, encouraging me- you all are so wonderful. I'm always amazed at how many people out there love Dominic and me. It lifts me up. ♥

There's a new way springing forth in the wilderness!... but I need a map.

I want to follow God.
I want to be free from sexual sin- and all sin, but that one in particular. I don't know where in the world to start. It's not just the ACT of sexual sin either, it's just, you know... it's also my past, letting it go, not feeling guilty ALL THE TIME about it. Feeling like a whore and a slut and like I have no right to show my face in church... ugh, I know those feelings are all lies from the devil- I am not that girl anymore. But I've been that girl and believed that lie for three long, dark, dark years. Katelyn was saying she heard somewhere that we should give back to God the years we took away, like to dedicate three years to letting God heal and restore me. Doesn't mean it'll take Him that long, (He is God) but just to be able to say, "God, You deserve these years, and all of the rest of the yearsof my life."
I don't know where I'm going with this... actually i dunno where i'm going period. I'd be lying to say i had complete peace- it's like, I'm closer to God than I've ever been but something keeps my head twirling round so i can't see straight. Sigh. Lost my Bible too :( Shannon has it, gonna go get it tomorrow. I actually got online so i could read some lol. The internet is good for something after all!
"I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust." Psalm 91:2

You are more (new favorite song)

This song just, gives me chills every time i listen to it, and makes me cry. this is totally my theme song!!