The Good Mother

I know it's been just shy of eight years since I posted, but I'm going to skip the pleasantries and jump right into what is on my heart.

As many of you know I got married last year in September. My husband and I agreed that a traditional family is what we believe in and what we want.

Now, after 20+ years of working, staying home full-time with my son and home schooling is... hard. Harder than any job I've ever had. You know why? Well there are a lot of reasons, but the one that is getting the better of me is what I want to write about, because I have a hunch that I'm not alone.

There is this incessant nagging feeling inside of me that says, "You are not enough. You are not doing enough. You are of no value to this world."

*Insert swear words of your choice here.*

There is this weight, as the thoughts continue, "You are not living up to your potential. You could be a doctor! A writer! Anything you want to be!" This constant dialogue continues its unabashed barrage as I continue to push through and do the daily tasks at hand. It continues through the dishes, the laundry, the meal making, the constant cleaning and finally, I break under the weight of these words.

I lay in my bed thinking of the things ahead of me tomorrow, they seem so small, and yet my cute little anxiety and PTSD rear their ugly heads, making me feel completely worthless for not wanting to leave the safety of my home. For wanting to be safe. Then the tears come as I pray desperately for relief. 

Then He comes and speaks life into my soul, "Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28)

I then imagine heaven as a great sifter, or noodle drain if you will, where the substance of me will remain, but all of the anxiety, depression, PTSD, all of it, will be gone the moment I walk through those pearly gates. This brings on more tears as I ask God to give me deliverance here and now on this earth. 

I hear that still small voice in my soul ask for a song. I am weary. Crying. All that comes to mind is: "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me..." I sing the song and grow silent.

As I meditate, I hear in my heart a question, "Why are you looking to the world for validation and approval? You will never find it there. You will always feel this way if you look to the world for those things."

It dawns on me that, I am not of this world, so, why should I be holding myself to worldly standards?

What does God say is required of me? Have I labored today? Yes. Yes I have. Have I done what He has asked me to do? Yes. Yes I have.

Would the Blessed Virgin Mary tell me I should go out and get a job?  Would she look at me, and shake her head? 

No. She would look at me lovingly and tell me not to give up, and to continue to nourish the souls and bodies of my child and my husband.

This is what I was created to do. I do not have to live up to anyone's standards except for God's. I do not need to look to the world for approval. I do not need to look to the world for validation. I will not find it there. I will look for it in the eyes of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will remember his wounds and find refuge in Him. 

I am weak, but you know what? He is strong.

The Lord's Prayer... more than just a good song.

Okay- so I am currently trying to ignore my nicotine cravings and having difficulty. to help distract me from said cravings I am going to post something that has been very challenging and helpful to me and I'm hoping it will be the same for those of you who read this.


I have been attending Mission church and during their "On Earth as it is in Heaven" series they went over prayer and love. What I really got out of it was a challenge- to pray according to the structure of the Lord's prayer.

First let's read the Lord's prayer, and remember that this is how Jesus instructed us to pray:

"Our Father which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever."      -- Amen.

 Matthew 6:9-13

I have taken my notes from Pastor Brent's service that morning and this scripture and created a prayer structure, but before I go into that I want to challenge you-

Does your prayer life have structure?
                      
                 Do you wait patiently for God to speak?
                                       
                                    Do you expect an answer from Him?

  

                                                 Do you set aside TIME to spend in prayer, concentrated, deliberate, determined and intentional, time in prayer?

For me, when confronted in my heart with these questions by the Holy Spirit, it was a huge, "Wake up Mary, you do not do these things at all and you really need to!"

This is how my past prayer life has gone for as long as I can remember: I sit down, begin to gush out all of the petty things that I want, then get distracted, cut my prayer time short, forget what I'm praying about and then give up after spending 5 minutes reading the Bible.  That... or I pray long, gut wrenching honest prayers of my needs and my desires, my problems, but usually it's all about me, me, me, me.

sound familiar?

Thankfully after looking hard into the mirror of God's Word and realizing my spiritual hair was a mess by the conviction of His perfect Holy Spirit- I decided to act and use a spiritual comb.

This is the prayer structure that God inspired me to create for myself (my "spiritual comb" as it were) and let me tell you what, if you want your spiritual life to be blessed, if you want to dig deep into your relationship with the Holy One, if you want to be challenged in the aspect of waiting and spending time with God- if you want a spiritual comb to run through your soul- this is an exceptionally powerful tool.

A key element of this is to remember to be perfectly open and transparent with God- after all, He created you and the earth you live in, oh and He raised up from the dead on the third day and defeated death and hell- I'm pretty sure He can handle whatever you have going on, no matter how big.

The Lord's Prayer 

~ made personal ~

 

WORSHIP 

"Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be Thy name..."

This is how to start off your prayer, recognizing God as who He is, Holy, Perfect, Eternal Savior and Lord. 

Example: Lord You are my Redeemer, thank You for hearing my prayers last night and answering all of them so miraculously just like I knew You would. I am so thankful for Your friendship, I would be lost without You.

Note: When I first began my prayer structure I used this section to ask God to teach me HOW to praise Him, He led me to the Psalms, and the more I practice praising Him, the more natural it becomes.

HIS KINGDOM, HIS WILL  

"Thy Kingdom come Thy will be done as earth as it is in heaven."

This is where you check your heart, surrender your will to His. You can generalize this or you can make it very personal.

Example: Jesus, I want (insert desire here) but not my will, Yours be done. Oh Jesus... Help me to desire Your will! Change my heart so that it reflects Yours, so that my desires are aligned with what You have in store for me. Establish Your kingdom, direct me in ways to the furtherance of Your Kingdom, open my eyes to ways that I can do this, don't let me forget that I am living for Your Kingdom- not mine.

Note: This is a crucial part of the prayer structure! Our requests need to be aligned with His will before He can really work in our lives and move mountains- so before asking for things, ensure that your heart and His are on the same page, and if not ask Him to align your heart! He loves an honest and willing servant!

DAILY BREAD 

"Give us this day our daily bread"

This is where you ask for the things that you need, this is where most of us start our prayers-but what a sweet blessing to get to this part of prayer after having praised God, and set in our hearts that we trust Him, and submitted our wills to His!

Example: Father, You have said that You will not withhold any good thing from Your children and I am Your child by the gracious blood of Jesus- so I ask that You continue to provide what I have need of, thank You for your faithfulness.

FORGIVE AND BE FORGIVEN  

"And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors"

This is a part that most of us skip past, either one part or both, whether intentionally or not- but I have found that this part can be one of the most freeing aspects of my prayer time. 

This is where we confess before God forgiveness to those who have wronged us, and ask Him to change our hearts towards those people. 

It is very important to do this before asking forgiveness,  

"For if you forgive men their trespasses your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15  

This verse is directly after the Lord's prayer- hmm, must be important in regards to our prayer life then, huh? Then of course, confess to God your sin.

Example: Father, help me to forgive (insert name here). This person hurt me so deeply and I don't understand why. I am so angry, but I choose to forgive them because You forgave me. 

Forgive me for getting angry quickly- make me like You, slow to anger, slow to speak and quick to forgive.

DELIVERANCE 

 "...And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil..."

This part is so crazy good for me, I love laying all of my struggles out there before the Lord, because when I lay them down at His feet then He can deal with them and I don't have to bear their weight anymore. This is a great place to be super transparent with the Lord, tell Him what trips you up and ask for His help!

Example: Lord, deliver me from an angry spirit, self-righteousness, self-pity, resentment, hostility, anxiety, depression, covetousness, dissatisfaction, restlessness, moping; disbelief. Teach me to trust in You even when what You are telling me to do doesn't make sense. Teach me how to guard my heart, let Your Holy Spirit have full reign in my life, convict me of anything that would keep me from being close to You.

WAIT EXPECTANTLY 

"For THINE is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever, amen."

I think that most of us struggle with this part more than any other part, but read that verse one more time.

Okay now read it again.

                   He owns the entire Kingdom...

                                    He holds all the power...

                                                   He contains all the glory...

                                                                                FOREVER.

I challenge you to ask in faith, believing that God is who He says He is- and wait upon Him. I typically use this section to ask God to speak to me through the Bible.

Example: Lord, please teach me to wait upon You as I read Your Word- speak to me. Help me to be still and know that You are God.

 

ANSWER

This is the section where you record how God answered your prayer.

I always write this part down, before I even start reading my Bible. It's a very cool way to activate your faith- it is the most triumphant and powerful feeling when I end my prayer this way, believing that God will answer me as He has promised. Ever since I have started praying this way the "Answer" section has been filled- and it is still amazing and wonderful and life changing every single time He answers me. Typically He answers me through His Word, God truly speaks to us through His Word:

"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, I hope it encouraged and challenged you as I know it has me!

waiting

feel like every time i take steps forward i am still standing in the same place- however I have been working full time at Harmony House as a CNA since April and I must say, it is the most rewarding work of all time. I never thought I could work in a geriatric facility, but I absolutely love my residents. I'm sad that the company is no longer taking long-term residents and is switching to transitional care- I love my long-term people!

I just received a letter telling me that I have been awarded COCC's Foundation Scholarship again this year! I also find out this week whether or not I made it into COCC's nursing program- I don't even know how to feel about it- besides nervous of course. I'm almost afraid to get accepted, I'm not sure if I have what it takes. Trying to not get my hopes up, the chances of getting are very slim, 1 in 4 get accepted every year. I am glad that I have a job in the medical field and I will be so ecstatic to finally get a tax return this coming year! If I don't get accepted into the program this year I will probably just take my last two classes for my associates transfer degree and take my last prerequisite towards a BS in nursing. One class per term sounds about my speed right now honestly.

My copay for daycare is astronomical, and this month I have my car insurance renewal and eye contacts to pay for- I am really exhausted of having financial constraints and difficulties, like I said, i take a few steps forward but somehow feel like I'm standing in the exact same spot. I know that though it is frustrating that it won't be like this forever... I just have to keep hanging on.

My dad very graciously hooked up my dryer yesterday- we had to by a new pigtail and do some crazy wiring but it is up and running! unfortunately the washer hoses do not fit and when i turn the water on it goes everywhere. I don't think hoses are expensive but as crazy as it sounds, i was really looking forward to doing laundry at my own house.

I suppose having my new apartment is a step forward, even if I have yet to get the washer/dryer setup up and running, at least I have a washer and dryer and the hookups for them.

I know that everything will eventually come together and that right now I just have to keep waiting and hanging on and that I have to keep my wits about me financially, even though it's exhausting, I can't give up.

Dominic is still struggling with potty training, waiting for him to learn to poop in the toilet!! I fear that day may never come! Although I've never met a normal 10 year old who wore diapers by his own choice, let's hope Dominic is out of them before then!

Otherwise my life has been relatively calm, working and going to church again at Mission church. Life isn't too terrible I suppose. Hope you all have a lovely day, it is time for me to make lunch and zip off to work!

it is well with my soul

This last week, well, the last few weeks I've been more than slightly overwhelmed.
God did this great work in my heart and immediately following, everything overwhelming and frustrating and completely out of my control happened. Neighbors yelling at me, no money for things like TP, paper towels, pull ups- AGAIN- broke again? Sigh. Then the state contacting the biological father of my son- me wanting to move... not being able to move because i didn't get the job I wanted. On top of that I have been so depressed and unmotivated that I find it hard to leave the house... especially when i have a tank of gas to last me through mid-January. Not really wanting to waste it.

I feel like every time I try and do something to better my life that I'm just STUCK or hit over the head and told no.
Because of this I was frustrated and upset and feeling sorry for myself... haha... so when my dad called me I told him all about it and  in reply he read me Psalm 143:

"Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness. 2 And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified. 3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead. 4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate."

I had been trying all day to hold it together, to not cry, to somehow retain my dignity and composure and be angry that things were not working out AT ALL- but when these words hit my ears, i didn't feel angry anymore.

He kept reading:

"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands. 6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsts after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.7 Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit fails: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit. 8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. 9 Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me."

I liked this part, because I've been hiding in my house but I should be hiding in the Lord.

"Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness. 11 Quicken me, (make me alive) O Lord, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble. 12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant. "

I really want to know how to do His will, it's been way too long since I've wanted that and I got discouraged when i mess up AGAIN and the AGAIN- but this Psalm really comforted and encouraged me to not give up- but to ask God to bring my soul out of this trouble. I have yet to ask for His help honestly... could be the problem!

Last night I was praying and thinking to myself how badly I want a friend. Not just the friend who talks to you once a week or once a month... but the friend that sticks closer than a brother.
Last night after praying I had this dream that one of my childhood friends (who is currently following God quite fiercely) came up to me out of nowhere and embraced me. This person, more than any person I know, reminds me of what Christ would look and feel and be like... this person is not perfect, no, but they love like Jesus does and, oh it sounds strange, but this person reminds me of Jesus. When you talk to this person, or are near this person, you can feel Jesus' presence... so in my dream when this friend of mine embraced me and held me tight, it wasn't my friend, it was Jesus. It felt as if in one sigh in my dream- without words- I told Him all my trouble and He loved me and He was a friend to me. When i woke up today I felt at peace and even though it's weird, i thought i should share my dream. Jesus really is our friend if we let Him be.

Also- my dad sang this song to me last night, it is written by a man who lost his children in a shipwreck, he wrote this song on his way to retrieve his wife, who was the only one who'd survived. and i thought i had troubles! God is with us in good times, but He is also a very present help in time of need.

speechless

speechless

(ironic because this is a really, really long blog entry!)

i'm at a loss for words- and for the those of you who know me that's a rare thing!

my son's heart is broken- which means so is mine.

the nations' heart is broken over the innocent lives lost.

and honestly, i am such a tender person, this breaks my heart so deeply... it's something most people don't "get" about me- when i hear about a little 2 year old girl being raped or someone in another country being viciously tortured- i WEEP, i beg God to intervene and shew His righteous power.

Lately though, Job and I have recently been saying very similar things- which isn't actually a great thing.

God has been doing some awesome things in my life as many of you know, "this poor girl cried and the Lord heard her and delivered her out of all her troubles." Psalm 34:6 (i changed the "he's" to "she's" because i really felt like God spoke this to me tonight)

but, at the same time, I look around and i see all of this pain and suffering and i'm with Job saying, 

"Why do the wicked live on,
    growing old and increasing in power?.. Their houses are safe from fear, neither is the rod of God upon them..." and even "their children dance..."! 

Basically Job and I are like, HEY! Where is God's judgement? Where His righteous indignation and squishing of evil people who persecute the innocent? I don't get it? I just don't get it! 
Then Elihu jumps in and looks at us and says,

8 "But you (Job) have said in my hearing-- I heard the very words-- 9 'I am pure and without sin; I am clean and free from guilt. 10 Yet God has found fault with me; he considers me his enemy. 11 He fastens my feet in shackles; he keeps close watch on all my paths.' 12 "But I tell you, in this you are not right, for God is greater than man. 13 Why do you complain to him that he answers none of man's words ?"

He goes on and on and then on a little bit more... very poetically stating God's authority and pretty much says, "Who are you to say God did this wickedness?" (Job 34:10) He also points out that God is so much more majestic and glorious and powerful than we are and in fact, if God wants to stop talking to us, there isn't much we can do about it.

"When he is quiet, who can condemn?

    When he hides his face, who can behold him,

    whether it be a nation or a man?" Job 34:29

Okay, okay, all the cream puff Christians are cringing- but WOW- Elihu makes a good point. Were we there when God laid the foundations of the earth? Who are we to say, "Hey God i've been noticing the way You've been doing things and I'd like to add my two cents." Yeeeeeeeeeeeah, not so smart. I think for a long time I was really stubborn and proud and like, "Life isn't fair, i don't get it. I don't like it, I don't want to look at it and understand why God lets this happen!" So then God has me read Job. Interesting... isn't it?

So I call my dad and I tell him all of this and I'm like, "Wow, God is super big and I'm super puny and who was I to ever open my mouth against the way He does what He does!?" 

My dad over the phone says, "Job is one of my favorites but, Mary, read Ephesians. I don't want you to get discouraged by only reading in the old testament- don't forget about the promises for those in Christ." 

So i flip over to Ephesians and BAM! There is the greatness of God AGAIN only now it's being shown through His... well... just read this: 

"(4)He (God/Jesus) chose us in Him (Jesus) before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love... (7) In whom WE HAVE REDEMPTION THROUGH HIS BLOOD, the FORGIVENESS OF SINS, according to the RICHES of His grace." Eph. 1:4 & 7

Sorry I had to bold all of that because to me the Holy Spirit is shaking me up inside and opening my eyes to the wonder of all of this... HE CHOSE US BEFORE THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLD!!!!!!! Can we please just dance and cheer and pop some champagne? Because- WOW!

I totally forgot how big my God is... I took Him so for granted. I am just... amazed. He loves ME? What? Really? Crazy. 

Now... back to my little one, sleeping peacefully in his bed. He has no earthly dad to speak of... none that will claim him- but my God is not just this distant POWERFUL God who holds the lightening, snow, hail, and all of creation in His hands... but He is also the Father to the fatherless... that would be my boy. Which means MY GOD is wrapping my baby in His Holy Spirit right now, comforting him.
My boy, all day, was so saddened to learn he had no earthly father that he could see or feel or see- but

because of JESUS my Mediator, I can plead the blood of Jesus and ask the Ancient of Days to not forget His promise to be a Father to the fatherless, and to be near to my baby. 

Just sayin', my God is unspeakably wonderful beyond any possible earthly expression of praise. He is worthy of our lives, our praise, our adoration, our love, our hearts, our souls... He is worthy.

i could keep going on, like how we are seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus. Wait, WHAT? Oh man. I'm glad that I took the time to pick up my Bible tonight- and I'm so glad that my Jesus lives.

Giving praise where praise is due

Today I was listening to Air1 and I heard what Brant said on the radio: "Be Reckless with Your Money" and i REFUSE to keep my mouth shut- God is so good to those who put their whole trust in Him. You all know that I'm a single mom going to school full time to become a nurse. My car broke three weeks ago (flat tire) and then I found out it needed parts (ball joints and rack bushings). My boyfriend Jesse graciously paid for the parts and repairs. once those were put in I got another flat tire which led to needing tires. ($125) and I still needed to get the darn thing aligned. (another $60)
At this point i was literally, not figuratively, SCREAMING at God to help because I was so completely broke. I had no idea where to get the $125, and even if I had it how to get the tires. I had been angry at Him and hadn't prayed in months and as a testimony to HIS GREATNESS and HIS MERCY and HIS LOVE He gave me the "Panic Attack Poem" that I posted a few days ago.
It just so happened that I had stowed away just enough Christmas money to buy the tires and still pay for getting the tires mounted and balanced (another $35) and getting the car aligned. Sadly my car was on a spare, not aligned and the tires were in Redmond.
I asked a friend to bring me to the store so I could buy pull ups, when I filled her in on all the details she volunteered to and did in fact drive to Redmond and picked up the tires for me. What a blessing! But it didn't stop there...
That Wednesday before Thanksgiving, with a teary smile, I brought my car to the one place who could get it aligned before Thursday. The guys aligning it and "found" a broken coil spring and asked for a $500 repair. I was upset but honestly, I didn't care too much, I knew that God had heard me and I trusted Him. The next day I was given $200 by someone who was told by God to give me that amount. The following day (Black Friday, the most thankless day of the year) the place agreed to repair my car FOR FREE so long as I paid for the $30 part.

The tires, alignment and parts all equaled $250. That same day one of my friends told me she wanted to give me $100 for Christmas presents for my 2 year old son. Oh and another friend of mine had given me a good amount of $$ in gas cards... all in all to say that:

GOD TAKES CARE OF HIS CHILDREN.

So, when I went to church for the first time in months and God laid an amount on my heart to give, I gave it. When I saw a "single mom of 2 year old" on the side of the street asking for money, I gave to her what God laid on my heart to give, out of what He had given me. After all, can we claim what we have in our possession as OURS? Who enabled us to breathe? Who allowed our hearts and lungs and body to function properly so that we could go to work and earn money?
I did the math and God laid on my heart to give away just $10 shy of what I had "gained", so, I actually ended up with $10 more than what I had started with even after giving back to Him... go figure, huh?

If God has put it on your heart to give then GIVE and GIVE LIBERALLY!!!! Trust Him, He hears His children when they cry and if He doesn't use you to give then I guarantee that He will find someone else to fill that need because He is a good God. 

Choose to be blessed by obeying your Father in heaven as He leads you to give. I have to say that it isn't reckless to give liberally, it is reckless to rely on your flesh and to trust in material possessions that will eventually rot away and perish. It is 100% Responsible to trust the One who owns "the cattle upon a thousand hills". (Psalm 50:10)

"And call upon Me in the day of trouble: I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me." Psalm 50:15

Panic Attack Poem

Something many of you may not know is that I have been diagnosed several times by medical professionals as having PTSD, anxiety and depression. I have struggled immensely with these diagnoses and have been immensely ashamed, guilt ridden and trapped by fear. I began seeking help when I found myself having panic attacks multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times in a day. Trauma causes what is called complex PTSD which causes panic attacks, disassociation and avoidance. Disassociation means that I will black things out of my memory permanently so that I do not have to be traumatized over and over again, however, constantly blocking memories and not processing painful experiences often leads to panic attacks. I have been working to face some of my memories little by little, and in the midst of this was at war with myself and God- today I finally screamed for help during a panic attack and help came from many, many avenues. When driving home tonight I felt another panic attack set on, I began to pray and immediately felt the presence of the Lord wash over me. My close friends know how angry I've been with God, how hurt I've been by Christians not understanding my diagnoses, and how hesitant I've been to humble myself before God. I am not perfect and I am a work in progress- but on the way home from my cancelled swim class, this song came to me. I hope you all are encouraged, challenged and motivated to be open and bare before your Maker by what He gave me to write:

Panic Attack Poem

I feel the pressure wrap around my heart,

Rip through my life and tear me apart,

I feel the devils feet stand on my chest,

His fingers shred through my brain so I can't rest-

Condemned to live with anxiety and depression,

Sent me spinning into regression,

So angry I let my pride

Take me on a downhill ride

Told myself I was strong,

They had it all wrong.

Til my world came crashing down,

Falling all around,

Til I was screaming for help,

Screaming, felt like no one could hear me.

I was screaming, screaming...

Every memory that's been lost in the blackest void,

Torn away and destroyed,

Every thought I can't remember, You hold each in Your hand

You were there when it happened and You, YOU understand.

I know I've been wrong,

I know I'm not that strong,

I was furiously writhing against the One who formed me in my mother's womb,

The one who will gather my soul from my ashen tomb,

Kicking and cursing away the One who bled out naked and tortured on a tree,
The One who went to hell and ransomed me,

HE heard me screaming, 

woke me when I knew I was dreaming

but could not bring myself to wake,

You are the thunder in my bones

You are the ominous earthquake

That settles me down and fills me with peace,

Making the devil's panic cease.

I feel the pressure clench around my heart,

Shred through my life and pull me apart,

I feel the devils feet crushing my chest,

His fingers claw through my brain so I CANNOT rest-

Who do I turn to? I turn to You.

Humbled by my own humanity- frailty-

failures- unfathomable fallibility

Hallelujah You heard my cry!

Hallelujah I didn't die,

For the Lord God Almighty,

My Sweet, Omnipotent Jesus, King on High,

Had mercy on me and HE heard my cry.

Though the devil spreads his claws

and lifts his feet above my chest,

My God does not sleep,

My God does not rest.

He is my protector,

HE is my shelter.

 

Hallelujah I am brought up from out the belly of hell!

Hallelujah! Of His love and peace I must tell.

the year of change

(A letter mostly to myself...)

The Year of Change

New beginnings spring up just as the summer flowers begin to fade and the first few frosts cover the windshield of my small, silver, worn out car. I can almost hear my car sigh out as I open the door and throw in book bag and diaper bag, my lunch and my son's lunch. My car is weary, but has not given up yet. Yesterday I chose to fill my water bottle with water instead of juice, which was a good thing, since my poor, weak old car ended up needing a drink before we were even 5 minutes down the road. I wish I had more time and money to help this old car, but I only have so much. Removing the dusty lid of the coolant tank, I poor the water in to quench the thirst of my tired car and give it a pat and say thank you for bringing me this far. I hope you are able to finish this journey with me, but I do not know if that is what will be, after all, this is the year of change.
Hope like an autumn flower beats within my chest and wakes me up at night, what a sweet reason not to sleep! Remembering the passion that burned deep from years ago, passion hotter than the ice, hot enough to melt the snow. Not a lustful passion, one that burns brighter and deeper than sensuality could ever go, I remember what it means to love, to have compassion. This is what I was made for! Not to chide, not to chasten, not to instruct and toot my own horn, but to lean over to those who need a gentle touch, and gently, genuinely, work in geriatrics. What if this were my mother? This could be my father... this could someday be me. If my brain ends up twisted, warped, aged, malfunctioned, due to over use over the years- would anyone love me? Wipe away waste, snot and tears? Not cringing at my lack of teeth or the snarl I could not control, would someone stroke my hand, and look deep into my soul? What nurses are out there who LOVE their patients? What nurses out there who care? This is a call to those who work in the medical field, our mission should be clear. It could be you, you never know, just what curve balls life will throw. Be thankful for the things you have, small, silver, worn out car and beautiful innocent children.
You never know what tomorrow brings, so bring what you can to tomorrow and have compassion for each other's sorrows. Let us remember why we chose to put our hands to this type of work, I pray it was for more than monetary gain, I hope it was because we know that this world is full of pain. If we can ease that pain in others, then we have accomplished the purpose, the call in our hearts that brought us to where we are now.
So saddle up your small, silver worn out car, be thankful it's taken you this far, and get ready for the year of change.

old song of mine :)

I don't have much time, like 10 minutes so please excuse any typos, but I found a song I had written a long time ago and it touched my heart. I don't know when I wrote it since it's not dated, but I remember writing it.

Here it is:

Dream
When I was little, I built up a dream,
Like bare feet kicking in a cool stream.
He would be handsome and tall,
He'd be strong, he'd love God, he would have it all.
My prince charming, my knight in shining armor,
He'd be romantic, not dramatic, someone I could care for.
As I grew older I became afraid,
That this I had made,
Was far too grand, my request far too tall,
So I planned to change it a little, but not all.
He didn';t have to understand my poetic, artistic side,
It may important to me, but I let it slide.
Like bare feet kicking against an empty stream,
This was my wish, this was my dream.
My bare feet kicking against the stones,
But if I'm too picky, I'll end up alone.
More and more, I took parts of my dream away,
He didn't have to be tall, or look a certain way,
He didn't need to be gentle when he spoke,
He didn't need patience, all men are provoked,
He didn't need to be a gentleman,
He didn't to fight for my affection.
Like bare feet kicking in an empty stream,
This is my wish, this is my dream.
Bare feet kicking against the stones,
But if I'm too picky I'll end up alone.
Before I knew it, this dream had come true,
A man that fit my new dream came through,
He said he loved, he swore that he cared,
Our deepest thoughts and emotions we shared.
Barefeet kicking in an empty stream,
This is my wish? This is my dream?
I kicked and kicked, hoping the water would come,
The pain so strong, my feet became number,
My ankles, bleeding, raw and sore,
And then he decided not to speak to me anymore.
In His mercy, Jesus scooped me up into His arms and bandaged up my feet,
He help my close, showered my ankles with kisses, oh so soft and sweet,
He walked me from the empty stream I'd wanted so long to be filled,
To the shore of a grand ocean, blue, calm and stilled.
The sun rising, what will come in this new day?
Will me feet ever heal? Has He brought me here to stay?
Yet I am in His arms still, as the sky begins to light,
In my Jesus' arms, held close and tight,
I realize it's not the ocean, or it's sparkling waves that I love,
It's my Jesus holding me so tender, that I've been dreaming of.
My Jesus is more than the ocean, so wide and so full,
He holds this ocean in His hand, He causes its gentle lull,
I will look to this ocean and enjoy the view,
And wherever You bring me from here, my Jesus, I love you.

trust and obey

when God says, "let go" and you are sure that you already have it figured out, it's not easy to loosen your grip and trust. when God stands closely next to you and whispers, "move..." and all you want to do is stay, it is not easy to obey.
but when we obey, when we trust- then God can intervene and do what He had been wanting to do all along. I have never been good at stepping aside, letting go and obeying God, especially when it is something intertwined in my heart, something that has become a part of me. To tear it from my heart and lay it before God is no easy request, but almost at the very second i laid it down, He swooped in with His angels and picked it up and did so much more than I ever could have, He also wrapped His arms around me so tight while I cried and cried and reassured me that He was big enough to take care of everything. It's like as soon as I got out of the way God was able to work- I have never seen that before. I've also never FULLY obeyed Him. I also have realized through spending time in His Word how much I have to learn, like talking about people behind their backs. Ummmmm, YEAH. So, so, so guilty of that, you don't even realize you're saying something bad until you think about what that person would think and feel if they were in the room. I know a few people who are VERY good at speaking their mind to people and not gossiping, but I would prefer to avoid confrontation and gossip. Not very Christ-like if you ask me. I thought all I would need to do to be walking perfectly with Him was this one big thing, then I realized how much I still have to work on. basically i wanted to put out a praise, that God is doing something huge all around and inside of me and I am in complete and total awe. I also wanted to remind people that I am human, that I am flawed and still working on following God and I do not think that I'm better than anyone. Not even kind of sorta! This is the first time in a long time that I have obeyed God oh and trusting Him is something I have to work on ALL THE TIME.
Okay, Dominic is up and wants some attention. I love all of you and I'm excited to see what the future holds!

Progress

I haven't smoked a full cigarette in almost two weeks. I had half a cig last week on Monday, and a drag on Sunday of this week but that has been it since Friday the 13th. Pleasantly ironic? I think so!
School has been a little overwhelming lately as some of you may have seen on my Facebook. I emailed my teacher and she is letting me turn in assignments that I missed and giving me partial credit for them and my friend from Mission church Kara is helping me study for the final tomorrow. *whew* What a relief!
I have A's in all of my other classes thankfully, and hopefully I can bring this other one up to a B.
I have been dating Jesse Fox since June 8th and was officially dubbed his girlfriend July 15th, right after I almost broke up with (even changed my fb status!) because he'd made it sound like he would never claim me as his girlfriend. THANK GOODNESS for communication. We walked down to a grassy plateau at the end of my street, you can see the old mill and all of the mountains; the sun was setting in a beautiful golden orange. The only other time that I have gone to that plateau was when I was pregnant with Dominic. It was my thinking spot where I made important decisions about keeping and raising Dominic. I have never brought any guy/man there. I'm glad we went, it was a good place to talk through every little uncertainty each of us had and what it meant to be "boyfriend and girlfriend". I will spare you the gushy details but he has been more than true to his word. He promised that this was not a meaningless relationship to him and that he would invest time into it. He has since stopped by to surprise me multiple times, and calls me every now and then during the week. I was not expecting that at all!! I was very surprised when he was willing to listen to me and compromise.
That is all going tolerably well still, Jesse works during the week, I go to school and take care of Dominic, and on the weekends (I still have to take care of Dominic) we get to spend some time together.
During the week I have been trying to implement mealtimes. Structured, sit-down, mealtimes. Providing fruits AND veggies, whole grain, dairy and protein. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Who in their right mind would have thought that doing this was such a huge undertaking?!?!?! I have been able to do almost every meal but I am still struggling to get him to choke down those veggies. Unless they're tomatoes and green beans, so for now, that is what his portion of veggies consists of.
I have noticed that the more I have sit-down meals the more he complies to it, I know he needs this structure and I'm glad that I'm trying to implement it now BEFORE I start going to school for my CNA Certification this fall.
I applied for a low-income grant that I'm hoping to get to help cover babysitter costs during fall term, I'll be going to class 5 days a week all day every day. YAY!! Really crossing my fingers that I get this grant because I do not know how I would get a babysitter(s) for free for all the time I'm gonna be in class.
Last night I woke up at 4am feeling completely overwhelmed by life, I wished and prayed for some escape. When I woke up I realized that there is no escape, no vacation from life and all of its responsibilities. I've been struggling with some severe anxiety this year, but I will not succumb to it- giving up is not an option. Today after learning how behind I was in a class I completed three full assignments I was behind on, on top of ACING a midterm and completing 2/3 of my LIB 127 homework. Take that self-destructive impulses, I may get stressed and become forgetful but I will not let that part of me dictate and destroy my future.
Ahem, I still have a few hoops to jump through before the CNA class begins, vaccinations, criminal background check, nursing orientation, etc. Then I get to begin studying for the TEAS test, which is what I really need to ace.
My grandpa Web has been babysitting Dominic Mon/Wed mornings and it is the biggest blessing in the world to see Dominic spend time at the same house I went to as a kid. Dominic is so smart and knows which days he goes to Great Grandpa. And on the days that he knows he gets to see his Great Grandpa... he lights up and asks, "Big Papa?" Then he runs to the door when we finally get there, oh man, it is the best feeling in the world to see my son spending time with my Grandpa.
Dominic is also getting really used to having Nolan live with us; I'm afraid Dominic will be devastated when my brother moves out, but there's not much I can do about it now except explain that Nolan is just an uncle not a dad. Try explaining that to a 2-year old, psssh, good luck!
I'm surprised you read all of that nonsense crazy! Thanks to all of my friends and family who read these updates and respond with comments and prayers and loving thoughts.

~ Mary ~

Reasons why I ENJOY quitting

Okay so I've made a list of reasons why I should quit but now that I've made it since Tuesday and only smoked a total of 4 cigarettes (better than my 10-15 a day) I've decided to list reasons why I enjoy quitting, that way when I am tempted to pick up a cigarette I'll remember things that I could be doing instead and why i ENJOY them MORE than smoking.

1. I LOVE taking walks with Dominic, we will walk for 1-2 hours at a time, leisurely looking at plants growing along the different paths we take, explaining to him all the different things we see. I love lifting him up on my shoulders to see mountains, the river, or the cars racing under the overpass. I've never felt more relaxed or calm than when I am on a walk with my son. SOOOOOOO much more enjoyable and rewarding than cancer-causing cigarettes!

2. I love inhaling and exhaling fresh air without feeling tired, walking for hours without getting winded

3. I love smelling GOOD, no smoke in my hair, on my skin, clothes, face, Dominic likes snuggling much more now I've noticed and gives me lots of kisses

4. I love the freedom of not needing to have cigarettes or a lighter on my at all times

5. Everything tastes and smells better and I feel better, mentally, emotionally and physically. Not smoking makes me realize how strong I am mentally and emotionally and how many people out there love and support me. It has been a very positive experience!

6. I love brushing my teeth and smelling how clean my hands are, and knowing that my teeth are going to stay clean, or getting out of the shower and knowing that I will smell clean ALL DAY.

Okay, those are the reasons I can think of off the top of my head, but I know there are more. Thanks again to everyone who has been encouraging me and praying for me, I know that there are a lot of you, you guys rock!

Update :)

             For those kind souls who have been rooting for me to quit smoking cigarettes   THANK YOU! Every time I check my Facebook and see all the encouraging comments I remember that I am doing this for lots and lots of good reasons. I did smoke one cigarette earlier this evening but that is all I've smoked in the past two days... I'm hoping to be completely done by the end of the week.

             I found out that I did in fact get all A's this term- this is the first term of 12 credits that I managed to get ALL A's in! I usually get two A's and a B+ so this is a big deal for me, I worked really hard and am so glad I was able to accomplish this.  Now all I have left for school is to,
1. Get my CPR certification
2. Get my CNA certification
3. Pass the TEAS test
4. Apply to the nursing program in spring 2013
Since I drank coffee to curb my nicotine craving, I am going to tell all of you lovely people my tentative plan on how I am going to accomplish those 4 things.
First of all, I owe back utilities, have to pay car insurance, get eye contacts, pay money to get my CPR certification since I need that to do the CNA certification this fall, blah, blah, blah, and this term I get less financial aid AND I can't do work study up at the college for extra income. SO- I am going to try to get a job for the summer. I will get my CNA-1 certificate fall term and my CNA-2 certificate winter term. I can then work as a CNA-2, take the TEAS test, apply and pray that I get into the nursing program. I'm debating applying to the nursing program in Portland as well as here in Bend, but even my adviser said it would be best if I could stay where I have a support group.
I agree, especially since my support group is so awesome. (AKA you people who have read this far! WOOO!!! I love you guys!!!! I could not do all that I do without having so many people rooting me on, praying for me, and encouraging me every step of the way. Thank you.)
         
           Dominic is getting enormous, as you may have seen on my Facebook he got his first bike, which he loves. I need to start potty training him, which will be difficult since I will hopefully be working this summer, but we'll work on it these next two weeks and see what we can do to get him started in the right direction. I'm kinda bummed that I have to work and miss out on spending time with Dominic, especially since this fall and winter term will be ridiculous... He's growing up so fast and it feels like I never spend enough quality time with him. I wish I had a clone that could go to school and work for me so I could stay home and enjoy my son and make sure that he is being raised right. I know that I am my most severe critic, but no matter what any of my friends try to tell me, material wealth is NOT as important as time with my son. He doesn't need fancy things, all that matters are that his basic needs are met (which I have been doing), beyond that he needs his MOM more than nice clothes, more toys or a bigger house.
           Unfortunately I don't know that I can meet those basic needs without a job this summer, even with school loans/grants and borrowing money from my parents, (my absolute favorite thing to do, sigh) it's really frustrating.   Please pray that I can get a job! The state will help with daycare if I'm working 20+ hours a week, let's hope I find something soon.
          Remarkably I have run out of things to write about, but not energy. I best try and sleep since I am working tomorrow, I hope you all have a lovely day. Keep it real folks, keep it real. 
  

Reasons to NOT SMOKE

Okay, I'm posting this here so that I can look back on it and remember all of the reasons why I made the choice to quit smoking cigarettes, that and i'm running out of activities to keep my mind off of smoking so I'm going to do this, I think it will help.

Reasons Why I Choose to Quit Smoking

1. I do not want Dominic to smoke later in life
2. I cannot afford any extra expenses, especially ones that are detrimental to my health
3. I hate smelling like smoke all the time
4. I hate the way my mouth and throat feel after smoking
5. I hate being dependent on cigarettes for stress relief
6. I hate being a disappointment to my friends and family
7. I enjoy smelling good
8. I have more energy to go on long walks
9. I don't get winded when I walk up hills
10. I'll have more money for important things like diapers and gas and be less of a drain on everyone
11. I will be a more reputable health care worker as a non-smoker by practicing what I preach
12. I will be at a lower risk for stroke
13. Lower risk for heart disease
14. Lower risk for osteroporosis
15. Lower risk for hypertension
16. Lower risk for lung, throat and mouth cancer
17. Lower risk of all cause mortality
18. My hair will smell good again
19. I won't be embarrassed by someone catching me in the act of smoking a cigarette if I never smoke at all
20. I will set a good example for my son
21. It will be one less thing to stress about, feel guilty about and talk about; one less burden in my life

Your Love

I was gonna wait to post this, to make sure everyone had read my blog from last night, so STOP if you have not read my previous blog posted at 12am this morning please do so before reading the following song, because it'll make much more sense if you do.

Your Love

Jesus Your love is amazing,

You never stopped loving me. (2x)

You heard me as I was crying,

You heard all my prayers and my sighing,

And though I am least deserving,

You still comforted me,

He comforts me,

My Jesus comforts me.

Like as a Father pities His Child,

You are the Great I am, yet tender and mild.

The Almighty God stooped to hold me tight,

The King of kings, stayed my fears that night.

(Chorus)

You saw me as I was dying,

You saw all the vain in all my trying,

And though I am least deserving,

You saved me,

He saves me,

My Jesus saves me.

He holds all my tears in a bottle,

He holds my heart in His hand,

And though my life is but a vapor,

Just a grain of sand,

He died to pay for my sin.

(Chorus)

You saw through all my lying,
You saw all the truth I was denying,
And though I am least deserving,
He loved me,
He loves me,
My Jesus loves me.

Though my sins were as crimson,
You make me white as snow,
Though I'd been trapped by my fears,
I watch as You make them go.
(Chorus) 

the ugly truth

I am afraid of disappointing you
I am afraid you'll know who I really am
I am afraid you'll see my failures, past and present and turn away in disgust
I am afraid I will fail
I am afraid you'll realize that i am a game player
i am afraid you will see my sin, all the disgusting things I have done to please myself and that you will run in the opposite direction or tell me to never speak to you again.

I know ALL the right things to say and that scares me because i can look you in the eye and convince you that I am okay spiritually; that I am strong, happy and brilliant when really i am a lying, miserable, greedy, selfish human who does what is best for me.

Thankfully, you're my dad. You told me that God helped you through the same stuff, the EXACT same stuff that I'm going through right now. You told me that even though it feels futile, to not give up. Besides, I was honest with you, and finally i'm making a step in the right direction. You know that I BS people and myself because I'm scared that I'll lose them. I know that I've let God down. He's done everything for me and I have run away and hid from Him because I'm ashamed and I don't know how to get up. The thing is, tonight I realized out of all of these friends that I have bullshitted so efficiently, not a one knows me, knows the real me. The ugly me. We all have an ugly side, that part we bury down so deep we think maybe it's gone, maybe it never existed, but when it rears its ugly head we realize how alone we really are. Not because people didn't want to get close, but because we didn't let them get close. I'm alone because I was scared to be honest, with anyone. I would be honest in little bits and pieces, but living a double life is what i do best. It's who I am, but you know that. You're my dad. You've done the same thing. You've said all the right words to all the right people even while you're cringing inside as you speak, knowing you're heart is so far from the things coming out of your mouth.

The thing that I hate to think about the most, is that I've let Him down, you know, Jesus. I have even come to the point where if I died today and saw Jesus and He told me i didn't make it in, I would understand. He is right and I love Him. It doesn't make sense, maybe it's because my heart has believed so many lies... you understand that too, don't you?

What amazes me is that while I was sitting on the floor crying because I feel so completely trapped in my sin, I cried out to Him, to Jesus, and told Him I needed so desperately for someone to talk to, someone who understood how trapped and frustrated and hopeless I feel. Someone who not only understood but who could help, and who would've thunk it Dad, he brought me you. He also brought me Pete... who is like a second dad. Okay i'm officially the luckiest girl EVER to have two father figures who have not given up on me even though they know what a complete hypocritical failure i am.

A lot of kids don't know their dads, some have abusive dads or ones that are barely around. Not you, Dad. Even in all your imperfection, you love Jesus and when you called me about the laundry and heard me crying, you knew just what to say and not because you were saying what I wanted to hear, but because you've been through this yourself.

Being honest and vulnerable is the most terrifying thing in the world, and I am so blessed to have a dad who understands, and a God who cared enough to get my dad to pick up the phone and call me. I have believed for so long that I was Esau; that God had given up on me, but after you and Pete talked to me, I'm beginning to see that maybe God never gave up on me, I just got tricked into thinking He did. So Dad, this is what I'm gonna do: Before I go making radical changes and try to go be super righteous and above all my sin, I'm gonna start reminding myself every day that God made me, called me, and has not once EVER given up on me. If He had, then why would you have called? Why would Pete have been online and talk to me even though it has literally been almost a decade since we've had a heart-to-heart?
It is completely undeserved, yet Jesus never stopped loving me. He NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME. I want to scream it out loud until it gets from my head into my heart. Thank you Jesus, for never giving up on me. You are truly beyond what I can even describe. Thank You... Thank You.

Sun Shine Again

The best part about this song, is that as I was playing the final note, it began to snow.

Sun Shine Again

Winter and rain,

Oh sun please shine again,

I don't know how much more I can bear,

Oh sun what are you doing up there?

Snow and ice I feel,

Your cold breath is far too real.

I don't know how much more I can face,

Or how much more pain my heart can embrace

Oh sun please shine again,

Melt all the snow and disappointment

I've been trying to brave this storm,

But I'm dying to once more feel warm.

My soul is covered in snow,

Oh sun where did you go?

What did I do,

To so anger you?

The cold wind blows all around,

I'm sitting here, freezing on the ground

I can't move, can't even breathe,

Oh sun won't you make the winter leave?

Sun shine again (x3)

Melt these icicles off of my skin

Help!

This song has been stuck in my head and before reading any further please listen to it



I have been so down lately and i do appreciate all the people who have stood by and helped me along the way. I never used to need anybody's help (pre-Dominic) or at least i thought that i didn't need anybody's help. Now that money is always tight and i'm always stressed and worried I need help from so many people and amazingly people keep helping me. My sister Katie is the best at pushing me through the door when i want to be recluse and cry all my troubles away and my sister Joanna is the best listener when i begin to share my "verbal vomit" and my parents are AWESOME sounding boards when I'm making important decisions about my living situation, disciplining Dominic, school, and relationships. They have also sacrificed their time on a regular basis to babysit Dominic so that I can continue my education. My brother Nolan may vex me at times, but he loves Dominic so much and also helps babysit on a regular basis.
I cannot even begin to describe the extended family i have found at Mission church and even though i've been hiding from them i know they're still praying for me. My extended family goes beyond that to so many people that I have known for years and years and even through all of my ups and downs are still here cheering and praying for me. You know who you are!!! (Chelsea Z., Joanna Stoops, Sarah Klacik... though i think that's your maiden name now!! CRAZY! and many, many more)

This blog is a quick thank you to everyone of you who has not given up on me, who has stood by my side through thick and thin, supported me with your love, time, finances, prayers and friendship. I am so glad that when I start singing, "HELP!" I have a family and extended family that comes running to my side.
Love you all so very much, oh and Dominic says hello. He has a little cold but otherwise is doing wonderfully and saying so many new words! Take care and know that if you ever need me I'm just a song away.

recognizing the obvious

I'm a single mom. I don't really like identifying myself as this but now that it's been almost two years i think i'm finally able to realize that there is no knight in shining armor and i may be doing this alone for awhile.

Dominic turns 2 on Friday, i had told everyone that as soon as he turned 2 i would start potty training. I got the pull ups, have been browsing training toilets asking him to tell me when i poops (he can sign and say "poop"!) and teaching him to pull his pants up and take them off. If i have had this set in my mind to do then why am i so unsure now that Friday is only three days away??

My brother Nolan agreed to help teach Dominic how to pee but I don't think that'll come til Dominic can sit on the potty and go at the appropriate time. I don't know the first thing about starting this or how to get him to actually PEE on a little toilet.

Chemistry starts in 20 minutes so I better hurry and finish getting ready... love you all!

defeated

disclaimer: mom, dad, grandpa and others who get uncomfortable when i write about one of the most prominent sins that my generation deals with, be forewarned, i am once again going to write about sex.
 
for many people, abstinence is something that they believe very strongly in. for a lot of those people it comes relatively easy, people who have had either little to no sexual experience tend to find it easier to be abstinent, i know this from personal experience to be true.
Not to say that those people are never tempted, but once a person gives in to the same sin, over and over and over and over... the harder it is for that person to break free.
i am one of those people who has a tough time breaking free.

there are countless reasons to have premarital sex:
loneliness
stress
hopelessness
lust
defeat
confusion
a feeling of helpless and despair

boredom
curiosity
pride
anger
rebellion
selfishness
bitterness
apathy
ignorance

These are just a few things i can think of off the top of my head... now the root cause for giving in to the temptation of fornication is simply this:
not giving those things over to God

even though i gave my sexual sin over to God, repented and turned away, i held onto the things that caused me to fall in the first place. Loneliness, a feeling of helpless and despair, lust, hopelessness, confusion, stress beyond my ability to carry etc...

if I had immediately given these things to God, laid them at His feet and recognized their destructive power, perhaps I would not be sitting here feeling so completely ridiculous and ashamed.
what made me want to turn away? was it something that was too much for me to handle that God could not provide a way for escape? No. Nothing is. Unfortunately I was blind to all of the precursors of sin. Holding onto stress is the biggest thing... it doesn't seem like a blatant sin but it is. Not trusting God with our lives is what draws us away. Thinking that we know what to do with our lives more than God does, that our plan is better than His, is very dangerous. in fact, it was the downfall of an infamous angel, who we all now know as Satan.

This is my latest discovery and I think it may be a crucial one. If i want to stay abstinent, to live holy and blameless in His eyes, to pursue God with all that I am- I have to give Him everything, even things that don't seem to matter. It's the little things we love holding onto that are our downfall. for if we are holding on to anything other God, when we stumble, our hands will be full of little, itty-bitty things that we cherish. Nothing but Christ has any foundation. When we stumble and are holding onto anything other than Christ- we fall. We will fall if we hold onto our lust, our stress, our pride, independence, feelings of superiority, hopelessness, confusion. Many of us enjoy those things, or feel the need to hold onto them.

"let go to be held up child"

this is what needs to happen before we can truly be free.