The Good Mother

I know it's been just shy of eight years since I posted, but I'm going to skip the pleasantries and jump right into what is on my heart.

As many of you know I got married last year in September. My husband and I agreed that a traditional family is what we believe in and what we want.

Now, after 20+ years of working, staying home full-time with my son and home schooling is... hard. Harder than any job I've ever had. You know why? Well there are a lot of reasons, but the one that is getting the better of me is what I want to write about, because I have a hunch that I'm not alone.

There is this incessant nagging feeling inside of me that says, "You are not enough. You are not doing enough. You are of no value to this world."

*Insert swear words of your choice here.*

There is this weight, as the thoughts continue, "You are not living up to your potential. You could be a doctor! A writer! Anything you want to be!" This constant dialogue continues its unabashed barrage as I continue to push through and do the daily tasks at hand. It continues through the dishes, the laundry, the meal making, the constant cleaning and finally, I break under the weight of these words.

I lay in my bed thinking of the things ahead of me tomorrow, they seem so small, and yet my cute little anxiety and PTSD rear their ugly heads, making me feel completely worthless for not wanting to leave the safety of my home. For wanting to be safe. Then the tears come as I pray desperately for relief. 

Then He comes and speaks life into my soul, "Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28)

I then imagine heaven as a great sifter, or noodle drain if you will, where the substance of me will remain, but all of the anxiety, depression, PTSD, all of it, will be gone the moment I walk through those pearly gates. This brings on more tears as I ask God to give me deliverance here and now on this earth. 

I hear that still small voice in my soul ask for a song. I am weary. Crying. All that comes to mind is: "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me..." I sing the song and grow silent.

As I meditate, I hear in my heart a question, "Why are you looking to the world for validation and approval? You will never find it there. You will always feel this way if you look to the world for those things."

It dawns on me that, I am not of this world, so, why should I be holding myself to worldly standards?

What does God say is required of me? Have I labored today? Yes. Yes I have. Have I done what He has asked me to do? Yes. Yes I have.

Would the Blessed Virgin Mary tell me I should go out and get a job?  Would she look at me, and shake her head? 

No. She would look at me lovingly and tell me not to give up, and to continue to nourish the souls and bodies of my child and my husband.

This is what I was created to do. I do not have to live up to anyone's standards except for God's. I do not need to look to the world for approval. I do not need to look to the world for validation. I will not find it there. I will look for it in the eyes of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will remember his wounds and find refuge in Him. 

I am weak, but you know what? He is strong.

The Lord's Prayer... more than just a good song.

Okay- so I am currently trying to ignore my nicotine cravings and having difficulty. to help distract me from said cravings I am going to post something that has been very challenging and helpful to me and I'm hoping it will be the same for those of you who read this.


I have been attending Mission church and during their "On Earth as it is in Heaven" series they went over prayer and love. What I really got out of it was a challenge- to pray according to the structure of the Lord's prayer.

First let's read the Lord's prayer, and remember that this is how Jesus instructed us to pray:

"Our Father which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever."      -- Amen.

 Matthew 6:9-13

I have taken my notes from Pastor Brent's service that morning and this scripture and created a prayer structure, but before I go into that I want to challenge you-

Does your prayer life have structure?
                      
                 Do you wait patiently for God to speak?
                                       
                                    Do you expect an answer from Him?

  

                                                 Do you set aside TIME to spend in prayer, concentrated, deliberate, determined and intentional, time in prayer?

For me, when confronted in my heart with these questions by the Holy Spirit, it was a huge, "Wake up Mary, you do not do these things at all and you really need to!"

This is how my past prayer life has gone for as long as I can remember: I sit down, begin to gush out all of the petty things that I want, then get distracted, cut my prayer time short, forget what I'm praying about and then give up after spending 5 minutes reading the Bible.  That... or I pray long, gut wrenching honest prayers of my needs and my desires, my problems, but usually it's all about me, me, me, me.

sound familiar?

Thankfully after looking hard into the mirror of God's Word and realizing my spiritual hair was a mess by the conviction of His perfect Holy Spirit- I decided to act and use a spiritual comb.

This is the prayer structure that God inspired me to create for myself (my "spiritual comb" as it were) and let me tell you what, if you want your spiritual life to be blessed, if you want to dig deep into your relationship with the Holy One, if you want to be challenged in the aspect of waiting and spending time with God- if you want a spiritual comb to run through your soul- this is an exceptionally powerful tool.

A key element of this is to remember to be perfectly open and transparent with God- after all, He created you and the earth you live in, oh and He raised up from the dead on the third day and defeated death and hell- I'm pretty sure He can handle whatever you have going on, no matter how big.

The Lord's Prayer 

~ made personal ~

 

WORSHIP 

"Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be Thy name..."

This is how to start off your prayer, recognizing God as who He is, Holy, Perfect, Eternal Savior and Lord. 

Example: Lord You are my Redeemer, thank You for hearing my prayers last night and answering all of them so miraculously just like I knew You would. I am so thankful for Your friendship, I would be lost without You.

Note: When I first began my prayer structure I used this section to ask God to teach me HOW to praise Him, He led me to the Psalms, and the more I practice praising Him, the more natural it becomes.

HIS KINGDOM, HIS WILL  

"Thy Kingdom come Thy will be done as earth as it is in heaven."

This is where you check your heart, surrender your will to His. You can generalize this or you can make it very personal.

Example: Jesus, I want (insert desire here) but not my will, Yours be done. Oh Jesus... Help me to desire Your will! Change my heart so that it reflects Yours, so that my desires are aligned with what You have in store for me. Establish Your kingdom, direct me in ways to the furtherance of Your Kingdom, open my eyes to ways that I can do this, don't let me forget that I am living for Your Kingdom- not mine.

Note: This is a crucial part of the prayer structure! Our requests need to be aligned with His will before He can really work in our lives and move mountains- so before asking for things, ensure that your heart and His are on the same page, and if not ask Him to align your heart! He loves an honest and willing servant!

DAILY BREAD 

"Give us this day our daily bread"

This is where you ask for the things that you need, this is where most of us start our prayers-but what a sweet blessing to get to this part of prayer after having praised God, and set in our hearts that we trust Him, and submitted our wills to His!

Example: Father, You have said that You will not withhold any good thing from Your children and I am Your child by the gracious blood of Jesus- so I ask that You continue to provide what I have need of, thank You for your faithfulness.

FORGIVE AND BE FORGIVEN  

"And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors"

This is a part that most of us skip past, either one part or both, whether intentionally or not- but I have found that this part can be one of the most freeing aspects of my prayer time. 

This is where we confess before God forgiveness to those who have wronged us, and ask Him to change our hearts towards those people. 

It is very important to do this before asking forgiveness,  

"For if you forgive men their trespasses your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15  

This verse is directly after the Lord's prayer- hmm, must be important in regards to our prayer life then, huh? Then of course, confess to God your sin.

Example: Father, help me to forgive (insert name here). This person hurt me so deeply and I don't understand why. I am so angry, but I choose to forgive them because You forgave me. 

Forgive me for getting angry quickly- make me like You, slow to anger, slow to speak and quick to forgive.

DELIVERANCE 

 "...And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil..."

This part is so crazy good for me, I love laying all of my struggles out there before the Lord, because when I lay them down at His feet then He can deal with them and I don't have to bear their weight anymore. This is a great place to be super transparent with the Lord, tell Him what trips you up and ask for His help!

Example: Lord, deliver me from an angry spirit, self-righteousness, self-pity, resentment, hostility, anxiety, depression, covetousness, dissatisfaction, restlessness, moping; disbelief. Teach me to trust in You even when what You are telling me to do doesn't make sense. Teach me how to guard my heart, let Your Holy Spirit have full reign in my life, convict me of anything that would keep me from being close to You.

WAIT EXPECTANTLY 

"For THINE is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever, amen."

I think that most of us struggle with this part more than any other part, but read that verse one more time.

Okay now read it again.

                   He owns the entire Kingdom...

                                    He holds all the power...

                                                   He contains all the glory...

                                                                                FOREVER.

I challenge you to ask in faith, believing that God is who He says He is- and wait upon Him. I typically use this section to ask God to speak to me through the Bible.

Example: Lord, please teach me to wait upon You as I read Your Word- speak to me. Help me to be still and know that You are God.

 

ANSWER

This is the section where you record how God answered your prayer.

I always write this part down, before I even start reading my Bible. It's a very cool way to activate your faith- it is the most triumphant and powerful feeling when I end my prayer this way, believing that God will answer me as He has promised. Ever since I have started praying this way the "Answer" section has been filled- and it is still amazing and wonderful and life changing every single time He answers me. Typically He answers me through His Word, God truly speaks to us through His Word:

"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, I hope it encouraged and challenged you as I know it has me!

waiting

feel like every time i take steps forward i am still standing in the same place- however I have been working full time at Harmony House as a CNA since April and I must say, it is the most rewarding work of all time. I never thought I could work in a geriatric facility, but I absolutely love my residents. I'm sad that the company is no longer taking long-term residents and is switching to transitional care- I love my long-term people!

I just received a letter telling me that I have been awarded COCC's Foundation Scholarship again this year! I also find out this week whether or not I made it into COCC's nursing program- I don't even know how to feel about it- besides nervous of course. I'm almost afraid to get accepted, I'm not sure if I have what it takes. Trying to not get my hopes up, the chances of getting are very slim, 1 in 4 get accepted every year. I am glad that I have a job in the medical field and I will be so ecstatic to finally get a tax return this coming year! If I don't get accepted into the program this year I will probably just take my last two classes for my associates transfer degree and take my last prerequisite towards a BS in nursing. One class per term sounds about my speed right now honestly.

My copay for daycare is astronomical, and this month I have my car insurance renewal and eye contacts to pay for- I am really exhausted of having financial constraints and difficulties, like I said, i take a few steps forward but somehow feel like I'm standing in the exact same spot. I know that though it is frustrating that it won't be like this forever... I just have to keep hanging on.

My dad very graciously hooked up my dryer yesterday- we had to by a new pigtail and do some crazy wiring but it is up and running! unfortunately the washer hoses do not fit and when i turn the water on it goes everywhere. I don't think hoses are expensive but as crazy as it sounds, i was really looking forward to doing laundry at my own house.

I suppose having my new apartment is a step forward, even if I have yet to get the washer/dryer setup up and running, at least I have a washer and dryer and the hookups for them.

I know that everything will eventually come together and that right now I just have to keep waiting and hanging on and that I have to keep my wits about me financially, even though it's exhausting, I can't give up.

Dominic is still struggling with potty training, waiting for him to learn to poop in the toilet!! I fear that day may never come! Although I've never met a normal 10 year old who wore diapers by his own choice, let's hope Dominic is out of them before then!

Otherwise my life has been relatively calm, working and going to church again at Mission church. Life isn't too terrible I suppose. Hope you all have a lovely day, it is time for me to make lunch and zip off to work!

it is well with my soul

This last week, well, the last few weeks I've been more than slightly overwhelmed.
God did this great work in my heart and immediately following, everything overwhelming and frustrating and completely out of my control happened. Neighbors yelling at me, no money for things like TP, paper towels, pull ups- AGAIN- broke again? Sigh. Then the state contacting the biological father of my son- me wanting to move... not being able to move because i didn't get the job I wanted. On top of that I have been so depressed and unmotivated that I find it hard to leave the house... especially when i have a tank of gas to last me through mid-January. Not really wanting to waste it.

I feel like every time I try and do something to better my life that I'm just STUCK or hit over the head and told no.
Because of this I was frustrated and upset and feeling sorry for myself... haha... so when my dad called me I told him all about it and  in reply he read me Psalm 143:

"Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness. 2 And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified. 3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead. 4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate."

I had been trying all day to hold it together, to not cry, to somehow retain my dignity and composure and be angry that things were not working out AT ALL- but when these words hit my ears, i didn't feel angry anymore.

He kept reading:

"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands. 6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsts after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.7 Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit fails: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit. 8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. 9 Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me."

I liked this part, because I've been hiding in my house but I should be hiding in the Lord.

"Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness. 11 Quicken me, (make me alive) O Lord, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble. 12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant. "

I really want to know how to do His will, it's been way too long since I've wanted that and I got discouraged when i mess up AGAIN and the AGAIN- but this Psalm really comforted and encouraged me to not give up- but to ask God to bring my soul out of this trouble. I have yet to ask for His help honestly... could be the problem!

Last night I was praying and thinking to myself how badly I want a friend. Not just the friend who talks to you once a week or once a month... but the friend that sticks closer than a brother.
Last night after praying I had this dream that one of my childhood friends (who is currently following God quite fiercely) came up to me out of nowhere and embraced me. This person, more than any person I know, reminds me of what Christ would look and feel and be like... this person is not perfect, no, but they love like Jesus does and, oh it sounds strange, but this person reminds me of Jesus. When you talk to this person, or are near this person, you can feel Jesus' presence... so in my dream when this friend of mine embraced me and held me tight, it wasn't my friend, it was Jesus. It felt as if in one sigh in my dream- without words- I told Him all my trouble and He loved me and He was a friend to me. When i woke up today I felt at peace and even though it's weird, i thought i should share my dream. Jesus really is our friend if we let Him be.

Also- my dad sang this song to me last night, it is written by a man who lost his children in a shipwreck, he wrote this song on his way to retrieve his wife, who was the only one who'd survived. and i thought i had troubles! God is with us in good times, but He is also a very present help in time of need.

speechless

speechless

(ironic because this is a really, really long blog entry!)

i'm at a loss for words- and for the those of you who know me that's a rare thing!

my son's heart is broken- which means so is mine.

the nations' heart is broken over the innocent lives lost.

and honestly, i am such a tender person, this breaks my heart so deeply... it's something most people don't "get" about me- when i hear about a little 2 year old girl being raped or someone in another country being viciously tortured- i WEEP, i beg God to intervene and shew His righteous power.

Lately though, Job and I have recently been saying very similar things- which isn't actually a great thing.

God has been doing some awesome things in my life as many of you know, "this poor girl cried and the Lord heard her and delivered her out of all her troubles." Psalm 34:6 (i changed the "he's" to "she's" because i really felt like God spoke this to me tonight)

but, at the same time, I look around and i see all of this pain and suffering and i'm with Job saying, 

"Why do the wicked live on,
    growing old and increasing in power?.. Their houses are safe from fear, neither is the rod of God upon them..." and even "their children dance..."! 

Basically Job and I are like, HEY! Where is God's judgement? Where His righteous indignation and squishing of evil people who persecute the innocent? I don't get it? I just don't get it! 
Then Elihu jumps in and looks at us and says,

8 "But you (Job) have said in my hearing-- I heard the very words-- 9 'I am pure and without sin; I am clean and free from guilt. 10 Yet God has found fault with me; he considers me his enemy. 11 He fastens my feet in shackles; he keeps close watch on all my paths.' 12 "But I tell you, in this you are not right, for God is greater than man. 13 Why do you complain to him that he answers none of man's words ?"

He goes on and on and then on a little bit more... very poetically stating God's authority and pretty much says, "Who are you to say God did this wickedness?" (Job 34:10) He also points out that God is so much more majestic and glorious and powerful than we are and in fact, if God wants to stop talking to us, there isn't much we can do about it.

"When he is quiet, who can condemn?

    When he hides his face, who can behold him,

    whether it be a nation or a man?" Job 34:29

Okay, okay, all the cream puff Christians are cringing- but WOW- Elihu makes a good point. Were we there when God laid the foundations of the earth? Who are we to say, "Hey God i've been noticing the way You've been doing things and I'd like to add my two cents." Yeeeeeeeeeeeah, not so smart. I think for a long time I was really stubborn and proud and like, "Life isn't fair, i don't get it. I don't like it, I don't want to look at it and understand why God lets this happen!" So then God has me read Job. Interesting... isn't it?

So I call my dad and I tell him all of this and I'm like, "Wow, God is super big and I'm super puny and who was I to ever open my mouth against the way He does what He does!?" 

My dad over the phone says, "Job is one of my favorites but, Mary, read Ephesians. I don't want you to get discouraged by only reading in the old testament- don't forget about the promises for those in Christ." 

So i flip over to Ephesians and BAM! There is the greatness of God AGAIN only now it's being shown through His... well... just read this: 

"(4)He (God/Jesus) chose us in Him (Jesus) before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love... (7) In whom WE HAVE REDEMPTION THROUGH HIS BLOOD, the FORGIVENESS OF SINS, according to the RICHES of His grace." Eph. 1:4 & 7

Sorry I had to bold all of that because to me the Holy Spirit is shaking me up inside and opening my eyes to the wonder of all of this... HE CHOSE US BEFORE THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLD!!!!!!! Can we please just dance and cheer and pop some champagne? Because- WOW!

I totally forgot how big my God is... I took Him so for granted. I am just... amazed. He loves ME? What? Really? Crazy. 

Now... back to my little one, sleeping peacefully in his bed. He has no earthly dad to speak of... none that will claim him- but my God is not just this distant POWERFUL God who holds the lightening, snow, hail, and all of creation in His hands... but He is also the Father to the fatherless... that would be my boy. Which means MY GOD is wrapping my baby in His Holy Spirit right now, comforting him.
My boy, all day, was so saddened to learn he had no earthly father that he could see or feel or see- but

because of JESUS my Mediator, I can plead the blood of Jesus and ask the Ancient of Days to not forget His promise to be a Father to the fatherless, and to be near to my baby. 

Just sayin', my God is unspeakably wonderful beyond any possible earthly expression of praise. He is worthy of our lives, our praise, our adoration, our love, our hearts, our souls... He is worthy.

i could keep going on, like how we are seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus. Wait, WHAT? Oh man. I'm glad that I took the time to pick up my Bible tonight- and I'm so glad that my Jesus lives.

Giving praise where praise is due

Today I was listening to Air1 and I heard what Brant said on the radio: "Be Reckless with Your Money" and i REFUSE to keep my mouth shut- God is so good to those who put their whole trust in Him. You all know that I'm a single mom going to school full time to become a nurse. My car broke three weeks ago (flat tire) and then I found out it needed parts (ball joints and rack bushings). My boyfriend Jesse graciously paid for the parts and repairs. once those were put in I got another flat tire which led to needing tires. ($125) and I still needed to get the darn thing aligned. (another $60)
At this point i was literally, not figuratively, SCREAMING at God to help because I was so completely broke. I had no idea where to get the $125, and even if I had it how to get the tires. I had been angry at Him and hadn't prayed in months and as a testimony to HIS GREATNESS and HIS MERCY and HIS LOVE He gave me the "Panic Attack Poem" that I posted a few days ago.
It just so happened that I had stowed away just enough Christmas money to buy the tires and still pay for getting the tires mounted and balanced (another $35) and getting the car aligned. Sadly my car was on a spare, not aligned and the tires were in Redmond.
I asked a friend to bring me to the store so I could buy pull ups, when I filled her in on all the details she volunteered to and did in fact drive to Redmond and picked up the tires for me. What a blessing! But it didn't stop there...
That Wednesday before Thanksgiving, with a teary smile, I brought my car to the one place who could get it aligned before Thursday. The guys aligning it and "found" a broken coil spring and asked for a $500 repair. I was upset but honestly, I didn't care too much, I knew that God had heard me and I trusted Him. The next day I was given $200 by someone who was told by God to give me that amount. The following day (Black Friday, the most thankless day of the year) the place agreed to repair my car FOR FREE so long as I paid for the $30 part.

The tires, alignment and parts all equaled $250. That same day one of my friends told me she wanted to give me $100 for Christmas presents for my 2 year old son. Oh and another friend of mine had given me a good amount of $$ in gas cards... all in all to say that:

GOD TAKES CARE OF HIS CHILDREN.

So, when I went to church for the first time in months and God laid an amount on my heart to give, I gave it. When I saw a "single mom of 2 year old" on the side of the street asking for money, I gave to her what God laid on my heart to give, out of what He had given me. After all, can we claim what we have in our possession as OURS? Who enabled us to breathe? Who allowed our hearts and lungs and body to function properly so that we could go to work and earn money?
I did the math and God laid on my heart to give away just $10 shy of what I had "gained", so, I actually ended up with $10 more than what I had started with even after giving back to Him... go figure, huh?

If God has put it on your heart to give then GIVE and GIVE LIBERALLY!!!! Trust Him, He hears His children when they cry and if He doesn't use you to give then I guarantee that He will find someone else to fill that need because He is a good God. 

Choose to be blessed by obeying your Father in heaven as He leads you to give. I have to say that it isn't reckless to give liberally, it is reckless to rely on your flesh and to trust in material possessions that will eventually rot away and perish. It is 100% Responsible to trust the One who owns "the cattle upon a thousand hills". (Psalm 50:10)

"And call upon Me in the day of trouble: I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me." Psalm 50:15

Panic Attack Poem

Something many of you may not know is that I have been diagnosed several times by medical professionals as having PTSD, anxiety and depression. I have struggled immensely with these diagnoses and have been immensely ashamed, guilt ridden and trapped by fear. I began seeking help when I found myself having panic attacks multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times in a day. Trauma causes what is called complex PTSD which causes panic attacks, disassociation and avoidance. Disassociation means that I will black things out of my memory permanently so that I do not have to be traumatized over and over again, however, constantly blocking memories and not processing painful experiences often leads to panic attacks. I have been working to face some of my memories little by little, and in the midst of this was at war with myself and God- today I finally screamed for help during a panic attack and help came from many, many avenues. When driving home tonight I felt another panic attack set on, I began to pray and immediately felt the presence of the Lord wash over me. My close friends know how angry I've been with God, how hurt I've been by Christians not understanding my diagnoses, and how hesitant I've been to humble myself before God. I am not perfect and I am a work in progress- but on the way home from my cancelled swim class, this song came to me. I hope you all are encouraged, challenged and motivated to be open and bare before your Maker by what He gave me to write:

Panic Attack Poem

I feel the pressure wrap around my heart,

Rip through my life and tear me apart,

I feel the devils feet stand on my chest,

His fingers shred through my brain so I can't rest-

Condemned to live with anxiety and depression,

Sent me spinning into regression,

So angry I let my pride

Take me on a downhill ride

Told myself I was strong,

They had it all wrong.

Til my world came crashing down,

Falling all around,

Til I was screaming for help,

Screaming, felt like no one could hear me.

I was screaming, screaming...

Every memory that's been lost in the blackest void,

Torn away and destroyed,

Every thought I can't remember, You hold each in Your hand

You were there when it happened and You, YOU understand.

I know I've been wrong,

I know I'm not that strong,

I was furiously writhing against the One who formed me in my mother's womb,

The one who will gather my soul from my ashen tomb,

Kicking and cursing away the One who bled out naked and tortured on a tree,
The One who went to hell and ransomed me,

HE heard me screaming, 

woke me when I knew I was dreaming

but could not bring myself to wake,

You are the thunder in my bones

You are the ominous earthquake

That settles me down and fills me with peace,

Making the devil's panic cease.

I feel the pressure clench around my heart,

Shred through my life and pull me apart,

I feel the devils feet crushing my chest,

His fingers claw through my brain so I CANNOT rest-

Who do I turn to? I turn to You.

Humbled by my own humanity- frailty-

failures- unfathomable fallibility

Hallelujah You heard my cry!

Hallelujah I didn't die,

For the Lord God Almighty,

My Sweet, Omnipotent Jesus, King on High,

Had mercy on me and HE heard my cry.

Though the devil spreads his claws

and lifts his feet above my chest,

My God does not sleep,

My God does not rest.

He is my protector,

HE is my shelter.

 

Hallelujah I am brought up from out the belly of hell!

Hallelujah! Of His love and peace I must tell.