Excited!

Tonight is the first time in a very long time that i'm going to an in-home Bible study. It's a college group that one of my old gal-friends, Shannon, started. She's married now which is CUH-RAAAZY but super cool and i'm looking forward to meeting her husband. Chels is on her way to come pick me and Dominic up, hope he does ok, he actually just fell asleep, poor bay-bay... hate waking him up to put him in the car.

I've been super, super busy with this being my first week back at school- taking math, psych and my computer class. On top of that I've been getting in touch with old Christian friends of mine, which has been AWESOME! I dunno what to think about all of this, my whole life is spinning in a totally different direction because of what God is doing in my heart. Last night read a psalm saying that I need to give Him the glory, because He is my strength. Sometimes I get so caught up in my emotions and all the draaaaamaaaaaaa... that I forget what's really important. It's not easy to start following Him again, there aren't many but there are some people who don't think it'll happen, that in a month or two i'll have fallen back away and this will all mean nothing. I hope, I pray with all my heart that they are wrong.

Ok Chels is here gotta go!!!

Go in Peace

I’m not proud of everything I did,
I’m not proud of everything I’ve said,
Don’t believe everything you’ve read,
‘Cause I’m not happy, that I broke up with you,
So if you hear that I am, know that it’s not true.

Flip over my pillow and I can still smell,
Soft kisses, like fresh rain that fell,
From your lips to mine,
I know I’ll be fine,
Just need some time.
Even when the sun comes out to shine,
The skies are so blue,
Raindrops flutter of my eyelashes ‘cause I still miss you,
Oh I still miss you.
No matter what I do.

Honestly, I mostly,
Want you here with me,
Honestly, I mostly,
Want you here with me,
My hand in yours resting on your knee,
As you make me laugh, now I just cry.
I don’t wanna hear you say you’re sorry anymore,
I want things to go back to the way they were before.
When you were holding my son, holding my hand,
Thought we were all going to the promised land,
Now you said you have to go,
That’s all I know.

Sit with me at the dock of the bay,
We’ll watch our troubles roll away,
Look the sun is about to rise,
Wipe those tears off your eyes.

If you must leave then go, but go in peace,
May God be the One who leads,
‘Til He leads you home.
Though he called you to roam,
You’re never alone.

Let me send you off with a blessing and maybe one last kiss,
If you ever get lonely, just remember this.
I’ve loved you like I never thought I could ever love,
You are the kind of man I’ve been dreaming of.
So go, go, go, but in peace. Go in peace.

thank you captain obvious!

someone just called me to tell me they were mad at me- sad part is they had every right to be. oh and i have no money and i feel like a failure after one of my friends posted on my fb that i shouldn't have been so weak and given into sexual desire. thank you captain obvious! one of my friends the other day also mentioned how i can't commit to a relationship and again in my head i was like, "thank you captain obvious!" i know my shortcomings, reminding me of them in a mean nasty, condescending way does not help, just makes me feel like shit.
i just suck all around. so, in short, i'm just gonna hide. gonna run away and hide from all of it cuz i feel so, so, shitty. i fuck everything up. sorry for the bad language but well, i'm on a roll might as well roll with it!
i hate when i do things that just, are wrong. i hurt people i make bad choices, i dunno what to tell everyone. please just leave me alone. if you have something negative to say, say it to someone who has thicker skin.
i'm not saying anyone is wrong for saying what they're saying, just, gimme a week or two ok? i kinda feel like i can't redeem myself in any which way right now. you telling me how i've failed here and there and everywhere just makes me wanna run away and become a stripper and make some REAL money. (that was a joke, please laugh)
Thankfully I do have a couple friends, REAL FRIENDS, who know how to tell me when i'm messing up without completely tearing me to shreds. Chels, Joanna, Katelyn, I LOVE YOU. Thanks for loving me even when i am so, yeah you get the idea.
 i'm only human, a fucked up one at that. so if you've noticed how weak, stupid, selfish and just plain WRONG i have been lately- congratulations, the rest of the population noticed as well. here's your gold star for being better than me, now please, leave me alone.
There are a few people who have a right to be angry with me, to yell at me, scold me, or simply say, "Hey, i'm mad at you and this is the reason why." Leave it to THOSE people, i don't need any extras. Thanks. *big angry mean face* Hahaha... but seriously only gonna post on here for school, taking a break from fb too... posting this blog on there to say farewell for awhile. ttyl

regret.. cant sleep so i'm blogging

i can't sleep. my pillow smells like him. i want him back... i don't want it to end like THIS me feeling hurt and angry and feeling like we did each other so wrong. i fill my pillow with tears and just wanna kick and scream and tell myself this was all wrong. it ended so wrong. it shouldn't have ended like that, not like that.
i shouldn't have posted about him on here at all. i'm just too honest with these things. i think he's mad at me.
i know if i'm gonna put God first i have to let J go, but all my heart wants to do is to cling onto him. it's easier NOT to have sex with random men when there's this awesome man who (in spite of his imperfections) loves God, constantly saying how much he cares about you and how he doesn't see you as a slut at all. now that he's gone, i'm so scared i won't lean on God... every time i open my Bible it keeps saying how God is the strength of His people. they never do anything on their own, it's always Him. but i've been leaning partly on God and mostly on J. even tho i know better. i tried not to. but i was- i was leaning on a man instead of God. sigh. i suck at this. just gonna go back and cry cuz it ended so wrong. it ended so wrong. i wanna go back and erase that night. i wanna erase my heart's pain. i wanna erase the post about him, but i know what's done is done. i can't undo any of it. erasing it would just, not change anything at all. although i wish it would. i wish it would erase that night and all these feelings i have all over the place now. idk what else to say. idk who to text, who to call... just keep reading through psalms and crying and feeling defeated and angry and yet, i know God loves me. God still loves me. why on earth would He still love me? i am so baffled.

God save me

I have this weight on my chest,
It's there even when I rest.
Even in my dreams I'm praying, "God I'm weak."
I don't even know how to speak.
It's be a crazy, wild ride,
Yet You've always been by my side.
You recaptured my heart,
Said you set me apart.

What do You wanna do?
What do You wanna do with this little life of mine?
You say, "let your light shine"
But God I feel so dim,
I feel so grim,
Feel the darkness closing in.

God save me, from myself,
And everything else,
That keeps clamouring and yammering,
At me, to not do what Ya called me to,
Which is simply to follow You.

There's this pounding, this ringing sounding,
In my ears,
Floodgate opens, full of tears,
This pressure, this all encompasing pressing,
Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just stressing.

God save me from myself,
And everything else,
That keeps slipping, and tripping,
Me up, so I can't get my footing straight,
You told me to patiently wait,
For You, to do what You're gonna do.
Lord do what You wanna do, with me.

This one's for the teacher

This is for my class assignment, I have to write at least three sentences about my computer class.
I'm excited about class because I did tech support on computers at my previous job and loved it. I am also looking forward to learning how to use excel, I've never used it before and I know it'll be really useful. So far this class seems like it's gonna be a ton of fun- oh and my teacher is the husband of my advisor. My old friend Holly is in the same class, I haven't seen her in 6 years I think. Crazy how life works.
That's it for this post, like I said, this one's for the teacher.

All men are liars

You think you've found the one... he's everything you've dreamed of. You meet his parents, he meets yours. You talk about God together, he says he thinks he could even maybe marry you if things kept going the way they were.

Then it blows up in your face.
When it blows up you don't know what to say. You get angry- your mouth stays shut and tears fall. You keep your mouth shut 'cause if you say what's really on your mind you know he'd crumble, he'd cry, he'd cry like you're gonna cry tonight as you try to sleep- as he passes out across town without a care in the world. He got what he wanted.

All men are liars. Or at least the majority of them are. I'd rather be with a sinner that admits he's a sinner than a man who says he obeys God and then turns around and acts like every other wretch out there... oh and then leaves you to cry yourself to sleep. Piece of work.

I don't wanna be friends. I don't wanna talk to him. I want to forget this ever happened. I wanna be numb. I wanna scream at the heavens and ask God why He would put such a fucked up person in my life. How on earth did this better me? What was it all for? Yeah we talked and he says he cares. Words are just words. Actions speak louder.

He says he's different than all those other guys. How? Show me how. Stop SAYING you're sorry. Stop SAYING you follow God. SHOW ME.

Sigh. Why can't I say this to his face? Why can't I look him in the eye and tell him he should feel guilty. That he did use me. That he acted like every other *insert bad word of your choice here* that i've ever been with. I know he didn't mean it to be that way but that is what he did. Whatever his intentions were, that's what his actions were. I am angry, and so, so disappointed. Not just in him, but in myself for believing if I slept with him he'd stay with me. For letting myself go back to that instead of trusting God. I did it my way instead of His. God, may my life show how sorry I am for that. This is not gonna be easy, I've been doing things my way for so long... sigh. Pray for me, I am so weak and this just totally makes me feel defeated.